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Rated: 13+ · Assignment · Comedy · #1999344
My take on a writing prompt by just_ralls.
Prompt:  You can only shop at three places for the rest of your life.  What three do

you choose?

I want to say "Thank You" to "just_ralls" for sharing something that is special to you with me.

To set the stage, if I were limited to only shopping at three places for the rest of my life, I would have to survive on my wits and possibly the charity of others.  People that really know me, know that Im a little paticular about a couple of trivial things in my life. First off, I have animals.  Well, more correctly, I have pets and livestock.  Secondly, I have a thing for socks.  Ok, I hear whispering from the back of the room.  No,I dont have a fetish for silk or fish net stockings. (well, not that Im aware of anyway, maybe I havent met the right woman...)  Along that line, Im sure as heck not wearing them myself.  When I say socks, I mean mens Gold Toe socks.  Socks that you can wear more than three times before they meet their maker.  Any way, they feel good and are cushy.  Please scratch the cushy comment.  Some statements like that may get my Man Card revoked.  The third thing to understand about me is I am picky about the milk I drink.  I like Braums milk, its the next best thing to fresh squeezed.  I would hate to use one of my shopping places just for milk but.....wait, I have to by feed for the animals so I could buy feed for a milk cow.  Hey, you two in the back of the room, they are properlly called udders not tits.  If you want good milk, your gonna give'em a squeeze too.  Thats how life works here in the big city.   

Lets see, where was I, Oh yeah, stores I can shop in.  My first choice would be the Stillwater Agri Center, in Stillwater, OK.  I could cover all the basics of animal feed, farm and ranch supplies and animal medical supplies and vaccines.  I can get gates, barbwire wooden posts, metal T-posts and a number of other supplies there.  As far as the clothes I choose to wear, I buy all my Wrangler jeans there, some of my boots, some shirts, work coats, winter gear and wild rags.  Yes, I do were wild rags in the winter.  Yes, they are made of silk.  No, my momma didn't sew ruffles on my undies.  If you two idiots on the back row have any other comments, please share them with the whole class. The Agri Center is also mindful of a married mans needs.  Before the main female holidays, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, etc.  they stock items that some farm women would consider thoughtful such as work gloves in smaller sizes, Cruel Girl jeans and shirts.  Some Montana Silver jewelery if you forgot to get something the previous year or two.  Please ladies, dont look so surprised.  I swear we love yall everyday not just on certain days.  Wouldnt you know it, the two hecklers in the back of the room are quiet as church mice.  That just tells you that they are out with their wives.  Thats my story and Im stickin' to it.

That takes care of feed, ranch supplies, clothing and emergency day of the event gifts.  Next store will, at first, seem like a wasted pick.  T. J. Maxx.

Before anyone starts a petition to take my Man Card, hear me out.  You know earlier, I mentioned my thing for Gold Toe socks.  I can go to most every TJM and get superior quality socks for the price of crappy socks at Wal-Mart.  I admit that I hoard socks.  If you take my advice and got to TJM's and there are no Gold Toes socks on the shelf, that is because I or one of my minions have been there.  T.J. Maxx also has great values on my favorite hair care products.  No, I have never had a horse stop short and ask me what I use in my hair.  I do have a thing for Bain de Terre shampoos, conditioners and other products.  While my back row buddies are dying laughing, I will also admit I get my soap and shower gel there too.  Yes, I do buy the liters, they last longer.  Another advantage to TJM's is the fact that they usually have a great selection of good quality coffees and teas.  I have purchased Wustoff kitchens knives, three very high quality non-stick skillets and a number of other houseware items.  Yes, I do own an oil mister for skillets and the grill. Is there a doctor in the house, one of my buddys in the back is having shortness of breath.  TJM also has a variety of mens clothing.  I very rarely look at the clothes here because my "ace in the hole" is the Agri Center for clothes.

TJ Maxx takes care of socks, soap, hair care, coffee and will fill in the gaps on my wardrobe.  Next is the unavoidable one.  As badly as I hate to admit it, give me Wal-Mart.

Mankind need to eat, mankind needs to poop, mankind thus needs Wal-Mart.  How many times do you have to run into Wal-Mart after two boxes of mac and cheese, a box of jello and toilet paper.  Nobodys laughing now.  Yes, sometimes we have to suck it up and go to Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart fills the rest of the gaps in my life.  You have your fresh food, your canned food, your basics and your pizza rolls.  While your there, you pick up a new journal to write in, underwear, a watch battery, vaccuum cleaner and breath mints.  You need drugs, they got your drugs.  You need a lawn mower, there they are.  Baby food, hell no.  I shant bore you with details ot the many more things that Wal-Mart sells.  They do offer one thing that most people over look.  You can sit by the door and people watch for hours.  Some days its like a free ticket to the freak show at the carnival.  I personally have seen more public nudity at Wal-Mart than any other place I have been.  Please mothers, dont let me offend you.  I think that if I mother wants to commit to breastfeeding, that is a wonderful gift from God and you should be commended.  If you do it in Wal-Mart with both lunch pails out, thats a little different.  You have the right to wear the style of clothing you want, as long as you are covered.  However, if I can read the last line of your tattoo, that aint being covered.  Ladies, you have the right to wear the kind of underwear you want, but please, keep that between you and your significant other.  I have been tempted to go to the restroom and use hand soap in my eyes to wash away the memories.

Sorry I got a little un-tracked there.  Between the Agri Center, T.J. Maxx and Wal-Mart, I think I could survive... until my Verizon phone crapped out or......

Thanks for your time.  I hope you got a smile out of this. 
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