by Jin Ryan
Something for the new love
|You try harder when you are not enough. You are always one step behind when you are not enough and so you stretch yourself into shapes youre not meant to be in just so that maybe, possibly you can reach that goal. Sometimes you never reach it.
I want to touch you and I am afraid to, because I worry that if I do I will not stop and it will be too much.
I want to tell you that when you talk to me I feel like you are holding me pinned to a wall with your hand on my chin and you are staring me dead in the eyes
and I am trying so hard to maintain eye contact.
I want to tell you that eye contact is hard. So hard for me. So the fact that I would force myself to maintain it with you is akin to forcing myself over the side of a mountain without a parachute.
I want to tell you that mostly you are guarded and I understand it. That mostly you are careful what you say and how you answer and I would like to think it is because you are not in a position to say things like that to me yet.
I am afraid it is because you do not feel those things
I need you to understand that this is not a phase or a secret or something I will ever push on you, it is a hope I cannot be certain I can allow myself
It is a hope I think you think you aren’t allowed.
I want to say that I crave your touch. That I have fallen asleep nights with skin heated to near boiling by the thought of your hands on me.
I want to say that this is insensible and unrealistic and unlike me in ways I cannot explain and I don’t even care
Presume. Please presume. Because you’re right and I can’t say it. I write the words that bring me to my figurative knees and I can’t get my point across.
I want to say that I am not much
I am anxiety fueled by caffeine
I am waves of worry fueled by bone deep care
I am small and fucking mighty in ways that matter to no one but me
And I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you until you can’t breathe until you realize that it’s been nearly a year
you don’t even mean to bring me to my knees
But you bring me to my knees.