Ducks and Glory

Ducks and Glory

Characters
Francis: An underling of The Boss. Has a very sophisticated way of speaking that he may or may not have picked up from watching British sitcoms as a child.  He is very stubborn and willing to go to great lengths to accomplish his goals.
Walden: A coworker of Francis with a bit of a temper.  He is almost as stubborn as Francis, and doesn't have much patience for humor.
Charles: A coworker of Walden and Francis.
The Boss: A sixty-five-year-old man with a disgustingly cheerful attitude.
Other Coworkers (Pamela, George, Greg, Sherry, Samantha, Clarence, and 2 others)
Theodore: A HappyMart employee.
Head Security Guard
Security Guard #1
Security Guard #2
Security Guard #3

Scene 1--The Office
(The curtains open.  The Boss, Francis, Walden, and the rest of the coworkers are seated around a large office table.  A motivational poster hangs on the back wall next to a window with COOPORATION written in large letters beneath a picture of several ants carrying a donut. The coworkers, including Francis and Walden, are listening to The Boss with obviously feigned interest.)
Boss: (Seated at the right end of the table) Very good presentation today! I believe the project is coming along nicely! In fact, you all have impressed me so much that I feel I must tell you this amazingly wonderful news! (All men and women lean in closer.) Tomorrow is my birthday!  Isn't that exciting!  Oh, another year older and wiser...and closer to retirement. (Boss laughs. Beat. Everyone else joins in with obviously forced laughter.  The boss stands and paces the room.)
Boss:  Ah...this time of year always gives me a wave of nostalgia...My father was a sculptor.  Did I ever tell you that?  Please stop me if I've already told this story.  My father was a sculptor, and he made many great sculptures.  He was very proud of his work.  I liked them all, of course, but my favorite was a blue crystal duck.  Sadly, it broke years ago, and I have yet to see another like it...What I wouldn't do to it back.  Even one like it would...make my life a bit brighter...
(Everyone pulls out notebooks and writes as the boss looks out the window.  When he turns back, they quickly stuff them in their pockets.)
Boss:  Well, I'll see you all bright and early tomorrow, won't I?  Oh, I'm so excited!  You all have a great night now!  You've all earned it!
(Curtains close)

Scene 2--The Store
(Curtains open.  In the middle of the stage is a shelf.  On the shelf, among assorted bits, stands a crystal-blue duck. One of the men from the meeting, Francis, enters on the left, looks around, and spots the statue.  Another man, Walden, enters on the other side, doing the same thing.  Both men walk briskly to the middle and grab the duck.)

Francis: Hey!  Hands off, sir!  I believe I had it first!
Walden:  No, I had it first.  Hands off to you, too!
Francis: Wait...your voice sounds familiar...Walden, is that you?
Walden: Francis?  What are you doing here?
Francis:  Same as you, I imagine.  Picking up a little present for the boss-man.
Walden:  Well, that's a shame.  Because I found it first.
Francis: Really?  Are we really going to fight about this?
Walden: Yes.  We are.  Because I found it first.
Francis: Well, we can't both have it...pick a number between 1 and 10.  Whoever guesses the number gets the duck.
Walden: Why the hell would I agree to that!?  You already know the number!
Francis: (beat) Ah, you caught me.  How very clever of you...so we're just going to stand here all day playing tug-of-war over this thing?  I'm sure we both have much better things to do with our free time.
Walden: Speak for yourself. I'm not leaving without the duck.
Francis:  I'm sure the boss would settle for a gift card or something.  Come on, let go.
Walden: (Dryly) Yes, I'll get him a gift card. Because when the senile old goat finally decides to retire he'll definitely remember the man who sent him a gift card for his birthday.
Francis: Oh, so that's what this is about, huh?  Taking advantage of an old man's sentimentality for shameless self-promotion?  How very noble of you.
Walden: Don't act so high and mighty, Francis.  You're here for the same reason as me, and you know it.  I've seen the way you laugh at his jokes!  His terrible puns, his repulsive limericks, his god-forsaken excuse of a knock-knock--
Francis: (Interrupting) If you're about done telling me how much of a suck-up I am, could we please get back to the matter at hand?  My arm's getting tired.
Walden: So, how do you want to do this?  Maybe...rock, paper, scissors?
Francis: (Shrugs) Why not?
Walden: Best out of three?
Francis: Splendid idea.
(The two men let go of the duck and step out in front of the shelf.  They turn around and walk five paces from each other.  As they ready themselves, Charles enters.  He noiselessly approaches the duck statue, picks it up, and hurries off stage before Francis and Walden turn to face one another.  They begin their match, oblivious to the disappearance of the duck.  Francis wins the first round, Walden wins the second, and Francis wins the third.)
Francis: Good try, but you pick rock way too often for your own good.
Walden: (defeated) Shut up and take the damn thing.
Francis: (Triumphantly) It would be my pleasure.
(Francis approaches the shelf to find the statue gone.)
Francis: What the hell is this?
Walden: What?
Francis: It's gone!
Walden: What!?
Francis: The blue duck statue is gone, Walden, and I swear if I hear you say 'what' one more time I'll...(looking of stage)
Walden: Wha--
Francis: For the love of God, shut up! (Beat.) There's someone out there.
Walden: (Following Francis's gaze.) Wait...I think I recognize him.  That's Charles from accounting!  Wait...is he holding the--
Francis:  He's got my duck!  After him! (Francis starts to run, but notices Walden is still in place.) Aren't you coming?
Walden: Why would I help you?
Francis: Because when I get promoted, I'll be sure to reward the honest, hard-working individuals that helped me get there in the first place.  Do you think 'Charles from accounting' would do the same for you?
Walden: So let me get this straight...you're bribing me with money you don't have to get a statue that isn't technically yours yet so you can get be promoted to a job that you may or may not have a shot at in the first place?
Francis: Exactly! I knew you would get it eventually! Let's go!
Walden: (Dryly.) Please lead the way.
(Curtains close)

Scene 3--The Store
(Three shelves are placed on the stage, vertically in regards to the audience, creating several aisles.  The aisles are filled with common household items, and signs indicating sales are strewn throughout.  Hung over the top is a sign reading "Have yourself a happy time here at HappyMart!" with a smiley-face displayed next to it.  Charles is on the far right, looking at various items.  Francis and Walden enter from the left, Francis in the lead quietly inching forward and Walden trying to reciprocate his movements but failing.  They crouch beside one of the aisles.  Francis holds his hand out to Walden to stop.)
Walden: What? Do you see him?
Francis: (Whispers) Walden, your fascination with the use of the "W" word amazes me. No, I don't see him, but I thought we should review a few things before we press onward. If you see Charles, don't make any sudden moves. If you let him know we're after him, we might as well walk out of the store now because he won the potato sack race at the company picnic. He may not look it, but the man's got the leg muscles of a velociraptor on steroids.
Walden:  (dryly) Velociraptor? Really?
Francis: Hush, Walden, I'm terrible with analogies, especially on such short notice. You get my point. Stealth is our friend. No sudden movements. No loud noises. Understood?
(Theodore enters from the right in a HappyMart T-shirt with a sash reading "Grin Patrol" prominently displayed on his chest. He is grinning from ear to ear, and he walks with a light march.  He approaches Charles.)
Theodore: Greetings HappyMart shopper! Can I be of assistance?
Charles: (Without looking up) No thank you, muchacho.
Theodore: Okay! Have yourself a happy time! (Theodore continues across the stage.)
Walden: Oh great, one of those people.
Francis: What do you have against the Grin Patrol? I thought everyone liked the Grin Patrol.
Walden: They freak the hell out of me. It takes a special kind of nutcase to walk around the store spouting lines of--
Theodore: (Loudly) Greetings HappyMart shopper! Can I be of assistance?
Walden: Go away.
Francis: Walden, that's terribly rude! Sorry Mr...
Theodore: My name's Theodore!
Francis: Sorry, Mr. Theodore, we're just a bit busy right now. We've had a long day.
Theodore: You need to turn those frowns upside-down!
Walden: Make me.
Theodore: Sounds like somebody needs a free ticket to the puppy room! (He pulls out a ticket and holds it out to Walden. Walden stares at it for several moments before Francis finally takes it for him.)
Francis: He'll meet you there.
Theodore: Okay! Have yourself a happy time! (Theodore marches offstage.)
Walden: Good riddance, freak.
Francis: Walden, you really need to lighten up.
Walden: Let's focus on getting the statue and leave my personal attitude to myself. Where it belongs.
Francis: Well, if you're going to act like that, you stay here and I'll scout out ahead.
(Francis peaks around the corner and ducks into the next aisle. Charles remains on the far end.  Francis reaches the end of the aisle, turns, and ducks into the next aisle. He runs to the end of the aisle, turns, and runs headfirst into Charles, who yells and drops the duck statue he had hidden under his arm. Francis dives for it and catches it before it crashes to the floor. Both men sigh in relief.)
Charles: Nice catch, man! Wait...Francis? Oh hell.
Francis: Hah! It's mine!
Charles: I would keep your voice down, man. There's a lot of negative vibes in this place. Not everyone's having a happy time.
Walden: Francis, we've got the statue! Let's get to the checkout line!
Francis: Hah! Thought you could just sneak out of here without the statue, Charles? Thought you could outsmart me? You were wrong! Accept the oddly salty taste of defeat!
Charles: (Shrugs) Okay, man. You win. You took it from me fair and square.
(Pamela runs in from the left stage, kicks Francis in the stomach, grabs the statue and runs offstage. Walden looks on in total shock while Francis looks as if he's about to cry.)
Charles: And she took it from you fair and square. I tried to warn you, man. I tried to warn you. The whole gang's here. Pamela, George, Greg, Sherry, Samantha, Clarence...I tried to warn you. They all want that duck thingy. Well, I'm off to the puppy room for some rest and relaxation. All this emotion and negativity is getting me down.
(Charles leaves.)
Walden: Francis? (Francis doesn't respond.) Hey, Francis! (Francis looks up at him.) Look, I think it's time we just gave up on the duck statue. I lost. You lost. Charles lost. Let's just go home before everyone does something they'll regret.
(Walden holds his hand out to Francis, who takes it and pulls himself to his feet.)
Francis: Thank you, Walden. I have no idea where this sudden change of heart came from, but your concern is greatly appreciated.
Walden: So we're going to go home and avoid the risk of serious jail time?
Francis: No, my dear Walden. I'm afraid the feeling of Pamela's foot in my gut awakened a beast within me. I must see this through.
Walden: Francis, it's not worth it. Let everyone else fight over the duck. It's just a cheap piece of crap anyway. It had a made-in-China sticker on the bottom and everything. The boss probably wouldn't even like it.
Francis: It's not about the duck, Walden...it was never about the duck. It's about a sense of pride. It's about going that extra mile to stand above the rest. It's about giving it your all to make sure you don't follow in your father's footsteps and become a garbage collector in New Jersey!
Walden: What?
Francis: Dammit, Walden, what did I say about that word!
(Yelling and several crashes are heard in the background.)
Francis: That's our cue, Walden! We must make our stand! For honor and glory!
Walden: Are you insane?
Francis: TO BATTLE! (Francis charges offstage.)
Walden: ...I'm going to take that as a yes. (Walden jogs after Francis.)
(Curtains close.)

Scene 4--The Store
(Yelling and crashing is heard. The curtains open to an empty stage, with the HappyMart sign proudly displayed in the background. Walden slowly enters from the right and looks around. He ducks as a frozen chicken is thrown over his head. Greg enters from the left pursued closely by Francis, who is wielding a skillet like a sword and wearing a pot as a helmet. Francis spots Walden and gives up his chase.)
Francis: Walden! Where on Earth have you been?
Walden: What the hell is this!?
Francis: It's a bloody Battle Royale! What does it look like? Want to play? You find the person who's got the statue, and then you chase them around until somebody else gets the statue! Then it starts all over again! It's a lot of fun.
Walden: (dryly) I bet.
(George runs onstage with the statue in hand.  Pamela follows behind with a frozen chicken.)
Francis: Well, that's my cue! See you soon! (Francis follows Pamela and George offstage.)
Walden: (He sighs.) What did I get myself into?
(Theodore enters, smiling brightly.)
Walden: As if things couldn't get any worse...
Theodore: Greetings, Walden! Can I be of assistance?
Walden: How do you know my name?
Theodore: Turn that frown upside down!
Walden: Go to Hell.
Theodore: Sounds like somebody needs a free ticket to the--(Walden punches Theodore in the face. Theodore staggers.) Have...Yourself...a...happy... (Theodore collapses to the floor as Francis enters, now holding the statue and being chased by Pamela, Greg, and George.)
Francis: That's the spirit, Walden! Keep up the good work! (The group exits the stage.)
Walden: Wow. I feel much better now. Thank you, Theodore! (Theodore groans in pain.)
(The statue is thrown from offstage. Walden catches it out of reflex, and then realizes the connotations of holding the object.  He looks around, horrified.)
Francis: (Offstage) Run, Walden! Run!
(Curtains close)

Scene 5--Store Security Room
(Three uniformed security guards are sitting around a monitor. The stage lights are dimmed.)
Security Guard #1: See, Chester? This is what I was telling you about.
Security Guard #3: I don't get it...what exactly is going on here?
Security Guard #1: Jim, give him the rundown.
Security Guard #2: Sure thing! See, from what I've gathered, they all work at the same office, right?
Security Guard #3: Okay...
Security Guard #2: And it's their boss's birthday.
Security Guard #3: Right...
Security Guard #2: And they all want to give him the same gift, so they're fighting over this dinky little blue thing-a-ma-bobber.
Security Guard #3: ...And we're not going to stop it?
Security Guard #2: (He snorts.) Are you kidding? This is better than cable!
(The Head security Guard enters. The other guards tense up.)
Head Security Guard: What's going on here? I've been trying to page you for twenty minutes! We've got a situation in the toy aisle. Get over there ASAP! (He exits.)
Security Guard #1: Well, you heard the man.
Security Guard #2: Just when it was getting good, too. Please tell me we can get a copy of this.
Security Guard #1: In this day and age, of course we can! I assure you, this is going up on YouTube tonight.
Security Guard #2: Great! Now that that's settled, let's lay down the law!

Scene 6--The Store
(Several aisles are set up, as in scene 3, this time full of assorted toys. Francis and Walden enter, out of breath.)
Walden: I think we lost them.
Francis: You may be right. Good show!
Walden: Why do you talk like that?
Francis: (Confused) Talk like what, Walden?
Walden: That accent.
Francis: What accent? I assure you, I have no idea what in blazes you are talking about.
Walden: Well, it's not really an accent. You just have a peculiar way of talking. When I'm around you, I feel like part of a Monty Python sketch.
Francis: Oh...that. Well, when I was young I had a rather disturbing fascination with British television. As a result, I watched BBC America almost exclusively for several years. I picked up several...habits that I still can't seem to break. The bullies had a field day with it back in high school. I've been going to a therapist every Thursday for the past fifteen years. Fat load of good that's done me. Sorry if it bothers you.
Walden: (Imitating Francis's speech) It did at first, but as the day goes on I find myself becoming rather accustomed to it.
Francis: (Smiling) Well, I am very pleased to hear that. But that's enough talk for now.  We're almost to the checkout line. We'll talk more once this business is behind us.
(Yelling is heard in the distance.)
Francis: Oh, bloody hell!
Walden: They're coming! We've got to go now!
Francis: No, we'll never make it. Go on without me.
Walden: I'm not just going to leave you here!
Francis: It's okay. I can handle it. Someone has to make the sacrifice.
Walden: Then let it be me.
Francis: Fine. If you want to know the truth, I forgot my wallet at home.
Walden: (Angrily) You what!?
Francis: Again with that word...
Walden: And when, exactly, did you realize this?
Francis: About the time I won the third game of rock paper scissors.
Walden: Is that why you made me come along for this?
Francis: Well...yes.
Walden: So if I'm leaving you behind, what's stopping me from keeping the statue for myself?
Francis: Nothing, really. In fact, I figured you would. The statue is yours.
Walden: Huh?
Francis: What a great expression of surprise! See? A little variety never hurt anyone!
Walden: You're giving this to me?
Francis: Yes, I am! Hope the senile old goat gives you the promotion. It couldn't go to a better man.
Walden: Francis...
Francis: Well, we're out of time. (Francis grabs a toy sword from the shelf of toys and takes a readying stance.) See you tomorrow. Bring some coffee to my cubicle. I don't know if I'll be in the shape to get my own after I'm through with this.
Walden: Francis...
Francis: For God's sake boy, move!
Walden: Francis...
Francis: What!?
Walden: Those aren't the others...
Security Guard #1: (Offstage) HappyMart Security! Stay where you are!
(Curtains close)

Scene 7--The Office
(The curtains open.  All twelve coworkers and the boss are seated around a table.  The motivational poster is still visible on the back wall.  Everyone but the boss and Charles are in bandages.  Some are moaning in pain.)
Boss: (Cheerfully) Well, hello, everyone!  It's so nice to see you this morning! (Everyone mumbles a greeting.)  Oh, that's not the spirit!  What is with all of the frowns today?  That's okay, I won't let them get to me...because I'm in a great mood!
(The boss stands, exits, and returns holding a blue duck statue.  Everyone perks up, staring at the statue with shock.)
Boss: Isn't it amazing!  My wife gave it to me this morning for my birthday!  (The coworkers look around at each other in surprise.)I love it so much!  It brings back so many memories.  (The coworkers' surprised reactions turn to anger.)  My father was a sculptor and... (Everyone stands up and shuffles to the door except for Charles, Francis, and Walden.) ...wait, where is everybody going?  (He chases out after them.  Charles lies back in his chair, falling asleep. Francis and Walden are essentially left alone in the room.)
Francis: It was a crazy night, wasn't it?
Walden:  Oh, you can say that again...I still have bruises from the frozen chicken Pamela threw at me.
Francis: The woman has a fine throwing arm, doesn't she?  She got me, too.  Broke one of my cuticles clean off.
Walden: (His eyes widen in surprise.) What did she break off now?
Francis: My cuticle. (He holds up his hand, showing off a bandaged finger.) What on earth did you think I said?
Walden: Well...doesn't matter.  I don't want to ever set foot in that store again.  Too many bad memories.  I don't think I can ever look at HappyMart the same again.
Francis:  According to security, you're getting your wish.  All of us were banned for life on account of 'Unhappy Behavior and General Disorderly Conduct' or what-have-you.
Walden: I'm perfectly okay with that. I never really liked the store anyway.
Francis: I think you're missing the point. I'm sure there's a moral to be learned from all of this.
Walden: I'm sure there is, but I'm not in the mood for a moral right now.
Francis: Are you in the mood for some sushi?  It's on me.
Walden: (Beat.) Well, alright. If you insist...
(The two men leave.  The lights dim. A spotlight illuminates the COOPORATION sign in the background for several seconds before the curtains close.)
(The End.)