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Rated: E · Monologue · Comedy · #2134170
Funny Story
Weathering The Storm

Seeing the forecast a few weeks ago, it looked like Irma was going to be a pain in the ass for at least one branch of the family, Forecasters had the proverbial "cone" (not one of silence, BTW) either curling up before it got to Florida, or directly INTO Florida, and with my parents living about midway between Tampa and Ft Myer......it appeared to be a worry for either them or us, and what was good for them, bad for us, and vice versa. 
Of course, Mom, my sister and I spent the next weeks bantering about plans and possibilities, and all had our own "expert" opinion on path and course and eventual severity of this little bump in life. 
It wasn't until mid week, this past week, that the ultimate seriousness of what might happen became apparent, and my sister and I began our requisite inquiry into my parents' plans to evade their demise.
"Are you leaving"?
"Where are you going"?
"You have gas"?
"You have water"?
"What about Lily"? (the dog)
The answers:
"Not leaving"
"Hotels all full.....we looked at Georgia, but....no pets" (I'm pretty sure she called one hotel and they said they were full.....so there.......sigh)
"Yes.....I just went to the store" (I think she probably bought a single case of water)
"She's why we can't leave"
Wednesday became Thursday and the worry became a bit more, but, hey....they're adults, right?
Problem is, my Mom....... I really don't think she understood the whole real deal, so I want to relate some of the convoluted and oddball conversations.
The first was about the "mandatory" evacuation imposed for the "Zone A" residents of their county. Mom couldn't remember how she knew, but she knew they were Zone C and fully clear of any flooding or evacuation issues, so that excused them from needing to consider leaving. I did some quick research on FEMA flood zones to find it pretty complicated to interpret and could only find one that had A, AE, AG, AH, VE designations. THAT one had Mom's address in the Zone AE area by about 6 feet (literally......they're on a canal) so I didn't think it at all possible she had anything that would show them 3rd on any list for evacuation. Besides, I thought, THIS is really for mobile, healthy, young people (like ME) who could actually run away from a wave or something, NOT 80 year old rolly walker people (like THEM). Anyway.....the whole Zone A....Zone C (AE) was only separated by feet on the map.....it seemed so crazy (but I guess you've got to leave somebody behind to say you did?). Bottom line.....her logic seemed totally screwed up that she thought they were "SAFE"? because the map said they could stay.........WTF?
The second was the trash can story..........
I spent some time testing her to remind her to fill buckets, pails, the bathtub, etc. for flushing and/or cleaning water.
Mom is cool with all that, but responds with, "The Venice worker guy told me to put a trash can out to collect rain water".
Uhhhhh, yeah, Mom.........and that trash can will stay right there in the driveway in a 120MPH wind, right?
"He told me to put a couple of bricks in it, dummy".
Wellok then........that solves THAT problem.....(eyeroll)
But the best one (well, maybe the trash can was the best one, but this is good too). My sister and I, by Friday, were really laying it on for them to either start driving (I wasn't all in on this.....it was too late) or get to a shelter. Mom and Dad aren't hearing it.....at all. WE finally asked if any neighbors were staying and were told that, yes.......most of them were, except the "bimbo next door who left all her plastic furniture out and a chaise lounge in the driveway that I dragged to the curb and the trash men took it, and Sue on the corner".
"What are you going to do if the roof blows off your house"? (trying to scare them)
"We can go to Sue's if that happens" (I really have no idea why they thought that would work, but the next part is priceless)
"Mom, it's going to be blowing at like 120MPH with 10" of rain....how are you and Dad, in his walker, going to GET to Sue's house 2 houses away"?
Oh God.......

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