Battling the inner feelings towards one while committed to another
|Those green eyes. |
I would often times catch them watching me.
There was something about him that kept drawing me in, he was a comfortable presence. Even with us just standing side by side in silence I was always at ease.
I often times wondered what it would've been like had I met him first. I was everything he was looking for in a wife. I was a God fearing woman on fire for the lord that had a passion for serving in the church. I was the worship leader. he was the associate pastor. I worked in his ministry with the youth and was in his young adults class. The funny thing is he is only 3 years older than me. We have so much in common and are so much alike.
But I was married already.
He knew this too.
But why was he always watching me?
Those Green eyes.
When he preaches at the pulpit, he engages with the crowd and scans the room. His eyes always met with mine and he would hold my gaze for a few additional seconds.
I didn't feel lust towards him per se. It wasn't love either. Just an odd attraction towards him. I longed for his company. I didn't want to touch him.
The weight of the gold band on my hand held me back an like a welded chain I could never explore that horizon. I could never pursue this odd feeling I had towards him. All I could do was watch from afar.
He did the same. Always acknowledging the invisible boundaries already branded before him.
Why is it so hard to get him off my mind? Why did I want to know more about him? Why am I struggling so hard to keep my distance? The only physical contact we had was a handshake. That was it. One time.
The feeling in the pit of my stomach is almost painful. It's the constant questions that strangled my mind.
What if something happened to my husband? How long would it take him to pursue me? Would he even want me and all my baggage? Could I even move on that fast? Would we have to keep things secret for a while? What exactly was God's purpose putting him in my life when I was perfectly happy in my marriage?
I have two damn near perfect men. There is no " Good guy/ Bad guy" in this scenario. There was also no way this would end well if my current situation changed. it would ruin both of our careers in the church.
Those damn green eyes.
Just the very fact I have to look up at him to meet that gaze. It would be too obvious up close. We watch each other from afar. I'm constantly catching him watching me.
What does he see in me? Why does he always give me such a big, breathtaking smile? Why is he so happy to see me?
I'm dying to know how he feels, dying to know his thoughts.
But I can't.
I can never know what is behind those Green Eyes.