5 Years of Torment

I love being alone. Most teenagers today would die if they were in my position. No one texts me, and I don't text anyone. That's the way that I like it. Being alone leaves me to my thoughts, my terrible thoughts. And that is why I like being alone. It's safer. Safer for me, safer for everyone around me. Because if someone was constantly around me, those thoughts would eventually get out. And I couldn't have that happen.

More terrible than my thoughts though, is the fact that I act upon them. I wish that I could stop myself. I really do, but that's impossible. I can't even tell anyone to try and get help to stop.

But now, on what I am sure is my deathbed, I tell you this now. I hope that by reading this that you will learn that EVERYONE has two sides to them, no matter how real they seem when they are around others. There is always another side.

I guess the thoughts started when I was about 10. (I'm 15 now.) I was walking to my fifth grade class, just like everyday. When I look back on it, it seems so strange, because it was just a normal day when it started.

Anyway, I saw a boy who was probably just a year older than me. He wasn't doing anything wrong, walking to school, just like me. I had seen him before, so I haven't a clue why today when I saw him, it was different.

I felt a deep hatred for this boy. It came out of nowhere. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. I felt very drawn to hurt him in some way, but I was able to stop. I turned away and walked a little faster to school. I didn't want to be tempted anymore than I already was.

Even going to school didn't help. The only thing I though about all day was the boy and how much I truly hated him. I had to find out more. After school, I saw him again. By that time I had made a plan. I would befriend him (falsely, of course) and hope to either find out the reason why I hated him so, or stop hating him altogether.

He was a bit ahead of me, so I ran and caught up to him. "Hi", I said. He looked at me quizzically, probably because I had never even spoken a word to him before in my life.

"Um, hi?" he responded.

Well, this was awkward. I had no clue what to say to him. "Well, how was your day?" was all I could come up with. I wasn't very good at interacting as it is, and I had a feeling that these new thoughts weren't going to help very much.

"It was alright, and yours?"

"It was just okay. I wish it could've been better. Nobody really talked to me at all. Just kinda one of those days where nobody seems to want to talk to anyone else."

"Yeah, kinda how it was for me too." He sped up. If he thought that just by getting away from me, I was going to stop my attempts at conversation, he was sadly mistaken. All that him speeding up meant was that my attempts for today were done. I kept my pace until I got home, where I could finally relax.

At home, if I was quiet, it was quite normal for me, I mostly read or watched inappropriate movies without my parents knowledge. That meant that I was in my room on my laptop. I never actually wanted to go to school. I much preferred my home life. No one to interrupt my boring life.

Except I had a feeling it was not going to be so normal. In fact, my life would become so out-of-the-ordinary, that I would want to kill myself. I hated regular excitement. Only in short bursts after long periods of boring is how I liked excitement.

I wanted to find the source of these thoughts, so I went on my laptop. I got onto Google. and stared. I didn't know what to call it. Instant hatred, maybe?

I typed that in. No good results came up. I sighed. I guessed I figured that it would be easier. I typed in more things that I thought would be helpful keywords. Nothing. I started to get a headache, so I got off and just sat back on my bed. So frustrated and confused. I need to know what these thoughts meant. It was gonna bug me until I did. I decided to just lay down. Maybe that would calm the headache. I sure hoped so.

Laying down with nothing on made me feel watched, so I opened my laptop. My father had downloaded kid appropriate movies. I didn't really feel like going against my parents. I put on one. I don't really remember what it was called. I was feeling too bad. I soon fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was dark. I went out into the living room. No one was there. I knocked on my parents door. No answer. I opened it. They were fast asleep. I wondered what time it was. My parents never went to sleep early.