Good Grief

Good Grief

I have a friend who is facing the loss of his father, and just hearing about it brought back losing my own dad almost ten years ago. It’s always hard when people tell you news of death or dying of a loved one to know what to say. I use the common clichés to offer some comfort but they seem so shallow. Deep down I really want to be real and say something against the norm to someone when the are facing grief and loss.

First, what I really want to say is “I’m praying you grieve.” It sounds like the wrong thing, but we all have people who mold us, change us, make us who we are, and in the case of a parent, give us life. If this person has been a blessing to you, doesn’t it follow that you are going to really hurt when they are gone? Grieving is just a way of dealing with that pain. You can grieve the way they do in the Bible: weep, gnash you teeth, tear your clothes and dump ash on your head. Or you can just curl up in a ball with old photos and cry from your gut. Did you ever stop to think maybe God gave us the ability to grieve as a gift? I know I always feel lighter and a sense of relief after a good long cry, and it’s a much better coping mechanism that forgetting painful memories and shoving my pain deep within to let it fester and rot!

I’d also like to say, “things will be different now” instead of "it's going to be OK." Please don’t mistake me, life does go on, and joy does come in the morning, but if you’ve loved and lost, why do you have to be OK? Ten years after the death of my own father, and I’m still not OK. I miss him and always will. For me to be OK, I’d have to forget all that was good about my dad, and I never want to do that! Certainly go on living, but don’t try to stuff the empty hole left by someone you love with something superficial to be “OK.” Instead, fill that hole with love and memories. Better yet, take what you learned from that person and pass it on to someone else.

Nothing on the face of this earth is permanent. If you are a member of the human race, you will have to face grief, loss and separation at some point in your life. So instead if trying to avoid pain by not getting close to others, or pushing it aside and being “strong,” why not love with abandon and grieve like you mean it?