Deficit

I’m like a Siamese fighting fish
watch me flare at my reflection
I’m not the only one
we all live in aquariums
but I need chemical perfection

let the wasted days build up
like insect corpses in fluorescent lights
my synapses are spider webs
funnel-woven terror threads
maybe I’ll brew coffee after midnight

mornings are gray and pallid
I cannot escape the cold
why did I become like this
why the fuck do I exist
this dopamine reuptake’s getting old

caffeine tripping, cafe drifting,
can’t focus on the faces of my friends
just thrash in honeyed day-mares
the lacunae of my cares
and neon cascades that never end

shivering between sheets like waves
maybe methylphenidate’s a start
if I’m crashing on nothing
what is anything if not everything
I’m scared of the DayGlo in the dark