stream of consciousness for when you know it's all over
|I feel like I have got myself trapped in a circle again. Funny, lopsided circles because I can’t remember my walk home from school but I remember that I felt exactly this shitty last year. You would think I am smarter now. I wonder if it is really smart to know exactly what is happening but watch it happen anyways. I comfort myself that I know every step ahead, but what is the route worth when I know we are leading straight to a brick wall. Experience is worth nothing if I am still just as trusting, still sewing my heart to someone else’s sleeve.
Maybe I am destined to go mad, spend my life tripping on the same potholes that I know are there and walking into the same walls I see coming. There is no point in having a smoke alarm if you stay in the burning house and let it ring.
It is easiest to lie on the beach and let life wash over you. But it isn’t washing over you, it is smashing you hard in the chest and sand is in your eyes but why did you not see the double red flags Charlie? The lifeguards are not watching. You should have been watching.
Can you not see the walls of water? Of course your eyes are shut now, full of sand. But the walls have always been there. I know this is not your first time on this beach.
I know you’ll be okay. Your eyes will clear, you will lick your wounds for a week or a month or a year or two, and you’ll be okay. But the walls will always be there, waiting for us, waiting for next time we lie back down on the sand.