Stake Bros, Inc

“STAKE BROS, INC”
Written by CHARLES REID
STORY BY CHARLES REID, and SHANE YATES.

Copyrighted under TOKEN OTHER GUYS, PRODUCTIONS. 2013

FADE IN

EXT. FOG LIT HOUSE-DUSK

TWO TWENTY SOMETHING YEAR OLDS, a TALL BROWN SKINNED YOUNG MAN, and a LONG HAIRED SMALLER ONE stand in front of a FOG LIT HOUSE

CHARLES
(V.O.)
I lived across the street from a VAMPIRE...I'm the TALL ONE, Name's CHARLES.

The TWO look around at the HOUSE before revealing that they were strapped up with VAMPIRE KILLING TOOLS, CROSSES, and STAKES, and other items.

SHANE
(V.O.)
At first, I didn't believe the ugly bastard, but he's my best friend...when your best friend needs you to walk into hell...you do it, no questions asked. My names SHANE.

INT. HOUSE-DUSK

A MONTAGE begins playing showing the TWO being viciously beaten and thrown about from some VAMPIRES.

SHANE
(V.O.)
I quickly learned that CHARLES wasn't kidding...fucking place was crawling with FANGS.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
Took an ass whooping that's for sure...but we got it going...

MONTAGE continues showing the TWO throwing HOLY WATER into some of the VAMPIRE'S FACES, staking through their HEARTS with ease, getting lucky with some and fending others off with CROSSES before being attacked as CHARLES'S didn't work.

SHANE
(V.O.)
Pretty terrible vampire killer when you can't use crosses...faithless bastard.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
Still killed more than you that night...

SHANE
(V.O.)
We took out the trash...but that wasn't our goal...we needed to kill her...the big one...the COUNTESS.

A BEAUTIFUL, FULL BREASTED BRUNETTE WOMAN, ATTACKS them, easily throwing them about and beating CHARLES into a pulp before SHANE splashes her with HOLY WATER forcing her to retreat.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
After a pretty decent fight...

SHANE
(V.O.)
Uh...

CHARLES
(V.O.)
Shut up...after we forced her to retreat...we took the big step...we took out that Queen bitch.

SHANE holds her down as she was in her coffin, her FACE a twisted and monstrous HALF WOMAN/VAMPIRE creature like face as CHARLES stabs the STAKE through her heart, The VAMPIRE QUEEN SCREAMING and SCREECHING before convulsing as CHARLES kept pounding the STAKE in until it was almost buried to the hilt, CHARLES and SHANE stepping away from the COFFIN as the VAMPIRE QUEEN SCREAMED IN HORROR before her final death shrill rings out and she goes lifeless, her body twisting and turning , reverting back to normal as she was a beautiful peaceful looking woman.

The TWO look at each other, bruised, battered and covered in blood.

EXT. HOUSE- DAWN

The TWO step out as the SUN was peaking out over the HOMES as SHANE and CHARLES look at each other, as they were covered in blood.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
We knew things were never going to be the same...the world was different...the world was dark and monstrous...and we knew...we knew this wasn't it...this VAMPIRE menace...no way we took care of it all.

SHANE
(V.O.)
No one believed us...no matter what we did, no matter who we told they all laughed...they all...thought we were crazy. Even when we forced the police to go to the home and see for themselves...the Coffin was gone...the bodies gone. No evidence was left...and then we knew for sure.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
So we did the only thing we could...we wrote a book.

A MONTAGE of events shows the TWO writing, promoting and doing interviews all around the country about their book “STAKE BROS, INC”

SHANE
(V.O.)
People think we wrote the book for fame and fortune, that our enthusiasm, our never wavering account of what happened was just to sell the book...

CHARLES
(V.O.)
We didn't write the book for people to believe us...not initially...we wrote the book, to call out the vampires all across the globe...to tell them...we were coming for that ass.

SHANE
(V.O.)
And believe it or not...it worked.

A MONTAGE of events shows the TWO in various STATES, CITIES, TOWNS, and even a BOAT, killing off all kinds of races, creeds, and genders of VAMPIRES.

SHANE
(V.O.)
Believe it or not...killing a bunch of people, vampires or not...it brings you some bad publicity...

A MONTAGE shows a series of VIDEO CLIPPINGS, and NEWS CHANNELS detailing an FBI and NATION WIDE MAN HUNT of the TWO, as FOOTAGE is shown of various bodies left behind, some with STAKES still left in their HEARTS as a WEBSITE is shown with their many EXPLOITS.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
On the run...killing vampires...running a web site...it's not an easy life...but if we don't do it...who the fuck else will?

SHANE
(V.O.)
We don't have last names...none we're willing to give...we were able to get ourselves taken out of the SOCIAL SECURITY REGISTRY.

CHARLES
(V.O.)
For the few people who know us, we're just CHARLES and SHANE...

SHANE
(V.O.)
To the WORLD at large...we're the STAKE BROTHERS...

CHARLES
(V.O.)
Here to kill VAMPS...and have fun doing it.

FADE OUT

OPENING CREDITS

FADE IN

EXT. ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK

CHARLES opens the back of a VAN as he was strapped up in heavy padded RIOT GEAR almost, CHARLES rummaging through a bag before pulling it out of the VAN as SHANE was checking his IPAD as it had schematics of the AMUSEMENT PARK.

FIVE YEARS LATER flashes across the screen

A LARGE BLACK MAN with a CAMERA comes around as he was also geared up as SHANE was putting on his wrist guards as a more TIMID WHITE GUY was wearing a speaker set, sitting in the back of the VAN as CAMERA'S and TV SCREENS were hooked up inside as he was typing and running the feeds off a small portable generator and a series of cables with a data server encrypting and hiding their IP ADDRESS.

SHANE comes and pats the CAMERA MAN on the shoulders as CHARLES opens his bag.

CHARLES
When do we go on, MARK?

The TECH GUY, MARK LANDIS, pulls the HEADPHONES down as he switches the feeds to the CAMERAS.

MARK
Six minuets. We sure this is the nest?

CHARLES
Positive, we did our homework.

The CAMERA MAN, BRIAN GRIMES takes a .45 and puts it into a side holster around his left leg as SHANE was checking on the contents of his bag.

SHANE
CHARLES did you take my UV FLASHLIGHT?

CHARLES
Why would I take that?

BRIAN
I think I saw it up front.

SHANE sighs and heads to the front of the VAN as CHARLES comes over and takes a CAMERA HEAD SET from MARK putting it on around his head before he hooks a small MIC to the collar of his shirt.

CHARLES
Testing, one two...

MARK
Camera is strong, and MIC sounds good.

CHARLES
Alright alright alright.

CHARLES cockily walks over towards BRIAN who flips him off as CHARLES just laughs as SHANE comes around with his FLASHLIGHT.

SHANE
BRIAN, you sure you want to go back in this time? We're not asking you to.

CHARLES
Yeah sexual chocolate why not sit this one out?

BRIAN
You guys have more close calls then I do, besides Nest's haven't been particularly harrowing for us.

CHARLES
Nope, not really.

MARK
Alright, live in three minuets. SHANE, walk us through.

SHANE
Alright.

SHANE brings up the MAP on the AMUSEMENT PARK on his IPAD as BRIAN and CHARLES come around to it as MARK was watching from CHARLES'S HEAD CAM.

SHANE
We've got about 3,0000 square feet to cover, but...the deepest and most inhabitable area that a nest would reside in is here...inside the CIRCUS TENT, it's got fresh dirt, a cooler climate, and easily able to be burrowed into if they wanted to go underground.

CHARLES
Sounds about right. How many you think we're dealing with here?

SHANE
Emails about the missing persons started up about six weeks ago...so anywhere between a dozen, to hell...a hundred.

BRIAN
In fucking no name, GEORGIA I might add.

MARK
One minuet before we go on...

CHARLES
Alright, SHANE...head set, let's do this.

SHANE grabs his HEAD SET as BRIAN holds the CAMERA up as SHANE comes over and stands besides CHARLES as MARK began counting down as one of the LARGER screens was on a WEBSITE titled “STAKEBROS, INC.COM” and was counting down on a timer as MARK mouths “THREE TWO ONE” before pointing at them as their faces suddenly appeared on the SCREEN.

CHARLES
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to STAKE BROS, INC. I am CHARLES STAKE, this is SHANE STAKE, otherwise known as the STAKE BROTHERS. Five years ago, we encountered our first VAMPIRE...and since then...well, we've had a steady job killing the bastards. VAMPIRES are real, you can choose to believe it or not, but to not believe is to allow yourself to be their next target...to believe...is to at least be prepared...and know that there are people out there doing all they can to protect your neck.  Now, this is one of our milestone episodes...

SHANE
That's right, this is episode two zero zero. The big 200.

CHARLES
That's a lot of vampires we've taken care of. But we do it because we have too. And because no one else will. Vampires been getting a steady ass whipping from us, and we ain't planning on stopping.

SHANE
Now as we do with every episode, we want to educate, and at least give those who believe the proper information and tools to succeed, should they ever come across one of these...blood suckers.

CHARLES
So let's get this out of the way shall we? First and foremost, Certain things are myths about VAMPIRES. VAMPIRES do not need to be invited into your home...they will break in, and come at you with all their might and cunning to suck you dry, or turn you. Again, they do not need to be invited into your home to drink you to death.

SHANE
GARLIC and SILVER are also no use. So don't expect much in that regard.

CHARLES
VAMPIRES however can't go into the sunlight, and have to sleep in a coffin and or in the grave dirt from the area in which they were turned. So there is at least a twelve hour window you're working with, or hiding from.

SHANE
You can harm a FANG using holy and religious symbols, such as CROSSES, and what have you...

CHARLES
But you have to have faith....faith in the religion or the weapon itself. It's why I can't use CROSSES, I don't have faith, and therefore it's an ineffective tool for me. Well...for the most part.

SHANE
Ultra violet light and rays do incredible damage to them, so the SUN and or sun equivalent is definitely your friend. Also doesn't hurt to have HOLY WATER. I was able to ordain myself a priest, thank you internet, and can now bless our own holy water.

CHARLES
Trust me, that has been incredibly helpful to us.

SHANE
Now these things are incredible powerful. Their amazingly fast, strong and durable, they have the ability to shape shift into forms, an ugly as hell bat like creature, and an even scarier and dangerous WOLF.

CHARLES
And here's a kicker, if they've just fed, recently, you've got about a zero to none chance of taking it out. It hulks out basically. Holy water, trying to stake it, crosses that all doesn't work, the only way to take out a blood lusting VAMP is to burn it to death, so the UV LIGHT, and or the SUN are your best and pretty much only bet.

SHANE
Now the fun part...the part we excel in .

CHARLES
Killing' em. You got a variety of methods. You can expose them to sunlight or UV LIGHT, it causes them to sizzle and burn, exposure for a good amount of time will cause them to erupt and they will burn pretty.

SHANE
Dosing them completely in HOLY WATER will also do the same trick.

CHARLES
The sure fire best way to kill a VAMPIRE is to cut it's fucking head off. You cut it's head off, you got one dead vampire.

SHANE
And last but not least, staking it in the heart. But...there's a catch with staking, as we've come to learn over the past year...

CHARLES
Yeah, turns out if you stake a vampire, but you take the stake out, in time...could be months, and or years...eventually, with some blood transfusions and time, the heart of a vampire will repair, and they will rise again.

SHANE
So if you stake a VAMPIRE, leave the stake in, and take care of it.

CHARLES
We recommend beheading. But if you want to expose it to the sun, or dose it holy water, that'll work too.

SHANE
The main thing...better safe then sorry.

CHARLES
Now that we've got the lesson out of the way, let's get down to business.

CHARLES and SHANE move as the CAMERA pans in on the AMUSEMENT PARK as the SUN could be seen peaking not far off in the distance.

CHARLES
It's almost dawn here, about forty till. These are the prime hunting hours we've found. The VAMPIRES are still awake but winding down or returning to their coffins and what not.

SHANE
As you can see we are hunting this time in an ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK outside of a town in GEORGIA that we won't say...

CHARLES
Legal reasons, y'all understand.

SHANE
What we're hunting today is one of our newest NESTS, one of a few we've had within the last fifteen episodes.

CHARLES
As some of you viewers out there know, NESTS are tricky, but otherwise pretty straight forward hunts.

SHANE
There's a bunch of them, but most are newly turned and mostly naive, half of them probably never have even left the nest yet.

CHARLES
Which is a clear advantage for us.

SHANE
Now, let's see what we're going in there with today.

CHARLES opens his pack and begins pulling out contents, strapping them to his gear as he prepares.

CHARLES
My SILVER MACHETES, STEEL TIPPED STAKES, and CLASSIC WOODEN. A HOLY WATER BOMB, basically a glass circular bottle that uh does some radial damage. UV FLASHLIGHT, mounted onto my beautiful SUPER SOAKER.

CHARLES holds up a GIANT SQUIRT GUN.

CHARLES
TWO GALLON tank, fully blessed and as you can see, I also have a bayonet here on the end. But as many of you know, my main squeeze comes from this beauty here...LUCILLE.

CHARLES pulls up a LOUISVILLE SLUGGER which had CROSSES embedded all over it.

CHARLES
Now holy symbols as a whole do some damage, carve it into a bat...and you have a meat grinder I call “LUCILLE”. Now for some reason LUCILLE works for me, put a regular cross in my hand, not a damn thing happens. But one smack with this bad lady and you'll see a VAMP or two's head come nicely off this morning.

SHANE
As for me.

SHANE showcases his bag full of goods.

SHANE
A few crosses with bladed ends, hand made, stakes, steel and wooden, the HOLY WATER BOMBS that CHARLES also has, my UV FLASHLIGHT, a COLT PYTHON with CROSS embedded bullets, does a real number on them, get them in the heart or the head and their pretty much down for the count. And my signature.

SHANE pulls up a KATANA.

SHANE
A KATANA that I blessed, coated in holy oil, and...

SHANE flips a switch on the handle and watches as the BLADE begins to glow a violet light.

SHANE
UV Light-bulbs installed into the hilt, which heats the BLADE.

CHARLES
Basically it's a fucking Light saber to vampires.

SHANE
This is how we do.

CHARLES
This is how we do.

Both
STAKE BROS, INC.

MARK gives them a signal and the TWO begin towards the AMUSEMENT PARK as MARK brings their HEAD CAM'S up on split screens along with BRIAN'S MAIN CAMERA.

INT. AMUSEMENT PARK

CHARLES
A lot of you out there may think that this is just some high dollar web series...that it's always been a staged vampire killing show. We assure you...what you're about to see is one hundred percent real. It's going to be violent...bloody...gory and and everything else associated with disgusting and dark shit.

SHANE
CHARLES...look alive.

CHARLES notices something run by them, BRIAN quickly yelling and pointing it out as SHANE throws a FIST up, stopping them as CHARLES nods and pulls his SUPER SOAKER around his body, the TWO of them turning their UV FLASHLIGHT'S ON as BRIAN looks about as he too was wearing a vest.

CHARLES
You save your light, BRIAN...

BRIAN
Wasn't going to use it yet.

CHARLES
SHANE, where did it go?

SHANE
Right towards where I said they were probably nesting.

CHARLES
The CIRCUS TENT?

SHANE
Yep.

BRIAN
Watch out!

SHANE quickly turns to his right as SHANE shines the UV LIGHT onto a LEAPING VAMPIRE, the VAMPIRE quickly contorts and falls in agony as the light hit it directly in the face, burning it on impact as it writhed and screamed as CHARLES runs over and pumps his SUPER SOAKER a few times before pulling the trigger and doses it holy water, SHANE stepping back as the VAMPIRE screams in agony as the water covered almost its entire upper half before it burst into bright green, yellow and red flames.

SHANE
First kill of the morning.

CHARLES
Burn baby burn.

SHANE
Sentry?

CHARLES
Of course.

SHANE
Then they've been expecting us.

BRIAN
That's been happening way to often lately.

SHANE
Focus up. FANGS are waiting for us.

SHANE pulls his COLT PYTHON Up as he aims it about as they continue on towards the CIRCUS TENT. CHARLES pumping the super soaking the entire time as he was on the clear look out.

INT. CIRCUS TENT

CHARLES and SHANE enter in first, BRIAN close behind as MARK was monitoring as SHANE and CHARLES'S HEAD CAM had a side LIGHT as BRIAN had a UV LIGHT mounted to the bottom of his CAMERA.

CHARLES and SHANE step about as CHARLES sniffs.

CHARLES
Sulfur...

SHANE
FANG STENCH is strong...

CHARLES
We're not alone in here...

VOICE
(O.S.)
Good guess.

THE TWO turn as a Victorian Dressed VAMPIRE appears from the far end of the TENT.

CHARLES
What is up with you faggy ass Vampires and this Victorian code you live by.

VAMPIRE
We are traditionalist. And you two...you two dare cross the vampiric nation? You have no idea how many of us there are...

CHARLES
A hell of a lot fewer thanks to us.

VAMPIRE
So bold...so confident. To think such CATTLE would create such havoc.

SHANE
You're not the first and I imagine not the last VAMPIRE to give us the bad guy speech.

VAMPIRE
This is no speech, this is your eulogy.

CHARLES
Clever touch, I liked that.

VAMPIRE
Did you now? Do you think I would start a nest here, in this...dinky town if I did not have a reason to do so?

CHARLES
You're all vain, whatever reason you have is likely dumb.

VAMPIRE
I was ordered too.

SHANE
Ordered?

VAMPIRE
By those who serve our mistress, she...

CHARLES
Who is “she”?

VAMPIRE
In time...I am to bring you alive...turned if possible. But alive.

CHARLES
Okay, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

The VAMPIRE begins to chuckle as SHANE looks about.

VAMPIRE
Arise my children! Arise and feast...for the first time...

SHANE
Enough of this...

SHANE aims and fires one shot, hitting the VAMPIRE in the head, The VAMPIRE laughing but stops as he begins to shake, SHANE watching as the VAMPIRE screams as a light begins to shine out of the bullet hole in his forehead before his FACE BEGINS TO MELT, the VAMPIRE screaming as it suddenly burst into the multi colored flames as CHARLES smirks but notices the ground around them, which was all dirt, begin to shift and move.

CHARLES
Oh shit.

BRIAN draws closer towards the guys as he watches VAMPIRE HANDS and BODIES begin to pop up from the ground around them, SHANE and CHARLES going back to back as SHANE opens the cartridge of his PYTHON, taking the fired shell out as he loads a single round in from off of his Gun belt that he had around his chest.

SHANE
I take the right, you take the left?

CHARLES
Seems like they're kinda all around us per say.

SHANE
Just kill whatever is around you...BRIAN...

BRIAN
Yeah?

SHANE
Turn your lights on...and stay out of our way.

BRIAN
No problem.

MARK punches in some codes and adds some sound clarity as he pops his knuckles.

MARK
Showtime.

BRIAN watches as the VAMPIRES begin to rise, BARRING THEIR MONSTROUS FANGS and FACES towards them as CHARLES sprays about in a semi circle, dosing at least EIGHT VAMPIRES FULLY WHO BURN UP INSTANTLY, BRIAN watching as a few were going towards him but he turns a knob on his vest, watching as VAMPIRES quickly scamper away from him as THREE DOZEN UV LIGHTS on round bulbs turn on around him, BRIAN standing put as he focuses his CAMERA on the action from the TWO as the VAMPIRES stay a good seven feet from him as the LIGHTS were going about in all directions.

BRIAN, now fully protected watched the action unfold around him.

CHARLES continued to dose all around him with the SUPER SOAKER, setting them ablaze as SHANE was carefully picking off the VAMPIRES who drew the closest to him, watching them burn to ash as he hit four in the head and two in the heart. SHANE pulling one of his HOLY WATER BOMBS out as he tosses it and watches it shatter on a VAMPIRE, watching as the water sprays out and hits three others, setting them ablaze as CHARLES swings the SUPER SOAKER around his body and pulls his BAT, LUCILLE, from it's holder on his back.

CHARLES
Come on, motherfuckers!

A VAMPIRE charges and CHARLES swings, listening to the bat connect to its head, watching as the HEAD EXPLODED into gory chunks on impact as CHARLES swings again, this time to his right as he hit a VAMPIRE in the side, the VAMPIRE screeching as the crosses burned into his skin and melted half of his rib cage on his left side, CHARLES swinging it again and takes its head off with another viscous hit.

BRIAN alternates between the TWO as the VAMPIRES who were stalking him kept trying to make a run or jump at him but the lights were protecting him from all angles, each attempt causing a part of their bodies to burn and sizzle up instantly, which led to their howls and backing away.

SHANE watches as one lands near him and swipes it's sharp claw like hand at him but SHANE pulls one of his CROSS BLADES out and slices up, taking it's hand off with ease before stabbing it in the heart, the VAMPIRE screaming as it falls over before SHANE turns and pulls his KATANA out, the UV LIGHT still glowing and making the BLADE itself look violet as SHANE watches a PACK come towards him.

SHANE
Slice true.

SHANE spins and cuts across three of their chests at once, SHANE feeling no resistance from the cut as he watches the THREE VAMPIRES howl before their bodies slide off the upper parts of their bodies before bursting into the flame, the other VAMPIRES watching horrified as SHANE just looks around and charges them.

CHARLES slams the bat freely and wildly about hitting everything that would come close enough to be struck, CHARLES laughing as VAMPIRE pulp and bits were splashing and spraying against him, CHARLES not seeming to care as he was bashing away, just as SHANE was slicing his way through at least seven VAMPIRES, each one taking a beautiful slash all the way through it's body before exploding into flames and gory bits of pulp, puss, blood and gore.

CHARLES watches as a VAMPIRE came up towards his right, and turning he grabbed a stake from off of his LEFT HIP and tossed it to the side, watching as the STAKE IMPALED the VAMPIRE in it's chest, CHARLES running over as he then slams the bat into the stake, spiking the STAKE nearly all the way through as the VAMPIRE hissed and then fell over dead.

BRIAN eyes about as there were only four VAMPIRES left, BRIAN watching as CHARLES and SHANE went back to back, SHANE smirking as he was barely covered in blood as CHARLES was drenched in vampire gore.

SHANE
Grand finale?

CHARLES
Hell yeah, why not.

SHANE
BRIAN!

BRIAN
Yeah.

SHANE
Focus up.

BRIAN
You got it.

BRIAN nods as he focuses in on SHANE and CHARLES, who both set their weapons down, CHARLES laying LUCILLE flat on the ground as SHANE stabs his KATANA into the ground.

The VAMPIRES look confused but continue to close in on them as CHARLES and SHANE were still back to back, and not moving.

THREE VAMPIRES attacked CHARLES and one attacked SHANE, SHANE spinning around as he lets it come straight for CHARLES, CHARLES smirking as he pulls up a FLASH BANG and tosses it down in front of him, SHANE pulling his KATANA out as he slices the LONE VAMPIRE across his waist, slicing him in half as CHARLES closes his eyes and covers his ears as the FLASH BANG goes off, the THREE VAMPIRES SCREAMING as the VIOLET LIGHT exploded and engulfed them, setting them ablaze instantly as SHANE turns the light off on the KATANA and sheaths it.

CHARLES opens his eyes and looks about, CHARLES screaming in delight as SHANE smirks as BRIAN was laughing as MARK was pumping his fists in the VAN.

CHARLES
Did you catch all that shit!? Holy fuck, that was high quality STAKE BROTHERS ass whippings right there, and we'll have more of that to come in episode 201! Stay tuned everybody!

MARK
(V.O.)
CAMERA feeds going off in three...two...one...we're clear. Hurry up and do what you gotta do, I want to clear this place in like twenty minuets.

SHANE
We'll be quick, MARK.

SHANE watches as CHARLES pulls both MACHETE'S out, CHARLES tossing one over to SHANE who takes it as they go about to the BODIES that were staked or partially burned and were taking their heads off, BRIAN still keeping the vest lights on as he was coming up to some of the bodies and plugging them with the crossed embedded rounds that he had for his .45.

After a few minuets of taking the heads off, CHARLES wipes some VAMPIRE GUNK off of his face as he comes around to SHANE who was a little more blood stained than before.

SHANE
What did he mean..?

CHARLES
Who? The crazy fucker from earlier?

SHANE
Who do you think “she” is?

CHARLES
We have all the time to theorize after we get the fuck out of here.

BRIAN
Yeah, we best get a move on.

CHARLES
Saddle up!

CHARLES slaps SHANE on the ass and runs off, BRIAN shaking his head as he and SHANE walk side by side.

SHANE
That look alright?

BRIAN
Looked good, boss.

SHANE
How's that vest working out?

BRIAN
Works like a charm.

SHANE
Good. Can't have our best and only camera man getting the life sucked out of him.

BRIAN
Amen.

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK

MARK is lighting up as he and CHARLES were celebrating as they each had a beer in hand, CHARLES reaches into the cooler and tosses one to SHANE who hands it to BRIAN as SHANE waves it off.

SHANE
I'm driving first leg.

CHARLES
Right, right. MARK, how'd we fair?

MARK
2 point 4 million subscribers...that's our best ratings in a while. Must be the milestone number.

CHARLES
How many of those new subscribers?

MARK
About sixty thousand.

CHARLES
Not bad. Hits?

MARK
400,000 Tweets and counting.

CHARLES
Goddamn we're good!

SHANE
What's our account looking like?

MARK
Funneling through right now, but I don't think it'll get seized this time, I made sure to use some better alias's and that IP address scrambler we got few months back is amazing, I counted at least sixteen attempts, none of them got pass the fourth firewall. Four out of sixteen. We're good for a while at least.

SHANE
Well let's still not waste any time moseying about in this fucking hell hole. MARK, put BRIAN'S VEST, and my KATANA on the charger, might wanna go ahead and charge the UV FLASHLIGHT'S as well. How many of those UV FLASHBANGS do we have left?

CHARLES
Yeah, cuz that shit right there, is the bomb diggity.

BRIAN
Haha, bomb diggity? Who the hell says that?

MARK
We got about four left, boss. And I'll get on it

MARK helps BRIAN out of the VEST as CHARLES loads his gear into his bag.

CHARLES
We need to hit a motel soon, I am not driving out of state stained in vampire fucking gunk.

SHANE
We don't have time to stop tonight, we have to pick up our new intern by six tomorrow night in FLORDIA.

CHARLES
Another Intern?

MARK
SHANE, do we really need another intern?

SHANE
It doesn't hurt to have one.

BRIAN
I can't watch another one die...

SHANE
We won't, we've developed a lot better protection system for you guys, and we won't be taking her into the field as much if at all, if we can help it.

CHARLES
It's a her?

SHANE
Yes, CHARLES. We've known it's a her for a while now.

CHARLES
Foxy.

SHANE
You're an idiot.

CHARLES
I makes money!

CHARLES takes a drink as SHANE shakes his head and starts taking his gear off as the GROUP begin loading the VAN.

INT. FBI OFFICE.

A OLDER MAN pauses on the last frame of the “STAKE BROS, INC” 200TH episode.

FBI AGENT HUGO PIKE, and his partner ANDREW FOREE watch as their boss, FBI DIRECTOR MIKE ANDERSON shifts in his seat.

MIKE
Almost 2 and a half million people watched this garbage last night, and I'm hearing our best and brightest in tech can't even break a simple firewall encryption to track one lousy IP fucking address!

HUGO
They're mobile and their using top quality stuff, with a programmer who probably knows what the hell he is doing, sir.

MIKE
I don't care, we've been after these two gentlemen and whom ever has been aiding them for nearly three years, and we've got nothing to show for it.

HUGO
Sir, I want to throw this out there...

ANDREW
HUGO...Don't...

MIKE
Something you need to tell me, Agent PIKE?

HUGO
We've been after these guys for three years. Every town, city, providence we can trace them to, dozens of missing persons, and the few of those persons we find...had stakes in their hearts.

MIKE
Fucking lunatics.

HUGO
Sir, how do you explain reports starting from the last year alone of nearly a dozen of these so called victims going missing, graves and coffins dug up, body gone...

MIKE
It's called sick fucks, Agent PIKE. These TWO MEN have a gaggle of sick followers who will do anything for these guys, anything to help fabricate and keep this illusion that vampires are real.

HUGO
I don't believe that sir. I have a hard time believing that these men stake these bodies, and then decide to come back a year later, going from town to town, again mind you, and digging up these bodies to sell the idea that VAMPIRES without the stakes in the heart and their heads intact, yadda yadda. I just don't believe it.

MIKE
So you believe in VAMPIRES?

HUGO
I don't know what I believe in at this point, sir. I just believe that none of what is happening or what we can gather is true, or at the very least makes any goddamn sense.

ANDREW
With all due respect, sir...Agent PIKE and I have been finding some irregularities in these cases, and some of the time placements for the body snatching does appear to be happening while we know these men are half way across the damn country. Now you're probably right, it's probably some crazy fans who read the paper, or local website and thought they could do it too help sell the lie, but...It's getting more and more harder to put a rational lid on this thing.

MIKE
I don't care what you have to do, but you will put a rational spin on this. Unless you can prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that vampires are real.

HUGO
Sir, you think these guys just have millions of dollars invested in special effects to pull off shit like what we just saw?

MIKE
I am not having this discussion, about the merits of whether vampires are real or not. These two men, are in connection with nearly a hundred known fatalities, and even more missing persons. I want them found, I want them apprehended, before this madness continues to get out of hand. Am I understood?

BOTH
Yes, sir.

MIKE
Get out of my sight, and keep this...theory of yours, Agent PIKE to yourself.

HUGO
Yessir.

HUGO and ANDREW head out as MIKE rubs his chin and turns his TV off.

EXT. FBI OFFICES

HUGO and ANDREW walk through the busy buildings as HUGO shakes his head.

HUGO
Goddamnit, this is starting to irk the shit out of me.

ANDREW
You can't be going in there trying to sell him on VAMPIRES, it isn't practical, nor is it fucking smart, or sane.

HUGO
What else do you have? I'm serious, ANDREW. What other conclusion have you drawn, that's not...that doesn't lead to some confusing fucked up scenario?

ANDREW
I know...HUGO, I'm with you, I am, I just...I can't go all in on this idea with you.

HUGO
These guys...write a book, blow up, then just...fall off the face of the earth? Wiped out of the Social Security System, they technically don't exist, how do they pull that string? Then you're telling me about...all these disappearances, all these strange bodies we're finding with stakes in their hearts, now over a third of them are missing? They’ve been doing this damn show for three years now, and the footage I'm seeing doesn't look all that fake to me. I just...I can't believe there are VAMPIRES until I see one for myself but at this point...what if what they are really doing is killing vampires...?

ANDREW
Then we picked the wrong job.

HUGO
No shit.

ANDREW
So let's say we run with this, we really get serious and run with it...where would we start?

HUGO
Well...I Imagine we would have to keep watching...and place some calls out to people who believe that these men are actually killing vampires.

ANDREW
Oh joy.

HUGO raises and eyebrow to him as ANDREW smirks and the TWO make it to the ELEVATORS.

INT. VAN

CHARLES is sleeping in the passenger seat as SHANE was driving, MARK was on the computer checking the screens and maps as BRIAN was sleeping in a small little chair behind SHANE.

MARK
Take the next left.

SHANE
Why?

MARK
Road block, security checks.

SHANE
They know we're still in Georgia.

MARK
Take the left, take that down a ways and then a right, we'll come out about twenty miles past the check point, and then it's a pretty smooth ride till we hit FLORDIA.

SHANE
Fine.

MARK
You think it's ever going to end?

SHANE
What?

MARK
You know, this...VAMPIRE scourge.

SHANE
The myth of the VAMPIRES has been around for hundreds of years, in all forms and kinds of variations. I don't know how far this rabbit hole goes, man. But I can tell you this, we've not even made a dent.

MARK
That's uh...disheartening.

SHANE
But their afraid of us. That much is for certain. They're afraid because we exposed them, we revealed to the world that they're out there. And we continue to do that week after week after week. Pretty soon others will encounter them, and hopefully they've seen our show, or at least know what to do. And then they'll go on hunts, and then they'll be others and others...and pretty soon the VAMPIRES won't be able to hide in the shadows. They'll have to all come out. They'll have to make their stand. And when they do, the world will be ready...least...that's my hope.

MARK
So you're not expecting to see it's end?

SHANE
No. I'm expecting what me and CHARLES will accomplish in the end, is the beginning of their end. There's just to many of them, to many unknown numbers to say when that could and would be.

MARK
Don't you feel it though? You heard that VAMPIRE earlier...it's starting...the real buck against us. The real fight.

SHANE
Yeah...

MARK
Kinda exciting though?

SHANE raises and eyebrow as MARK laughs and leans back, toking up as he smirks and watches the monitors.

CHARLES shifts in his seat as he mumbles.

SHANE
What?

CHARLES
...Water...

SHANE
What? Speak English motherfucker.

CHARLES
Need more water...for the Super Soaker...we're out .

SHANE
We'll get some here soon.

CHARLES
I need a shower SHANE...

SHANE
In a while, bubba.

CHARLES
I smell like dead fish and cow guts.

SHANE
Lovely.

CHARLES
Mhm.

SHANE
They were going to take us alive...turned even...to “she”.

CHARLES
I was there, SHANE. I heard it too.

SHANE
I'm still trying to figure that out.

CHARLES
We've killed a lot of chick FANGS. Could be anyone.

SHANE
Too ominous.

CHARLES
Does it matter, he's dead, and if this “she” wants some, bitch can come suck on my man stick, and then get her head cut the fuck off.

SHANE
You sound awake.

CHARLES
You know what I am awake, because I smell like shit, and and I look like shit, and just spent all morning killing vampires, and riding in a packed VAN with you motherfuckers.

SHANE
Yeah...

CHARLES
Now get us out of this state, and somewhere where I can either A) take a shower, or B) bang a broad.

SHANE
Yeah.

CHARLES
You think we're going to keep this Intern around?

SHANE
Our track record hasn't been so great, I admit.

CHARLES
We've gotten at least six killed...

MARK
Nine...

CHARLES
Nine killed...Nine? Goddamn. Why would anyone take this job?

SHANE
Believers.

CHARLES
Five years...can you believe we're still kicking?

SHANE
Shocks the hell out of me.

CHARLES
Big Black’s black ass is still alive too.

BRIAN snores as he was clearly out, CHARLES still having his eyes closed as he hadn't opened them entirely yet at any point.

CHARLES
Yeah, that's Big Black.

MARK
I'd say I've made it pretty far?

CHARLES
For a tech guy, yeah, lasting the year and a half that you have has been pretty remarkable.

MARK
There was that scare in buffalo.

CHARLES
Haha, oh yeah...

SHANE
We got you out of there alright.

MARK
Yeah, that's true.

SHANE
Look, we just gotta...keep moving forward...

CHARLES
Never look back...

MARK
Never falter.

SHANE
That's how we do.

CHARLES
I'm going back to sleep...

CHARLES stretches and yawns and shifts his pillow as SHANE just shakes his head as MARK just goes back to playing a video game on the monitor.