Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2207155-The-Daily-Wire-Oxygen-Deficiency
by Terry
Rated: 13+ · Other · Comedy · #2207155
A satirical parody of a Daily Wire article.
The Daily Wire: Oxygen Deficiency

         In October, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) announced that global oxygen levels have dropped significantly in the past decade and has advised the UN to declare a state of emergency. A NOAA spokesperson made the following announcement: "Our planet's lifeforms face a threat of unmatched proportions. This sudden drop in oxygen level, coupled with the increase in temperature and carbon emissions in the air, has the capability to end human life on Earth. If we do not act now, we will perish from this world." NOAA is officially currently investigating the root cause of the drop; however many NOAA scientists claim they "have a pretty good idea of why [this is happening]."
         Major scholars claim otherwise. "This catastrophic event can only be blamed on one group: the Millennials," reads a statement published by Dr. Shapiro, a graduate of and professor of Hebrew Studies at PragerU. "Their excessive laughter at idiotic so called 'Internet Memes' has sucked away our precious air supply, and we must fight to reclaim it. The only way to do that is to increase oil production and redirect funds from social services to the military."
          Shortly after Dr. Shapiro's statement was published, a Peruvian scientist frantically released her own statement, claiming that climate change is to blame and that if humans want to continue to survive on this planet, we need to reduce the use of fossil fuels and "stop [her] neighbors from the continued burning of the Amazon," which she claims is an issue of top priority.
         A very small number of scientists around the world, only roughly 98% of all scholars, agree with the Peruvian's theory, and that the cause of the decline is due to the "massive hole in the ozone layer" and the burning of the Amazon rainforest. However, this group is an outlier in the scientific community. Just like the theory of evolution, this current theory is also likely faulty and will be proved incorrect in the upcoming years. The US Government rightfully rejects the outliers' notion, opting instead to take PragerU's advice.
         President Trump is expected to hold a press conference later this week, followed by an emergency UN assembly, to discuss the matter. Many nations from the recent Climate Action Summit are expected to arrive in New York once again, most in their private jets. China has announced yet again that they will not be participating. No comment has been made by any leaders on their choice of vehicle.
         At 4:17 PM local D.C. time, US and global communities were met with another surprise statement: "With the advice of a very great and smart individual, I am announcing that all 'Memes' are now and forever banned from the internet," tweeted US President Donald Trump shortly after a visit by Daily Wire lobbyists. "This is only the beginning of our fight against the corrupt and terrible leftist Millennials!" We believe the advisor in question is our very own Professor Shapiro, though this is yet to be confirmed or denied. White House officials have remained silent on the matter, while Trump's top advisors claim none of them were contacted before his decision.

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