Something

         There is always a time when we decide things just aren't right anymore, that what we are doing now doesn't make us happy. I always see people walking around without a care in the world and wonder how their lives are going, probably better than mine, but then I think of the people who's lives are worse. How can I complain. Anyway, my name is Roni.
         I was walking to work today and I suddenly realized it was the weekend and I will be stuck doing extra work. Groaning with disappointment I started writing down on a piece of paper balanced on my palm the items I would need to prep so I wouldn't die trying to start my shift. Avocado, radish, cucumber, mushrooms... I mumbled while walking up to the restaurant.
         "Hey, Roni", said Greg
         "Hi, Greg", I replied
         I've never been much for talking and saying hi is more than enough for the day, but Greg is a manager and I would look like a dick if I didn't at least respond, plus I needed clocked in because it took me longer to get here than usual.
         "Do you think you could clock me in, Greg, it's only like two minutes after." I said
         "Well, of course I can, but I do have to write it down in the book, you know how it is, right?" He said
         "Sure, Greg"
         It looks like Greg is being his usual self today, I better make sure I do everything right today or I'll never hear the end of it. Pat, Farla, and Eli are our other managers, they are ok. Pat is fair, Farla is actually our General Manager, and Eli is just someone who somehow got hired even though he is really slow and doesn't catch on to anything. I remember when he started out, the first week he shadowed me in the salad bar and tried to help me during a rush, which was fine, but he hindered me more than helped; He dropped ice on the floor twice making cocktails, the sauces were always messy, using wrong plates, etc.. I understand it was his first week, but I was already on edge, why make it worse for me during a rush?
         I walked to the back and grabbed my apron and hairnets while dodging the trays full of dirty dishes, screaming chefs, and loud clanking of plates being thrown into the pit.
         I sighed when I reached the back of my station where I needed to check the prep work that has been done and what hasn't, which is usually a lot.
         "Angel, have you finished any of the prep?" I asked.
         "I finish this, this, and this." She said while pointing at the paper.
         "OK, where do you want me today, here or there?" I asked.
         "You do prep, I do this."
         "Alright, do you need anything from produce before I get started?"
         "Um...no, it's OK."
         I walked to the back again and crossed out the three pastas that Angel said she made and started on the next priorities, which was shrimp and hummus. I got a bucket of soap and cleaned the kettle and started pouring in the water. The shrimp was frozen so I placed them in a strainer and ran cold water over them while heating the kettle and putting seasonings in such at lemon juice and spices that are pre-bought. Once the shrimp were defrosted I cooked them and put them in the cooler. The shrimp took thirty minutes to complete (mainly to defrosting), and I was able to finish three more tasks before Angel had to leave and I had to take over the salad station.
         The salad bar looked like shit. I had to run back and forth trying to complete the tickets that Angel left to try and catch up so I can asses what I need to stock up on. After about thirty minutes I finally had only two tickets and a little wiggle room to get more lettuce, extra sauces, dressing, and garnish before another rush starts flowing in.
         I am in about three hours now and I have had two salads come back, one because of a hair and the other due to there being too much dressing, so I got a little backed up for a minute, but recovered quickly.
         "Hey, Roni, I need a house salad with Ranch." Said Chris.
         "You know the rules man, I need a ticket to make it." I said.
         "I'm gonna ring it in, I promise." Chris replied.
         "I can make it when I get the ticket." I firmly said.
         "Can you make it, I'll go ring it in now." He said.
         "Yes, just ring it in next time, before you come here." I said.
         " I know." He said.
         Sometimes servers irritate me, but I know for sure that I make them just at irritable. I have to cover my ass, or I could get in trouble; once I gave one of the servers a sample of Ceviche sauce, and chef came around and kind of yelled at me. It is OK, I'm not that smart sometimes, none of us are. I just get embarrassed and think about why I would do stupid things. My anxiety keeps my mind on all of my screw ups, not a moment of peace passes where I cannot think about something I had done to get yelled at. I really am trying, but lately it has gotten so much worse and I am terrified of having a panic attack at home or at work. Each day is another reality.
         I finished the remaining prep work after Maria and Sarah showed up to take over and started cleaning the upstairs kitchen area which is relatively easy to finish. I picked everything off of the floor, wrapped the bread, wiped off the tables, swept the floor to the best of my ability, and moped. After I had finished everything I realized there was a delivery in the dry room so I had to open all of the boxes and put everything away, and then I broke down the boxes and took them downstairs by the back door. I went back upstairs and swept the floor in the dry room. I didn't mop. I only mop the dry room if it needs it.
         Downstairs I organized the cooler behind the salad station, covered, and labeled everything. I did the same for upstairs and went to my kitchen manager to ask if they needed anything else done before I took off.
         "Hey, Mitch, do you need anything else done before I leave?" I asked
         "Did you clean upstairs?" he asked
         " Yes, I cleaned upstairs, labeled everything upstairs and downstairs, finished prep, and organized the cooler." I replied
         "Um...What time are you scheduled for?" he asked
         "I am scheduled for eight."I said.
         "OK, you can go." He said.
         "Are you sure?" I asked.
         He nodded, and I turned around and walked to the dish pit to take off my apron and hairnet.
         "You leaving?" asked Turner, a server.
         "Uh...yea." I said.
         "Huh, have fun I guess." He said.
         OK, I'm not one for caring but I cant understand some people. I walked to the host stand and clocked out on one of the computers and started heading home. I am starving, so when I get close to home I go into the grocery store to get one of the sandwiches that they make that is overly price like everything else in the store. After I get my sandwich I walk one block more and get into my apartment where I immediately take four Melatonin and a shower. I got out of the shower I turn on the TV and eat my sandwich until I fall asleep.
         That's it; my usual day of annoying encounters and work. I know what you are thinking. "I'm sure there is worse days out there," or "That day wasn't that bad," but to me a day like that isn't really worth all of that trouble. Each day should be filled with love, happiness, and just the feeling of wanting that day to never end. We only understand that everyday needs to be hard or else you didn't put in enough effort, but really it should be about our well being mentally and physically.
         I woke up after a full night of work on Sunday which was the same crap as Friday, minus Ace refusing to let me go home at my scheduled time, but I eventually left. Today is "get my room clean day." So, I went to the local grocery store and got quarters from the counter, and walked around a little bit to find some food. Eventually I settled with some ramen and made my way back home.
          When I got back home I took the laundry downstairs and started a load. I went back upstairs and sat around until I remembered I was supposed to be cleaning. I got the broom and dust pan, cleaned the floors, and wiped off the tables. After I finished cleaning I walked downstairs and put the laundry in the dryer and waited, when they were done I took them upstairs and put them away.
         When all of the priorities are finished I sit on my bed and get depressed, eventually I cant deal with it, so I take some melatonin and force myself to go to sleep, but my anxiety piped up and I couldn't sleep. My heart felt like it was trying to burst out of me and walk away, and my face turned white. I couldn't stop it anymore. I turned on soothing music from my phone, but it did not help me anymore. I couldn't believe it, I was having a panic attack and I was alone.
         "Breath, Roni, don't let this beat you."
         No matter what I did or said, it was a raging fire inside me and I couldn't take it anymore. Before I feinted or something, I managed to walk myself to the hospital.
         When I got to the hospital I asked them to make sure it wasn't anything physical and just to talk to me so I could calm down. "Please, reassure me that it was just my mind messing with me."
         "Don't worry, everything is going to be OK."
         "Thank you."
         A few doctors came in and said they needed blood and to put some stickers on me to check my heart. I agreed, but they wanted to do it at the same time and that made my anxiety shoot all the way up.
         "Um.. no." I said shakily.
         "Why, I can't check to see if something is wrong with you without blood." She said.
         "I need this one at a time." I replied
         "It's ok, we'll wait" the nurse said.
          I looked over to the doctor who was rolling her eyes and nodded. I let them take the test on my chest and then let the nurse take my blood in my best looking vein because of bad experiences. Later I also had an x-ray to be safe. Might as well since I'm going to be charged over a thousand for this anyway.
         I waited a while in the room alone depressed because I gave in and now I will have a large bill come in and I won't be able to pay it for a long time. They said I was fine and gave me a one time prescription for Hydroxyzine and I went home. I wasn't very happy because I didn't believe it would work well, but at least for now my anxiety is down. When I got home I cried a bit, but who really cares anymore.
         Each day is the same unending state of depression and anxiety, sometimes the anxiety isn't as fierce , but the depression remains as strong and consuming as before.
         Today, is the day that I can no longer stand my life. I do not enjoy anything anymore. Each step is painful and I can no longer stand.
         I woke up and remembered last night. I called my boss and told him I couldn't come in today that I was unwell.
         "Are you dying?" He asked
         "No, I'm in pain." I said
         "Hmm, alright, but if I can't find a replacement I'm going to have to call you back." he said
         I hung up. I laid there and stared at the ceiling for a good three hours before I turned on the TV and got up. I don't know what to do anymore.