first five chpts of my book

My book

this is a book about how I lost the love of my life. Its also about my mother. pay close attention to both topics.

notice: this may brake your heart more than once




Revenge
are you going to try to win me back once she's done with you
I thought you guys would have figured out my master plan by now.
I used her to boost up your confidence, I needed to..
I obviously couldn't do it myself , the task seemed impossible
so lets see if you use me as the rebound .. let's see if you try to get me back .
yes I am the reason for your broken heart.



I’m watching jarae , your not trying anything. maybe it was heartless of me to do what I did to you . your not doing anything, your not saying anything. your just looking at me with your lost eyes. those ones you've once looked at me with , I hate you , I give you a free pass, you touched me more in the period we were just friends.

I lied. Remember that night you wouldn't let me go? we were with her. you wouldn't let me go , that was my favorite night. I never had a boy that was so afraid to loose me , until that night , with you. the night before was the first night you took my hand. GOD!
you were on a ball what weekend. why couldn’t you be so upfront like that all the time? or was it just that weekend, since you were high? scratch that , I cant ask that ,, your always high , why even question your motives? its not really you , it 's the drugs . god your a pussy , and pathetic , at that. We were at Fort Mifflin , and you took my hand , I remember it so vividly . if you weren’t as creeeped out as me , I don’t think you would have , maybe it was an act of fear. I wasn't so scared since I was with you though . That was my second favorite night.

I keep lying , every night I’ve ever spent with you has always been my favorite night, nights! I keep lying to myself , that’s what I’m really doing . Lying , Lying , Lying , is that an alliteration jarae? I wouldn’t know , I wonder if you do . I wonder these things, I could just ask you , but id rather not. you go to the same school as my new lover. I wonder if yous have met yet .


What if you guys did meet? and you guys talked about knowing me. I feel like that’s happened, because he hasn’t been talking to me lately , but what are the odds of that happening? Maybe its not my fault , maybe not . Maybe I come on too strong.


What if it is my fault, and I’m just trying to blame everyone else for my sadness, but my own. That’s probably whats happening , could you tell me ? This girl in my physics class today quoted a Dr. Sues book today , it says " Those who mind, don’t matter.. those who don’t mind, matter." Amazing isn’t it , but I want to know if you mind . Cant you hear me jarae, the message is so clear, I guess your not so smart after all .

I wonder if you have problems like me , I want to quote another book , The perks of being a wallflower. Charlie seems to be just as troubled as me. But sometimes I think of our kiss , and how magical it was , imp quoting Charlie’s thoughts of his first kiss, "And it was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life." Amazing how I didn’t know anyone else could feel that way about someone . I wish we talked after our kiss , to tell each other how wonderful it was , and maybe do it again.

Mom , I wonder if you had problems like me . I want to wonder if anything like this has ever happened to you , I read your diary once. I wish you still wrote in one, so I could see how your feeling , and maybe know what went wrong in your life.
We've had a lot of the same experiences, around the same time . like mother , like daughter, right? Kudos to me , I hope I don’t end up like you though .

you might think I hate you or something , I’ve just fucked up so many times, I’m stealing again , I would tell you but then id have to hear you speak , id have to listen to a whole spiel of how wrong it is. I know its wrong, but maybe I just need help . mom , you’ve never been wrong of trying to get me help . but you try and give me other people's help , specialists on subjects . but I don’t want their help , I wasn’t yours.


I'm sorry mom . I feel bad for myself, but I feel even worse for you . It seems like you even sadder than me . You've tried to make me see a psychologist, but I think you should take your own advice. you bum around the house. You act so content but your really not. Me and callie can see the sadness behind your eyes. You tend to hide them behind your john Lennon glasses, but your not fooling us.

I've been sad now for a couple of months . you know this. It seems like you have to do everything I do! For a while you knew how sad I was. Was it me who made you like this. Was it after bennadryl ? I knew it . you think your going to loose me . but mom even though I’m sad, I would never try and kill myself. Two girls at my school kid themselves last March. They killed themselves on the train tracks. It didn’t phase me. I think suicide is selfish , and a cry for attention . In the end though , who really receives all the attention ?

Maybe I have strong beliefs on the topic, or maybe I was just mad at them . mad that I wouldn't see Vanessa's pink boots, or mad that I wouldn't be jealous of Gina’s boyfriend kissing her, right in front of me. It doesn't matter to me though , unfortunately , I was walking on the train tracks as a short cut, and mother didn’t believe me.. mom would I really do this? would I really hurt the community?

maybe mom never believes me , maybe she just thinks I do for the hell of it, who knows. but mom I would never try to kill myself. there’s so much I want to see , and so many people I want to meet. Don’t you know that? maybe if you listened to me every once in a while, you would know this. But mom , never would I do that.


After that a couple months later was when I did benadryl, I Ode on 23 extra pills maybe. No one was supposed to find out. it was actually very odd, before i did it, i didn't think at all . i had heard of people doing but i just thought it was a whole bottle. I wanted the hallucinations, that’s all . Just some free hallucinations. I got them and boy were they nuts. I wanted to keep dreaming with my eyes open mom, you were crying so hard, and long. Longer than I’ve ever seen anyone cry . and I’m sorry .

now that I think of it , I would hate if my daughter would do that to me , and my entire family. but if she told me it was otherwise.. other than death that is, I would believe me, because she said so . because I trust my daughter to not lie to me. like I thought you trusted me. But in all honesty you shouldn't trust me. you shouldn't trust me at all , especially with the car. when I say I’m just running to the supermarket, I’m not really going to the supermarket.

but mom , that’s not what I’m talking about. just because you have a strong feeling to not trust me, I should have gained your trust back by now. And you know I hate getting blamed for things I didn’t do. I have all my life, especially when callie looses something, its always my fault, even if in fifth grade I would hide her phone, even if in seventh grade, I would steel a 5$, even so , that doesn’t mean a thing. even though mom , you don’t have to blame me! then you ask why I get all defensive, its because I’m not going to take the fault for a crime I didn’t do.

when I commit a crime I do. remember mom ? when I got caught steeling in seventh grade, oh boy a thirteen year old steeling, this is so young. this is unthinkable. everyone did it though mom, I was just trying to fit in . I was just trying to keep my friends. but isn’t that your fault, for making me grow up here, for making me go to that school , in the postal code ending in 36. I believe it is , you picked the location , you thought it was such a nice location , for two young girls to grow up .

but mom , why did I do all these things? I cant tell you , maybe I do love the attention , I still don’t think that’s it . all 3 of yours , in my immediate family all think that. but the truth is , I want the opposite of your attention , I want you to leave me alone. couldn’t you realize in freshman year, when alls I did was drink and hang out with people half my age, times 3. but you didn’t know that, you didn’t know who I hung out with , because the truth is , I hung out with anyone who could get their hands on weed or alcohol.

and I still hangout with anyone who can. you just asked me to put the car around back.. I’m surprised you still let me use the car, after you caught me steel it when I didn’t have my license. god mom you have just given me so many chances. and I don’t think I deserved any of them . I’ve made you cry countless times, and I never really quite paid attention. maybe when I was begging for you " attention". I should have gave you some back. but everyone just thinks that the leader of the household is the strongest.

I think I should be more nicer to you . all my friends used to say how mean I was , when they over heard me on the phone with you , when you wouldn't pick me up at the exact location I told you. I still act so rude. I honestly try not to .. it just seems that being nice to you is a job . I know that sounds horrible coming out of anyone’s mouth , but its the truth , and I’m very blunt.

I hate when you and callie would make me feel like crap , just for being myself. We were eating at Charlie’s one time e, and boy , are you two boring. so I thought I would entertain myself. all by myself. so I began making myself laugh . and you know what you guys said , you told me to calm down. you told me to act mature. but I’m not mature. and you guys don’t accept me as I am . but who was the one who got us free ice cream later? yeah , my immature ass.


you guys not accepting me , made me realize I wouldn't be accepted by others. it stinks because , you don’t like the person I am . but I’m not going to change myself for someone else. you guys taught me to be myself , and not give a damn what others think of me. maybe that’s why I haven't been so happy for a while . its like I have to cover up my unhappiness , with fake happiness. its not real , in anyway . but you guys made me this way, thanks.


you asked me what I’m writing, that’s all you ask , is questions.. whose going to be there? how are you getting home? what time will you be home? then I try and tell you a story or two , and even then you ask me questions. I just want to get through a story with out you asking a question. you try and seem interested about my life but I don’t think you really are!



natalia, you are my best friend. lately I’ve been thinking of you in a sexual way .
I don’t know if that is because you touch me in appropriately , in private places.everyone knows i like it. i haven’t been kissing boys lately either, its been a month since i have but the one before that ,it was 5 months. that’s along time for someone who goes to our school .

i wish i hadn't done all of those messed up things with you . i wish your mom never found out. i wish i could turn back time , so you would actually have permission to hang out with me. I’m not a bad influence. but I’m also not the total opposite. I’m one of those people who will do anything once.

that one time we did benadryl , it was me you , and another one of you . it was such a great idea, i heard you guys were going to do it , so i wanted to do it too.
your mom didn’t approve of me after walking on the train tracks, than this. it seemed that every illegal things we did , with each other, we would get caught. but the thing is that we can't not hang out, we cant not hangout, because nobody accepts me like you do, and that’s what i always needed form you . i needed it from someone , my whole entire life. every "best friend" I’ve had before you , never really clicked with me like you did.

you think I’m weird , but its okay . so are you . if your a bird , I’m the wind underneath . if you the weed, I’m the bowl you smoke it out of. we do everything , and everything we do , we make fun . my whole high school career would have stunk without you . you know how i said i was thinking of you sexually , yeah that’s gone. you sucked way to many cocks for my clean mouth . that’s right , my clean mouth , never have i put my mouth around someone's penis.. never , even though half of the school could tell you I’m not a virgin.

I’m a virgin! that 's right , i don’t care , i can tell you , and you still wont believe me , but it doesn't matter , because I’ve done enough sexual tings for my age. and the truth is , is that I’m not that kind of girl . I’m not one to go make out with a guy cause its fin . i don’t trust anyone else, so i don’t speak of any hookups I’ve had.

maybe i don’t trust anyone cause of that one night, yeah that night i took a shower with Dylan . i was teased for a whole week straight, but when you think of a rumor, you can laugh back at it. when your going through it , it doesn't seem that way at all . then when guys find out a bout it, they want to do the same thing with you. Every time i would do something with a guy, he would go tell everyone , then the whole school would know my business. I’m sure you think I’ve given blowjobs to countless legal men , but i haven’t

they think that because of freshman year, when I would hangout with old people. but the truth is that I had so many experiences that year, and the point of freshman year is that you don’t know anyone , you know nothing about them , which is why its so fun . but sophomore year is when all the fun stops, you got to know everyone , and everyone sucks!

but back to natalia , you don’t even understand everything about me. but i like being a mystery to most people. you so also , maybe that why you don’t tell me everything. i tell you everything . i tell you about .. everything . there’s no keeping secrets from you , even if its other peoples secrets. and i realized your my best friend, but you not the best you can be , you know why .. jarae.

i told you i didn’t care , but you insist that i did . and if you know i did , then why must you keep getting with him . i stinks because you bring me with to hangout with you two . and i hate it. i tell you that ex lovers cant be friends. don’t you know not to kiss the boy your best friend fell hardest for? it seems like you should though , i guess wrong! i thought you just knew not to . i mean couldn’t it have been anyone else? why did it have to be him ? i just don’t understand. threes plenty other boys, but you know that

because you cheating on him , i guess its not cheating since you guys aren’t together. but he doesn’t know about your other lover? wouldn’t that just be hilarious if he found out?
wouldn’t that be hilarious if everyone knew i called the cops on them about the open house that i wasn’t invited to? and everyone thought it was Jackie, because her uncle's a cop. isn’t that just hilarious? for a month , i wanted to get every interboro kid in trouble , and just call the cops , and tell them their hiding spots. but what would be the fun in that ?

anyways back to jarae, we were so in like that summer of '09 , and it was great . we didn’t need a label . we both knew how we felt for each other, and that was all we needed, it dragged on though , you got annoying and after that horrible first kiss i didn’t want anything to do with you . but shouldn’t i have gave you another chance, maybe so , but i m sorry i didn’t. i was just as scared as you , maybe you should have been less scared since you were 4 years older than me.. i guess not though , right? i feel like I’m asking to many questions. maybe if you guys are contacting me you can remember and tell me.

but i hope I’m not contacting any of you . because my life hasn’t even started yet , jarae, i thought you were the love of my life, now your natalias. even though she isn’t want to tell me , i forced her. maybe she was hiding it form me like she hid bob McKinney , and matt's secrets. i don’t know , that’s why your not the best.

when we couldn’t hangout for a whole 2 months , that killed us . i keep saying best , and it reminds me of what i said to you, because you kept crying and saying you felt we weren’t friends anymore. but i knew when school started, we would be just as close again. we are , but i hate what you do , ad i cant tell you . i hate that also , because i tell you everything. you party too much , your me in freshman year. you drink too much , and i think you should stop.

oh yes, i almost forgot to tell you what i said to you . i told you
" we are best friends. best friends doesn't mean someone you hangout with everyday , it doesn't mean someone that has the best hair or anything, its the best person in your life, the friend, that is he best . " natalia , you will always be my number one. i don’t think ill ever loose contact with you , just because you have helped me more than any other person , and none makes me laugh like you do . and i don’t want you to tell my secrets to anyone!

anyways , i wonder what your doing now you totally contradict yourself with your lifestyle. one minute your getting high . the next your getting straight A's, and its so bogus. how could a pothead get A's and i cant. but you made me a pothead. speaking of pot, remember when i almost got caught with weed in ajs car? i do i think its all your fault , actually . i like to get high now, to balance everything else out.

you make me think so differently than everyone else. you’ve taught me to do things for myself, and to not care what everyone else thinks. although it seems i do sometimes, but its habit. your one of the people i can say i like from my school . everyone else just thinks were freaks but , aren’t they the ones who are freaks, their all the same. and were the same, but not the same as them.

There are so many stories. you respect all of my decisions , and support me. you listen to all my bullshit . but your the one who has it tough . maybe i shouldn’t be feeling bad for my mom. because your exactly like my mom , getting attacked by yours though. i don’t think she will ever trust youth the same way my mom wont. but were in this journey together. you make my sun shine brighter, than anyone ever has, and its so amazing how you can do that , with one smile.

your getting popular , and i don’t like it . i feel like your just going to decide you want a new setting , and a new character set list , i hope you don’t because you the main character , in the theme of my life,. and i wouldn’t have a book without you . !
New girl
you were new, you seem so kind , till you opened your mouth. I’ve never been the new kid, nowhere north , always down south. it doesn't matter what you look like , it matters how well you represent yourself, your words included. your words make you so ugly . i don’t mind, but i cant stand it.




i feel so bad for you, your so different , and i respect it . i try to talk to you sometimes , but i don’t know how serious you take me. everyone makes fun of you . i made fun of you . but i guess that makes me just as bad as everyone else.

you try and treat me like every other girl forte, you should know you cant. you should know i m something special , and to not womanize me. most guys realize this , but its taken you two years to get a clue.



Daddy
when i think of my favorite place to be . i think of the happiest place, with smiles running around! i think of a million little kids , and hearts being fulfilled. i remember when i went , my father wasn't there, I’m not so happy anymore. every happy experience i have , i share with him. Then i think of the happiest I’ve ever been with him , and its the beach . just the two of us , out there , two souls swimming , happy as can be .. I’ve never been so happy jumping waves with someone. it was so liberating , i think that was the last time , i ever saw him truly happy.

I’m going back to my mother . i think of the last time i saw you truly happy mom . i cant remember .. i don’t think I’ve ever seen you as happy as dad. mom , i want to tell you about this book I’m writing, but i cant seem to find the guts to tell you to your face. i want you to be happy , that’s all mom! I’ve never asked for anything more form you . you tell me how i shouldn’t get married to someone , unless i know. and you tell me I’ll know. but didn’t you know , didn't you know daddy was the one? was being the key word. i thought he was the one mom, isn't that why you gave him everything. you gave him your body , your kids , you invited him into your heart. why would you do that if its so unhappy ?

mom i know you say he changed , but wouldn’t you of thought of that before you got married? you guys give me no hope, you give me no hope for love. your love isn’t strong , it has no depth . its a sad state you guys are in , and i feel so bad
lets talk about condoms. i know a girl who has gotten pregnant, who doesn't ?
we all do ! that’s why i don’t want to have sex. i could have had sex with anyone i wanted . not to sound conceited, but its just been tried many times. i don’t want to though . just because i look easy , or not like a virgin doesn't mean shit! everyone’s different


everyone’s different , nobody at my school seems to realize it . yeah there’s those preppy cheerleaders ., who are shallow and date all the football players, but there are actually just normal people who are so judgmental , who don’t give anyone a chance , just because they have a different color hair, or because they dress up in costumes .


the people who dress up in costumes are my favorite, because they don’t care , they actually have balls to do what they want. and they don’t understand all of the respect most people have for them .. so dumb , but anyways , I’m actually just friends with everyone . I’m the girl who talks to everyone! people conceive me differently , all the views against me are different. but who are you to judge someone ? were all just people and you don’t know anyone's past .


in all honesty , do we really know ourselves? i don’t think that’s so possible. we don’t know every outcome to every situation we decide to take advantage of. that’s why were waiting most of the time. were waiting for different things. were waiting for the love our lives to just walk in to them . were waiting to turn 18 , and after that 21. were waiting to work for a job for the rest of our lives. were waiting for drugs, and were waiting in line at the drug store. most importantly were waiting to die


were not necessarily waiting to die , were not counting the days down .. but we know its coming . some are counting the days till they die . that’s why you shouldn’t judge ,. you don’t know if someone’s just a clicking tock , waiting to stop ticking. you don’t really know anything about anyone , until you take a second and get to know them , but how much do you still really even know , if you "get to know someone" , you cant decide , because, in your life you experience so many surprising things, and you realize you cant really know someone 100 % .

its kind of crazy , but as you think of it , you hear of people getting divorced, and how much did they really know that person , before they settled down with them . its quite impossible actually . your in a relationship , and someone just cheats on you . you thought that you knew them , and you thought you trusted them , but they totally just threw all that bullshit out the window .

don’t get married , whats the point in doing so , you cant be happy with the same person for 50 years , or longer. you cant last with the same penis , you cant talk bout the same things. and everyone falls out of love . but if your lucky , maybe you married your bestirred. or someone who just turns out to be your best friend. you can laugh at everything with , and just be yourself . its those couples that were never really in love , that turn out being the best lovers, but wasn’t that you Dylan .

we were bestirred , and you meant the world to me . you thought we could be lovers . you were wrong , i was wrong . it was never meant to be . but i had the highest faith it would be . i tried to win you over so many times, but i guessed you stopped paying attention mid sophomore year, after you actually had me . wasn’t i just the victory you never accomplished. so you finally had me , and decided to do nothing with me .


that whole experience i look back on , and think it was one of the best ones of my life. we took a shower, and i never thought of taking a shower with anyone . but all of our feelings were floating all around the room , like clouds shaped in heart. things got very steamy , and i may say that even though i slept with someone else that night , it was you i would have rather been sleeping with . it was you , all along Dylan.