My Annual Physical Exam

I always feel like a burglar when I try to sneak back into my own house without Amy noticing. But as usual, she heard me walk through the door. I knew I should've taken my shoes off and now here she comes... Damn, I just wanted to go straight to the shower.

“Bill, is that you? You’re home late. Did you get to see the new docto—um, why are you soaked in sweat?" Her demeanor instantly changing into something I didn't want to deal with.

I’ve been married to Amy for over ten years, so she could already tell something was wrong.

“Look, I know when you're having a bad day, so just spit it out.”

“I don’t think you wanna know.”

“I do. So tell me already.”

“Okay fine, I warned you." No sense in arguing about it now.

Amy gave me that look she always did and crossed her arms.

“It started when I went to see the new doctor. As soon as I got there they asked me to wear a mask.”

She squinted her eyes. “A mask? What do you mean a mask?”

“Yeah, a freaking mask.”

“Like a Halloween mask?”

“Yup, apparently the new doc has some kind of phobia when it comes to meeting new people. He can’t stand to see new faces, so he has them wear these ridiculous looking masks. His nurse takes pictures of us before we put it on.”

“What’s the pics for?”

“The nurse said the doc takes the pictures home and stares at them, so he can get used to seeing our faces. It’s some sort of work around the phobia or some crazy thing like that.”

“So which mask did you have?"

"Well, when I got there the waiting room was filled with mostly men, so all the male characters were taken. I had to use..."

I tried to walk away, but my curious wife had to follow me.

"Sorry, didn't hear you, so which one did you use?"

"Alice... I had to use Alice."

"Alice? Like, as in Wonderland Alice?" Her eyebrows pushing ever more closely towards the center of her face.

"Yeah, that's the one."

Her nostrils started to flare. She was on the verge of—

“Yeah, and that was only just the start of it.” I had to interrupt her, because I just didn't want to hear it.

"Wait, wait, what?" Her eyes came big.

Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have said that. Now she’ll definitely want to know more.

“You better tell me more,” she said looking at me with those huge round eyes.

Now I had no choice but to tell her everything. I just wanted to take a shower for crying out loud.

“Okay, well here it goes. So after taking my picture I was escorted to the examination room. I waited for the doc to come in. The door slowly opened and a man came in and introduced himself.”

“Hello, are we ready for your annual physical exam?” he asked.

“Yes, Doctor. I am.”

He had on a grey tee-shirt and black jeans and seemed kinda fidgety.

“How old are you, sir?”

“I'm thirty-six years old.”

He looked at me and grinned. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

“Sir, please remove your pants and underwear,” he asked.

“Um, what kinda exam are you going to perform on me?”

“Why a prostate exam of course,” he said joyfully.

Guess I had no choice. He was the doc after all. He turned around as I disrobed. I could see his sausage-like fingers, they were gigantic. Two of my fingers could equal one of his. This was not good. I had to stay calm.

I positioned myself on the examiner’s table as he grabbed some lube.

“Okay sir, looks like we’re done here. The tissue paper is to your right and when you’re done cleaning up please come to the front desk to schedule a follow up exam.”

I didn't even acknowledge what he said. I turned around and went straight for the tissue paper as he walked out, closing the door behind him.

I grabbed a few tissues when the door swung open again. Startling the crap out of me. It was another man but, this time he wore a collared shirt and white lab coat. I didn’t even get a chance to put my clothes back on. Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?

“Good morning sir. I am Dr. Harris,” he said while closing the door behind him. "Ohh, Alice I see...good choice."

He just stood there looking at me while holding his clip board. I was speechless… and very naked.

“Ahh, looks like Mr. Alice is over anxious to get his exam done today. I love the dedication to your health sir.”

“Um, what is going on Doc?”

“What’s going on you ask? Well, I am going to give you your prostate exam of course” he said while putting on his rubber gloves. "Hmm, looks like someone left the lube out."

“Um, Doc… I just got my exam.”

He tilted his head and looked at me with confusion. “What do you mean? I haven't seen an Alice yet.”

“Doc, there was another doctor here that already examined me.” I was getting even more nervous.

“Sir, I am the only doctor at this clinic.”

“Well who the heck was that other guy then?”

“Sir, please calm down.”

“To hell with this. I’m outta here.”

I immediately put my clothes on, left the clinic and headed straight for my car—but that's when I realized that I didn’t drive there. I rode the bus because I didn’t want to drive in traffic.

“Great.”

I started walking to the bus stop. But I felt something really weird, so I stopped.

“Dammit, I forgot to wipe up all this lube.”

Squish, squish, squish in the middle of my bum. Soaked right through to my jeans. I couldn’t ride the bus like this. So I decided to walk all the way home.

And that’s pretty much what happened.

Amy looked like she was about to burst into tears—tears of laughter. I turned around and headed for the shower.

After drying myself off I went to the fridge and grabbed a cold beer.

“Honey quick, come over here,” I could heard her voice down the hallway.

"Okay hold on, I'm coming"

She was sitting on the couch watching the news.

“Here listen to this,” she said while turning the volume up.

“Local Late Breaking News. There has been numerous reports of a man impersonating doctors in our area. Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a grey tee-shirt and black jeans…”

Amy went silent as I turned to look at her. Her lips quivering, holding it back.

“Go ahead already. I know you wanna,” I said sarcastically.

She let out the loudest laugh I’ve ever heard her do. The neighbor's dogs started barking.

I couldn’t take it anymore. So I broke down and started laughing with her as she hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear.

“Now don't forget to schedule next year's physical exam at the Wonderland Clinic, Mr. Alice.”

~END~

[WC 1,192]