Tiny aliens threaten to invade Earth
|Prompt ▼ |
"You talking to me?" I must be nuts, the throw pillow is talking. There's a hidden speaker in this thing somewhere.
"Easy, buddy! Don't squeeze! That hurts. Listen, do that again and I'll fry you with my ray-gun."
"Why am I talking to a pillow?" I wonder if I can get an appointment with a shrink this late.
"Look, I had to hide somewhere, okay? If you could see what I really look like, your eyeballs would shrivel and drop out. You'd climb the ceiling mewling in terror. I'm an extraterrestrial life-form. You're being invaded. Get it?"
"Now you're talking sense. Listen, I gotta problem and I need your help."
"Right. I'm an advance scout for the invasion and I got stranded on this backwoods planet cuz my ship ran out of fuel."
"Ship, uh, fuel?"
"I know, rookie mistake, embarrassing, but it happened. You know where I can get a few millilitres each of LOX and see-aitch-four?"
"Lox? You eat bagels?"
"No, dummy. Liquid oxygen. Methane. Chemical rocket fuel so I can leave this shithole planet and report back to the invasion fleet."
"You don't like earth?"
"Well, I'm sure that to you earthlings it's gorgeous but to us it's too hot, has a poisonous atmosphere, and stinks like a waste receiver."
"Yeah, climate change, and the pollution index is up. And smoke from the forest fires is..."
"Like I said, a shithole. Now are you going to help or should I just fry you and find somebody else?"
"You're kind of obnoxious. Didn't your mother teach you courtesy?"
"What mother? We're a hive species. We're a million years more advanced than you hicks. You barely have enough tech to produce rocket fuel. Can you help or do I fry your brain?"
"Obnoxious, arrogant, and discourteous. When I get your stuff, where will I put it?"
"Look out the window. The ship's on the grass. You get the goods, I'll fuel it up."
"It looks like a toy."
"You think every intelligent species wastes air and food like you monsters? We little guys rule most of the universe. And we're taking over here. Got it?"
"Yes, of course. I have what you need in the garden shed. May I carry you out?"
"Now you're catching on. You may. Gently. Or fry."
"Okay, here's the bottle of liquid oxygen. Almost a full litre."
"It says BBQ Starter."
"I had to reuse the container. Now I'm going to put you down on the grass by your ship while I get the methane. Okay?"
"Okay. Hey, why are you pouring the lox on me? Fry, earthling! Aiiieeeee"
Man that stuff burns hot. Aw, the little ship is all scorched.
"Jeff, what the hell are you doing burning my throw pillow? And that toy rocket ship?"
"Would you believe, Charlotte my darling, that I just saved Earth from an extraterrestrial invasion?"
"No. But I'd believe you had a few too many martinis."
"Not nearly enough. Let's go have one now."