GOD Answered Me

GOD Answered Me

         When my mother died, I had to learn how to forgive her for her erratic and damaging parenting methods.  I thought if I could just do that, my life would be better.  So, I worked on it.

          I discovered that her journey looked a lot like mine.  She was never taught to be a strong viable person.  Instead, she was used and abused by the people who were supposed to prepare her for adulthood.  She didn't know how to be a good parent; she treated my siblings and I as she was taught. Her parenting skills were disastrous, but I clung to the fact that we had one good parent, my father.

         So, I did, finally, forgive her and waited for my life to be less angst-ridden.  It didn't. I still had the same anxieties, the same destructive choices, the same lack of self-value.  I could not explain this to myself.  She was gone, I had forgiven her, understanding why she made bad choices. Why wasn't I better?

         While I was adjusting to this, my father paid me a visit. He told me the reason for his visit was to inform me, he had picked me to be his caregiver as he grew older.  He listed all the reasons why he didn't pick any of my other siblings; my sister's household was too complicated and he didn't care for her husband; one brother's house was too small and he didn't like his wife; my other brother's household was too far away and too loud.  I remember thinking at the time, 'Goody, he picked me.' He left, thinking he'd made a reasonable decision and I was grateful he had picked me, momentarily, as it turned out.

         The first of many nightmares started floating into my sleep that night as forgotten memories; flying dreams, putting me just out of reach of someone.  Another nightmare was hovering in the top corner of my childhood bedroom, looking down at someone who was sitting on my bed, doing I didn't know what.  Then, slowly, I began remembering disturbing incidents as I was growing up.  I remembered thinking I was uncomfortable around my father, anticipating what he was going to do.  His behaviors were always subtle; sitting beside me on the couch, holding my hand in his lap, pretending I didn't notice my hand was on his penis; telling me while I was breastfeeding my youngest that my mother let him taste her milk; always feeling I should be fully dressed around him, etc  Why didn't I see this before?  Were my mother's actions so loud that I couldn't see?  At the time, I couldn't realize these actions as unacceptable.  The final nightmare was seeing his face as he bent over me in my bed.  My good parent had been the worst parent.

         When the realization of his sexual abuse hit me, I was devastated. Everything I thought was true wasn't. It was like I was hanging in mid-air with no supports. I think I might have gone a little crazy, trying to figure this all out.  It was the bottom of my life.  I didn't know how to recover, how to still hope for a peaceful life; how to make good choices for myself, if I could ever connect with anyone.  I remembered thinking, "Help me, Help me" over and over again. I wasn't exactly shouting to GOD.  I didn't know GOD.  HE had not been in my life.

         But HE heard my cries for help, and little by little, HE made my life begin again.  When I realized I could depend on HIM, I knew that was the help I wanted.  I began trusting HIM.  HE became my conscience and, slowly, I learn to listen.  It was a long long road, but once HE started easing me, I knew HIS help would heal me.  HE and I began to clean up my life
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         Many years later, my life has become peaceful, still not perfect, but I am so grateful for my life now.  I still have occasional days of depression, blaming myself for all the destruction. But all I have to do is to ask HIM to lighten me, and HE lifts me out of that mindset. Truly amazing

I can't change my past, but HE has changed my future.

I am not an alcoholic, or a prostitute, or a drug user, Thanks to GOD.
I have a life, Thanks to GOD.
I have love and comfort, Thanks to GOD.
I have peace and tranquility, Thanks to GOD.
I am useful and kind and forgiving, Thanks to GOD.
I'm not dead, Thanks to GOD.

AMEN

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