Rated: E · Script/Play · Comedy · #1819768
Christmas story based on the holiday classic song
Christina: Hey, that sounds like Vincent! And he needs help! Hang on, Vincent!
Another pretty woman with red hair grabs Christina before she rescues Vincent.
The girl with the red hair: Going somewhere, you Hispanic slut?!!
And Christina punched the red haired woman across the face, and the red haired woman flew straight towards Geri’s china.
Meanwhile, Katie was having problems with a man so handsome, but evil. He started getting stupid and fresh with Katie, and she didn’t like any of it!
The man: (to Katie.) How would you like to be my baby, baby? I want us to make love all night and day all the time!
Katie: What’s wrong with you, you ass?!
And Katie kicked the man in the gut, crushed his face, and kicked him sky high to a window.
But meanwhile, Vincent was having trouble with Matthew and Geri.
Geri: (to Vincent.) Why do you keep going to women all the time when YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE GAY?!!!
Matthew: Yeah, little boy!! You were supposed to marry a man, not a woman!! You’re not good enough, boy!! WE ARE!!!
Vincent: DON’T CALL ME BOY!!!
Geri: BOY, QUIT IT BEFORE WE CASTSIZE YOU!!! You took my plans away from me, Stimpy, and YOU NEED TO GIVE THEM BACK!!! YOU’RE A DELINQUENT!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!!! QUIT GETTING YOUR HOPES TOO HIGH BEFORE ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, AND IT WOULD BE YOUR OWN FAULT, BOY!!!
Matthew: You heard her, boy!! SHE SAID GIVE US BACK OUR PLANS BEFORE YOU GET AN ASS WHOOPING!!!
Vincent: SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!
Doreen and the rest of the girls went straight to Geri and Matthew because they’ve got Vincent. Geri and Matthew threatened the girls telling them to stay back.
Geri: Okay, you Goddamn nice girls, stay back!! Do you hear me?!!
Doreen: Stay back?!
Cindy: What for?!
Katie: You don’t have a weapon!
Matthew: (using a gun on Vincent’s head. ) No, but I do! (The girls turned around.) Tell me, ladies, how do you like your BFF carved, light or dark meat if you all don’t clear out of this place NOW so that we can continue with our party?!!
Vincent: Ladies, help me please!
Geri & Matthew: (to Vincent.) YOU SHUT UP, STUPID!!!
Doreen: You two let Vincent go this very instant!! Do you both understand that?!! You guys are nothing but IRRATIONAL ….ING MONSTEROUS BIG SHOTS!!!
Geri: Well look who’s talking, Miss Famous and Popular with the damn high cheekbones!!
Doreen: I am not like you, Geri!! You’re rotton and evil!! (To Matthew.) And you, you sick twisted miserable bastard!! Do you share your girlfriend’s attitude all the time?!!
Matthew: Hey, I love it, Baby! It’s sexy!
Stephanie: (to Matthew.) You’re a pig! That’s what you are! You’re a stupid fresh pig!!
Matthew: Oh I love it when a woman talks dirty to me. It turns me on. Right, Geri?
Geri: Right you are, sugarplum.
Ronda: Listen, both of you! This has got to stop!
Another man: Geri, get those losers out of here!! They’re distracting this party, and we want to have some fun around here!!
Geri: Okay, you bitches heard my friends! Get out of here right now! Did you hear what I just said?!! GET OUT!!!
Matthew: Unless you ugly moomoos want him to get a bullet through his head starting now!
Geri: We’re not kidding!!
Doreen: Do you think that is supposed to scare us, plus none of us girls are ugly!! Who else is gonna throw us out?!!
A big guy named Bruno with a bald head, and an earing on his left ear grabbed the girls quickly by picking them up and saying “I will!!” And the girls started screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!” And Bruno threw the girls outside the door.
Bruno: AND STAY OUT!!!
After the girls got thrown out by Bruno, the girls have another idea up their brains.
Doreen: Say ladies, gather around.
All the ladies: Sure, Doreen.
Doreen: We can’t just let those creeps mess around with Vincent in a very bad way like this.
Christina: Mm-mmm, of course not. We’ve got to go back and rescue him.
Ronda: But we can’t go back in that house. That big guy threw us out. Remember?
Katie: Yeah, and he’s a real mean one.
Judy: So what are we gonna do, Doreen?
Doreen: I’ve got an idea.
All the girls: What?
Doreen: Gather around and I’ll tell you. Now here’s our secret.
And Doreen started telling them what they’re going to do next.
Stephanie: Hey, now that’s another great idea, and it just might work this time.
Meanwhile back in Geri’s place….
Geri: (to Vincent.) STIMPY, DON’T YOU EVER COME TO NEW YORK WITH YOUR OVERHIGH STANDARDS EVER AGAIN!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! YOU’RE TOO STUPID, TOO GAY, AND TOO DISGUSTING!!! YOU HAD MY BEST FRIEND DOREEN TURN AGAINST ME AND I DIDN’T APPRECIATE THAT AT ALL!!! WHAT PART OF “YOU DON’T FIT IN WITH ANYBODY” DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO EVERYBODY, GET US ALL KILLED, YOU OGRE?!!
Matthew: Yeah, you realize that you almost messed up our party, you creep!!
Vincent: I don’t know what you guys are talking about!!
Geri: (tweaked Vincent’s nose.) Stimpy, if we have to tell you to stay away from Doreen, and everybody else, I’M GONNA FEED YOU TO THE SHARKS!!! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!!
Geri & Matthew: YES!!!
Geri: You were supposed to be with the men, and marrying a man, not a woman!! That’s Matthew’s job!! You’re a monster!!
Vincent: Get away from me, both of you!!
Another man with a beard and a moustache: Can we have sex with him now, Geri?
Geri: Lenny, not now. (to Vincent.) See, stupid!! Some man wants to marry you and have sex with you!! Why haven’t you thought about men, instead of women all the time, HUH?!!!
Vincent: You guys are not making any kind of sense!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
Geri: SHUT UP, DUMMY!!! I’m telling you for the very last time that this is the END OF THE LINE!! NO MORE!!! Go to the men!! Don’t ever go to any woman, not even Doreen because that’s my best friend, not yours!! CAPEASHE?!!! STAY AWAY FROM HER FROM NOW ON!!!
Suddenly, they heard the doorbell ring again.
Geri: (frustrated.) I’ll get it!! No goofy stuff, Stimpy!!
Geri rushes over to the door to see who it is. She opens the door, and it was Doreen and the girls in disguises as gay men with beards and moustaches.
Geri: Who the hell may I ask are you dudes?!
Doreen: (in a man’s voice.) We’re a couple of gay guys that want to have sex with that geek, and join your party.
Geri: And just what are your names?
Doreen: (in a man’s voice.) We’re not telling you our names because we don’t know. We just want to marry that dweeb for the party.
Geri: Well come on in! The party is just getting started.
And somebody turned on Katy Perry in her song “Teenage Dream,” and they all started dancing up a storm in the house. Geri is dancing with Matthew.
Geri: I’m glad that the perfect people are superstars, and not the gay geeks. Aren’t you, Matt honey?
Matthew: (showing one of his muscles.) Well feel these muscles, sweetheart.
Geri: (felt his right muscle in his arm.) Cool! I like that! That’s makes you very special, Matthew.
Matthew: I know, because I’m smart, and handsome, and wonderful.
Geri: Heheheheheheheheh! I’ve got to hand it to you, Matthew, you sure know how to impress the women because you’re the greatest.
Matthew: That’s how I make new friends by proving to them how good I am, especially you, dear.
Suddenly, Gary Dunne is making his way towards Vincent.
Gary: Hey, baby! Remember me?
Vincent: No! Get out of here!
Gary: Would you like to have sex with me this year?
Vincent: NO! And I said BEAT IT!!!
Gary: Ooh, you look sexy when you’re angry. That makes me want your body even more, starting now!!
But just before Gary rushes to have sex with Vincent all tied up, Doreen and the girls in their disguises as men grabbed Gary by the back of his shirt and said this to him.
Doreen: (to Gary in a man’s voice.) Hey, jerk, this is our territory! We’re gonna have sex with him! Now you heard what he said! BEAT IT!!!
And Doreen threw Gary to a wall. Vincent was upset about who they are at first.
Vincent: Now hold on a minute! Just who are you men anyway?! More guys wanting to have sex with me?!
Doreen: (back in her normal voice.) Relax, Vincent, it’s me Doreen and the rest of the girls. And we’re here to get you out of here.
The girls take off their disguises.
Vincent: It is you girls! Boy, am I glad to see you all.
Christina: You too, man!
Vincent: Geri’s trying to hook me up with a bunch of stupid gay guys, including Gary Dunne. She’s mean, I tell you.
Doreen: Well she’s a smartmouth, stupid ass, stuck up witch.
Stephanie: People like her that give people like us a real bad name.
Vincent: I can’t believe her. Why does she hate me so much?
Doreen: She hates everybody, Vincent. She even hates me.
Finally, the girls got Vincent out of those ropes, and out of that nasty party. Gary Dunne spotted the girls taking Vincent away.
Gary: Hey, wait a minute! They’re not men! They’re them girls! Wait until Geri and the gang hears this!
So Gary rushed straight over to Geri and her friends to tell them all the news.
Gary: Hey everybody, listen up!
A man: What’s happening, Gary?
Geri: Yeah, what’s going on?
Gary: Our lover Stimpy has just took off with those girls dressed up as gay men, and they’re not really men at all, it was Doreen and her roomates again!
Matthew: What?!! That dumb idiot!!
Geri: Those dirty crooks!! How dare they take Stimpy away from the men!!
Geri: That’s the last straw!! Everybody, we’re going out to search for those girls, and the men’s lover Stimpy! And we need to find them right away or we won’t have no party!
Benny: I’m ready to get our lover back this year!
Geri: You said a mouthful, Benny! WE GO NOW!
Everybody: YEAH, LET’S GO GET ‘EM ALL!
So everybody runs out of the house, hop in their cars, and looked all over New York for Vincent and the girls. Meanwhile, Doreen showed Vincent all the Christmas declorations around the city along with the other girls.
Vincent: Wow! The declerations look very swell this year.
Doreen: Yeah. They sure look and pretty.
Vincent: Just like you, Doreen.
Doreen: (laughs.) Aw, why thank you, Vincent.
Cindy: I love it all too.
Doreen: Say, would you guys like to go over to my house for a bit and play a game of Uno before we go over to the home of Farmer Gray for the Christmas party tonight?
Vincent: That would be excellent!
Ronda: That would be great!
Stephanie: Rock ‘n’ roll!
Judy: I think that would be very nice.
Doreen: Then let’s do it since we still have time.
Meanwhile back out on the roads….
Geri: Search everywhere for them! They’ve got the gay guy!
Manny: I see them, boss!
Geri: Where, Manny?!
Manny: They’re going back to that stupid penthouse over there!
Geri: That’s Doreen’s house!
Scott: Should we follow them, Geri?
Geri: YES, YOU BOOB!! FOLLOW THEM!!
Vincent: (looking behind him.) Doreen, we’ve got people pursuing us.
Doreen: WHAT?! It’s Geri!
Cindy: Looks like there’s no time for a game of UNO now!
Doreen: Full speed ahead! We’re on our way to the home of Farmer Gray right now!
Geri: GET ‘EM!!
Stephanie: Ooh, how I hate Geri!
They all went out from the city to the country of the state of New York to Syosset, where the farmyard of Farmer Gray lives with his family in a big huge farm.
Katie: Did we lose Geri, Doreen?
Doreen: Yeah, I believe we lost them.
Doreen: Let’s find a parking place and head over there.
Doreen found a parking place on the country curb, they went out, and they walked over to Farmer Gray’s house. Doreen knocked on the door, a little boy looked out the window and said “Dad, it’s Doreen Blanc and her friends!”
Stephanie: Say, Doreen, is that little Jimmy?
Doreen: Yes it is. That means everybody’s there in the house, and Farmer Gray himself.
So a man with a moustache came to the door, and that’s Farmer Gray. So he opened the door, and let Doreen and her friends in.
Farmer Gray: Well hello, Doreen. Merry Christmas.
Farmer Gray’s wife came to the front also. And her name is Ingrid.
Ingrid: Henry, who’s that at the door?
Farmer Gray: It’s Doreen and the gang.
Ingrid: Well hello, Doreen and friends. Do come in. Merry Christmas.
Doreen: Merry Christmas to you too, Ingrid and Henry.
All the other girls: Merry Christmas, Farmer Henry Gray, and Ingrid.
Vincent: Merry Christmas. My name is Vincent. I’m new here in New York.
Farmer Gray: Well welcome aboard, Vincent, and a Merry Christmas to you. I’m Farmer Henry gray, and this is my wife Ingrid.
Ingrid: Seasons Greetings, Vincent. Welcome.
Vincent: Thank you.
Doreen: Are the kids here with you guys too, Henry?
Farmer Gray: Indeed they are. They’re in the room playing.
And they were five kids, three boys and two girls named Robert, Elmer, Jimmy, Karina, and Cheryl. Robert is eleven years old, Elmer is nine years old, Jimmy is six years old, Karina is seven years old, and Cheryl is four years old. So Doreen and the gang said hello to them.
Doreen: Hello, kids!
The kids: Hello, Doreen! Merry Christmas!
Doreen: Merry Christmas to all of you!
The other girls: Merry Christmas, kids!
The kids: Merry Christmas, Cindy, Ronda, Judy, Christina, Stephanie, and Katie!
And the kids all rushed over to give the ladies hugs and kisses, and the ladies hugged and kissed them right back.
Jimmy: Hey, who’s the dude with you ladies?
Doreen: Kids, meet our new friend from St. Louis. Vincent Mole.
Vincent: (smiling.) Merry Christmas, kids!
The kids: Merry Christmas to you too, Vincent!
Vincent: I’m new here in New York. My family and I moved here from St. Louis, Missouri.
Robert: Well welcome, Vincent.
Vincent: Thank you. And what are your names?
Robert: I’m Robert.
Elmer: I’m Elmer.
Jimmy: I’m Jimmy.
Karina: I’m Karina.
Cheryl: And I’m Cheryl.
Vincent: And once again I’m Vincent. Nice to meet all of you.
The kids: You too!
Stephanie: Say, do you kids want to sing some Christmas songs with us?
The kids: YEAH!
Doreen: What kind of Christmas song would you kids like to sing first?
Jimmy: How about “Deck The Halls.”
Cheryl: No. I like “Jingle Bells.”
Elmer: No way. Let’s sing “Frosty The Snowman.”
Doreen: Frosty the snowman it is.
The kids: YEAH!
Doreen: Let’s everybody sing together! Ready?! One two three four!
Everybody: Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul.
With a corncop pipe and a button nose and
Two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know
How he came to life that day.
There must have been some magic in that old suit hat they found.
But when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around.
Oh, Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be.
And the children say he can laugh and play
Just the same as you and me.
Doreen: Great singing, everybody! Let’s sing some more!
Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day.
So he said “Let’s run and we’ll have some fun now before
I melt away.”
Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand.
Running here and there all around the square saying
“Catch me if you can.”
He led them down the streets of town right to a traffic cop.
But he only paused a moment when he heard him holler
Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way.
So he waved goodbye saying “Please don’t cry.
I’ll be back again someday.
Thumpity thump thump thumpiy thump thump.
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpity thump thump thumpity thump thump.
Over the hills of snow.
Thumpity thump thump thumpity thump thump.
Alive as he can be.
Thumpity thump thump thumpity thump thump.
Happy and gay is he. YEAH!!
Doreen: Great singing, kids! Give yourselves a great big hand!
And they did.
The kids: YAY!!!
Ingrid: Dinner’s ready, everybody!
And they all rushed to the kitchen to the dinner table to get ready to eat.
Vincent: Wow, I’m hungry.
Stephanie: Me too, Vincent. I’m starving.
Doreen: I’m ready to eat big time.
Ingrid and Farmer Gray brought in the food. It was like a real Thanksgiving dish. There was turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, spinach, green beans, fruits, vegetables, potato salad, cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie for dessert, and the coffee for the adults. It was a whole feast of food.
Jimmy: Mmmmmmmmmm. I love all of this food.
Elmer: Me too, Jimmy. I’m so hungry I could eat a whole turkey.
Farmer Gray: Okay, everybody, we’re all ready to eat. Doreen, will you say the grace?