Me, right now

I shouldn't be scared. I shouldn't be laying here with every part of me clenched as tightly as possible, trying to suppress the actual physical pain shooting through me right now. I really shouldn't. But what can I do? I know everything is fine. Nothing bad is happening to me right now, but the waves of nausea tell me otherwise. It's a panic attack, one of many I've had in the past two years. My fear is public speaking. I know it's different for everybody, but that's mine. The mere thought of it makes me want to vomit. Let me get something straight; I've never actually vomited or gotten sick on stage or anything before. This fear of mine is completely irrational and unjustified. That just makes it all the more terrifying to me. I've gotten over it before. I put all my trust in God, let him take all my fears away. And for about a month, that worked perfectly. I don't remember what happened but one day it just fell apart. I started having panic attacks like never before. They wouldn't start until about 12 a.m, when everyone else was asleep. Then I would run to the bathroom, hurling my guts out, crying, shivering on the bathroom floor until 4 in the morning. On school nights. Once I did it 3 nights straight on a school week and I was dead tired every day. But I couldn't stop it. I would try and think about anything, everything else, but those black thoughts kept rolling in. I would feel the bile rising, the physical jolt of fear shoot through me, and I knew it was going to be one of those nights. I decided to write this all down, in attempt to calm myself, and I have to say it works quite well. I feel much better, and I haven't actually thrown up for a couple months now. It's just the nausea that gets me now. Well, goodnight. I'll write more later.