Christe

"Who is that?" asked Chris

"Gengas Khan, the barber." said Jesus

"What? You mean barbarian? I coulda sworn that guy was like an ancient conquerer or something"

"No dude, our history text book said barber. See, look at his special."

with the swipe of Jesus's forearm, the character on the screen let out a huge scream and charged at Rush Limbaugh, his opponent in the game. Gengas pulled out a pair of scissors and started pulverizing Rush with them, stabbing him repeatedly and then proceeding to give him a really silly haircut.

"That's his special? That's lame as ef man!" said Chris

"Dude yours is just as stupid, you whip me with a bible that's tied to a belt." said Jesus

"Ya but at least that's creative. I'm bored dude, we should stop playing this."

so Jesus turned off 'Pun-ch Fest III' and turned the screen to the anal fisting channel, where what appeared to be Katie Morgan was getting fisted by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

"How old is Katie Morgan now?" pondered Jesus

"A hundred and eighteen I think" answered Chris

"Oh ok, that's cool so she's of age now, I didn't know that"

"Ya dude once porn stars are legally allowed to do hundo-penetrations their careers kinda rise from the ashes again..." said Chris, interrupted by the sound of his mother teleporting home. "Shit dude!"

As Chris's mother's photons outlined her contour and soon she was walking into the living room.

A long and awkward silence took over the room, amplified by the weird moans of Katie Morgan and Dog the Bounty Hunter on the screen.

"...Is this Katie Morgan?" Chris's mother asked.

"Ya" said Chris. "We're gonna go get some astro pizza though. You want me to leave it on for you?"

"Oh, no thanks. I'm gonna vacuum seal the carpet actually so I probably shouldn't have any distractions"

"Alright well I'll see you later tonight then!" said Chris, walking out the door with Jesus.

"Alright have fun, dear!"



Chris and Jesus walked down the quiet, neighborhood street with the chillest of attitudes, due to the Van Morrison tracks being played over the city intercom system. It was now 300 days after the spiritual enlightenment revolution, and one immediate effect of this was the installation of intercom systems. The vast speakers stretch high into the clouds, expelling sounds that seem to come right out of the sky. They played over huge areas, often covering whole cities and counties. This music that comes from the sky is always on, always something to listen to. Some people meditate to it while others dance in the street when they're bored.



"Hey, you know, I'm not actually that hungry" said Chris "are you?"

"Nah man but I would be if we were high. Do you have any ozone kush?" asked Jesus, his eyes lighting up.

"Unfortunately not. That shit's scarce now since Snork doesn't deal anymore. And she's the only one who has his own rocket so he can grow his plants up there." explained Chris

"Dude I wish I had a rocket. I could get off this shitty planet, i tell ya." complained Jesus

"Ah shut up dude, you have nothing to complain about, you have a time machine."

"True. It gets kinda boring though after a while. It's super fun while you're high though. Hey, do you wanna get high and time travel?!" exclaimed Jesus

"OBV" said Chris as he pulled out his sticky icky indica stink.

Jesus grabbed a nug and was about to pull out his handheld sublimator and begin blazing.

"Oh dude you don't need to do that. I put it in the proton accelerator while my mom was at work. You just have to look at it." explained Chris

"Oh, sick." and Jesus put his paraphernalia back in his pocket.

The boys both walked and stared at their respective nugs until they were cashed, then threw them on the ground.

The dudes passed by some cute girls and chatted for a while. They talked about their tests in astronomy the previous day, and their history teacher's dope ass mustache, that was notorious for being the shape of Wario's. Everyone at school gave him props for it.

All the while Van Morrison was still playing, much appreciated by the girls' sex drive.

"Hey, do you guys wanna come time travel with us?" asked Jesus

"Sorry we gotta go to space yoga class. Another time though!" The biddies exclaimed with a smile.

so the dudes walked away, remarking how stellar the girls' personalities were.

"Ya dude that chick has a fucking AWESOME soul." said Jesus as he walked up to the doorway of his house.



They walked through the dining room, down the stairs, and into the fallout basement where the time machine was located. They both stepped inside.

"Alright dude when do you wanna go to?" asked Jesus "How about 0 BC, in honor of the fact that we got zero BootyCunt today! haha"

"Wait... dude... if we go to year zero, won't there not be anything there?" asked Chris

"...I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that one, plain Jane, because I know how high we are." and Jesus typed in the coordinates for the year 0 BC, Bethlehem and waited for his machine to warm up.

While waiting, the dudes went to Jesus’s interchronological travel closet and picked out outfits that reflected the biblical era. Jesus wore a nice maroon linen robe with a gold tassel, and Chris wore a purple robe in hopes of being recognized as a wealthy bro who’s down to party.

The two went back into the time machine and pressed the engage button. A rumble came over the machine and the two held on as they faded in and out of consciousness. Once out for good, Jesus and Chris evaporated into the fabric of time.



When they came to, the time machine was still visible, and they were just lying in the sand.

“Shit!” said Jesus as he flipped on the invisibility feature and placed the key in his nebula-printed undies.

Still extremely high, the dudes set off on the dopest of adventures. They walked along the dusty road that they had landed on, and figured that the city that they could see about a hundred meters away, was Bethlehem. They walked towards it and on the way saw very extreme poverty: slaves digging in the mud and lepers moaning. One man came up to Chris and made some derpy Hebrew sounds. Jesus switched on his Bing Translator to ‘from Hebrew to English’. The man was asking for help. He was a leper who was covered in rags, his bloody and tattered skin showing through where the rags drooped down on his face and shoulders, revealing the horrid injuries below.

“Alright fine but just don’t tell anyone about this” said Jesus as he sprinkled healing water, that he was prescribed from his doctor, on the sick man.

The man looked bewildered as the two dudes made their way toward the town.

After about five minutes, they had made it into Bethlehem, and were walking about the merchants’ square while continuing a recurring argument they often have about when Honey Boo Boo would’ve died of heart disease had she not been slaughtered by revolutionaries years ago. Then, mid argument, Jesus and Chris spotted a palace-looking building with gold-enclaved archways and fancy decor. Upon closer inspection, they first tripped some balls while looking at it. Then they peeked into one of the cracked doorways in the back, realizing that it was a ball being thrown by King Harrid, one of the most lavish and fun-loving tyrants in the middle-east. They made sure no guards were around and snuck in through the crack they had found in the back of the structure. They made their way throughout the party, the wine flowing plentifully, as they chatted with biblical babes and blended in well. All the while, they were super high. The food table was their main hangout area. They would serve up some wine for themselves, and gorge themselves with lamb and bread and grapes and rice. Needless to say, they gradually became quite fucked up as the night grew old and dark like Morgan Freeman’s black ass voice. Jesus was busy talking to a prostitute who was also apparently a snake charmer when he realized that he hadn’t seen Chris in a while. He stumbled around the crowds of Socrates-looking folk, concluding that Chris was nowhere to be found. He waddled outside in search of his lost amigo and after about twenty minutes found him passed out leaning against a small hut.



“Dude, wake up. We should get goin’.” said Jesus, trying to be quiet because he could see some activity inside of the hut.

As Chris awoke slowly, he began to laugh and try to explain the experiences that the night had bestowed upon him. A murmer of slurred sentences all containing the words “dude” and “fuck” slid out of his mouth.

The most complete phrase Jesus could make out was “haha I fucked her so hard!”

A red light came on for Jesus. “You What?!” In a panic, Jesus picked Chris up and half-carried him back to where the time machine had landed. They waited there inside the invisible time machine until they sobered up enough to operate it. They sat there and told dirty jokes, giggling their futuristic arses off and eventually fell asleep.

Jesus awoke to Chris saying “Ohhhh shit.”

Groggy and stinking of wine and weed, Jesus stood up slowly and asked what was up.



“I had sex last night.” said Chris

“Ya I know, you told me. How was it?” asked Jesus

“It was good. Her name was Mary. She was really cool. She was so enthusiastic at the party. Definitely Arabian girl wasted…” Chris explained

“So what’s the problem?”

“I didn’t use protection and I’m pretty sure I came inside of her.”

“Fuck. Is she married? This could be bad dude, we should get out of here.” said Jesus

“Ya she is. We can leave but I feel like we should do something to make this right first.”

“Dude I don’t wanna go further back in time, let’s just go home.” wined Jesus

“No, man, we won’t go back any further. I just have to cover for Mary. I don’t wanna ruin her marriage, so I’ve gotta fix my mistake. Just watch.”

Chris pushed a few buttons and the time machine started to light up. The light grew brighter and brighter, its brilliance astonishing all of Bethlehem and competing with the blaze of the sun. As it gained brightness, it started to rise into the sky. Chris activated the process of going back home, causing the machine to ascend while warming up. He flipped some switches and activated the machine’s intercom system which was barely quieter than the ones back home. Speaking into the microphone, Chris stated Mary’s name in a low, sultry voice.

“Mary” he repeated, and waited for her to exit her house.

She came out of the hut, along with her husband, marveling at the glorious sight.

“Mary. You have been chosen.”

“Who is that? Who’s there?” asked Mary, in a panic.

“I am who am.” said Chris into the microphone while Jesus giggled at the response’s stupid simplicity.

“Listen to my divine grace, bitch.” even more sultry now. “I have chosen you to bear my son. He is coming to earth to bring the word of the Lord to thy people. You must do me this solid and push my son out of your vagina.” said Chris, laughing fairly hard with Jesus now.

“Yes, my Lord. I will serve you.” said Mary, now on her hands and knees. She either must not have remembered the greasy boy whom she had boned the night before, or was playing along quite well in order to fool her husband. “What shall the child be called?” she asked.

“uhh... Jesus Christ.” they both laughed “He is the son of God and brings forth the word of the gospel. Invite your friends to the baby shower. You get more presents that way.” said Chris, holding in laughter.

And with that, the machine was fired up and the boys evaporated into the chronos.

They returned home and both took naps on their water vapor beds, for they were very tired of all the silly shit they’d gone through.