Love It or List It

1,000 words

Deleted scenes from HGTV’s Love It or List It

I installed closed-circuit recording devices when they said we’d be on the show. I told KP that it was faked, nobody would really put up with that crap, she didn’t believe me. I knew I had to prove she was being naïve, and/or delusional.

Characters:

HGTV - HF, Hilary Farr, a woman who will promise anything, and deliver nothing.

HGTV - DV, David Visenton, a man who has no concept that “budget” and “neighborhood” don’t mean any old definition he wants to assign.

Homeowner - KP, Karen, a wife who wants things at home to be functional, without moving out of a dysfunctional house.

Homeowner - MP, Mickey Pfinn, a man without illusions, who can prove he‘s right.

Day One - we meet HF and DV.

MP:

For me to stay in the house, we would need a gourmet kitchen, I’m a chef, I don’t need the sizes we have at work, but I do need the quality.

We need a master bathroom, I’m tired of being booted out of my space when some kid needs to pee.

I want a space where I can work at home, not on the dining room table, or the closet in the unfinished basement. Oh, yeah, add “finished basement”.

We’d like four bedrooms, so all three kids can have their own rooms.

We have a budget of $80 thousand, not a dime more. I won’t be able to retire until I’m 92, so stick to the budget!

KP:

If you want me to move, the new house has to have the gourmet kitchen, master bath and finished basement with an office, like Mickey insists he has to have, even though we’ve lived without any of that stuff just fine for nine years. The kids can share a room, too. See, Mickey, I can compromise.

We want the same neighborhood, this is where all our friends are, the kid’s school and their friends are here, too.

I also need a view, a lake view, maybe even lakefront, visible from all the windows.

MP:

You can’t have a view from all the windows unless we live on an island in the middle of a lake. No lake here has an island, and I’m sure as hell not paying to create one!

KP:

Well, I have to have a view, and lakefront, and a dock for the boat, so the kids can fish in the summer.

MP:

We don’t have a boat, we won’t be able to buy one if we get all the loony-tunes crap you’re asking for, and the kids refuse to go fishing now! Why would buying a lakefront property suddenly make them turn into little fishing fiends?

KP:

Well, anyway, our budget for the new house is $600 thousand, maybe $650.

MP:

No it isn’t! The budget is $575, and, at the very most, for the Taj Mahal, it could stretch to $600 thousand. And we’ll be eating Hamburger Helper without the hamburger for at least the next five years.

HF and DV promise to deliver it all, both of them.



Week one of the remodel, HF says no master bath, she’s re-roofing the house instead.

The same week DV shows us a house on a lake front, with a dock, gourmet kitchen, blah, blah, blah, but no master bath, and the kids would still have to share bedrooms, although the house does have a half bath in the unfinished section of the basement. It’s $621 thousand and in a new neighborhood.

KP:

This is the wrong neighborhood, and a different school district.

MP:

So we’re raising children who will never move out, and only accept a job if it’s around the corner from home? Never mind, the price is ludicrous.



Week three HF says we have to keep the kitchen the same, not even any new appliances because they didn’t apply for a permit to move wiring and plumbing. However, she will re-wire the whole house, without moving anything, because our wiring is not up to current code. Her foreman says the crew won’t work on the house anymore if it’s not done.

KP:

That will be nice, Mickey, now we can have the giant T.V. you want.

MP:

No, we can’t, there’s no money for it.

DV shows us a house in our neighborhood which is older than I am, we see water damage in every room except the entry. Only $633 thousand.



Week five HF says no office, no finished basement because the furnace needs to be replaced.

MP:

Why?

HF:

It’s past it’s life expectancy.

MP:

Is it broken?

HF:

No, but it could fail at any moment.

MP:

Leave it alone. It ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

HF:

We already replaced it. You’re going to love it.

MP:

Oh, I bet you’d know, what’s the difference between psychopath and sociopath?



Week seven HF declares no fourth bedroom, but she’s re-papered and painted the entire damn house baby crap yellow, except for my eldest daughter’s room. She bought all new linens for the new bedroom décor.

The eldest, 14, says not only does she hate pink, ruffles, and canopy beds, she’s moving to grandma‘s house, who, oddly enough, lives 51 miles away from this precious neighborhood.

I deleted the scenes of the younger girl, seven, and the boy, five, talking about their rooms. I didn’t even know they knew those words.

DV shows us a house with none of what we want, and it’s $695 thousand.

MP: (whispering to KP in the backyard)

These people are both insane. Now we’re out $80 thousand, and the house is worse than before.

KP:

We have to give HF a chance.

MP:

Jeezuz Pete, they’ve infected you!

Week nine the house is ruined. We’re dead broke. KP is talking about separating, but we can’t support two households. The houses we found on-line have sold, there’s nothing we can afford left.

So, “I’m going to torch your house” was a threat, but justifiable!