recently updated my blog including my computer rants, and travelog pieces on Korea
I have had a love-hate relationship with computers and with Microsoft for years. I often plead with my computer to just do what it is supposed to do rather than screwing up, giving me endless error messages and in general Fucking with my head.
So, about a year ago, I started writing these poetic rants down and sending them to Microsoft. They have not yet responded.
Here then are my Microsoft rants for your pleasure.
Dear Microsoft - Why I Left You
I have left you for good. I wanted to let you know why in vain hopes that you will finally take the time to fix the many problems plaguing your software. But since you never respond to my emails and your on line forums are not that helpful I doubt it will make a difference.
I left because your products are so full of bugs and errors that I has become increasingly hard to tolerate. They have always been problematic but for some reason it has gotten worst.
I left because Excel was becoming so unreliable that I could not stand using it any more.
I shifted to Google docs and have had no problems at all. The docs work every time and has some features that are better than Excel including for example the ability to add or delete multiple rows or columns rather than having to do it one row or column at a time.
Excel has consistently given me three different annoying errors. First, every fifth or sixth entry I encounter an error saying that there is a circular reference. When I clicked help it suggested that I inspect the cells to find the error and remove it but when I tried to search for it I could not locate the error and realized that I would have to manually inspect each cell, a prospect that would take hours to accomplished and I don't have hours to spare. I tried copying everything into a fresh new document that did not work. The error still occurred. I opened a brand new document and with in seconds the error popped up despite the fact that I had not entered more than two cells and there was no circular references anywhere.
Well, this has been a chronic but annoying error. But it was not the reason I left.
The reason I left is that about two months ago, when I tried to import some data into Excel I encountered an error message saying that no more fonts could be applied. Then I had to press okay and the error would repeat, until it would go away after ten or twenty times of pressing okay. Once I pressed okay 400 times before giving up.
I frequently had to reboot my entire computer to solve the problem.
And of course that meant that my work would be lost because the auto save button is always grayed out and has never worked once.
Another problem is that Excel would frequently go into Not respond mode. Sometimes I would have to close the spreadsheet and re-open it.
Whenever I open excel for the first time, I will often get five to ten versions at once and I will then have to manually remove each open file.
I have also had problems with Word. Word also opens multiple versions whenever I open it for the first time. Some times, it takes twenty minutes to open and clear out the multiple versions.
Microsoft word also randomly not responds just like Excel.
And Word also sometimes fails to save documents. The auto save button has never worked.
One week I kept track of all the errors I was having and calculated that Microsoft Word had a 60% error rate and Excel a 50% error rate meaning that 60 percent of the time when I opened Word I encountered an error minor or major.
Finally, Microsoft dictation does not work. Usually I have to click windows H shortcut five to ten times to get a stable connection. And then when I do the dictation program provides gibberish for every other word. If I am lucky I may get a sentence or two in clear text.
It is hardly worth using and I have given up on it. But on the other hand it has led to many delicious found poems which I have shared with her and posted on my blog.
So, for these reasons, I am finally giving up on you.
I would love to receive a response but won't hold my breath.
Microsoft How I Hate You
published in Lotus Eaters Magazine
<a href="https://lotuseatermagazine.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/lotus_eater_mag_issue_61.pdf" rel="noopener" target="_blank">lotus eater magazine</a>
For thirty years I have had the Microsoft blues
For thirty years I have had a love hate relationship
With my damn computer
I love it when it works as it advertised
I love it when the internet is fast and furious
I love it when my emails work
My Itunes work and my word works
But all too often
All I get is grief
It starts with the error messages
Written in a strange haiku like language
That only computer geeks understand
General Failure reading disk drive
Begs the question who is this General Failure
And why is he reading my disk drive anyway?
Or my favorite
"Not responding" as the computer freezes up
For no apparent reason
Other than to fuck with my head
Sometimes my computer can't find a printer
A printer that is connected to the computer
And one that they found five minutes ago
And the dreaded blue screen of death
That appears randomly
Dumping memory somewhere
And killing my computer slowly
As I watch in real time
Powerless to stop
How it eats all my work
That I have failed to back up
One day I counted how many times
I ran into computer errors
70 percent of the time when I open Microsoft
Something goes wrong
Sometimes I want to shoot my computer
Put it out of its misery
As I curse up a blue storm
The computer looks at me
With an evil grin
It continues to fuck with my head
Nothing but silence from it
And all the other computers in the world
They smile knowing that they have tortured me
Computer Blues (revised)
Sometimes I think
My computer is plotting against me
And only me
Trying deliberately to drive me mad
My computer knows when I am busy
Then it throws a hissy fit
Refuses to boot up
Looses data that it had the day before
Or five minutes before
Or refuses to save the data
Just fucks with me
As it loves toying with me
Making me yell and scream
At my damn computer screen
Cursing up a blue stream of blue curses
As the blue screen of death
Marches across the dark blue screen
Smiling at me
As I beg it
To do what
it is supposed to do
Just once I beg it
Do what you are supposed to
Open the document once
Not twenty times
Do not not respond
In endless loops of opening
Not responding refusing to close
Until I respond to the error code
Please Mr. Computer
Quit playing games
Play my music
Don't wipe out the sound
On the fifth attempt to play music
Don't take an half hour to load Microsoft products
Don't freeze up on opening ITUNES or Groove or Spotify
Don't give me computer haiku error messages
That only make sense to computer geeks
Such as general error reading files
Who the ***** is this damn general
And why is NSA reading my files
Or can't save the file
Or can't save the an open file
When it just did ten times in a role
And in Microsoft excel
Refusing to move the cursor
Just freezing in place for a moment
And all the other gobblygook messages
That pop up every five minutes it seems
As the computer slowly drives me mad
Flashing the final insult
User driven mad