The Healer

I love him.... and can't logically explain to myself why. Everyday I obsess over trying to understand what is it about him... his charm, his cool demeanor, the fact that he shows just enough interest...I can't understand it. Yes he's attractive, but that's a picture we have yet to meet, not that I don't trust he says who he is, but you never really know. It doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel for him. We've been talking for months, but strangely it was love at first type, for me anyway... I chose him, because I liked his statement... I was so nervous I never responded to anyone from an online profile before

I can't understand why I like him as much as I do, I don't deny the feelings, but I do want him closer to further analyze these emotions, I never liked someone without the physical appearance and the nature of a natural introduction of meeting in person, this wasn't a like based on the physical, but the conversations we had were equally just as intense. Me studying him in person would help me see if the feelings I assume my mind has for him are real or just all in my head.

I do that a lot... like someone then no longer feel for them after knowing them, I don't know if it's because I learned them or because I don't want them to know me...the ones, like O that I do let in are just as fucked up as me, so it doesn't feel so bad when the...

The healer, helped me get over O, he transported my mind to another place, if I didn't have him to talk to, I would have allowed my thoughts to succumb to the darkness in the far corners of any human mind. Thinking only of the most extreme ways to move on from love. But instead, he allowed me to shift those feelings, I always say everything is for a reason I just don't know what his purpose is for my life. Was he only here to be a bridge to move on from O? I wanted more from the healer, I didn't just fall for anybody, however everyone I fell for was never good for me, not for long, this is why I obsessively try to find a understanding to this. I really like him to the point where I really want him, the things Healer says to me, I've never heard before, he excites me.

He acts as if I bore him and it drives me wild... I know that I'm a beautiful girl and the few who do fall for me fall hard, was he one of them? He isn't attracted to me physically since we met online, which worries me at times. He's highly intelligent and needs the mental stimulation, which there only so much I can provide. I think about him constantly, at first he was worried about me rejecting him, now I worry if he will meet someone and fall in love and I lose him forever. The way I see it; we were never supposed to meet. With only technology being our gateway to friendship I highly doubt we would have ever met on any other occasion. I thought about how it would be only if everything played out accordingly, that and if half of what I was going to say were factors. My girls and myself head to his area maybe to meet a another friend and have drinks, we go to some rinky dink redneck bar at start downing shots. I'm from Jersey so I'm probably in something tight and short with a great pair of heels, I'm also loud and the clown of the group. The entire time were at our table he's sitting at the bar, striking up a conversion with who would be a regular as his eyes scans faces across our table reading personality profiles in his head about all of us, then his eyes land on my face, and it takes him a little longer read me, because he can't figure me out. He sees my appearance and knows I'm not the outcast, but watches my actions and sees that I'm polite. I step away from the table and head his direction he watches me walk right up to the bar as usual I'm in my own world paying no mind to what's around me. I order more drinks standing there playing around with my phone. He swivels around...

He would say something ordinary probably, like telling me he liked my shoes I would smile and say thank you then he would ask where we were from and I would answer New Jersey, then he would throw it in and say how pretty he thought I was and explain to me how he was scanning the table guessing stuff about us. I would smile and chuckle at him admiring his courage to feel comfortable enough to say that without coming off as a weirdo. I walk back to my table and party with my friends the rest of the night. They call last call and now we're all drunk standing around, I knew I wanted to say something to him, but I didn't know what to say.

Men were always so sensitive when dealing with women, so much that they tend to close up the minute you have there heart... what they fail to understand is when their insecurities start to seep in the result is usually the female getting hurt, stuck picking up the pieces to her broken heart.
It drove me insane that I obsessed over this situation to the point where I've convinced myself I'm no longer interested... it's unhealthy to think of one person so much, but I was already way to consumed with my interests in the situation to not get the answers to my questions.

Questions, it seems I have a lot of those, some I've already answered and some I need Healer to answer. For one, what exactly is it that he likes about me? He initially said because he wanted someone deep and that he chose a dating site because he was missing something. Now he can wam bam thank you ma'am any regular "bar skank" but yet he chooses to torture himself by talking to me, yet whenever I bring up something to do with me liking him he snuffs my advances. I think his like could be vanity related; that I'm superficial constantly talking about shoes and clothing and hair n nail polish colors, he must think I'm such a girl. I entertain him, but I'm not sure if I'm being made a fool of.

I feel there maybe someone else, maybe an old love that still holds his heart, he doesn't know if he is actually ready to move forward, I don't actually know if that's even an option. Every time I talk to him it brings a smile to face...every night I close my eyes I dream of him, it's starting to make me sick, the torture of the situation, I wondered if I should just stop talking to him altogether, but I can't... I try to find reasons to dislike him, but it's no use. I know he's no good for me, he's a ladies man.

Why am I so in love with him? Yes I'm fully aware of all of his pros, but he never once presented any of his flaws...I've asked him certain questions and I suppose he answered honestly. I wondered if he ever wondered why I was single? If he was just as curious about me as I was about him. He never calls me and that made me question him...maybe he wasn't a phone person, I wasn't, sometimes I really dislike the feel of a phone to my ear.

I had a dream that we met, and everything was perfect... that this was it, my moment... and it's scary...once we meet and after we make love we will have to decide where we stand. Our chemistry is undeniable, there's no way we met just on his good taste and judgement, something higher gave him a nudge to write me...but again he's versatile... so he could pretty much get along with anyone he knows a little about a lot of things...sorta like myself... No I tried, with the cute blonde... I tried to make myself like Josh... he was tall, blonde hair blues eyes an all American sweetheart type. But The conversations Josh and I had didn't flow like Healer and me. I know I favor Healer above the few but until we actually seal the deal I cannot afford the luxury of living a fantasy with him as I'm sure he is home, looking or waiting for something more close to home to pop up.... it's the only real reason I can come up with as for why we haven't met yet, but I like to give him the benefit if the doubt and not rush him and also not rush myself.

I know my infatuation originally started when I realized how attracted I was to him, minus the sex.... but he's so smart... it's like starving an animal before giving them something to eat...they devour it... but who will devour who?

He's so handsome... I think he's absolutely beautiful... he's not much of a nerd as I thought... but he could be a good balance for me... if he doesn't turn out to be a psychotic egotistical conceited two timing jerk.

I like a guy to show interest but he shows so little that I wonder if I'm a beautiful fool for waiting for him... I can't help it though I want it to be perfect... I want to feel everything that's been building up inside of me explode and I want him to be the one to do it... I think it's only fair, I won't be able to get him outta my head until then.

Finally some progress...those undeniably uncontrollable feelings for Healer...finally start to simmer...as life continues to move forward I can finally for the first time in months concentrate on something other than obsessing over him. Which is awesome I've completed some pretty important diagrams for work... and thou I still like him... I don't have to feel so much like a desperate weirdo...

Breathers for us... Will be a part of the package...his job really does cut in...but my question to myself is can I accept this from him when I couldn't accept it from the last? The only obvious answer would be his level of commitment... O could not or never promise me a loyal commitment with a white picket fence...only material spoils, but would Healer be able to step to such a plate... in such little time? I understand that it's a selfish request...but it's time I start to think about me and stop worrying about them...or rather him.

He's been taking his time... tortuously dragging out the "first meet" I'm not sure y... I don't know if he wants this... I don't know if he doesn't. One man...but four...maybe five occupants in the vessel... the curse of a Gemini... I miss him when he's gone... and when I do talk to him my face hurts from smiling so much...


Why do people constantly waste their time perusing something they know they can never have?