I laugh

Olivia

Copy right© 2013

I laugh

I thought about jumping. Feeling the wind fly through my tangled hair. The feeling of cement Bones breaking. A sickening crunch. Stop! Picture this rats crawling in my hands their sleek black bodies slink. I start to sweat. A lump forms in my throat. I scream and… No one is there to help clear the rain out of the sky.
I am alone. I hold this glass to my skin its translucent color is slowly turning red from the blood. Will someone please stitch up these cuts I’ve inflicted on myself? No one was there so I zipped up my tent of worries and self-loathing. Until it all exploded. Boom! A gun and the tears came. Enough to make an ocean in my room.
I tried to razor cut away my thoughts but that wasn’t enough, the knives sharp bite wasn’t strong enough. So I went to the wooden cabinet in the kitchen and reached for something, anything that would Kill me. Make me feel numb; Stone cold.
My hands were steady they gripped the bottle of pills. Mom’s old prescription. She forgot to throw it away. Lesson learned I guess. I carried the bottle and a glass of water back to my cloud soft bed, not thinking of the consequences if I woke up. I asked that I didn’t wake up. My head was crystal clear. I picked up the first pill placed it on my sand dry tongue and swallowed. I felt it slide down my throat. Let’s try another. Another. Another. Another. Another. Another. Another. Eight ghost white pills rested in the pit of my gut. At this point I was panicked. My stomach twisted to knots. “Mom!” I yelled. “I took the pills.” After being interrogated by my mom and doctors I was finally allowed back home. A few days later a psychiatrist whose eyes bore holes into mine diagnosed me with depression. 150 Mgs of Wellbutrin, take daily. Thanks Doc I had no Idea I was depressed! *sarcasm*
Now? I don’t think about jumping or feeling wind through my tangled hair. I don’t think about of sicking bone crunching or feeling cement. I think about the suns warmth and how big the world is and how much I have left to explore. I laugh. I laugh loud enough so that everyone hears me and I hear it echoing if the mountain tops.