by Dave Ryan
Peter goes to visit a friend.
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Once upon a time there was a little piglet called Peter.
(Yes, Lisa, piglets can be called Peter. No, John, his name was not Porky. It was Peter. Now let's get on with the story.)
Well, one day Peter was off to visit his friend Bertie the bunny.
(Yes, John, what is it now? Well, why shouldn't a piglet have a bunny friend? No, it is NOT silly, it's nice. No Jennifer, his friend wasn't an elephant - now that would be silly. How many elephants do you see in the countryside? Oh all right, he has an elephant friend in Africa. Yes Brian, I suppose his name might be Eric. Eric the elephant. But today he's going to visit Bertie the bunny. Now sit, quietly, children.)
Anyway, Peter had a present for Bertie - a nice basket full of chocolates.
(What is it now, John? Well, why shouldn't a bunny rabbit like chocolate? Everyone likes chocolate. I don't know where he got it from, Lisa - perhaps he bought it with his pocket money. Yes, he does have pockets - he's wearing a nice pair of blue trousers. Yes, John, with a hole at the back for his curly tail. Don't encourage him, Mary - it's not that funny.)
Anyway, suddenly he found his path blocked by a white picket fence. It was the garden belonging to the farmer's wife, Mrs McGregor, and she didn't like the farm animals in her garden, as they trampled the flowers and she was very fond of her tulips.
(Brian. Brian! Don't pull Lisa's hair. It's not nice. Now you come sit over here instead and listen to the story. No, it's not boring at all. All the other children are enjoying it and you're spoiling it for everyone.)
All of a sudden it started to rain.
"Oh no," squealed Peter, "now all the chocolates will be spoiled!"
(Settle down, children. It is NOT funny! Peter's very upset that his present will be ruined. Yes, I suppose he should have brought an umbrella, Mary, but it was a nice sunny day when he set out. Now how could he have checked the weather forecast, John? No, he doesn't have a smartphone - piglets don't know how to use smartphones. No, Derek, I don't know how he speaks to his friend Eric the elephant in Africa - maybe they write letters. Oh, John, what now? Yes, he can write - he's a very clever piglet. No, not clever enough to use a smartphone though. Now children...children..settle down now...settle down. SETTLE DOWN! Now if you don't sit quietly, I won't finish the story.)
Well, as the rain went pitter-patter...
(All right, that's quite enough. Everybody go back to your desks. We're not going to have a story today. I hope you're pleased with yourself, young man!)