Gorgeous

  I took a peak from the corner of my eye to discover many skinny people running the treadmill just like me. The only difference was they were skinny. Really skinny. And I wasn't. At all. So, I always thought the gym was for fat people like me to lose weight. What were those people doing here?



  I ran for forty minutes, put my speed at two, four, six, then back again to four and two. Fourty minutes of non-stop running not to mention having to incline and only losing 200 calories? The black sesame and peanut dessert I had was 600 hundred calories, not to mention the Belgium chocolates resting peacefully in my stomach. Remember times you weight yourself on the scale and said out loud you will eat healthily and exercise everyday constantly? Then you end up eating the same food, finding excuses why the couch in front of the idiot box was so much comfier than a walk in the park. Welcome to the club.



  I turned the treadmill off and walked disappointedly to the next traumatizing machine, some cycle thing whose name was not famous enough for me to remember. I sat on the seat which had my butt being squeezed out. Apparently, the seat was too small.(I would never blame myself)



  How did I wind up here in the first place? Back to the past for a sec. Mom dragged me as I reluctantly stepped into the place.My first thought? Good, this is going to make me a laughing stock. I wasn't the popular 'in' person in school, still I had my pride too. To be frank, I felt more like an outcast in school.People never remembered my name, never invited me to parties or even talked to me. I wasn't beautiful,shy and couldn't talk in crowds or had a great personality, not to mention having an hourglass figure. The counter girl not-so-politely told us to wait at the tables while I wearily eyed the urbun people walking past me as if I was invisible. A tall guy with coloured hair-highlights of brown and peach approached us. He held out his hand and shook my mother's hand. He flashed us both a Cheshire smile, his cheeks puffing up simultaneously. He held out a white paper and began explaining about the gym facilities. Mom brushed his lets-take-a-tour-of-the-gym thing and went straight to the price. With a smile and another handshake, mom rushed me out of the gym. I happily danced to the car, glad it was over. I thought about the short meeting we had, how I had all the while stared hard at the ground. That guy could not repeat my name, much less remember it. Good, I could tell him another name-Care-less-ra or better yet, Luna-tic.



  Back to now. Before coming to the gym, I was imagining fantasizing about meeting drop dead gorgeous dudes or hot hunks-guess what I get? A bunch of old uncles and fat boys. Paradise huh? My eyes were better off focusing on some machine.



  As you know, the gym is fully covered with mirrors. That's the horror. Every guy that walk in have their eyes glued to the mirror, admiring their own body.(All the invisible muscles I don't see)



  As I did the cycle thingy, I felt my legs grow weak and jelly like. It was as if my legs were screaming for me to stop and my mind threatening to feed me with sugar rich chocolates when I got home. Ah chocolates!



  Me plus chocolates go a long way back. You know how people exaggerate their lives are over when their girlfriends or boyfriends leave them? Well, me and cocoa have the same connection just that we don't have the lovers excruciating drama.



  I was ten. Young and totally innocent. At school, I sat next to a boy. He was tall and not handsome at all. He always told me how good looking of a knight he was, but only I knew he was nothing but a normal kid. Yes,kid. One day, he made a confession.



  'I think I'm in love with Amanda.' He blushed terribly, looking worst than how he normally looked.



  'I think she is in love with your dog.' I replied frankly.



  'No, she is always looking in my direction because she thinks I'm cute.' He was angry.



  'Yeah, but she only looks at you when you are with your dog. She even gives you dog biscuits. I guess that's a good sign for your dog.' I said with a matter-of-fact tone, the kind of tone the teachers used.



  'I don't care what you think fatty. I only care what she thinks. Write me a love letter. To Amanda. With my name.' He was blushing again.



  So I wrote it obediently. And he gave it to Amanda. Both of us sat in our seats, oblivious to the world, focusing on Amanda. Amanda read the letter and did something very predictable. She torn it into a million pieces and threw it at his face without a word. I turned to look at the boy next to me, just as the entire class including the nosy class monitor stared at him. He was near tears, tears that wouldn't leak out because he was a boy. He stood up abruptly.



  'It's all your fault. She rejected me because of you! You are fat and super-ugly, she must have despise me because I sit next to you! Get a life!' He screamed and ran.



  I was sure he was crying. But I was also crying. I ran to the girls washroom and stared hard at the mirror. The girl that looked back was such a disgrace. She was tall with midnight black hair that was so short. She looked as if she was going to burst from her tight uniform anytime. I could see layers of fat on her body. Her eyes were bloody red as salt water spilled out like waterfalls. She wasn't pretty. She was a normal human. Human girl that lost her confidence. In life.



  That night, I went home crying and wouldn't stop until I got a box of chocolates. I felt the smooth texture of the chocolate in my mouth, the joy it gave me, and the comfort. I felt happy, accepted, and loved when I savoured chocolate. I was hooked on them from that day. Chocolates gave me comfort. It miraculously absorbed my unhappiness.



  So that's how I got addicted to chocolate.



  I had been in this gym for a week. Sweating out. Yet nothing felt different. Not in the inside. I still felt-worthless.



  My mouth released enzymes as I thought of chocolate. I wanted them so badly now! Saliva was leaking out.



  I knew all the brands, the latest flavours of chocolate. Sometimes, I wish I was a chocolate. A gorgeous chocolate. Then, I could introduce myself as, Calessra Luna Tickman, an Iban-Chinese-British chocolate.



  They say things will change if you want to change it.



                                                        ##### 



  I got home from gym and sat in front of the television.



  'Mom, we need to talk. This is very serious, costly thought. I need...I..need money. Wait, don't say a word. It involves thousands,so, if you don't give I'll have to rob a bank, threaten some rich guy few blocks down from here, or sell every furniture in this house.'



  'Brilliant ideas. I see what you have been learning in school.' Mom said sarcastically.



  'Its nothing bad. I need to go to the slimming centre.' I know she would talk me out of this.



  'Darling, you are nobody. Nobody's perfect. Which makes you perfect. You don't want to spend so much money for nothing. You are who you are. If you lose weight, what are we suppose to do with your gym membership? Its non-refundable.' For a second, I actually forgot how to breathe. How come she never saw or understood my desperation?



  That night, I dreamt of entering an old antic house. Inside, stood another girl. She was sweet looking in white dress and long dark brown flowing hair. Next to her stood Stefan and Damon. Vampires? Both of them lunged forward. I expected to feel excruciating pain on my neck and thick sticky fluid dripping down to my chest. I felt. Nothing. Nothing happened. Both of them were fighting over white dress girl. I cried:'Hey,what about me?' Damon lifted his head and looked me in the eye. 'Sorry kid, you're too ugly.' I woke up with the Vampire Diaries still running on TV.



  I called my best friend.



  'Hemlatha, can you lend me money?'



  'You forgot to bring your wallet out again? I'm near Berry's. Will help you out.' She replied.



  'I'm at home. I need a few thousands,maybe hundred thousands. I-need to hit the slimming centre. Bizzy Body perhaps.' I could hear her getting startled. I did not know it was because of the money or me going to the slimming centre.



  'It's a lot of money. I know you don't cheat people. I trust you. Just that...are you really really really positive about this plan?'



  'Absolutely.' I replied confidently. Well, it's good to have a filthy rich million-dollar best friend sometimes.



                                                      ###



  I clutched the money tightly as if my life depended on it. I stood in front of Bizzy Body-the slimming centre, the nearest to my house. It was the usual warm afternoon, just that my heart was beating fast, challenging to jump out of my chest anytime. I breathed in deeply and took my first step towards the entrance.



  I was welcomed dearly by three women clad in all black. A black mini dress, black hair, black tights, you name it. I was certain their under-garments were also black. And then, a guy. He wore a black T-shirt had exposed his chest. I was totally taken aback and awed by him. Not that he was a drop dead gorgeous, just that he was a little too perfect. His face was just so smooth, bright eyes, perfect lips. His chest was...too perfect for a guy. He looked more like a good old fairytale prince. Not charming-sadly.



  He explained to me about the basic treatments and foods to avoid. I couldn't concentrate-I needed toilet bad.Real bad.



                                                      ###



  The toilet was located at the top floor. After using it, I hurried down and stopped when I heard someone sobbing. The sobbing went on and off. On and off. It was coming from the room next to the toilet. I thought of all the Chinese-Japanese ghost movies I had watched, how curiosity killed those girls who opened closed doors. Still, praying, I opened it.



  In the tiny roon stood a skinny girl in front of a window. Her black eyeliner was all over face, washed by tears. That's what you get when you buy cheap waterproof make-up. I walked towards her.



  'Hello, are you okay? Is there anything I can help?' I asked.



  'Help me to end my life. A pain-free way. I don't want to feel hurt anymore, please. I want to go to a place where everthing is...good.Yeah, good.'She was smiling. It scared me.



  'I'll call 911 now.' I panicked and reached for my phone. She glared at me.



  'I'll jump if you do so.' She said mockingly.



  'No, you can't. Not here. This is only the third floor. You will only break your legs or something. You want to die right? ' I asked. She looked shocked, then sighed.



  'Yes, I do. I have been here since last night giving myself excuses over and over again why I should die. Yet each time when I think about my family-that childish sister of mine, that annoying and disgusting brother, I tend to cry. I just miss them so bad. They are so young, and I just can't leave them like that. Not when my parents are cheating on each other.' She sighed heavily.



  'Your parents are cheating on each other?' I was curious-again.



  'I caught my mom making out with some guy old enough to be my grandfather at the garden in my house. I went in and saw dad kissing a girl a few years older than me.' She laughed out loud. 'Recently, my boyfriend dumped me. Said I was too ugly, not good enough for him. I was devastated, threaten to commit suicide if he didn't come back to me. He didn't care. Saw him dating some cheerleader.' She laughed, yet a tear streaked down her face.



  'You know what?  Why don't we exchange places and you call 911 after I fall from here?' I said, moving towards her. She looked puzzle.



  'Girlfriend, if you think your life sucks, then look at mine. I'm fat, I know no guy will ever look at me twice. It's that bad I know. I have few friends. I always have the feeling people will not accept me as who I am and tend to stay in the shadows, trying to be someone I'm not. I can't talk in public, thinking others will laugh at me. So why didn't I jump down any building already?' She opened her mouth and then closed it.



  'I know, I have family. But how can you possibly just tell your family everything? I know you are supposed to. But, can you? I mean, can you stand there and tell them how pathetic you feel everyday? No, you can't. And everybody wants to be accepted in some way by the society.In a good way of course.' I continued. 'I see myself in you. I just realised that my only worry and the biggest problem was I didn't love myself. For 17 years,17 years of my life, I cared about what others thought of me, want others wanted to see in me, what I could do so others gave me attention. And I am officially sick of it. Very sick of it. I want to live the rest of my life for me. I want to live it my way. I am a big girl. I don't care if you are half my size or something. You are no better than me. And I am gorgeous inside out. I don't want to die or end my life thinking what I didn't get or why God was unfair. I am happy with what I have or who I come across, and that includes you. Listen here, you cannot love anyone without loving yourself first. I love me. Forget about your ex or your parents, they screwed up, not you. You have to live your life babe.' I cried, together with her.



  'My name is Calessra, I love who I am, I don't care what you think about me. I am nobody to you. Nobody's perfect, which makes me perfect.' I held out my hand to the girl.



  'I am Felicia. And I love me. And my family. I will have to work on getting my parents together again.About my ex? Its so yesterday.' She sighed and smiled.



  'You know what, cover me up, I need to get outta here to a brand new world out there-without that slimming centre guy catching me. I'm not listening to a crap he says.' We both laughed. Really laughed.