Why I Love You

THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS


PROLOGUE


After I was raped in November 2013, I decided that maybe dating wasn’t for me. I’m ace and I misread the entire situation—my ace brain didn’t know that “going home” could be sexual. Although I was drugged and it was planned, and had nothing to do with my aceness or frankly me in general, but I still thought it was not appropriate for my ace ass to date. Yes, I blamed myself for the rape, even though I shouldn’t have. It was never my fault, but I felt so stupid.

Brandon almost killed me on 7 November 2013. I did get a second chance at life and I wanted to live my life to its fullest. I travelled, I met people, I didn’t miss out on much. However, I did this all on my own. I didn’t want a partner to experience this with, as I couldn’t trust many people. While I did have friends, they were just starting their lives and had their own to live. I became the master solo traveler.

However, most of the solo traveling didn’t begin until I had a full-time job. I remember when I got my first Montgomery County job with the Controller’s Office. I was ecstatic because I wanted a County job badly—pay may not have been great, but their benefits are. I had a steep learning curve with account’s receivable and I thought I was catching on pretty quickly. I had no idea that I would be fired in the three weeks after I started, so I booked a trip to Toronto, Canada. I wanted to go to Canada when I tried to move to Detroit in 2014, and towards the end of 2015 I would realize my goal of going to Canada. I thought December in Toronto would be gorgeous.

Sadly, I was let go from the Controller’s Office and Montgomery County on 26 October 2015. I was blindsided. Amanda called me into the office, then told Stuart Greenleaf that I was too creative for accounts receivable. I was terminated and I was stunned. I was in a daze and even though I collected most stuff, I forgot some stuff. I had to cancel my trip to Toronto.

A month later I started at Reimbursement Technologies, Inc. (RTI) and while I turned them down in March 2015, I reluctantly accepted their offer on 13 November 2015. I was 26 and didn’t have insurance. I needed insurance and I needed a full-time job. I started RTI on 30 November 2015 and the beginning should have told me how the next five and a half years were to go. My phone wouldn’t turn on and I had to get a new phone.

I decided to plan for Toronto, Canada and I would go in April. I loved the Blue Jays and I could see a home opener, that could be fun. I made reservations in February 2016. My first solo trip outside of the United States was simple enough. In April 2016, I went to Toronto and surprisingly, the voices I heard throughout college: “don’t you have friends? Why do you like travelling by yourself?” didn’t flood my mind. Then again, after all the ignorant comments after my rape, I wasn’t listening to many people anymore. Even before my rape, there was a lot of independence travelling alone.

As soon as I touched down in Toronto and had my Passport stamped, I embarked on a three-day adventure. I had a blast at the Toronto Blue Jays game and even met a new friend. Michelle and her husband, Corey. I still keep in touch with Michelle and Corey. I also met up with Moe, who I met on the Counsel of Ex-Muslims online. Although I didn’t consider it a date at the time, looking back at that cold, blustering April day in downtown Toronto, I definitely had a date with Moe. We went to 360, which was at the top of the tower and had a nice lunch. We went sight-seeing after that. There were a few snafus, however. Moe had to go to the bathroom and sort of got lost. I didn’t buy an international data plan and WiFi was spotty in 360. I couldn’t get hold of him and when I asked a security guard, he said, “that is beyond my problem. That is a personal matter.” I eventually caught up with him.

I was hoping to move to Canada and Moe supposedly started to like me. I liked him a little too, but in October 2017 when I was denied permanent residency in Canada because RTI didn’t sign the letter I needed to submit to the Canadian government showing I had job experience in the United States and could get a job in Canada when I became a permanent resident, I was livid. I was also having major health issues and probably wouldn’t have gotten accepted anyway. I fell into a deep depression, I really wanted to start a new life in Canada.

Moe divulged a dark secret to me at the end of November 2017. The reason why he was starting to develop feelings for me was because I am petite and my voice is girl-like. Moe is a pedophile and he was wanted in Saudi Arabia. His dad was also a Canadian citizen and that is why he was in Canada while his family was in Saudi Arabia. He wanted me to get my breasts removed and shave my pubic area, so he could date someone who resembled a child. I blocked him and never unblocked him. It was too sinister and creepy.

I moved on, but I had no choice since I had a health scare with my liver. This was in November 2017 and that was the point in this health journey when Dr. V referred me to a gastro. 2018 was a year of tests, where I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. Once I went gluten-free, my liver normalized. I also planned to get out of RTI, even though it would take until a year into the pandemic to actualize that one. I also travelled more, since travelling was a stress relief to me.

Around this time, guys showed interest in me. I turned them down and continued to do so until 2020. Before the start of the pandemic in 2020, in 2019 I met Devon. Devon approached me as I was waiting for the train in September 2019.

On 27 September 2019, counseling came to an end. Through the William Way Center, I was given eight sessions and last night was my eighth session.

During Pride in June, I took an HIV test and I shared with the guy testing me about my experience. I never had relations with someone after, but because of the circumstances, I wanted to make sure. I was fine; he recommended the Center and I said, “it’s been 5.5 years. Is it too late?” He said, “it’s never too late to talk someone and get the help you need.” I started on 26 July 2019 (almost two months after the test) and when I walked through the red door, I felt overwhelmed and sad. I had a lot going on and I was ready to talk.

Since I started the Happiness Box Project for mental health reasons, I am not ashamed to share my story. I’m proud to say that in the two months since talking to Mitch, I am a brand new Jessica. While there’s still healing to do, I grew and I’m proud of myself. I can finally say to myself, “What happened to me is not my fault. Given the person I was six years ago, I didn’t have the insight to know better, and honestly, given what I know now with hindsight, it couldn’t have been prevented. I forgive myself as much as I forgive his ghost.” I also embraced my feelings because there are still moments where I do cry and get upset, and that is okay. It is better to feel those feelings than hold them in. They may never go away and it is what it is. I accept all aspects of myself and I am not going to deny my feelings or stories.
I’m very proud of myself and I love myself. I was jubilant yesterday and I shared my wonderful stories about saying “no” and placing boundaries. This was my first time in a long while where I felt 100% proud of myself and confident enough that I will be comfortable with this in the future. While I know there might be some struggles, I am confident to know I can say no and place boundaries.

In fact, I had my first test last night, a few hours after my session. Savage is done; my first impression was right and although I gave him a second chance, I was on watch. On Thursday, he asked me for $4 for the train because he spent it on a costume. I gave it to him and I saw him pay the conductor. However, I said to myself, acting on my past experiences, “I need to watch him. I have to make sure that this doesn’t become a habit.” Lo and behold, he asked me for money again last night… to the tune of $160. He was in trouble and you know what my wonderful self texted him. “No, I don’t have that kind of money.” After a lot of guilt trips, I said, “Nope. You need to make better choices. Savage, you need better friends who won’t get you in trouble. No. I am not giving you money. Also, I’m not speaking from meanness, but caring kindness. ” I blocked him too. If I see him on Monday and he asks, I will say, “No. Not my monkeys, not my circus.” And walk away. It’s true; I am not responsible for him and I do not want to get involved. In the past, I always tried to be a saint and help. Honestly, it is not my place to help. The person needs to come to a realization that they need help and need to ask for help themselves. I am very proud of myself and I am actually crying tears of joy that I found it in my spirit to say no. I’m an empath and I think he sensed that; although I am an empath, I didn’t really pay mind to the guilt (surprisingly).

It bears repeating, as it kept coming up in the sessions: I am a strong and resilient person. I have coping skills and once I take a deep breath, look within, and listen to my soul, I know the way. I have bounced back from adversity.

Mitch was happy, he liked working with me, and I can return in a year. I want to and I told him that in the interim, I want to join in events at the William Way Center because after my sessions, I always joined in some of events they were having. I didn’t stay very long, but for the few I stayed for, I met a lot of nice people and liked mingling. I also want to give back and I want to join the community. Mitch smiled and said, “you’re more than welcome to. We have events listed online.”

As this journey continues, I am reminded of the Andrew Solomone TED talk I shared a few weeks ago. I’ve been listening to it nonstop and he mentioned this Bible verse that I keep repeating in my mind: “for when I am weak, then I am strong.” In fact, I want to close this entry with that 2 Corinthians verse:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Merry-go-sorry: an experience that elicits both joy and sorrow.

It was a merry-go-sorry week and while most of the time I hope for the best, there are some people and situations that you just have to put your hands up and say, “I care; apparently you don’t and I can’t care for someone who doesn’t care for themselves like that. I love myself too much to get involved. I will pray for you, but I never want to see you again.” This is going to take a lot…

As I’m sure you all noticed, I’ve been listening to a lot of TED talks. I’m going to girl up and I am going to defend myself. Whatever doesnt serve me, I’m not allowing in my life. I love myself too much to do that and I’m still a kind person; I’m guarding not only my heart, but my life too. He is also causing me a lot of anxiety and I’ve been having nightmares lately. The more I think about how scared I am, there’s a reason and I’m listening to my intuition.
I think we can all use this reminder. Women are strong and powerful; we should build each other up and protect one another. I also think speaking up to people who do not honour our feelings deserve to be told off too.
So, yes, Savage will stay in my Happiness Box and how I am handling it is too, I am proud of myself.

On this day, on Thursday, 16 August 2012, I went to a tailgate party before the Packers game. I tend to be shy, but during this time period I worked on my shyness and talked to people I met on my travels. Jared volunteered for this one game and his energy, oh my goodness, it caught my attention and I thought, “after this game is over, I have to chat with him!”

He seemed nice and after he won that game since he got the most signatures, I went up to him and asked if he would take a picture with me. Kate, his girlfriend at the time was with him, then we got a group photos. Then other people I chatted with earlier joined in. Of course. After the photos, Jared and I started talking, exchanged Facebook information, and here we are 8 years later.

After Jared posted our story on his page, Kate and I connected on Instagram. Jared and Kate broke up six years ago, but they’re still cordial. She messaged me and said, “I’m so glad that you and Jared still talk and good friends. I live in Asbury Park now and we have to make plans to catch up some time, I would love to see you!” I agreed, so Kate and I are in touch now.



I started my trip early on Friday morning. SEPTA was virtually empty and when I arrived at the Greyhound Bus Station on Filbert Street in Philadelphia, I had to order my NJ Transit bus ticket from the machine. I’m glad I only bought a one-way ticket because when I got onto the bus going to Asbury Park, the driver told me to keep my ticket and use it to come home. NJ Transit is honouring all tickets for the entire summer. That saved me $22.50 coming back home! What a lucky day.

I’m thankful for my friends today. So-and-So blocked me on Instagram and at first I was sad, but after reaching out to some friends and chatting for a bit, why should I be? This is a blessing and honestly, this should have ended a few weeks ago. I showed some weakness, but because of my strength, I paid attention and listened. My inner voice was screaming at me and it protected me.

I was going to girl up, but frankly, So-and-So scares me and I don’t really want anything to do with them. I blocked them on Instagram and I blocked the number again. I’ll just avoid and count my lucky stars.

As I was riding the bus to Asbury Park, I switched on Amazon music.


I arrived in Asbury Park at 11:15 am, checked into my Air BNB at noon, and was greeted by an adorable Husky and a cute gray cat that reminded me of my aunt’s old cat. They were both friendly and became my new furry friends during my stay.

My lucky day kept getting better! Once I arrived at Belmar Beach, I didn’t notice anyone at the badge booth, I asked the boardwalk patrol guys if the shack was still opened and they told me the beach was free today! Friday was overcast, so I guess that is why they gave everyone a freebie! There weren’t a lot of people on the beach, but that is okay because I enjoyed the water. The waves were rough, and the rip current kept pulling me to the rocks. I had to keep mindful and kept swimming back to near where I was sitting.


I had fun swimming and diving under the waves for 4 hours and after, I decided to take photos of the beach. Since the beach wasn’t really that crowded, the seagulls were pests. They were going up to people, sitting on their towels, stealing foods, you name it. The young couple I was sitting near told me they had to chase the seagulls away from my towel because they were pulling it, looking for food. They may be pests, but they make decent photo subjects!


I walked back to my Air BNB; a half an hour and it was so hot. When I finally arrived, Michelle, my host, greeted me and we chatted. I realized she had another cat, Twigs. Twigs wasn’t as friendly as Roots, and after some smelling, he welcomed me.

Dinner at Barrio Costero and all the food except the churros were gluten-free. I ordered chips and guac, then shrimp tacos. Delicious! I went back to my Air BNB and fell asleep. I was wiped out from the travelling and beach afternoon. I noticed I was burned.

Saturday, woke up and ate breakfast. Twigs greeted me and had breakfast with me. I was so happy that he warmed up to me! I walked down to Belmar Beach and ordered a smoothie from Playa Bowls. I also bought a surf shirt to protect me from the sun. Since I was getting a tattoo on Sunday evening, I didn’t want to get sunburned even more. While I put on 100 SPF, with how rough the waves were on Friday, I didn’t want to chance it. I did bring a shirt, but I wanted something else for protection. Eastern Lines Surf Shopped helped me and I got a shirt that was 50 SPF. Between the sunscreen and the shirt, I was in the water for 7 hours and my body didn’t burn. Only my arms and face were red. Woohoo!



Saturday on Belmar Beach was fun and crowded. Full sun, heat and humidity, it drew a crowd. We were all able to socially distance, even in the water. The waves weren’t as rough, but I still enjoyed swimming and diving under them. I saw a crab swim by me and he hung out with me for five minutes before the waves took him further out to sea. That was a neat experience. I loved that. I also chatted with someone from Yardley and he was telling me the ocean was calmer than last week, last week the rip currents were extreme and pulling people out.


In photos the following photos, this family was camped out next to me. Their two year old just loved the water and didn’t want to stay on land. His energy was infectious and they were friendly to chat with.

The following photos are just the signs of the time:

After 7 hours in the water and the heat, I didn’t feel like walking back and ordered a Lyft. Got ready and at 5pm, I was off to Allaire State Park for Allaire Arts Alive. Allaire State Park reminded me of Valley Forge Park and the performers were amazing! It was a peaceful and serene evening. I ended the evening at Cavè Bistro in Avon-by-the-Sea. Another highly recommended place on Find Me Gluten Free and it was delicious. I experienced eating dinner at sunset and the experience was beautiful.




Sunday, I knew I couldn’t swim as long since it was Tattoo Evening. I went to Spring Lake and sadly, their daily passes were sold out. I went to Spring Lake with Taylor in 2012, we had such a great time and I wanted to go back. That’s the wealthy people beach (LOL!) and only had limited passes for COVID-19. I took a few boardwalk photos, then took Lyft to Belmar Beach. Bought a daily badge and swam for two hours. The waves were calm and even though it was an abbreviated day, it was still fun.





After, went to Playa Bowls, got my Mermaid smoothie and they made me apple juice. As I was waiting for Lyft, I was texting back and forth with Jared, trying to figure out where we were going to eat after my tattoo. All of the gluten-free places I suggested were booked, so I suggested Barrio Costero and our reservations were for 7pm. My appointment was from 5-6pm, but he wanted to make it a little later just in case.

Went back to my Air BNB and I hung out with Michelle for the rest of the day. I told her I was getting a tattoo and I also said, “I hope you don’t mind me hanging out. Usually, I would just go to Catsbury Park in Asbury Park, but since things are closed, it’s hard.” She said, “I don’t mind at all. Yeah, you don’t want to get burned before your tattoo.” We watched Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix, chatted and the cats hung out with us.

I’m glad Jared made the reservation for 7! After I was done my appointment, I walked down to Bangs Avenue and met Jared at Barrio Costero. Even though Calvin and Hobbes was covered, a little bit of the word bubble showed. Jared was impressed with Marz’s work. We had the waitress I had on Friday night and she was surprised to see me again, we laughed. I ordered the shrimp tacos again, Jared ordered pork and we split guac and chips. Jared ordered more shrimp tacos and we shared those.
Jared and I have been friends for 8 years, we met in 2012 at the Packers/Brown pre-season game in Green Bay, WI on 17 August 2012. We caught up in 2016 in Asbury Park, meant to catch up in 2018 and 2019, but schedules conflicted. Last night we were able to finally get together!

When we were first seated, Jared said to me, “you inspire me. I love how you just live life to the fullest, take photos and document everything. You’re not afraid to go anywhere alone and you have a wonderful sense of adventure.” He also admires how I document everything, how I capture memories and scrapbook them. He still has the first scrapbook I made him of his little girl (long story, but she lives in the Midwest and every time a photo was shared with him, he shared with me and I made him an album in 2018 for Christmas). I was speechless because sometimes I feel so self-conscious about my quirks. All I could do was happy cry and thank him.

After dinner, we drove down to Asbury Park beach and took photos along the beach and boardwalk. I’m so grateful to have him as a friend and it’s been an honour for the past 8 years. I just love the positivity and energy. It’s crazy that August will be 8 years since we met at the Packers/Browns game in Green Bay, WI.

Yesterday I decided to take a day trip to Atlantic City. It’s only an hour and a half by bus and I wanted to get one more beach day in before lifeguards are done for the summer. While summer doesn’t end until 23 September, Labor Day is the unofficial end to the summer in the Northeast and Midwest.
When I arrived, I was surprised that the beach was almost empty! I had someone take my photo in front of the ocean. One with the mask on, and one without. The mask has defined my beach going experience this year and it’ll be fun for the Happiness Box scrapbook.
The last time I was at this beach, on 25 May 2019, it was a day before I joined the Inked Club. The last time I was here, I was admiring all the tattooed people and dreaming of the day I would have one to show off.
Well, three later… I approached a tattooed young woman and I asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking a photo of my tattoos, since this was my first Atlantic City experience with them. She smiled, she understood perfectly. Yeah, my tats are still a big deal to me.
After an hour of swimming, I decided to take a break to get some photos with my Polaroid camera. Taking a photo with the Atlantic City boat is always a must. As I was waiting in line, two young women were taking photos of each other. I offered to take their group photo and they agreed. I also asked if they would take mine. They agreed and one, Emily, said she loved my Polaroid camera, she had one on order and she never sees anyone use them. She hoped she made the right purchase.
I replied, “Oh, I love mine and it comes in handy for my project!” She was interested and after she took my photos, I explained to her what the Happiness Box Project is.
“That’s such a great idea! I’m doing something similar to you, but instead of a box, I’m just travelling. I lost my husband to cancer a few months ago, so I’m just travelling, writing, and blogging to find meaning. I’ve never done this before.” Rebecca, her other friend, and I began chatting. We exchanged Instagram accounts, and after 15 minutes of chatting, we took quarantine selfies with my polaroid camera. I took three of them and gave the other two to Emily and Rebecca.
Before we parted ways, I said to Emily, “if you need any help getting started with blogging or just need to chat, feel free to reach out anytime.” She smiled, and we gave each other socially distant/quarantine hugs. Not actual hugging, but the motions of hugs at a socially safe distance.
The people you meet while travelling. Maybe my project is a gift and although blogging doesn’t bring any benefits, maybe it is a useful skill to have.
Anyway, after a water and fruit break, I went back into the water and met a nice guy catching the waves. We started talking and we started talking about travelling and tattoos for a good half an hour, that was fun.
The rough waves also stirred up a lot of seaweed. The seaweed was attracted to me and at one point, I looked like a monster coming out of a lagoon!
At 3:15, I was done in the water and walked around to take photos, as I dried off. I saw a lot of neat sights yesterday. Let me share some of the photos:
I was going to eat dinner at Chickie and Pete’s, but since New Jersey still has the outdoor dining rules, it was a 2.5 hour wait. I couldn’t wait that long since I wanted to get home by 7:30, so I got it to go. I started eating it on the boardwalk, but I got tired of standing and the flies were biting my legs. I took it on my bus trip back to Philadelphia and on Lyft, I finally ate dinner when I got home at 7:30.
I had such a wonderful day. What a wonderful end to the swimming season. Hopefully next year, the beach experience will return to “normal”! Regardless, one more beach day to add to my Happiness Box Project, as well as new friends to keep in touch with on Instagram.

Happy first Thursday in September! I can’t believe we’re in the 9th month of the year and we only have a little over 3.5 months to go until 2021. I made a post on Instagram on Tuesday about the progress of Happiness Box 2020. It grew a bit over the summer, not as much as last year’s (or the previous), but that’s okay. 2020 is a special year and I am grateful for everything I’ve learned this year.

I even decorated the Atlantic City bag.
I’m so thankful that my full-time job holds a Torah/Bible Study and that I can get in touch with learning about Judaism. Avi talked about Rosh Hoshana yesterday and even blew his Shofar. It was a neat experience and I’m grateful Joel came up with the idea. I also like how Joel connects his Christianity with Avi’s Judaism; we really are all connected at the end of the day, it’s truly beautiful.
I’m thankful for my friends. I’ve had a difficult week this week because I chose to let someone go. The friendship was adding more stress than it was worth, especially since it became passive aggressive and the person didn’t really want to communicate. I’m thankful for Anna, Christina, and Marsha for listening.

I’m also thankful for family. What are you thankful for today?

Yesterday I took a trip to Allentown to go to the Horror Sideshow Flea Market. Anna and Alli had a stand set up and I went to help/support. Unfortunately, Anna couldn’t travel up from South Carolina because of COVID-19 restrictions; her grandmother is also very ill and she started school again. Both Alli and I took plenty of pictures to send her. Alli was so happy I made it; it was nice spending time with her and her boyfriend, Matt.

We made a few sales! It was fun drawing people in and trying to sell them some art work. We also asked for suggestions for pieces they would like to see – Anna is doing a women in horror series and we were polling people who were visiting, The suggestions were all over the place and I can’t wait to see what Anna draws next.

I walked around for a bit and took photos. I met Countess Camille and Randu, who was selling happy/positivity artwork and t-shirts. His illustrations drew me in. I also met an indie film group and a puppeteer. We were talking about the business and he said, “if you’re interested in learning puppetry, I’m training and looking for someone to join me at shows.” We exchanged Instagram usernames, and as cool as it sounds (and the extra money sounds nice), I’m not sure. It would be fun, but right now I’m not sure about the commitment.
I left at 2 and before I left, Alli gave me a shirt. She asked me if I was going to still buy one and I was honest with her, “I love Anna’s art work, but I will order it online. Since I was furloughed from my library job, I’m only working with one paycheck and I get paid next week. I’m hoping to go back soon.” She understood and before I left she just said, “Anna and I want to thank you for always coming out and supporting us.” and handed me a shirt. I’m extremely grateful.

I left Allentown at 3:30. I was glad I could change my ticket because I was set to leave at 7:30. Most of the restaurants on Hamilton St. were closed; most businesses close for the weekend since quarantine and don’t open until the weekday, when businesses are open.

Frutta Bowls was opened; I had Frutta Bowls in Belmar before my tattoo and I knew they had gluten and dairy free things. Breakfast and a late lunch. A fig brie gluten free sandwich and butternut squash soup was what was needed after standing 4 hours on my feet.
Today is the one year anniversary since my last session at William Way and last year around this time, I was learning how to set boundaries. My Instagram’s archive feature reminded me of that. Today is also one year since I set boundaries with Savage and in the end felt good about avoiding a possible sticky situation.
In my entries from last year (https://thehappinessboxproject.com/2019/09/28/for-when-i-am-weak-then-i-am-stron... and https://thehappinessboxproject.com/2019/09/26/thankful-thursday-26-september-201...), drawing lines in the sand in regards to behaviour and being communicative about feelings prevents a lot of anger and heartache in the end. Usually, when we have a strong sense of boundaries, we don’t feel guilty about taking care of ourselves. If someone respects our boundaries, they will understand, because they have their own boundaries too. If someone can’t respect them or try to manipulate you out of the boundary settings, they have to go.
How do boundaries tie in with forgiveness? I realized a few weeks ago, as I issued some apologies to people, that when I had a weak sense of boundaries and was afraid to communicate my feelings, it led to a lot of resentments and hurt feelings. I’m still apologizing and forgiving for some of the arguments I started when I had a weak sense of boundaries. While having boundaries don’t make you immune from resentment and negative actions, I believe it happens a lot less than someone who has no sense of self.
I’m still learning how to set boundaries and it’s not always so black and white. I know things will depend on situations, but I know one thing for certain: I will not compromise my values. I have a strong sense of values and I don’t budge. I know this will be a lifelong process, just like forgiveness will be a lifelong process too.

Last night Lucky Logan and I were talking about tattoos. I told him what I was planning on getting and he said he once drew a star compass. I asked him if he had a photo, so he looked for it for me and sent it to me. It was beautiful, he has such talent. I asked him if I could use his drawing for the tattoo.

This afternoon he responded:


























I'm over the moon. I just made the reservation. Someone has to approve it and I told them I want to e-mail whatever artist I get the design because a friend drew this and it's special to me.

Gosh, I'm really crushing aren't I? Since it's a star compass, if something were to ever happen, it's a star compass. I usually have no regrets, as these are stories of my life. Star compass means guidance and "stay curious" underneath is special to me. I made the reservation at Daredevil Tattoo and I sent them Lucky Logan’s drawing.
I had a weird dream about Lucky Logan on Wednesday. We were hanging out and I left my scrapbook at his place but was too afraid to get it because Savage was guarding the house. His mom had to deliver it to me. There was hugging and cuddling too. I called it my “vacation.”

Yesterday Amy Weatherly made a post that really resonated with me. I’m going to screen shot it.
 


















My compass is Logan's design and if it doesn't work out, there's a story and nothing can change it. This year has been relatively good, so Logan and good 2021 can go hand in hand. I have no idea how things are going to go with him, but it's been a positive experience. My first one.

And this is part of that story:

Compasses represent motivation and inspiration. As a symbol, the compass signifies bringing motivation to a person feeling lost. It gives a sense of hope and inspires you to follow your heart and your rightful path. Also, compasses always point North, a direction which symbolizes progress, betterment and inspiration.

































With the start of the autumnal equinox (as of 3:21 this afternoon), things with Logan are over. I decided that they were over. While I think he liked me at one point, I don’t know now. He’s hooking up with guys supposedly and it’s breaking my asexual heart. I connect with people emotionally and honestly, him sharing the pictures of the guys he meets on Tinder, I’m jealous. I’ve been jealous for the past few weeks. I can’t do this. Logan is immature because of his family structure.

I shared the news with Tina the other day and the IM (captured above) really captured the mood. I’m thankful Tina empathized and I’m thankful she has empathized the situation for the past few weeks. She’s right, with my star compass, I will never forget him and the virtual times we shared together. It was a positive experience and he helped me learn not only how to feel good about myself, but showed me I can be open and honest about who I am and it doesn’t scare people away. I can be loved for who I am and I am loved. Logan made sure I was comfortable and gosh, I loved him. The way I felt, I loved him. It’s really hard to put into words, but I loved him.

It’s funny because I became aware of Logan in March 2020. When I was becoming suspicious of Devin, I looked up his phone number on White Pages and White Pages listed him as a person to monitor. In March 2020, more of his relatives popped up and a “Logan Platt” came up as a relative. I was curious and I googled “Logan Platt, Norristown, PA” and his Facebook popped up. I wasn’t a member, I deactivated Wesley Bear’s Facebook in March 2018, but I decided to bring it back to view more of his profile. Unfortunately, I found Logan’s profile via a Belgian source, it was in Dutch, and turned the settings into Dutch and I locked myself out of Wesley’s account. I couldn’t get it back. Oops. But, Logan looked okay. When Devin told me about his family and mentioned his brothers, I worried for them and I didn’t even know them.

I decided to recreate a Facebook page in February 2021 for my Jewish groups. I decided to look at Logan’s profile again and my heart sank when I saw his public posts about Devin threatening his life and trying to murder him. In March 2021 I reached out. He was confused, but you can see the chat on the opposite page. He was fine and I let it go.

Logan reached out to me again in June and I was a little nervous about it. Devin scared me and I thought I might have liked something on his mom’s page when I saw her selfie with Logan. I did a double check and I didn’t. He wanted to chat and that’s where things began. I didn’t realize it took him almost 3 months to reach out again, once we got talking, we really opened up to one another and we chatted every day. It was wonderful. It was a rush and we would talk all night.

I finished Instructions For Dancing and Evie learned an important lesson: it’s not about the ending, it’s about the story in between. If we focused on the ending, we would be unhappy and shut out a lot of loving experiences. In the end, X dies and Evie is heartbroken as her vision suggested, but she overcame this vision and experienced her love story in the moment. It is better to have loved and lost, than it is to have never loved at all (gosh, gotta love Tennyson).

While I feel sad about how this chapter ended with Logan, it felt good to love. It felt good getting to know him, flirt with him, him flirting with me, coming up with nicknames, and just sharing our lives together. Maybe our paths will cross again some day and maybe this isn’t a goodbye. It’s just the autumn sun setting, the leaves changing colours, for a few months of slumber before a rebirth. Or it is autumn showing us how beautiful it is to let go. I wish I told him how I felt, but I was afraid to. I can’t go back, so it’s best to let it go.

Thank you, Lucky Logan. Much love always and your star compass I have tattooed on my arm will always remind me of our story. 



















 
A Date on Saturday Makes For an Easier Difficult Anniversary on Sunday

As most of my dear readers know, I dread 7 November. Every year, as the leaves change and the clocks go backward, I feel the sadness loom. I had self-care planned and everything.
Well, there was a little change to the plans. I signed up for Facebook dating, I wanted to give it a try. Hey, why not? I’m a little tired of missing out, especially out of fear. Yet, I will admit that I was sort of feeling nervous about it all.
On Thursday, a young man messaged me and he seemed nice. He wasn’t talkative, but sounded nice.
He asked me if he wanted to chat, and I said, “sure.” He sent me his number. I’ll be honest, I was feeling a little nervous and I wasn’t going to text him. However, a few hours later, I decided to take a chance and give the guy a chance. We texted back and forth on Friday and asked if I wanted to meet up with him at the King of Prussia Mall on Saturday.
I was supposed to go out to dinner with someone else, and I said to him, “I have plans that evening, and since you live closer to the city, I’ll be in the city, how about we meet closer to you.” He agreed and we agreed to skate. He would skate board and I would roller skate.
I was nervous as hell on the high speed line and el on the way to meet him on 6 November. I was talking to one friend and she said, “you got this! It’s normal to be nervous! You’ll do fine!”
We met at the 15th Street Station, introduced ourselves to each other, and walked to the first skate park: the really cool Monopoly themed park across the street from City Hall. We skated around a bit and I’ll admit, I’m not used to street skating. I didn’t want to go to the ER on our first date, so I took care.
He noticed that the bearings that came with the skates were junk. He had me sit down and looked at my skates and said, “no wonder why you’re struggling. These bearings aren’t really made for years-long skating. Let’s go to Zumiez and I’ll help you pick out new bearings. I love Reds.”
We walked to Zumiez and he helped me pick out the Reds. He asked me if I wanted to stop at other stores and we went into Ulta for a bit. I saw the arcade and I asked him if he ever been to that arcade. He had, I never had been, so we went to Arcade.
We played DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and needless to say, I stunk a little bit. It had been 17 years. After three rounds, we moved on to Space Invaders. That was my game. I did well. He beat me at DDR, but I beat him at Space Invaders. We both complimented each other on our skills and we both laughed while playing these games, especially DDR and Space Invaders. We both agreed the Ghostbusters game sucked and didn’t make sense, which caused us both to laugh. We spent a good hour and a half at the arcade.
I told him I would pack us a lunch and asked him what he would like. He requested a PB&J sandwich. I made gluten-free PB&J sandwiches for us, so we went outside and had an urban picnic of sorts. He enjoyed the sandwiches and thanked me for packing them. I thanked him for treating to the arcade.
We chatted as we ate and after we ate, he changed my skates. He said to me, “Crap! I forgot that you have roller skates! You need two packs of bearings, not one!” We went back to Zumiez, bought the other pair and went to Spencers after. We looked at the t-shirts and talked about music. Turns out we love the same types of music. We walked around and laughed at the different things in the store. I was telling him I used to buy my nose jewelry here. I told him I have an infinite stud, though I haven’t worn it in five years. He thoughts that sounded cool.
We went back outside and he added the bearings to the other set of skates. I think you’re really pretty and I really like spending time with you. We have a lot in common. I’m just really nervous and I’m nervous that I may screw things up.” I replied to him, “I think you’re handsome and I like you too. I’m just as nervous and we can be nervous together.” We both laughed and he said, “and awkward!” I continued to laugh and chimed in, “and awkward!”
He asked about the dinner I was going to and what I would be doing after. I said, “I am only meeting my friend for dinner. After that, I might just see a movie.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah.”
“I really don’t want you to walk around here alone at night. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Can I just meet up with you after?”
I said, “You know what, I am having second thoughts about dinner and I want to spend more time with you. Let me text my friend and cancel.” I canceled plans with Daniel, he understood and told me to enjoy. Honestly, the care my date showed me, turned what might have been two dates into one. I told him my plans were canceled, and we could spend more time together. I had to leave the city by 10pm.
He smiled and we walked, hand and hand (he asked me if we could hold hands, and I told him, “yes, I like holding hands.”) to the next skate park near the Art Museum.
That park was so neat! There was graffiti everywhere. I wish I took photos, but I was too busy enjoying the moments with Tom. I skated with some roller bladers, then Tom called me over, I took off my skates, put on my sneakers, and he tried to show me how to skateboard.
Needless to say, I tried standing on his skateboard and it shot out from under me a few times. He had me sit down and showed me foot placements. That was easier sitting down, but his deck was too big for a beginner. Next time he’ll bring a small deck to teach me some more.
We skated for an hour, then decided to take the bus to the Angelo Pizza. We split a gluten-free pizza; half cheese (for me) and half pepperoni (for him). We talked and laughed and watched MMA as we ate. He asked if I liked watching sports and I said, “yes! Mostly football, MMA, and baseball has to be live.” He likes those sports too.
We ended our evening at Penn’s Landing. He let me wear his hat, and we cuddled on the bench, watching the waves of the Delaware crash along the peer. It was really romantic and really sweet. We took a selfie.
I didn’t take many photos that day, since I was enjoying time with Tom. He agreed to a few selfies.
I caught the 10:15 bus home and Tom waited with me. We hugged goodbye and when I got home, I texted him. We arrived home at the same time. I couldn’t sleep a wink that night, I had such a great time, I really like Tom, and just felt so excited about it all.
7 November 2021. I only got 3 hours of sleep and prepared for my three hours helping out voter’s services. Dad took me and when we got there, we were turned away. Voters services hadn’t shown up in two days, and the worker had me sign the attendance book. She wanted me to get overtime credit. I signed it and headed on my merry way.
At 11am, I Facebook face-timed with Tom and we just flirted, and talked about the fun we had on Saturday. He really liked spending time with me, he really thought I was kind, and I made him feel at ease. I was on cloud 9.
The book discussion was great and it felt great seeing everyone in person. I will admit, I was a little distracted during the discussion, I was thinking about Tom and the date.
After the book discussion, Tom face timed me again and asked me on a second date. He wants to spend more time with me. I want to spend more time with him. I spent a good portion of the evening chatting with him and I forgot to sing “Happy Inkday” to my tattoo. I was too busy on cloud 9 and feeling good with Tom.
Let me show you a comparison from 7 November 2013 and 7 November 2021. 2013’s photo is me in the Pantera shirt.
Brandon found me at my most vulnerable moment and took advantage. He was wrong about me. I am not ugly, I am not unlovable, I am not fat, and I am not lame. I am beautiful, I am lovable, I am loved, I am liked, I am beautiful in my skin, and I am a fighter. I have spirit. In 5 months, I will be older than Brandon will ever be. He died 5 months before his 33rd birthday. I am still alive and breathing. I am still getting out there and I’m getting more comfortable again about it. He has never stolen that from me.
I’m probably still vulnerable, but as humans we all are. Now I know how to respect my vulnerability and how to find others who will too.
I am looking forward to spending time with Tom on Thursday, 11 November 2021. I am looking forward to a lot of things now.
I’m glad I decided to let go of my anxiety and gave Tom a chance. I’m really glad and grateful that I texted him.

It was cute how he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were walking through DSW on 11 November 2021 and he pointed out a pair of Tom’s sneakers. I said, “I used to own a pair. They are very comfortable.” He replied, “You have your very own Tom now. What do you say? Be my girlfriend?” Of course I said yes!

Thrifting, Riding Trains, Arcades, and Teaching Tom How to Ice Skate (Oh, My!) 13 November 2021
I like to keep relationships balanced and we agreed to take turns visiting one another. He will come to visit me, then I will visit him, and so on and so forth. Saturday I told him I would go to him in Delaware County. It wasn’t a bad commute – 40 minutes via SEPTA.
When I arrived, he met me at the Baltimore Ave. station and he gave me a tour of his town. It’s a quaint little town, especially Aldan. He took me to his favourite thrift store and we walked around.
Tom found some video game console cords and found an electrical outlet from the 1970s. He decided to buy it, because it was dangerous for today’s use, and he would show me how to wire things. Hey, why not? Sounded cool!
My rainbow purse fell apart; second Sak purse to fall apart in a year. I didn’t want to spend money on a new one, since it seems like the stuff made nowadays aren’t built to last, so I decided to look for a new purse while in the thrift store. I found a nice black purse, probably from the mid to late 90’s. It was only $4, in great shape, and I decided to get it. I needed a purse.
After spending an hour in the thrift store, it was raining, so we walked to the train station in Primos. We found shelter and he took out the electrical socket he bought. Tom is OSHA certified to install electrical wiring. He used to work as an installer before he shifted focus.

I had to snap a photo of him showing me how he would wire something like this. Gosh, that’s what I admire about him: Tom isn’t afraid to teach me things and it is interesting. I learned a lot about alternating currents and direct currents and how getting them mixed up can be dangerous. It was neat learning how I would install wiring too. Good to know for the future!
Eventually the rain stopped and before the train came, we decided to get a selfie with the beautiful fall trees in the back. You probably can’t see the trees too well.

It was freezing cold after the rain passed through. We were so happy to get on the train and cuddle a little.

I decided to get my hair touched up and he went skateboarding for a little bit. Once my hair was done, we ordered pizza from Dominos. He ordered a regular pepperoni pizza and I ordered my gluten-free cheese pizza. Customers can’t sit in Dominos yet and Brauhaus Schmidt wouldn’t let us sit in one of their outdoor tables, so we walked to a park to eat. It was 6pm, but felt like midnight. The park was between South and Lombard Streets, so it wasn’t too bright, but we did have some light from South Street. It felt interesting eating pizza in the cold dark, with the moon shining above. We talked and laughed as we ate.
Tom and I then went back to the arcade. We had fun playing Space Invaders, dancing games, fusball, and Pong.
Tom agreed to go ice skating, so we ventured to the Rothman Rink at City Hall. He never ice skated before and I taught him. Since he skateboards and can roller skate, he was a natural at ice skating once he got used to it. He did well. We held hands as we skated around, and I gave him some tips for easier skating.
We fell once and we both laughed as we wiped the snow off of our pants. What fun! He told me I was an excellent teacher.
These moments were the early days of the relationship and they didn’t last very long. Starting in December, he blocked me and marked that he was single. He lost his job at Hobby Lobby. I wrote it off to autism at first, but he did it 13 more times when we were together that it’s hard to blame only his autism. It was Tommy himself.


Thursday is here again. This is has been an off week – I’ve been in a bad headspace and today I am trying my hardest to find positivity.
Tommy is on the autism spectrum – an Aspie – and some days communication is a challenge. Last week we were supposed to get together to see Scattertrain with my parents, and my parents invited him to stay over. He cancelled last Thursday night because he didn’t feel comfortable and the last time Scattertrain was a bit loud. Later, he told me that he didn’t feel right staying at my parents’ house; he loves me too much to upset them. We were going to get together on Sunday, but it snowed.
Nan’s anniversary is 5 days away. A few days ago it was Mimi’s anniversary. Now that my health is getting better, I’m getting my periods back and it came on Tuesday evening. I’m a hormonal mess, combined with that loss. Next Thursday will be 13 years since Jacob broke up with me and in 11 days it’ll be six years since I found out Brandon died in 2015. Tommy didn’t message me at all this week and since I was already in a bad headspace, my anxiety creeped up. I was mean Jess on Tuesday and maybe it’s a good thing Tommy has mind blindness with his condition. My one friend had to put me on mute. Yeah, the hormones associated with my cycle make me a monster. That friend checked on me yesterday and she checked on me today. Thank you.
Anyway, last night I finally messaged Tommy and I told him, “I’ve been feeling blah all week.” He was surprised and told me he hopes I feel better soon. He wanted to get together this weekend, and when I asked if I could come to him and what he was interested in doing, no response. No response to my text about discussing and eventually I just said, “let’s do something another time.” Read, but no response. I’m in such a bad headspace that I just want to be left alone.
I’m chatting with my therapist and she reminded me that spending time alone and pursuing our own hobbies is healthy. We shouldn’t lose ourselves in our relationships. Last Friday I went ice skating by myself and it felt weird without my skate partner, but I skated two sessions and that felt nice. I will ice skate alone this weekend and while it’ll feel weird without my skate partner, I’ll skate two sessions.
I joined an Aspie group on Reddit and both NT (neurotypical) partners and Aspies have helped me this week understand Tommy some more. I did buy books and have read one (I will read the others soon), it helps to talk to others in my shoes and those who live with the condition. This pulling away is common and once we are both ready, we can talk. Honestly, I am thankful for this subreddit and I’m thankful for everyone who gave advice, and took my messages to chat. That helped me get out of my head a little.

Tommy and I met up on Sunday and it felt so good to see him. We both agreed that three weeks was a long time and we don’t want to wait that long again.
The morning started out hectic because at 8am he texted me about rescheduling since it was so cold. I asked him, “can we just do a movie day at your house? I really want to see you.” He agreed and had to ask his parents. He fell back to sleep and I didn’t hear from him when I left the house at 12:30 pm. I was in anxiety mode at that point, left many texts and a few messages. When I didn’t hear from him at 1pm, I ordered skating tickets and took the el into Center City. I was going to stop off at Jiggy Coffee before skating at 2:45. I was almost in tears because I wanted to see Tommy.
When I got off the el, I saw he read my texts and I decided to give him a call. He answered and we chatted. I told him I was already in Philly, but I wanted to see him and I could take Lyft to his house from 11th Street. He wanted to see me too and he said it was okay for me to come over. I ordered Lyft and I was at his house by 2:30.
His parents welcomed me in and as I waited for him, I chatted with his parents for a bit. Tommy came downstairs, gave me a big hug and kiss, then we went upstairs and watched Silver Linings Playbook. Before I started the movie, I apologized for going into anxiety mode, and he said, “it’s okay, honey. I know how you feel and I missed you too. I’ve been overthinking and in my head for the past two weeks. I really missed you.” He agreed that three weeks was too long. We cuddled up and watched Silver Linings Playbook. Tommy enjoyed the movie and it just felt good cuddling.


Every Wednesday, I receive a Spiritual newsletter from Writing.com. 2 February’s spiritual newsletter was about writing a love letter to ourselves. I want to share the newsletter here.
A Love Letter to Yourself

The final prompt I gave during “The Writer’s Cramp” birthday week invited entrants to write a poem or story about finding a letter written by one’s future self on the occasion of their 20th birthday. The entries were all very well done, and many of them had a similar theme of encouraging their 20 year old self to follow their dreams or take better care themselves or not take a loved one for granted.

Their writing got me thinking about a possible spiritual writing exercise as we head into Valentine’s Day. We all appreciate receiving notes and cards expressing love in February – what if we took some time to write a love letter to ourselves this month?

For a variety of reasons, self-love can be one of the hardest things for us to express. We are taught within our various spiritual traditions to love others – but when it comes to loving ourselves, there can be many obstacles, even though many faith traditions encourage us to “love others as we love ourselves” – which implies self love. Instead, we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others – less forgiving, less caring, less loving. We are more judgmental of ourselves, more impatient, sometimes even more unkind.

So what if this February we spread the love around to others – AND take some time to spread love to ourselves as a writing exercise. Let’s write a love letter to ourselves. It may seem odd, or even self-serving – but push past that if you can and give yourself some care and attention. Buy yourself some flowers or chocolate while you’re at it!

What might you write to yourself in a love letter? Maybe write about what you like about yourself, or offer some encouragement if you are facing a challenge. Remind yourself of the things that other people admire about you. Tell yourself that you love you. Write about something you like about yourself.

You can choose to keep your love letter private – or if you are feeling brave, you might add it to your WDC portfolio (let me know if you do). It doesn’t have to be long, or perfectly written. Even just a few lines will be a great start – and perhaps it will inspire you to write more than you expected you would.

Happy Valentines Day – to YOU, from you!
I decided to write my own love letter and I want to share it with you dear readers.
6 February 2022
Dear Jessica,
You are so damn hard on yourself and I don’t know why. You tend to blame yourself for things that go wrong when they aren’t entirely your fault. Please stop doing that; please allow yourself the same grace you give to others. You are so forgiving and I admire that about you.
You have such a heart of gold. You are kind, patient, and empathic not only to Tom, but all your friends and family. I know Tom is your main worry now, but please don’t worry. You have done nothing wrong, in fact, you’ve done most things right. Your patience and trustworthiness are key, and even though things have hit a rough patch for the past month, please keep persevering even if you need to step back. Don’t ever lose that sparkle and even when things are dark, please remember to be kind and empathic; not only to him, but yourself as well.
This is another thing I admire about you: you are strong and brave. You have never given up and you have never backed down. Plans and goals may have changed, but you are determined. After your rape, you were brave by going to authorities and alerting WCU’s campus about possible danger for other young women. You were targeted and you didn’t want to see the same thing happen to other women. It takes a really strong person to be able to do that and put yourself in another person’s shoes.
I love how you managed to get up every morning and face the day, even when you wanted to die. Those days after Nan’s death, then after the rape, and then Nan’s first anniversary while you were deep in grief about the rape, they were pretty hopeless. Blizzard after blizzard marked 2013-2014’s winter and while the loneliness and isolation were strong, you pulled through. You didn’t give up on yourself and once 2014 passed, then 2015 through 2018, you began to work on yourself. The Happiness Box Project, and later in 2019: therapy. 2021 brought more therapy, a new job, and things are getting better. Your will to live and get better has made the difference. Your Happiness Box Project now inspires others! Your story inspires others!
I love your sense of humour and your sense of wander. You’re curious; you are willing to travel to new places and try new experiences. You don’t shy away from getting to know others, learning about them and their cultures. Others admire your curiosity; they trust you and let you into their fold. You’re open-minded and you don’t judge others. You can put a smile on peoples’ faces and you can give them a hearty laugh.
I love you, Jessica! I love you so much! You are unique, you are special, and you are a wonderful addition to the world.



I met David at this time. It was after Tommy cheated on me with Carmella. Each time I went back to Sunoco, I talked to David and in April, I walked away. I wanted to try to work on things with Tommy. I regret doing that.

On Tuesday, Tommy’s uncle invited us to Atlantic City/Brigantine for the weekend. We were thinking about visiting and I felt better about staying with someone in his family and not in Atlantic City itself. I was also excited to meet another one of his family members.
Tommy loves to sleep in; I was surprised he picked an early train for Saturday, 26 March: 8:20 am! I set my alarm for 5:45 am – the normal time I get up for work – and it felt odd getting up earlier on Saturday. Tommy and I agreed that I would arrive at his house at 7:30 am and we would go to 30th Street Station together to catch the train to Atlantic City.
The sky was beautiful as I was waiting for Lyft. I ordered a two rider: we’d pick up Tommy and head to 30th Street Station. I had to take a selfie before I set off on our first weekend trip away together.

It was a quiet ride to Tommy’s, as the Lyft driver only spoke Spanish. He did ask if I could speak it and I said, “No. German and Arabic.” He spoke a little German with me. Once we picked up Tommy, Tommy and I chatted the whole half an hour. We were chatter bugs talking about the upcoming spring, the blooming trees, the weird weather, travel, and our excitement about our first trip together.
We were 20 minutes early and we ordered some Dunkin. I could only order a Coolata and he ordered a breakfast sandwich. The coolata gave me a headache and he wasn’t hungry, so when it was time to board the train, we just threw it away.
New Jersey Transit is so nice! The train was fancy and it was wonderful window watching on our way to Atlantic City.

The train ride was the same length of time as the bus in the summer – 90 minutes. When we arrived in Atlantic City, of course I had to get a station selfie for the scrapbook.
Tommy’s Uncle Joe was waiting for us. We hopped into his car and he treated us to breakfast at a local bistro in Brigantine. I ordered oatmeal (as it’s gluten-free) with raisins and brown sugar with a cup of coffee. Tommy ordered French toast, eggs, and ham. We went back to his uncle’s house and had breakfast together. We also helped his uncle around the house for a little bit before Tommy and I settled down for a nap. The room was so comfortable and cozy. When we woke up, it was raining and we played a table console game until it stopped raining.
After the rain subsided, Tommy and I walked to Brigantine beach. The beach was only a three minute walk from his uncle’s. Tommy and I went beachcombing – we found tons of shells that I put into my backpack. We did take some photos before it started to rain.

I was also able to do a quick polar plunge. The waves were rough and I could see a storm in the distance. I went up to my chest, then ran out. It felt good to plunge! Tommy took the photos for me.
Once the sun came out a few hours later, we decided to go to Atlantic City. We would go to the beach and Tommy packed his binoculars. He brought them and I brought my camera. As we were waiting for Lyft, I had to snap this photo of Tommy looking at Brigantine through his binoculars.
at 4:30 PM, there was nothing but blue skies.
Once we arrived in Atlantic City, we went on the beach and walked the first half of the boardwalk. I wasn’t familiar with that part of the boardwalk, as I think it was further down from Tropicana, near where I hung out in the past. As we were walking up the boardwalk and onto the beach, Tommy was singing this song to me:

It was very windy, but we were able to go under the pier and look at the grafitti.

We were famished once we were done exploring. Tommy and I explored this part of the boardwalk, but there wasn’t many gluten-free options. At the last pizza place we stopped at, I saw this neat sculpture.

I suggested just going to the Hard Rock Cafe and Tommy thought that was a great idea. I knew the Hard Rock had gluten-free options and it was close. We could also hang out after dinner.
We had a thirty five minute wait and while we waited, we sat down at the bar, and admired the scenery. I reinstalled Snapchat, took a selfie with the “I love you” filter. After I snapped the selfie, a mother walked by and asked us if she wanted to take our photo. I handed her the phone and she snapped a lovely photo of Tommy and me with the “I love you” filter.
We both love Spongebob and Tommy pointed out the stickers on the lamp.
Dinner was delicious. I was able to get a gluten-free burger with fries, and Tommy ordered chicken fingers with fries. Dining win for picky eaters! I loved taking photos of the scenery and of course, Tommy wanted photos with the motorcycle.

We decided to stay at the Hard Rock and play in their casino. What an evening!

Tommy wanted to try his hand at poker. I wasn’t sure, so I took photos of him at the poker table. He didn’t win that round. We decided to play a few slot machines and I told him, “Nan used to play 21. She taught me how to play 21.”
Tommy responded, “babe, that is poker!” He explained the rules and I joined him at the poker table. I remember the 21 rules Nan taught me when I was a child, and I’m glad I remembered those rules because I won $75. Tommy did well too – he won $100.
After that game, we decided to dip out. I won $20 on the slots and he won some money too. We felt wealthy as checked out. However, our real wealth is our love and that we have each other.
We decided to walk the boardwalk some more and as we were heading to one of the stores, I met Fat Rusty, a stray cat. It was a homeless man’s cat and he said, “this is Fat Rusty.” I loved petting him and taking photos.

I wish I could have taken Fat Rusty home. We bonded and he seemed to like me.
When we got back to Tommy’s uncle’s house, he was still up. He told us the maid cleaned the shells we had found earlier. I felt so verklempt and grateful for that. We found a whole bunch of shells and of course, I had to take a photo.

After a shower, we tried playing Minecraft, but couldn’t because of being on data. We both took some melatonin, and we were both exhausted from a busy day. We kissed one another good night, cuddled up, and fell asleep. Rest before day #2…

We slept in on Sunday morning. The quilts were warm, the room was comfortable, and we were cuddled in each others’ arms. We woke up at 9:45 am, and ate Pop-tarts (well, my gluten-free ones were from a brand called Bobo’s) in our pajamas, in bed. I also bought orange Crush packets for water bottles, so we mixed the orange Crush and drank it with our Pop-tarts. That would be our breakfast.
The sun shone through the window and at 11, we walked to Brigantine beach and took more photos. Photos we were unable to get on the 26th. I am thankful that Tommy went along with my photoshoot ideas. He seemed to have fun.

After an hour and a half on Brigantine Beach, we decided to go back to the Atlantic City Boardwalk.
When we arrived to the Boardwalk, we saw some fat seagulls. There were also a lot more people walking on Sunday.

We went to the mall first and there was this area that was set up like a beach. We loved watching the ocean from inside the warmth of the mall.

After, we had lunch/dinner at Rain Forest Cafe. Tom’s birthday is in two weeks and I “surprised” him a little bit. He was embarrassed.

After, lunch and dinner, we went to the Arcade. We went go-kart riding and I was scared to death. I don’t like being behind the wheel and that is mostly why I don’t drive. I didn’t crash and die, however!

It started to snow too. While his uncle was driving us to the bus stop, it was snowing even more. It felt weird to be at the beach while it was snowing.
Tommy and his uncle were talking about some relatives and the subject of children’s books came up. Tommy asked, “babe, you’ve written a children’s book before, right?”
I replied, “I’ve never had one published. I started writing one, but never published it.”
His uncle asked me why and I replied, “I wrote it in Arabic and I need someone to proof it for me.”
Uncle Joe has a few Arab friends. He called up one of his friends and put me on the phone with him. We spoke a little Arabic, and he’s going to have his wife proof it for me. I have to find the manuscript. It’s been 10 years and I’ve gone through many computers since then. If not, I can rewrite it. I was so verklempt and grateful.
On our way back to Philadelphia, Tommy sent me the selfie I took with his phone. I forgot to post this yesterday, so I will post it today.

When we got back to his house, his mom surprised me with a gift from Ireland.
On Friday night, I attended my first Passover Seder in person. For those of you who are my Facebook friend, you’ve seen the photos. I’m going to post some photos here as well. I’m so glad everyone was okay with me taking photos and were happy that I was taking photos.
I wish Tommy attended with me, but I know large groups aren’t his thing. There were quite a few interfaith couples there, and I had fun chatting with them. I also chatted with a few young gals, and it felt great meeting new people. I switched Facebook and Instagram usernames with the ones I have selfies with.

I recorded when we sang Daiyanhu. I didn’t take video of the Seder guests, unless I took the photos. I wanted the recording only.
Elana and Keir are one of the interfaith couples I met. Keir is the non-Jewish one and I asked him, “so, what do you think? I’ll be doing this with my boyfriend next week and he’s never done this before.”
“It’s really cool. I like it and can’t wait to do this again. Elana will be experiencing Easter on Sunday.”

Elana and Keir. Then the two gals were an interfaith couple too.
Elana is going to do like I normally do (my parents went to Florida this year and Tommy didn’t invite me over), she will bring her Seder plate to the celebration (which I was going to do if Tommy was having anything – they’re going to his grandparents’ house and his mom thinks it’s too early in the relationship for me to go). I do that with my family. Elana and I both laughed.
Selfies with Elana and Keir, Yael and Allie, and Matt:

Mallory, who runs the Grad and Young Professionals Network, compiled an interfaith Haggadah. She let me take one, which I will use with Tommy. I’m also grateful that Mallory let me sign up so last minute. I’m so glad I met her and I’m so glad I’m always included in events. It was just wonderful meeting new people on Friday night. Elana and Yael both added me to Facebook. I’m waiting for Matt and Keir to add me back. Hopefully new friendships will bloom!
Today is not only day #3 of Passover and Easter, but today is also Ramadan and Ramadan runs this whole month. April is full of holidays – Ridvan (Bahai Faith), Mahavir Jayanthi (Hindus), Vaisakhi (Sikhs), Theravada (Buddhists), and Gathering of Nations (Indigenous People). Regardless of what you celebrate, I hope you had (and have) a wonderful holiday filled with peace and love.
Happy Passover!
Happy Easter!
رمضان مبارك
Happy Ridvan!
Happy Vaisakhi!
Happy Theravada!
Happy Mahavir Jayanthi!
Posted onApril 17, 20221 Commenton First Night of Passover with Grad/Young Professionals Network | Penn Hillel | 15 April 2022 Edit
Passover Gratitude
At sundown, Passover begins. I waited until last minute to get my Seder ticket; I wasn’t sure since I caught a cold two weeks ago and was unsure meeting with a group again. I’m feeling better, mask mandates are a thing in Philly again, and I want to see some of my friends. Unfortunately, I missed the sale.
Panicked, I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt dejected and even told Tommy as much. I was already depressed and dear Tommy did everything in his power to make me feel better. If he comes over next week, we will have a Seder and I will teach him about Passover. He’d like that, he said.
I decided to reach out to a friend and she responded with kindness:

Huzzah! So glad I reached out and I feel grateful. The whole meaning of Passover is opening your door and inviting people to your table. Of course, it’s also the Jewish drive from bondage and slavery, but it’s also welcoming people into your life and your struggle.
I am excited to celebrate the first night of Passover with my friends. I can’t wait to share the holiday with Tommy too.

The Stonewall Seder last evening was amazing and beautiful. As an Asexual, I am so happy to be welcomed into the LGBTQ+ group and aces are acknowledged. Asexuality is a bit controversial, as well as bisexuality, to some LGBT folks because they can appear straight. I’m glad my Jewish group doesn’t see it that way and they put that struggle into the Stonewall Haggadah.

Before the Seder started, Galia said, “if you have any pets, they’re more welcomed to join in on our Zoom Seder.” I decided to get the Boy. He fought me as I walked back downstairs, but he stayed in my hands for a few minutes as I introduced Gizmo to the group. Galia thought he was cute. I explained that he was a stray that we took in 3 years ago after Mimi died and he’s still getting used to us. He still hates being picked up, though. A few other pets of other members showed up doing the Seder. I’m happy to report that the Boy has forgiven me and he cuddled with me last night.
For the Stonewall Haggadah, they use the names of people who were killed for being who they are. That was a really hard list to read, especially since it’s grown over the past year. Ten drops of wine fell onto my napkin.

Loved hearing this in Ladino. Ladino is the language of Sephardic Jews, it’s a combination of Spanish and Hebrew.
As the Seder progressed and we had moments filled with tears, I reflected on the gratitude I’ve felt for the past few days. Tommy accepts that I am ace and while we compromise, he doesn’t force and is patient. Not only due to the asexuality, but PTSD as well. When I came out to him, he didn’t judge me like I feared. I am loved wholeheartedly. I sent him a text message and he responded back. I took myself off the camera on Zoom to send the text. I wanted to express my gratitude to him; I never thought I’d meet and love someone who accepted me. I don’t think he expected it for himself either.

After we drank our fourth glass of wine, we sang Chag Goya. As you can tell by the video, this is definitely a drinking song!
The whole Seder lasted an hour. It was abbreviated because of Zoom. Before we parted, Galia asked if she could take a screenshot of the group. I decided to get my selfie.

We were able to chat afterwards and I was chatting with a Kosher gluten-free chef. We exchanged e-mails and we’re going to keep in touch. It felt nice to chat with Galia, Sheri, and a few others after the Seder. A wonderful day #3.
P.S. it was nice getting dressed up, but since I was on Zoom, I didn’t have to worry about stockings! I went barefoot!

This is going to be mostly a photo entry. I took more photos during our first Seder together, and I took the group photo too quickly on a timer that it cut off our heads. Oh dear. Ha!

Tommy enjoyed both Seders and loved the discussions I prompted. It made him open up and share some of his thoughts on social issues. I think these Seders were a great opportunity to get to know one another some more.
When we did the Stonewall Seder, I told him that was the reason why I texted him on Easter. I explained what prompted it and that I was most likely targeted then raped because I am an ace. It might not have been the total reason, but I told Brandon that I wasn’t attracted to him before he got me drunk and then drugged me to rape me, that it felt like it. I shed a tear a little and Tommy asked me to explain being an ace to him. I told him, “I’m not into most people. You’re my person and I’m into you.” He smiled.
I think Tommy liked the Stonewall Seder the most because it’s non-traditional and was quicker. For the Stonewall Seder, the afikomen wasn’t a piece of matzo like in a traditional Seder, the afikomen was something symbolic to each of us. I chose my camera, he chose his skateboard, then we talked about why.
We did have some fun after the Seder and I will share the one photo I took:
We snuggled on the couch, then ate a Passover meal that we ordered.
I consider this one of my afikomens. When he built my bookshelf and I was cleaning out my closet, I found this sleepover book that I took out for every sleepover. I shared the memories with Tommy and I asked him to sign the pillowcase. He did and now I have new sleepover memories.

We ended our evenings by playing Minecraft. This is part of relationship in a nutshell.

These were a special three days. I wrote all about them for my Happiness Box and printed the photos. I’m so glad Tommy and I celebrated together and they were a disaster. I’m glad that was the only time I celebrated Passover with him.

Ace as gluten free cake.
This weekend reminded me how I didn’t find my person yet, and we don’t really work as a couple. We aren’t even a couple and never were. You walked off on me and didn’t join me until the parade was almost over. Maybe that should have been a sign that I needed to find someone who accepts me.

I’m being careful about what I post, I’m finding e-mails and letters to be much more personal. I’m finding social media isn’t what it used to be either.
After a three year hiatus, Pride was back and reimagined. The Philadelphia Pride Collective wanted to make it less commercial and wanted to get back to its roots. Sounded interesting and well, I can’t pass up the opportunity to celebrate with my tribes.
This was Tommy’s first time at Pride. We made a weekend of it and stayed with a friend.
On Saturday night, we ventured into the Gayborhood for a drag show. We were going to go to an earlier show, but when we arrived at Topps Tomato Pizza, we found out that the promoter messed up the address and the performance was actually on South Street. Tommy and I didn’t feel like walking down to South Street and wanted to stay in the Gayborhood; we decided to see the 10pm show at Tabu on 12th and Walnut instead.
I’m glad we did because we avoided that shooting. Where the earlier show would have been, would have been in that area on South Street. I like to say it was divine intervention. We didn’t even know until both of our parents called us on Sunday morning and told us.
Sunset selfie at the playground
After dinner and playing dodgeball, wall ball, and wiffle ball at the playground, we made our way to Tabu. I’m glad we arrived early; we sat with another couple after I asked if we could sit with them. “Of course, especially since you asked so nicely!” They were fun to chat with for a bit. I also met MX, a performer from Massachusetts, and also Bev, the drag host. Tommy and I enjoyed Bev’s Bitchfest, and the club was jammed packed. We left at intermission, while we loved the show and performers, Tommy and I were tired and Sunday was going to not only be an early morning, but a busy day with the parade/march.


As I mentioned earlier, Pride was very different than in years’ past. They didn’t want to commercialize it and the Philadelphia Pride Collective did a wonderful job. We marched at four distinct locations that had significance in the Black community, the Native American community, the AAPI community, and of course the LGBTQIA community; the march began at Independence Mall and ended in the Gayborhood.


Tommy suggested we walk in the march. I was shocked that he suggested it because he’s usually shy, doesn’t like to bring attention to himself. I took his lead and we marched from the African American History Museum all the way to the Gayborhood with everyone else. We chanted, we waved our flags, and had a lot of fun. As we marched, Tommy said, “Happy Pride, babe. Love you.” Awwww. I love him. We held hands at one point.

The march ended around 1pm. We sat in the park near Jefferson university and rested until we went back to his house. Tommy and I were both exhausted, and it felt great to relax while playing video games. It was a lovely weekend and Pride Weekend 2022 is one we will never forget.



Tommy surprised me on Saturday. I wasn’t planning to spend the night at Tommy’s since his parents were iffy about it in the past. Well, he called me up and told me it was okay to stay on Saturday.
Fortunately, I didn’t need to pack a lot. I just threw some clothes and pajamas into a duffle bag, along with toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, medicine, tattoo lotion, and popcorn. I was so excited to spend the night; and Tommy was just as excited.
I got there at 3pm, and we embraced. We planned birthday weekend and since Tommy is going to start a new job soon, he didn’t want to chance being away on my birthday. We were thinking about Boston, but it’ll be better in the fall, for both of us. I suggested staying in Atlantic City for 2-3 July and he loved that idea. We’ll spend birthday weekend together.
We went to Walmart, he bought more Hot Wheel tracks, and we went back to his house to race. We spent some time in the garage, greasing the track and talking about the outlawing of abortion. We’re both upset. As someone who struggles with period issues, this is scary. Could the progesterone only challenge I had to take in my 20s be outlawed? Can the birth control I take now be outlawed? I hope not.
As a rape survivor, while I’m glad at that time I was unable to get pregnant, I might have been given Plan B. I was given so many medications then, I couldn’t keep up with all that they gave me in the aftermath. As I told Tommy, “if I would have gotten pregnant and if Roe v. Wade wasn’t law, there could have been a possibility that Brandon could have fought for parental rights. Since he died, that could have raised other issues. It makes me scared to think of women who are raped in the post-Roe world and if they don’t go to a back alley, they may be forced to deal with their rapist in child custody battles. That’s double the trauma.” Tommy just said, “that’s fucked up.” It truly is. We, along with millions of Americans, are devastated. Not only abortion is at risk, but so is IVF – infertile women are screwed too. Women are chattel now.
That discussion worked up an appetite. We ordered Chick Fil-A, and had a delicious dinner. Tommy’s a picky eater, I’m gluten-free and Chick Fil-A is just easy for us. A lot of these types of restaurants are easy for us.
After dinner and a shower, we just relaxed. He told me, “this is the first time I’ve been allowed to have a girlfriend over and in my bed.” I smiled and said, “we’re doing a lot of firsts together.” He smiled too and I added, “I never felt this way about anyone before.” “Me neither, babe.”
Fuzz joined us and cuddled with us. He stayed next to my side for the evening. I love cats and I had to see his cat, Holly. Holly loved me, she cuddled up next to me and allowed me to give her some head kisses. Tommy joined me and Holly loved the attention. Fuzz got jealous.

Fuzz wasn’t really into selfies. Oh well.
We stayed up til 1am, eating popcorn, playing video games, then taking Fuzz outside. It felt great to cuddle up with Tommy outside as we watched Fuzz. It was a humid night and the stars shone brightly.
Once inside, we went to bed. We woke up at 11:45 am on Sunday and that had to be the best sleep I had in a while. His bed is comfortable and it always feels great sleeping cuddled next to him. He felt the same way – he had a few nightmares, which woke me up, and I held him tightly. He loved that.
When we woke up, we planned Atlantic City. We’re going to be staying in Pleasantville, which is a 14 minute Lyft ride to Atlantic City. It was cheaper staying in a hotel in Pleasantville since it’s further out. Honestly, I don’t care where we stay and what we do, I just love being with Tommy. Tommy and I talked about things we can do next weekend and we’re super excited. Lucy the Elephant, the beach, boardwalk games, maybe the casinos.
After planning, we made our way downstairs. Fuzz greeted me and cuddled next to me. Tommy’s dad said, “Fuzz seems to really like you. He loves the attention.” Tommy came downstairs and we had gluten-free cheerios for breakfast while watching YouTube videos.

Since yesterday was super hot, we spent most of the day inside, playing video games. I also introduced him to more KMFDM, which he really loved. He loved these two songs the most:
I also played Jack off Jill and Otep for him. He said, “Jack off Jill wasn’t appropriate for school.” I laughed and said, “that is why I listened to the CD on my walkman. No one could hear what I listened to through headphones.” He laughed. He thought Otep sounded like a guy and was surprised she was a girl. Otep is a Lesbian, but I guess she probably thought that if she wants to make it in metal, sounding like a guy was it? Or that could just be her style. Tommy seemed to like “Blood Pig,” and “Jonestown Tea” was a bit too intense for him. I told him, “yeah, she is a little intense. For a while in 2014, I couldn’t listen to ‘Jonestown Tea,’ it took me a few years to be comfortable with that song again.” Tommy liked listening to what I loved in middle and high schools, and still love.
I’m going to post “Jonestown Tea” to illustrate what I’m talking about. TRIGGER WARNING!
We played video games as we listened and that seemed to put me in the racing video game mindset. I guess metal tends to do that!
Also, we decided to not do anything for the snowboarding game. By doing nothing, we both won. How comical!

We stayed in our pajamas all day. It felt nice. All that headbanging, laughing, and racing made us hungry. We ordered gluten-free pizza and non gluten-free pepperoni pizza from Pica’s. Although it was 95 degrees outside, we decided to eat outside.

We played some more video games and Tommy decided to race. After about an hour, Tommy decided to try to teach me how to ride a bike. I’m trying. He had to guide me, to help with balance. I have a wonderful and patient teacher.

I didn’t want to go home, and Tommy didn’t want me to go home either. I left at 7:15 and I thanked his dad for letting me stay. He smiled and said, “you’re very welcome. See you next time!” As I waited for Lyft, I took a lovely selfie with Tommy in the living room.

We had a great weekend and I felt so comfortable in his home. I felt so at peace. His dog and cats love me, I’m welcomed, and it just felt so good being with the love of my life. I can’t wait for birthday weekend.

Ah, last minute birthday weekend plans were a disaster. Last weekend, Tommy and I decided on Atlantic City, then plans changed a bit and by last Tuesday, we decided to stay in Philadelphia on Saturday night to be closer to the train that we took to Atlantic City. We booked the Budgetel Inn in Absecon, NJ (15 minutes away from Atlantic City) for July 3-5. We were excited and planned different things throughout the week last week. This was going to be his first time celebrating my birthday with me. (His birthday was April 11, and I made a bit of a big deal about his birthday since it was my first time celebrating his birthday with him – it seems like firsts are always big deals.)
On Saturday we met up, and headed to our accommodation in Hunting Park. On our way to Queen’s Hotel, a bed and breakfast of sorts, Tommy and I learned some Polish. He’s interested in learning it and installed Duo Lingo. I am too; I believe Polish is one language Daniel spoke and Ms. Irene at the library spoke it. I know a little. I had fun playing along and caught on quickly. Some of it is similar to German. Anyway, Queen’s Hotel was okay; it was a place to rest our heads. We had a TV in our room that had a hookup for a video game console. Tommy brought his wii switch. Tommy asked if I wanted my birthday gift at that moment and I told him, “no. I want to wait two more days.”
Saturday was a hot and humid day. We didn’t see the skateboarding competition like originally planned, especially since heavy rain was in the forecast. Instead, I wanted to pick up a sun hat at Philly AIDS; Tommy and I hopped onto the Broad Street Line at Hunting Park and headed to Lombard South since Philly AIDS is on South Street (5th). As soon as we made it to South Street, it started to pour. We hung out at CVS before continuing onto Philly AIDS.
Tommy loved Philly AIDS. I found my sun hat and a cute Halloween teddy bear. Tommy found a boogie board, Star Wars drone, and Logitech headphones. We did take some photos; I loved the Christmas snowman and Tommy loved the kayaks.

Before we headed back to Hunting Park, we hung out near City Hall and Tommy flew his Star Wars drone. I wanted to try on my sunhat. We made it back to Hunting Park by 7:30, we wanted to be back before dark. Tommy hooked up his Wii switch and we had an evening of video games. I loved Cup Head, the game is reminiscent of a 30’s/40’s style game. We also played Minecraft and Rollercoaster Tycoon.

I slept well, but Tommy did not. He felt uneasy about the area and instead of sleeping, he made sure I was okay. He’s my protector.
We left at 7:45 am and headed to 30th Street. We made it to 30th Street at 8:15 am and Tommy treated me to Dunkin Donuts. I can only eat potato hash browns there (the only thing that is gluten free) and I told him to get me a pack of 8. He came back, and I can only laugh; typical Aspie, he ordered me 8 bags of hash browns. I was able to eat five of those bags, but had to get rid of the rest. Tommy and I caught the train to Atlantic City at 8:52.

We made it to our room in Absecon at noon on July 3. Budgetel Inn was nice. Since Tommy didn’t sleep on Saturday night, I recommended taking a nap before going to the beach. I am normally not a napper, but I’ve sort of become one since dating him. We both fell asleep for two hours – even though I was able to sleep in Hunting Park, it wasn’t a restful sleep and Absecon was more restful.

Tommy and I caught the bus and made it to the beach at 3:30. On the way to the beach, Tommy found an abandoned tent. He grabbed it and set it up. It was a great tent to have drinks and listen to music after some swimming. The water was freezing cold. We braved the water for an hour, then chilled and listened to Kim Petras (and other rap songs) for an hour and a half. The sea breeze was lovely.

Had a nice dinner at Hard Rock Cafe, then walked the beach. The beach was misty and we were able to watch the sun set. It was high tide and Tommy made sure we made it off the beach by then. Steel Pier was next on our list and we spent the rest of the evening there. Tommy tried the weights twice and the first time, he made it with 1 second left. He let go. I think they should have given it to him. Tommy was determined to do it again and that time, face the crowd. Big mistake. He’s not one for a lot of attention and that made him nervous. He did worse the second time around. He did better when he turned away from the audience. I’m proud of him and next time we go back, he will try again.

Steel Pier was crowded. We were able to ride the swings and the Ferris wheel. We are both afraid of heights, but the cars were closed and had a safety door. For $15/each, it was safe, and we felt okay. When we were at the top, we held one another and kissed. Much better; cuddling and kissing really does ease height anxiety.

July 4. My 33rd birthday. We went to bed at 1am and before we fell asleep, he said, “Happy 33rd birthday, my love.” We both slept better; Absecon was quiet and the inn was comfortable. We could both rest easy, so much so that we both woke up at 9:30 am.
We stretched and Tommy walked over to his luggage, then handed me a hot pink gift bag. “Happy birthday, sweetie. Sorry if it’s a little smooshed.”
Of course, I opened the card first. That made me verklempt. However, the gifts inside really surprised me. Verklempt! So beautiful and thoughtful.

I gave him a big hug and kiss; thanked him and told him that I really do appreciate everything he does for me. He keeps me safe, he loves me, and has just been awesome in general. Our relationship isn’t always easy, but it’s real, and we both love and respect one another.
One of my co-workers from the County, sent me a text message to wish me a happy birthday. She’s from Albania and I love her fashion sense. I sent her this photo and asked her what colour top would best go with the necklace. She recommended yellow. After the beach, Tommy and I agreed to go to the Hamilton Mall so I could go to Torrid to buy an outfit for my birthday, which went with the jewelry he gave me.
Beach day! Tommy left the tent at the beach the day before and I’m glad he did. We couldn’t carry it back. We set up the beach blanket, smothered on the sun screen and I went swimming. Tommy decided to learn more Polish since the water might have been too cold for him. I had my wet suit on, so the water wasn’t as cold for me. I swam for a half an hour, then went back to sit with Tommy. I learned some more Polish and we went swimming together. Well, Tommy didn’t, it was cold for him, but he did get waist deep, went crabbing, found some shells, and watched me splash around. Before we had enough of the water, I asked him, “would you like to take photos of your model girlfriend?” He once told me that I should be a model, and he’s honoured that he has a model girlfriend. It’s our little joke. He did take some photos.

I brought dad’s film camera and had some older beach goers take some photos of us. I can’t wait to get those developed and I will share them once they are.
We headed back to the blanket and Tommy called his grandma. His grandma said that she told his grandpa that we were in town. He invited us to miniature golf in Brigantine. I was able to meet his grandpa and he gave us three free games. What a warm man, and we had fun golfing. We didn’t keep score, we just had fun and shared a lot of laughter. It was a great few hours.

After, we went to the mall and I found a lovely marigold shirt at Torrid. I also found a white dress, ripped jean shorts, and a Nirvana t-shirt. The mall was empty and a lot of stores were closing at 5, instead of 6.
When we made it back to Absecon, we went to an old style Pizza Hut. At one point they had gluten-free pizza, but they removed it from the menu a few weeks ago. I ordered 12 wings and fries, and Tommy ordered a hand tossed pizza. Spongebob was on and we had fun watching that until our food came out.

A family came in and the little girl and boy noticed our skateboards after I complimented the little girl’s shirt. I wish I took photos of the kids on the skateboard; I let them ride mine. They were awesome and had fun skating around Pizza Hut. The little girl asked me where we were from, so I told her that we were from Philadelphia and in town for my birthday. The little girl and boy both wished me a happy birthday, then the little girl screamed out to her mom, who was ordering, that it was my birthday. Their mother wished me a happy birthday. It was a really friendly experience.
Out of Pizza Hut by 9 pm and made our way to Atlantic City. We watched the fireworks on the beach, then walked around for a bit after. I was nervous about riding the skateboard on the boardwalk, so I practiced and held on. Tommy did ride, while I continued to practice.
The wings weren’t gluten-free at all. I got sick on the beach while we were watching fireworks. Tommy used the rest of his money to buy a weed vape and got very high. I asked to try it and it relaxed me. That was the only good thing to happen on the worst birthday ever.
I took Thursday and Friday off to spend some time with my love. We decided to get an Air BNB in Drexel Hill; and I’m glad Air BNB didn’t catfish us! The room looked as it was listed. I arrived at 3 PM and was greeted by a big black cat, and a tuxedo cat. I fell instantly in love.
Tommy didn’t arrive until 3:45 PM and I loved playing with the cats until he arrived. The cats loved my company, too. Once Tommy walked through the door, we embraced. After a week and a half of not seeing each other, it felt great. I asked him how work was going, how it felt to get a first paycheck, and the excitement of starting a new job. I told him what was going on at my jobs.
Gosh, I love him and was so thankful to be able to take a mini vacation with him for a few days.
At 6 PM, we went to dinner. Tommy used to work at Pica’s and since they now have gluten-free pizza options, I seconded. Drexel Hill was only a 10 minute Uber ride from Pica’s in Upper Darby. Unlike the first time we went at the end of February, it wasn’t crowded. Probably because it was a weeknight and people are away. Tommy and I were seated right away.
I ordered a fruit spritzer and a gluten-free mushroom pizza; he ordered a Shirley Temple and a large pepperoni pizza. Tommy told me some more stories from when he worked at Pica’s, especially the basement that looks like a dungeon. I would love to see it because I can only imagine.

After Pica’s, we decided to go bowling. Tommy wanted to go to Wynnewood Lanes in Haverford. Unfortunately, when we arrived, leagues were going on and we couldn’t bowl until 9:30 PM. It was 8:15. We decided to stay and watch the leagues. During one of the games, one of the bowlers scored a 298, an almost perfect score. I asked if I could take a photo and he agreed. That started a dialog and he turned out to be friendly. He chatted with us until their game was over.

He talked us into joining a league in the future. Tommy and I will think about it, of course, because it’ll depend on work schedules. We were called over and a lane opened up. Needless to say, I need a lot of bowling practice! Tommy did well.

We bowled until 10:15. We beat the rain storms, and we headed back to Drexel Hill with the stars shining brightly. We held hands and we talked more about joining a league. It would be a great way to spend time together, and learn as well.
When Tommy and I got back to the Air BNB and after a shower, I showed him the black and white film photos from the Pride Parade in June, our nature walk in mid-June, and our Atlantic City trip for my birthday. He smiled as he looked through them, which made my heart smile too. Baymax was also on and you know how much I love Baymax.

This is why I take photos and scrapbook. I love sharing the memories. We ended the evening watching Baymax, then we said went to bed.

On Friday morning, I woke up earlier than Tommy per usual. I cuddled with him for a little bit, but at 9:30 I decided to scrapbook a little. I spread out on my half of the bed, as Tommy snoozed.

After 45 minutes, I decided to stretch my legs and I walked downstairs. I saw the two cats and the big fat black cat followed me back to our room. He was interested in scrapbooking. I decided to e-mail our host, to ask about the cats’ names. She replied: all black cat is Kentae, and the Tuxedo cat is Taemar. Kentae became my best friend and scrapbooking buddy. Kentae also loved Tommy.

Taemar liked us too, but he was more skittish than Kenta. It took him some time to warm up and he mostly stayed downstairs.

We finally ventured out at 12:30. We went food shopping to get ingredients for dinner, as well as some other snacks. Friday night date night in. Since we are trying to save some money, I’ve been cooking for our get-togethers. I was going to make us gluten-free quesadillas.
http://www.glutenfreehabit.com/gluten-free-chicken-quesadillas-recipe.html

Tommy decided to build a little stove for us to take to Darby Creek. I loved watching him build it. Kentae did as well.

After Tommy finished, we took the trolley to Drexeline and walked to Darby Creek. We went swimming and built a campfire.

When it started to rain, we went back to our Air BNB. I cooked us dinner and Tommy really enjoyed it. He said, “you really love to cook, don’t you?” He smiled when I said, “yes and I love cooking for you. Can’t wait to do this on a more full-time basis.”

We met the other guests that were staying in Nicole’s Air BNB. They both commented how delicious my quesadillas smelled. I offered to cook them some, but they already had dinner.
After that chat, Tommy and I went to our room. I asked him to contribute to the sn@p album I’m making of our March Brigantine/A.C. weekend. He said, “babe, you know I’m not a strong writer.” I asked him to dictate his story to me and as he massaged my back, I wrote down his story. I had him read it when he was done and he was impressed.

Kentae then joined us for selfies and movie night.

Tommy and I watched Carnival of Souls first. This was his first time seeing that movie and he enjoyed it. He found the colourized version of Night of the Living Dead. I watched the first 35 minutes, but was feeling tired and fell asleep.

Sometimes we all have to make difficult decisions and while they are not entirely joyful, they can lead to it in the future.
On Monday night I broke up with Tommy. I’m grateful for the almost 9 months we were together; I grew and I learned to trust more. However, all of this pulling away is too much for me. I simply outgrew the relationship.
I’m grateful for the lessons he taught me – he helped me open up, especially about the rape, and realize that I can be loved even though something horrible has happened to me and I can be loved even with PTSD.

While I tried, his Asperger’s made it extremely difficult. I was often doing all the compromising and I felt like a babysitter. This was his 10th time pulling away in 8 months.
I feel more relief than anything. All I can say is that I hope that he finds his way. I’m grateful for the lessons and growth from 8 months together. Upward and onward.
I received a lot of nice comments, I’ll share a few with you:
We learn from our relationships. Sending hugs. I am glad you are looking at it in a positive light
(My reply: Heidi, thank you. Since I went through something really traumatic almost 9 years ago, he really helped me learn how to trust and open up to others.)
Hugs! I know this was tough for you to decide and am happy you’re feeling some relief. Exactly right, upward and onward
As long as you’re okay! I know he meant a lot to you, but you have to take care of you first! I’m here if you need to talk
I’m thankful for all the kind words. I’ve cried many times in the last few months, especially when I found out what his wandering eye was capable of, and now I just feel relief. I’m grateful for my courage.
I’m still chatting with Brian and we’ve been chatting a lot for the past three days. We have a lot in common and I’m grateful I met him.
I’m also thankful for family, friends, and co-workers. What are you grateful for today?


Tommy asked for the last and final break on 4 August 2023. I was upset, but I decided to live life on my own terms and I’m glad I did.
On Saturday I decided to visit the Philadelphia Museum of Art, for a day of self care. While I was there, I saw a guy wearing a Rammstein shirt with the lyrics to “Du Hast” written out. We got talking and that talking turned into an hour and a half chatting about music, Beavis and Butthead, life experiences, that we realized we had some things in common. I thought it was awesome that he was seeing Roger Waters, he had an extra ticket and Brian invited me to see Roger Waters with him.
We decided to grab a late lunch, early dinner and before we did, we took a walk around the art museum and took photos of the Center City skyline. He did agree to a selfie with me.

We went to Rotten Ralph’s for a late lunch/early dinner. They had gluten-free options, so I had shrimp tacos and he had a Reuben, which is one of my favourites too. This was both of our first times at Rotten Ralph’s. We enjoyed it. It felt great to share conversation about topics we were both interested in. He let me talk and I let him talk.
Brian is also a freelance photographer, and he does work full-time for a company (not photography). We walked around Old City, I gave him a little tour, and we had fun taking photos. Brian and I shared a lot of laughter during this time, and even met a nice woman who saw we were hot and parched, who offered us water. Brian decided not to go to the piercing place and I would meet him back at Red Owl Tavern.

I got pierced and had my friend pierce me. I was telling him about everything and I said, “I’m on a break with my boyfriend. He’s single and he said he wants to be single. I’m free to do whatever I want.” Zach nodded his head in agreement and said, “have fun with the new guy! Sounds really nice and sounds like you’ll have a kick ass time!”

Brian knew Tommy pulled away and I told him that he says he wants to be single. Anyway, I texted Brian and let him know I was on my way back. When I got back, he was lounging and asked me how the piercing went. I showed him. Brian thought it looked awesome.
About 30 minutes later, he ordered Lyft and we headed to the Wells Fargo Center. Since he bought us dinner, I bought us some drinks. That was the agreement. The show started at 8:30 and it was amazing. Brian and I have the same favourite Pink Floyd songs and we sang to each other. It felt so good to be able to go to a concert and sing with the person I went with. We both smiled at each other as we sang, and I won’t lie, my heart fluttered.


he show ended at 11:30 and we took the subway back to Center City. The bars were crowded, so I ordered a Lyft back to where he was saying and we had a drink at my favourite restaurant, Red Owl, which is part of the hotel he was staying in. I ordered a Spayside and he had a shot of Jim Bean. We toasted to a great evening and wonderful memories.

Brian and I hugged. He wanted me to check in when I got home, to make sure I made it safely. We agreed to keep in touch and we’ve been in touch.

On Monday I went into Sunoco to pick up a package and I was curious about what happened to one of the clerks. I asked the new clerk, he explained to me that the other one was fired, and he gave me his phone number. I texted Dave and we met for ice cream yesterday. He agreed to a selfie. It was so nice to reconnect. I used to talk to him every time I went into Sunoco to pick up my Amazon packages. Yesterday’s ice cream outing was fun. Total Happiness Box moment.

I’m seeing Dave again tomorrow. I have a date on Saturday evening with someone from Facebook dating. We’re meeting at an Asian fusion place. I’m excited for that as well.
On Friday, David picked me up from work and we came back here, for Netflix and cuddling. We watched Cobra Kai, but it was mostly just catching up. It felt nice to cuddle with him. We added each other on SnapChat and he agreed to a selfie. He hates the Snapchat filters, and he didn’t realize that I snuck in a devil filter selfie. Total Happiness Box moment.
David also noticed my photo with Monoxide and Jamie. He asked me, “where you at their concert at the TLA in 2014? I’m friends with one of bands that opened for them and that concert was awesome.” I told him I was and we reminisced about that show. He likes Twiztid too. We both love death and heavy metal, as well.

David came again on Saturday morning for breakfast and cuddling. He enveloped me into a hug, gave me nose boops and nose kisses. It was nice. I didn’t want him to leave, and he didn’t really want to leave either. He wants to see me again. David also said he doesn’t mind photos of us either. Another Happiness Box moment.
I look forward to seeing where this all goes.

On Saturday evening, I went on a date with Andrew. We matched on Facebook dating and he seemed nice. We agreed to go to Wild Rice in King of Prussia and he made sure there were gluten-free options. Andrew and I had a lovely date, but I was too nervous to ask if he minded I take photos for the Happiness Box Project.
I mentioned this on Sunday to Andrew, and when he asked me out on a second date, he said, “take as many photos as you want. It’s a shame we didn’t get photos on Saturday with how amazing we both looked, but especially you. Your Happiness Box Project sounds neat too.”
Andrew picked me up from work yesterday and we went to Harriet Wetherill Park in Plymouth Meeting. It felt great to hold hands, surround ourselves in the early autumn beauty of nature, and just chat. I was able to take some pretty nice photos too.

After, we went to Gangster Vegan; Andrew thought it would be nice to have dessert after our Rosh Hashanah meal.
We got back to Terry’s and I warmed up the brisket I made. Brisket and salad. Andrew enjoyed the meal and it was his first time celebrating Rosh Hashanah.

I’m so glad that he liked the brisket. Andrew even said, “don’t ever worry about your diet with me. I’ll eat gluten free and kosher. I just want to make sure you’re healthy.”
I’m not verklempt, you’re verklempt. I’m very verklempt and grateful. Total Happiness Box moment indeed, and Andrew is happy to be part of it.

On Saturday, Andrew, his friends, and I went to the Simpson’s pop-up at the Springfield Mall in Delaware County, PA. It was fun and I liked his friends.


Andrew is a very nice guy. However, yesterday I was honest with him. After three dates, I didn’t feel a spark and honestly, I made a choice in who I want to get to know more. I was honest even more: I hate playing the field and would rather focus on one person. He respected my honesty, but was upset because he did want to court me. You can’t force attraction. I also don’t like leading people on, especially when they’re trying too hard to date.
Every day is a new lesson. This seems to be a recurrent lesson, but it’s one I’m finally learning. Everyone has an opinion. Many people also love to tell you what you should do with your life. At the end of the day, you really need to do what is best for yourself. Only you really know.

I took a break from Facebook dating. I really hate playing the field. Me personally, I don’t need to date a lot of people for research or whatever my 75 year old friend suggested. I truly believe there is nothing wrong with dating one person at a time and getting to know them. If it works out, great, but if it doesn’t, keep trying.

On Monday, I met David for lunch. We went to Frosty Falls and had a water ice lunch. It was raining, he had his heater blasting, and we ate, then cuddled to heavy metal music. We both love the same type of music and the same musicians.
As we were cuddling and listening to music, we were talking for a bit too. David kissed my head, then I looked up at him and we kissed. He snuck in some Eskimo kisses too. That was adorable. We both laughed and smiled.
The rain finally stopped, so we were able to take a short walk around the Schuylkill River, which was in the back of Frosty Falls. I’m glad the rain stopped and I’m glad we could walk together. I’m also glad that David agreed to a few selfies. I took the one, but realized I didn’t get the Schuylkill in the back. David offered to take the second selfie. Awww.

I had to get back to work. We didn’t really want to leave, but David dropped me back off at the Courthouse. Before we parted ways, we shared a sweet kiss.

Yesterday I ventured into Philadelphia to go to the Harvest Festival at Dilworth Plaza. What fun and of course, I had to do a photo shoot of sorts. So thankful for the two lovely people who took these photos with my camera. There was also an Irish shop and I bought a Claddagh ring.

After, I went skateboarding. I met Ryan. He did give me some pointers, but told me to check out the Braille Skateboarding YouTube channel. I did and I wish I would have known about that from the beginning. I skated with Ryan for a bit and then we just hung out and talked. I also met Drew, who also gave me some pointers. She’s been skating for a while, but started learning tricks last year. I’m finally getting my balance and I’m starting to cruise a little. It was nice not being yelled at and it was nice hearing, “this stuff takes time. You’re doing great.”

Ryan gave me his phone number and I texted him. I know I said I was going to focus on one person, well, that list went back to two. I saw the other person I like on Saturday and we watched The Shining. We also cuddled and fell asleep in each others’ arms for a bit. That was nice. Anyway, Ryan texted me this morning and asked me on a date. I said yes. He knows I am seeing two people and he said, “we can always be friends. You inspired me yesterday with your journey and I want to spend more time with you.”
I’ll be seeing Ryan on Friday, before the KMFDM concert. He’s going to treat me to dinner, but it’ll be a surprise. He wants to surprise me before the show.
Yes, Ryan knows about two others and the two others know I am dating until I go exclusive. I like being honest with people.

Wow, we’re almost half-way through October and only 18 more days away from Halloween! This year has flown by and it has been an interesting year so far. With that said, I have a lot to be thankful for today.
Yesterday, David picked me up from work for a walk around the Schuylkil River. En route to Frosty Falls, he asked me if we wanted to be exclusive. I said, “absolutely!” We both agreed to take it slow and see what happens. We’re both on cloud 9 and super excited. I’m so glad he asked because it was him who I wanted. I told Ryan and the other guys. Happy to be dating exclusively and I’m so thankful for my partner.

Today, David picked me up for lunch at the Halal Guys. He’s never had food from there and he always wanted to try it. We split a chicken and beef gyro platter. Since I am gluten free, we couldn’t get the actual gyro. He was happy with the platter and ate the pita bread. Feels so nice to be with someone who likes the same foods as me. I felt really grateful to be enjoying lunch with someone I adore.
I’m not going to be blogging a lot about this. I learned my lesson the last time. While it doesn’t mean I’m not happy, it’s quite the opposite, I feel the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time, I just want to protect our privacy. I want to enjoy David and the moments I will be sharing with him.
When I got home today, Sonali, one of my Indian pen pals, sent me a beautiful card. It took a month to get here, but I am grateful it arrived. With COVID-19 still impacting mail services, I’m really thankful. I’ll have to reply to her (and Christina). It’s so nice to be thought of.

My new role is coming along great and I was given more duties to do. I’ve been receiving excellent training and I am grateful. I’m also grateful for the library. I’m grateful for my friends and family and my health.
Thursday, again!? I can’t believe it’ll be Halloween in 11 days and then there will be two more months until I open Happiness Box 2022. I started working on Happiness Box 2021’s scrapbook again, with David’s encouragement, but it’s not going to be as ornate as other years. 2021 was a weird year, and I know 2022 will also have some weirdness too.
I shared this with David already; I shared with him my Thankful Thursday exercise. I told him I was very thankful for him and he said he was very grateful for me. I truly am – not only has he been encouraging me with Happiness Box 2021, but NaNoWriMo as well. I return the favour – I listen to him and I also encourage him as well. We lift each other up.
Yesterday was my 1 month with the Public Defender’s and I had my one month review.
I’m doing well, I’m autonomous and independent. Everyone enjoys my positive attitude and the attorneys I research for are really happy with how I work. I’ve helped them a lot. T said, “you’re so kind! Are you sure you’re not a serial killer?” We laughed and laughed.
He also said, “I don’t know what happened with the DA, but they lost a valuable employee. I’m glad you are on our team now.”
Today has been such a great day. I feel like I’m finding my fit and it feels good. I’m sorry if I’ve been over-the-top cheery for the past few weeks. It just feels so good to be in my elements, and appreciated, and loved.

Self Care Day | 7 November 2022
7 November 2022 marked nine years. While my PTSD score dropped this year, I still dread 7 November. I took a day off from the Public Defender’s and spent the morning in Philadelphia. I decided to go to Rittenhouse Square Park and I’m glad I did. It was a 78 degree day and I met other photographers. They chatted with me and we shared some tips and tricks. It felt great to shoot photos of Autumn in Philadelphia.

A gentleman was walking his dog and his dog absolutely loved me. He stayed with me for about 10 minutes; it felt great to have some puppy love on my self-care day.
I also met Yvonne, someone new to the area and new to photography. We chatted for a good 15 minutes and she agreed to a DSLR selfie. We exchanged e-mail addresses, and hopefully we’ll keep in touch. Yvonne was telling me about some Philadelphia Photography meetups and I’m interested.
I made a tattoo appointment at Olde City Tattoo for 12:30. When I arrived, I met my artist, John, he had me review the design he came up with. It was beautiful.
John placed the design on my back, had me lay on the table, and an hour, fifteen minutes later I had my new tattoo. I enjoyed chatting with John about music and we commented on the black metal playlist that was blasting throughout the shop. We also talked about art. I was impressed with John’s work and I will definitely be going back to him. My new back piece reminds me that it’s only a chapter, not the whole story.

While getting a tattoo is always exciting, I couldn’t wait for part two of my self-care day.
Nine years ago yesterday, a rather evil person violated and almost murdered me. Nine years ago yesterday, this person told me I was ugly, lame, and that no one would ever love me. I lived with that for so long and I finally learned that he was a liar.
This was the first anniversary that I’m in a relationship and the first anniversary where I spent it with someone loving, and someone who cherishes me. And I spent it with someone I cherish and honour as well.
David couldn’t spend the whole day with me, but he picked me up at the Norristown High Speed Line station and we went to Valley Forge Park. I was happy to see the autumn colours and that the trees still had leaves. I loved driving around the park with David, and I loved looking at the battlefield, while listening to anime theme songs. David is starting to get me back into watching anime,
Once we found a spot, I laid out the beach blanket I brought. I wanted to bring a heavier blanket, but since it was 78 degrees, a beach blanket worked. It felt wonderful just to be held, to lay on the beach blanket I brought, watch the clouds, watch the leaves, and just talk. Even in the moments of silence, I closed my eyes and cuddled him closely. I’m very grateful for this man. This was the highlight of self-care day.

David took me out to dinner at the King of Prussia Mall and we shared a sushi meal. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how yesterday would go and I was a bit nervous, but it went very well. He’s been checking in on me for the past few days. Beyond grateful. I’m counting my blessings.

NaNoWriMo Write-In | Town Center Books, Collegeville, PA | 20 November 2022
Although I won NaNoWriMo at 50,000 words, I decided to finish out the month of November. I’m at 63,882 words now and I’m glad I attended the write-in yesterday.
On 20 November 2022, I attended a NaNoWriMo write-in through the Montgomery County Writing Group. It was held at Town Center Books. I felt welcomed within the group. There were eight writers in attendance and the write-in was fun. The writing exercises we did involved playing cards. Each round, we timed the card we picked by 10. That’s how many words we had to write.

Let me share with you what I wrote yesterday:
After I left the apartment, I went back to the hotel. I walked back and the rain dissipated. The skies were still gray and I did look like a drowned rat still, but when I saw the sign “Welcome to Roseville” I had to take a selfie in front of the sign. Scrapbooking purposes, even if I looked gross.
When I got back to the hotel, I took a shower. I decided to go to the Detroit Zoo and as I dried off, I logged onto my laptop and looked at the directions. The Zoo was in Royal Oak and I had to catch the bus elsewhere. I needed a haircut and I Googled the closest one. Fortunately, the closest barbershop was near the bus stop of the bus I needed to catch.
The lady who trimmed my hair did an okay job, but she didn’t wash my hair beforehand. Just a spray bottle and blunt cut, half an inch. It took her all of fifteen minutes to do my hair. I was easy peasy lemon squeezy. I waited for the SMART bus and I sat down under the bus stop sign. Roseville looked run down and desolate in this part, it was matching how I felt. Truly, how I’ve felt for these past six months.
I arrived at the Detroit Zoo 45 minutes later and it reminded me of the Philadelphia Zoo. Since this was my last visit before I headed home—my train left at 8pm—I rode the train around the Zoo, took photographs of myself and the scenery as I passed by. Once off the train, I found a carousel and had to ride. I was the only one riding and I took a photograph of myself in the mirror.
I stayed until the Zoo closed and I called a cab to take me to Socratea. Socratea was in Downtown Detroit and I knew it would be closer to the Amtrak station. Socratea just opened and the shop smelled brand new. Since this was four years before my Celiac diagnosis, I ordered a blueberry scone along with oolong tea. Both were soothing to the soul. I asked the female owner if she was hiring. I told her that I was planning to move to Detroit and I was looking for a job. Socratea wasn’t hiring yet, but she took my name and my number; she’d call me once they were hiring again.
I knew that the blueberry scone and tea wasn’t enough to hold me through my journey back to Philadelphia. Socratea was located next to a vegan restaurant, I decided to go there. I ordered baba ganouj and a locally brewed beer. It filled my belly.
I had a cab pick me up. I didn’t want to walk around Detroit as the sun was beginning to set. I arrived at the Amtrak station a half an hour before my bus was scheduled to depart. The beer made me feel a little drunk and I still felt drunk by the time I boarded the bus. I put on my iPod and that 90 minutes feel like a blur to me. I was in Cleveland in no time at all. Fortunately, there wasn’t much of a wait like my journey en route to Detroit; the train to Pittsburgh was at the station fifteen minutes later.
When I boarded the Amtrak train, I found a seat next to the window. I was exhausted and I loved watching Cleveland pass me by. The city skyline looked gorgeous at night and I thought about asking Christina to show give me a tour—maybe we could take a girls’ trip once I moved. A young man sat down next to me and we started chatting. He had his cat with him—he was heading to Pittsburgh, he was moving in with his girlfriend. He couldn’t wait to get out of Ohio, although he thought that they’d eventually move out of Pittsburgh too. After all, Pittsburgh is considered to be part of the Midwest and part of the Rust Belt.
I told him that I was hoping to move to Detroit, specifically Roseville. I blabbed on about my trauma and how I wanted a new start. I felt so unhappy in King of Prussia, even Philadelphia. I told him that moving would help me feel better. We both fell asleep until the announcement a few hours later that we were in Pittsburgh. “Thank you for riding Amtrak.” We gathered our belongings, wished each other well and went on our merry ways.
I made it back home on Friday morning, around 10:30, 11. I was happy to be home surprisingly. I told my parents about the trip after I unpacked. I felt hopeful, but that hopeful feeling wouldn’t last very long.
I deactivated my personal Facebook in June 2014 because of negativity. Social media tends to make me depressed, but I love Instagram and Twitter to an extent; I didn’t want to give up Instagram because I love photography and it’s not the platform to bully like Facebook is. I want to make my Instagram as positive as possible. Facebook was also eating up my time and it was becoming a platform that I would just air my unhappiness. I’m going to work on this since I am a people pleaser to the extreme. I wouldn’t stop helping people, but I would cut back and look at what their true motivations are.
I’m ashamed to admit this as I look at this in hindsight, but this goes to show my anger of that time period. My cousin Matthew graduated from Upper Merion Area High School on 10 June 2014. Six years to the day after I graduated from Upper Merion Area High School. Anyway, I was a short fuse. That night a family accused my uncle of doing something. The events are hazy, as I was too much in my anger. This woman was the match that set my fuse off. I became belligerent, got into her face, started screaming at her, and threatened her. I’m grateful that she didn’t press charges and my family had to subdue me. Everyone was shocked; the once sweet and pleasant Jess was now an angry and mean Jess.
After NaNoWriMo ends on 30 November 2022, I’m going to take a break for a few months. I hope to finish my memoir, but I know I will add more eventually. I’ll also proofread the manuscript after the three month break. I eventually want to query “The Comeback” and I want to get “The Comeback” legitly published.

Ronin with David | 20 November 2022
David picked me up after my write-in and we spent a few hours together.
Always so nice driving through Valley Forge Park at sunset, then stopping for a selfie or two.
Saturday was our one month. He said to me, “I’m not used to going by months. Never did that before.”
I said to him, “after what happened to me, I wasn’t really sure if I’d ever date again or feel comfortable with someone who was more than a friend. It’s a celebration. I choose each day as a celebration.” He smiled at me and said, “that is so beautiful, babe.”
I’m so grateful for him. I’m beyond grateful for this man.

We were both hungry and David wanted me to try Ronin. Ronin is a Japanese restaurant in East Norriton. Ronin was soooo good. My salmon and red snapper sushi were amazeballs and his Godzilla roll looked amazing too.

Next weekend I told him I would treat him to Devil’s Den in Philadelphia. He’s looking forward to it.



Scrapbooking with David | 15 January 2023
David and I had a scrapbook date on Sunday. It reminded him so much of his mom, except that she was a mask maker. David’s mom died in August 2021 from cancer. He said, “you and mom would have been the best of friends.” I loved hearing him talk about his mother as we worked on our layouts. I also loved telling him the kinds of crafts Nan did. Of course, we also talked about what we were scrapbooking. Sunday afternoon with Chris and Verne. Such lovely memories, and more laughter.

He’s not much of a journalist, but what he wrote has me verklempt.

We had a great time. So grateful that David helped me contribute to our holiday scrapbook.
I posted about our scrapbooking date on my scrapbook groups. This is what ladies in the Crafting in the Girl Cave had to say about our date:

I agree with them. This was such a special moment, and a great bonding activity. I shared this with David and their comments made him blush. He agrees too; we both agree that we’re each other’s special blessing.
I decided to include a special thanks at the end of my holiday scrapbook. This moment from Sunday is too precious not to include.

I’m beyond grateful for David and his friends. After work, David picked me up to do some errands, then I went back to his house. I’m grateful his friends welcome me and they want to go to the Lunar New Year parade on Sunday. His friends aren’t normally morning people, but they will be setting their alarms and practicing. They want to experience a Lunar New Year parade and they’re willing to get up early. I’m not verklempt, you are.
David’s mom’s cat also warmed up to me. She is normally skittish and hasn’t warmed up to many people since his mom died. David said I’m a lot like his mom and I guess Lucy sensed it too. I let her smell me for a bit, then once she slinked over to me, I offered Lucy a toy. Lucy saw that as a friendly gesture and let me pet her. I was able to pet her for a good 5 minutes. David was a little teary eyed. I was too. Today is also our 3 months.






“The journey, not the arrival, matters.” ~T.S. Eliot

In the 9 months since David and I started seeing each other, and in the 8 months since we started dating, we’ve done some travelling. David is still getting used to it since travel was never his family’s thing and he didn’t always have the funds.

I have to thank Alli for introducing me to travel in 2011. While she studied in Peru while we were in college and spent summers teaching there, I decided to check out Green Bay, WI. I took my first solo trip in 2011 and I was hooked on exploration. Many states and adventures through Canada later, I’m happy to have a partner by my side. While I loved travelling solo, I love having David by my side. I love introducing him to new places, new foods, new everything. This is a new experience for me too.

In 2023, we have travelled to a few places. I’m going to share the stories in the following pages. David and I had the time of our lives, had romantic weekends away, and got to know each other more intimately while building a sense of adventure.
 
Harrisburg with David
10-11 February 2023

Our first overnight trip was a success. We were nervous for naught and once we were on the road en route to Harrisburg, our nerves settled down.

I was the navigation unit and once we got past the tolls, it was 78 miles of straight highway. David and I held hands for a bit, and chatted a lot. Heavy metal also was our soundtrack and his Spotify playlist played songs I haven't listened to in a while.

We made it Harrisburg at 1:45 PM, and our Air BNB check in was at 2. We were able to check in early and both David and I were amazed with this house. As soon as you walked into the kitchen, there was an upstairs, but we quickly learned that past the living room was another stairwell, that stairwell would lead to our room on the third floor.

Our room reminded me of a bridal suite. It was gorgeous, comfortable, warm, and cozy. They had a fan, which we turned on. David and I both like cooler rooms. The day bed was interesting and we ended up relaxing for a few hours.

After a quick nap, we took a walk by the river and took photos. Our Air BNB was directly across from the river and the views were awesome. I know Harrisburg can be iffy, but the area where we stayed was really nice. When we were walking to the River Trail, one of the barbers saw my camera and started posing for photos. I took two photos of him and we all chatted for a bit. David and I told him we were from King of Prussia and Bridgeport. He was originally from Philadelphia and will be visiting on Sunday for the Super Bowl.

It was a warm February day and we were able to walk without a jacket. David is really good about taking photos with me and he helped me pick out some lovely spots for a photo shoot. I'm beyond grateful for David and we took a bunch of lovely photos. I really loved the ones of us looking out at the river. Some of them are over exposed, some are dark, but winter late afternoon sun can be a challenge. They still look great.

Went back to the Air BNB and I gave him his Valentine's Day gift. He knows what he's going to get me, and he'll surprise me next time he gets paid. Movie Tavern cut his hours and as I told him, "every day is Valentine's Day. I can't wait to be surprised whenever." He smiled. David absolutely loved his gifts and the card I found him made him tear up a bit. Happy tears, of course.

I cooked us a lamb steak for dinner. I was going to cook it in the oven and after 25 minutes, I realized the gas oven didn't light. We couldn't figure it out, so I used the gas range instead.

David helped me and as he was going to set the table, he realized there was only one fork and a bunch of spoons. I looked in the sink and it was a bunch of spoons, no other forks.

He let me take the fork and said he would eat his dinner with a spoon. I said, "are you sure? I could take the spoon."

"No, you eat with the fork."

We couldn't find any other steak knives, so we shared the knife. He loved the lamb, and we couldn't help but laugh about the absurdity of eating with a spoon. We laughed for the entire dinner.

I think of "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisette as I type this story. "All you need is a knife, but there's 10 thousand spoons." We needed forks as well.

This is love and I'm grateful.














The metal show was at JB Lovedraft in Downtown Harrisburg. JD Lovedraft was also awesome. I had no intention of moshing and David was trying to be careful of his sprain, but we both got pulled in during Casket Maker's performance and definitely during Flesh of the Lotus. It got nuts during Flesh of the Lotus. I was trampled on, I was kicked in the knees, I was punched, and punched in the chest. My chest is still a little sore. However, David and I both laughed and said, "it wouldn't be a metal show if we didn't mosh." Since things got crazy during Flesh of the Lotus, a wet floor cone went flying and a group of people wouldn't calm down. I was on alert. We left after Ground, we had enough.















We got back to the Air BNB and got ready for bed. Since it was well past midnight and since Saturday was Promise Day of Valentine's Day week, I made my promise to him: that I will always take care of him and love him unconditionally. He made a similar promise to me: he'll take care of me, protect me, and love me unconditionally. David also told me that he's going to be doing a lot of firsts with me as well: he's not used to traveling and he can't wait to travel with me. David and I will be doing firsts together. :) We happy cried in each others arms and just held onto one another.


Before we fell asleep, David said to me, "didn't you want to get a selfie of our first sleep over?" I sent him a Catana comic earlier in the week where Catana's husband takes a selfie of them cuddled up in bed and he makes it their phone's wallpaper. I totally forgot, but David remembered. I hugged him and we took a selfie of our first sleepover, all cuddled up. He remembered and that says a lot! David knows me too well. I'm rubbing off on him, and David said it best, "I stole your heart as you stole mine."

Saturday morning was much calmer. We had a nice breakfast at Yellow Bird Cafe before returning home. Me and an older woman sitting at the table next to us commented this one little girl and her red glasses. I know being different can be traumatic for children, so we both told her how pretty she looked in her red glasses, how sophisticated and fancy they were, and we asked her what good things the glasses brought her. She happily told us that she loves being able to see clearly when playing with friends and when reading. She smiled and we made her day.
 
The Special Gift

Last weekend David admitted to me that he never took pictures with his mama and he never took pictures of her. Before he dated me, he never really thought about photography and he often hated having photos taken. Since we are planning a future together, I want our future home to be filled with photos. I want to have a picture of Nan and I hanging up, and I wanted to have a picture of David and his mama to hang up, so that is why I asked.
My friend suggested making a photo for him and surprise him. Since David and his sister aren’t on speaking terms, I knew I needed to let David in on the surprise a bit. I borrowed his dad’s frame from his sister’s wedding day. The portrait has his mom and dad with his sister and her new husband. David had a photo with his sister posted and I could save it.
I can’t afford Photoshop, so I used Canva instead. I decided to create a brand new portrait for David. While it’s not perfect, I was worried about that he might think it was ugly. I reached out to some friends on Friday and they said, “Jess, it looks great for Canva. He’ll love it, especially since he doesn’t have a photo of him and his mom.” It looked better once I put it in the frame I picked up from Michaels.
I was planning on giving David his just because gift on Sunday, but we ended up seeing each other on Saturday. After an awful shift at the Movie Tavern on Friday night where lives were threatened, he took off. He needed the cheer. Absolutely loved it. David has the photo on his nightstand. He cried happy tears. He needed that.
I bought Erich French Vanilla, Snickerdoodle, and Coffee Liqueur and Cream coffees. I also picked up some Oolong tea for him.
On Saturday, I designed the gift bag. When David picked me up, we ran to Walmart and David picked up the Switch console that he wanted to get for Erich. We decided to put the Switch console in the bag with the coffees and tea. When Erich opened his gifts, he was pleasantly surprised.
On Sunday, we went to Volcano Hot Pot and BBQ in North Wales. It was our first time going, and at 6 PM, Erich, Justin, David and I had reservations. I’m glad I didn’t eat much of a breakfast and didn’t eat lunch because they charged $10 for anything that was left, no doggy bags. It was a buffet, so we had to portion out.
We left stuffed. David drove us to Norristown, where we picked up Devon, then we all went back to David’s house for video games. Before I left, we sang Happy Birthday to Erich. I made him a gluten-free birthday cake.

Last night David told me that Erich enjoyed everything and it was his best birthday ever. I also was told I’m now considered family.

I love planning and entertaining. However, I also have chronic illnesses and while these two things are fun, they’re also exhausting. I haven’t done birthday parties in a decade and I forgot how draining it could be. I get cranky when I am tired, but I told myself when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I wouldn’t let my condition stop me. 12 years on, I still feel that way, and I feel that way with Celiac disease thrown in.
I said this to David yesterday, “Love, I get grumpy when I’m tired, but please let me do things. I love celebrating y’all. “
He understands and he will also help me as well. That’s fine with me. Planning and entertaining together is a great bonding activity.
I’ve recouped and now I’m preparing for David’s 30th birthday on 26 April. We’re going to do a hot pot celebration at his house.

A few weeks ago, David and I talked about why cards matter to me. I told him this, “Okay. They’re important because I used to like looking at Nan’s cards from Grandpa C and even the letters. I never met him, so it was a way to know him a little, but I loved reading about their love.”
He replied, I feel bad now. Ima make it up to you.
He also told me that I’m not selfish or over the top. I’m not high maintenance at all. David also said, “you deserve to be taken care of too.”
I had an extra Valentine’s Day card and last week I asked David if he would mind filling it out. He didn’t mind at all. David filled it out last night. He made me promise not to read it until the morning. Last night, I put it next to my alarm clock. As soon as my alarm goes off at 5:50 AM, I’ll read it.
Ah, a nice surprise this morning as soon as the alarm woke me up at 5:50. The card brought happy tears to my eyes.

I’m beyond grateful. I put it in the scrapbook box.
David’s Surprise Birthday Trip

For the past few weeks, I was planning a surprise trip for David. He only knew we were going to New York, but he really had no idea where in New York we were going.
He’s not a morning person, but on Sunday he got up at 10 AM, and after a few photos under my blossoming Japanese maple tree, we were on our way by 11 AM.

When we were on the Turnpike, David asked where we were actually going. I decided to let him in on the surprise and I told him, “Brighton Beach and Coney Island!” David smiled and he was really surprised. His birthday is 26 April and it was an early birthday surprise.
We arrived at our Air BNB in Coney Island at 2 PM and Norbert let us check in early. I knew David was a bit tired from driving, especially since the highways into NYC were narrow and his anxiety was amped, so we had the gluten-free lunch I made and relaxed for a couple of hours. Norbert’s condo was beautiful and our room was really nice. Norbert and his wife were also friendly and welcoming.
It was sunny and 52 degrees Fahrenheit in Coney Island. Luna Park had a test run this past weekend and I took David to the amusement park. He didn’t feel like riding the rides since it was still too chilly for him, but he enjoyed walking around. Most of the roller coasters were opened and I’m not a fan of roller coasters. I only rode the swings and that was fun. David took pictures and videos of me riding those swings. After that ride, I brought my dad’s film camera (1980 Olympus) and I took photos of Luna Park. I asked the security guard if he could get a photo of us, which he did. His girlfriend was visiting and she asked me if I could take a photo of them. We exchanged Instagram accounts, and I told her the film photos would be available in a few weeks since they have to get developed. I picked up the film photos last Friday and sent her the photo.

After I took photos, we explored Luna Park some more. David knew I wanted to get photo booth photos and he spotted a photo booth, pointing it out to me. Sadly, the photo booth wasn’t turned on yet. Not every ride was opened either. I was disappointed, but there would be other opportunities. There was a cool mural in the park and David took some photos of me with my cellphone. I asked a young woman if she could take a photo of us next to this mural and she took a few. David and I thought that mural looked cool.

That was a fun hour and we spent another hour on the beach. It truly was a beautiful day and I managed to catch some rays. David and I walked around the beach, took some photos, and relaxed a bit. He thought it was peaceful.

Sunday night was gluten-free Ramen night. There was a Burmese restaurant, Rangoon, in Park Slope and David drove. It was about a 20 minute drive and the view of the sun setting behind the Verazano Bridge was gorgeous. Rangoon was delicious and when we go back in the summer, David is going to bring Erich with us. He thinks Erich would enjoy this spot. I ordered a glass noodle fish stew and David ordered a pork noodle. We were stuffed at the end, and our oysters didn’t come out until check out. We took them to go, along with a rice pudding I would have on Monday for breakfast.

I wanted to take David to Brooklyn Heights Promenade and that was our last stop before going back to our Air BNB in Coney Island. The view from Brooklyn Heights was breathtaking. I left my tripod in David’s car, but I found someone to take our photo. The tourist struggled with my camera a bit and his friend took videos of him struggling. I walked him through using my camera again and eventually we able to take a few photos of us. I thanked him. Another tourist walked by and I handed her my phone. Before we headed back to Coney Island, we sat and admired the sights, we meditated and the air was nice and cool.

Unfortunately, when we got back to our Air BNB, our room was hot. Norbert’s condo doesn’t have central heat or air, he has radiators. I’m not sure if other guests were cold and jacked up the heat, but our room was uncomfortable. David opened the windows and we were able to sleep after we watched Seven Deadly Sins on Netflix.

I woke up at 7:30 and I walked to the beach as David slept. I decided to take a polar plunge and the water felt great. It was 37 degrees on Monday morning, the ocean had to be about that temperature too. Someone walking the beach took photos for me and I was able to go up to my abdomen and I dunked my head into the waves. After the plunge, I wrapped myself in towels, sat on the beach for a bit, and meditated. Not very many people were there, and it was peaceful to listen to the waves and gulls. The beach is my happy place, regardless of the season. When I headed back to the Air BNB, two pigeons greeted me. Pigeons are one of my favourite birds and I loved seeing them.

I changed when I got back to the Air BNB and I decided to walk to the bodegas near us. I was hungry and I knew that rice pudding wouldn’t be enough for me. I walked to two different bodegas and the last one I walked into, they had mini bowels of GF cheerios. The clerk gave me a cup of milk, free of charge. When I got back to the Air BNB, David was awake. I had my breakfast, then we had the oysters and pudding. That was David’s first time having a raw oyster. I’ve been eating them since I was 6 years old and I showed him how to eat them. I also told him the sauce is delicious. David enjoyed the oyster.

Monday was Russian day. I wanted to show David the Riegleman Boardwalk and I wanted to give him a tour of Brighton Beach. We walked the boardwalk and made our way to Tatiana Café in Brighton Beach. David and I split a borscht and I wanted him to try the pelmeni. Pelmeni is meat filled Russian dumplings. I learned about them from my Russian Jewish group, except I had to make mine gluten-free. I knew I couldn’t get the pelmeni GF at Tatiana, David was excited to try them. He thought both the borscht and pelmeni were amazing. He also loved the compote drink. I’ll have to make the GF pelmeni for him some time. They almost reminded him of a crossover between a pierogi and wonton.

After lunch, we walked the beach and I showed him some of the Russian shops near the beach. Before we went to dinner at a Ukrainian restaurant, I would give him more tours of Brighton Beach off the beach. At this point, it was getting windy and it was a bit windy on the beach. I brought my ace flag, I wanted to get a photo on the beach and before Pride month, and while I was able to get it around me, it was a bit of a challenge. We also sat on the gazebo and keeping the flag still was a challenge. I managed and the pictures did come out nice.

We made it back to the Air BNB at 3:30 and we watched Sing 2 on Netflix, then Seven Deadly Sins. We wanted to relax before we walked back to Brighton Beach for dinner. I’m glad we did because when we headed out at 6:30, the wind was brutal. When we made it to Brighton Beach, I showed David the different Russian shops and buildings before we went to Skovorda for dinner.

David loved Skovorda and he and our waiter, Erich, really got along. Erich saw my back tattoo and loved it. He talked about the wings he has on our back and we made a few jokes. I’m glad David loved the Ukrainian restaurant because it is one of my favourites.

David didn’t feel like walking back and I suggested riding the subway. It was his first time riding the subway and I was his guide. I knew the subway and I knew how to get back to our Air BNB; we were staying two blocks from Stillwell Ave.

Since I am used to Brighton Beach and Stillwell Ave., I guided us back with no issue. David seemed to like the subway.

Tuesday was check out day and we checked out at 10:30 AM. That morning I found the Steeplechase Pier and meditated for a while. I brought David back, we took some photos and sat in meditation before we left.

We were going to go to DUMBO, but I didn’t realize it was DUMBO Heights since I’m used to taking transit in Brooklyn and Manhattan, so Google maps led us over the Manhattan Bridge. We couldn’t get back to DUMBO Heights and we walked China Town instead. We could see the Brooklyn Bridge from one of the parks in China Town and I took some lovely photos.

Unfortunately, David and I got stuck in Trump traffic and we saw some of the rallies as David was trying to get out of Manhattan. It took us about an hour to get out of Manhattan since a lot of the roads were closed because of the Trump mess. We were both relieved when we got out of Manhattan. We stopped in New Jersey at a rest stop to eat. We arrived back to David’s at 2:30 and I hung out with David and Erich for a few hours. We told Erich about our trip, then we relaxed. David let me play Persona 5 for a couple of hours, then we watched Fairy Tale.
It was a wonderful trip and David enjoyed his early birthday gift. He turns 30 on 26 April and I’m going to make him a sn@pbook of our trip for his birthday. We both took off on the 26th and Erich’s mom is taking us out to dinner. Then on 30 April, I’m ordering Mission BBQ and inviting a few of his friends. Nothing too big, as he likes to keep things simple, but it’s also something special since he’s turning 30. This party isn’t a surprise, but the trip sure was.


David’s First Passover

David and I celebrated our first Passover, then first Passover and Easter, together this weekend. It was his first time having a Seder, and he liked the Stonewall Seder we did on Sunday the best.
During the Stonewall Seder we had a few laughs. When David held the orange and started quoting Shakespeare “to be or not to be,” I broke. We both really liked how the afikomen didn’t have to be a hidden piece of matzo, it could be anything that has value to you and you could talk about your why. He said his guitar pick since he’s a musician, and I chose my camera. Then we both said, “we are each other’s afikomens.” Thus, resulting in this one afikomen picture, then an afikomen selfie.
We both took pictures.

Memorial Day in Brighton Beach

Ah, Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial start of summer. A few weeks ago, David, Erich, and I planned an overnight trip to Brighton Beach for Memorial Day Weekend. Since it would be the three of us, I rented an apartment in Canarsie for a steal. It would be a 20 minute ride to the beach and we were excited.
Sadly, something came up for Erich and he couldn’t join us. It was an adventurous, peaceful, and romantic weekend for David and I. We left at noon and we arrived in Canarsie at 2:30 PM. The area was alright, but the apartment was nice. We dropped off our things and put the Sukot cheesecake along with the strawberry preserves, turkey bacon for Sunday morning and some drinks into the fridge, then we were off to Coney Island. David had never had a fresh Nathan’s hot dog before, and we were going to eat there first.
The best laid plans of mice and men, however, often go a-rye. When we arrived at Coney Island, there was no parking. David found parking in Brighton Beach, Brighton 2nd Ave. We went to the beach and spent a few hours in the water and relaxing under the umbrella. I created a scrapbooking channel (Jessbooking) last week and David and I made a video for the channel. I brought my scrapbooking supplies and later that evening, we were going to scrapbook and make another video for the channel.

The water was cool and it was in the low 70s in Brighton Beach/Coney Island. It was a nice beach day and I feel like swimming in cold water is tradition to welcome in Memorial Day. I don’t mind cold water and I had fun swimming around.
After our beach time, both David and I were hungry and decided to walk to Nathan’s in Coney Island. Once we dropped our stuff at David’s car, we walked the boardwalk to Coney Island. It was a party on the Coney Island side of the boardwalk – there were a few dance parties, a few giveaways, and the beach was hopping. I noticed two teenaged girls taking photos of one another while they were walking the boardwalk, I pointed that fun out to David and we copied them. I took an interesting photo of David walking, and he captured me walking with my gluten-free hot dog rolls. We arrived at Nathan’s and it took us about a half an hour to order. We walked back to Brighton Beach and ate the hot dogs in his car. David loved what he ordered.

We went back to Canarsie and we rested and cleaned up before we took public transit back to Brighton Beach and Coney Island for dinner and Luna Park. We left the Air BNB at 8 pm and made our way to the L line at New Lots Ave. David bought a Metro pass and he likes this one song where they sing, “I have my Metro card on the L.” I took a photo of him with his Metro pass with the L sign in the background. We had a laugh. Riding NYC public transit was an adventure for David, and we had to make two other connections. It was fun watching other riders.

We went to Brighton Beach first. We were going to go to Skovordka, but when we got there at 9:30, they were closing. We weren’t properly dressed for Oleandr and we ended up at Tatiana’s on the boardwalk. I’m glad we ended up there; it was a lovely dinner with a Russian singer performing. Eugene was our server and we had fun chatting with him. He agreed to a selfie with us before we left.

By the time we were done eating, it was 11 PM and we were both tired. We would go to Coney Island on Sunday before we left. We sat on the beach for a bit and listened to the ocean. We walked to the subway and began our journey back.

Some florists got on the Q at Prospect Park from a wedding. I asked if I could take a rose, and they gave the rose to David to give to me. How special. I am waiting for the silica powder to come in to preserve the flower. It was a long stem rose and I had to cut the stem a bit.

As we made the connection to A train, we met Brian who gave me something to drink and I bought something for David as well. Brian loved our love story, it gave him some hope about society and he agreed to a selfie with us. A few years ago I started “Selfies for Strangers” for my Happiness Box Project and I guess I am doing this with David from time to time as well.

We arrived at our apartment at 1 am and went to bed. David and I didn’t have a chance to scrapbook, we were exhausted.

Our check out time was 11 AM and since I am a morning person, I woke up at 8 AM and ordered a few photos I want to make for a Happiness Box layout. I also took some photos of our apartment.

After I took photos of our lovely apartment, I made breakfast – gluten free smiley pancakes with turkey bacon. David woke up at 9:30 to the smell of a delicious breakfast. He loved the smiley pancakes.

We packed and were out of Canarsie by 10:30. We went to Brighton Beach’s Walgreens to pick up my photos. We drove down to Brighton 2 and spent an hour on the beach. David came into the ocean with me for a bit and we had fun splashing each other. I swam for a half an hour, then we enjoyed the beach. It was another beautiful day.

We walked to Coney Island, rode the carousel and had laughs. Sadly, we couldn’t take photos inside of the carousel house, but we took two selfies outside. We then walked to Luna Park for the photo booth, but it wasn’t working. David agreed to take a few selfies with me that I would turn into a photo booth strip. I found the website this morning and I created a photo booth photo, free of charge. I’ll had to ask Chad at Cardinal Camera if he can print it.

On the way back, I stopped at the Brooklyn Beach Shop to pick up some postcards that I could use for a sn@pbook. I also picked up a penant and sticker that I can use for a sn@pbook. Before we made it to David’s car, there were parrots on the Coney Island boardwalk, I donated 50 cents and was able to have the parrot perch on my shoulder while David took photos. That was fun.
Then we were on our way to Chelsea to meet Jeremy the Manager cat at Citipups. I follow his Instagram and I couldn’t wait to meet him. David couldn’t wait to meet him and see the puppies at the store.


“I drove an hour to see a $#@!ing cat.” ~ David Bolton
Love you, Love Bug and I swear that David deserves a gold medal for all the he does for me. Meeting Jeremy was amazing, even if he was being a tired manager at the beginning. Once we saw some dogs, Jeremy perked up and was managerial with us.


Friedman’s was a 6 minute drive from Citipups. By that point David was exhausted and we were both hungry. We ended our trip at Friedman’s and we were seated next to a few friendly Swifties. We had fun chatting with them, which perked David up a bit. I ordered a GF reuben and he ordered a regular reuben – that was the best reuben he had.


It took us 3 hours to get home and I hung out with David for a few hours. His surprise photo album arrived. I took a video for Jessbooking. We were both exhausted and played some video games instead of scrapbooking.

We had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend and I can’t wait for more beach trips with David. Next time I want visit my cousin Tori in Harlem since it’s been 10 years since I last saw her and I want David to meet her. She messaged me on our way back, so we definitely have to plan something.

Proud to Be Me, Proud to be Us

Thank you for accepting me. I know I don’t have to thank you since love is a basic human right. However, not everyone is as accepting as aces as you are. I’m beyond grateful you’re my partner, my best friend, and soul. Love you.
(You can’t really see the ace flag with the other two, but it was there, and I was hugging him.)
Posted onJune 6, 2023Leave a commenton Proud to Be Me, Proud to be Us Edit
Pride 2023 (Photo Entry)
Pride 2023 was something to remember! I met a lot of wonderful people, including Ari. Ari, fellow ace and scrapbooker. Enjoyed chatting about our projects. Her friend loves travel journals.

“Can I join the selfie too, even though I’m under dressed?”
Of course, the more the merrier!


Pride 2023 was a Pride to remember. I’m proud to be Ace and I’m grateful to have a partner that accepts me for me. I’m also grateful that I am loved and welcomed in the Philadelphia, NYC, and DC LGBTQIA+ groups. Be loud and be proud!

Comparison is the thief of joy. I was on Reddit the other day and in the Two X Chromosome sub, someone asked what the best moment of their relationship was. Many people shared stories of pain and heartbreak, and their partners were there for them. I got into comparison mode because I had not yet experience any of these things.
During the summer, I will be getting out of the PD’s Office at 2pm on Tuesdays. David picked me up on Tuesday and we talked about why I was so upset. “Love, don’t compare. Some of those stories, I hope they never happen to us. I don’t want us to go through miscarriage and still birth.” I agreed. I went through very tough shit when I was single – rape and a lot of health issues, and I think it was hitting me from there. But, David wasn’t around when those things happened and while he wishes he was, during those times in my life, I was pushing people away to deal with it on my own. We had a cuddle session for a few hours before he dropped me off at the library (his job closed on Tuesday – electrical issues).

A poster on Reddit posted, “I’m shocked to read that we remember basic human decency.” This person was right and the post asked about the best times. Can painful shit be the best times? David and I travel a good amount and we do have great times together, but then I thought about it. I have lifelong PTSD from the rape and try as I might, it ain’t ever going away. I have lifelong PTSD from childhood experiences. He’s put up with A LOT. PTSD isn’t a fun walk in the park. I also have chronic illnesses and he’s had to adjust to gluten-free a bit, and he adjusts to thyroid related accidents. While our story isn’t similar to what was shared on Reddit, it doesn’t make it any less.
Except the birds were in quarantine from the Avian flu. David and I ventured to Mill Grove on Sunday and before we sat down for a picnic, we decided to walk around the brand new John . Audubon museum.

The museum was pretty cool and David enjoyed the interactive parts. I loved the way he looked at the ostrich and owl. I was giggling a lot.
After I made a purchase at the gift shop, we went outside and found a spot for our picnic. It was 88 with high humidity; I found a spot under the tree.

The shade was wonderful. David enjoyed the gluten-free chicken salad sandwiches I made and it was his first time trying fluffer nutter. We had a few huge ant visitors, but it was all in good fun.
In the fall, I want to do this again, especially as the leaves change. Hopefully the birds will be out of quarantine too. I want to introduce David to the owls.


My 34th Birthday

4 July 2023. My 34th birthday. Can you believe it? 34 already?! My dad will be 68 in October, so that means I’m officially half my dad’s age. He was three months away from turning 34 when I was born. He was also a County employee and liked his job, just like me at 34!
Anyway, David said he had something planned for me and he’s been planning this for a few months now. He picked me up at 1pm and when we got back to his house, Erich was BBQing. Or at least attempting to BBQ.

David and I had to run back to my house, however, because Erich needed a BBQ sauce baster, they couldn’t find theirs and my mom had one. We borrowed the baster from mom. Once we arrived back to David’s house, Erich was too hot and a bit burned, and just decided to grill inside.

Part of the surprise was David cooking for me. He went to Trader Joe’s, knowing that I love Trader Joe’s, and bought salmon and other gluten-free goodies for me. Here’s David preparing my birthday meal for me.
It was 91 degrees with high humidity on 4 July 2023. We took our food and went to an air conditioned room, where we played video games, listened to music, laughed, and had a good time.

I used to play Mortal Kombat in the arcades as a kid and I wanted to try my hand at Mortal Kombat 11. David and I competed against each other and I kicked his butt.
He won the last game. I’m not used to the controller, but that’s true for all video games. With practice, I’ll get used to it.

After they sang “Happy Birthday” to me, David and I drew on each other with icing.

The party ended at 8 PM. I hung out for another 45 minutes before we left to see the Fireworks at Elmwood Park Zoo.
On the drive over to Elmwood Park Zoo, David told me that he was anxious for a few days since this was his first time ever planning a surprise party, cooking a special meal, and going gluten-free food shopping.
I told him I was a bit anxious myself. However, I had the best birthday and I am beyond grateful for David. He puts so much thought and love into everything.
Selfie fail. I was cuddled into during the fireworks. I felt so grateful, I felt so lucky and I just felt so verklempt. I was almost in happy tears. It was a great birthday. It was just peaceful watching the fireworks with him. David passionately kissed me at the end and whispered, “Happy birthday, my love. I love you.”









Sometimes I still struggle with being ace. Last Thursday I posted this to Facebook:
I can relate to Todd and this is how I’ve been feeling for a while. Most of the time I feel inadequate, especially in my relationship. I can’t have a normal relationship and I feel like I can’t love properly. Oh well. I can’t be his exes, even though there are many times where I wish I can be, but I can’t will myself to be anything other than ace. Just like a gay man can’t will himself to be attracted to women, or anyone on the LGBTQIA spectrum to be anything other than they are, I was born this way. I can’t cry and kvetch about it because that won’t make me any other way. Oh well.
David told me over and over that he’s glad I’m not his exes. I told him that I still feel like I’m not able to properly love. He picked me up, gave me a big hug, and said, “please don’t ever talk down to yourself like that. You’re not inadequate, maybe a little inexperienced, but I love you for who you are.” We cried as we hugged it out. Then had dinner. I surprised him with Bartaco and I took some pictures of the delicious dinner.

I’m felt much better last Friday. I don’t regret most of my 20s, I actually like a lot of things I did back then and I’m proud of what I accomplished. Sometimes I have FOMO – did I miss out on anything? Well, of course I did. Just like I’m missing out on things now and will miss out on things in the future. That’s true for everyone. We can’t do EVERYTHING and honestly, I know I don’t want to do everything. I did what was right for me, and I continue to do what is right for me. After some reflecting and chats, the present is what I worked to and what I wanted. And it’s a continuation of that work.

I have to thank Christine for sending me this on Instagram, as she was reminded of David and me. Too often, people love to post the highlight reels on social media and we only get to see the good times.
While it truly is no one’s business, we don’t get to see the ugly times, the sad times, the angry times, the emotional times, probably because we are ashamed to post them. We only want to post the highlights.
I do try to err on the side of privacy, my life since 2013 has been one big healing session and I do like to share my journey. David and I do talk about what I post beforehand; as we are on this journey together and he gets say as well. We have a messy relationship at times, but don’t we all? After all, that is part of the human journey.

Elk Neck State Park
David and I were Elk Neck State Park and North East, MD bound on Sunday.
Decided to do something we both have never really done before. While I’ve been to North East, I’ve never been to the beach there. I couldn’t wait and I couldn’t wait to explore with David.

We arrived at Elk Neck State Park Beach at 1:30 and we were surprised how beautiful the beach area looked. It looked like a hidden cove.

We were sitting near a family and one of the little boys saw my camera. He was 4 and looked interested. I asked him, “would you like to see my camera?” He smiled and shook his head enthusiastically. I walked over to him and showed him how my camera works. He excitedly told me that he’s learning how to take pictures and just got a camera. He took all of these shots, except the last one. A budding photographer! The last photo, of him, I took. That was a fun 15 minute lesson. His dad watched, said they lived in Philly and I said, “hey, anytime you want some pointers or some lessons, we’re close to you, in King of Prussia.” Who knows, but it was fun.

We drew smiley faces on our shadows. Have to thank Psychotic Delusions for this idea.

After the beach, David drove us to North East and we went to Woody’s for dinner. It was his first time there, but it’s been about 9 years since I last went. The last time I went, I wasn’t yet diagnosed as Celiac. David ordered a Po Boy and I ordered salmon. We both loved our meals.

Before we headed back to King of Prussia, we walked around North East.

David and had a wonderful time. Thank you, Love Bug.

Sunflower Fields Forever
aturday was our 10 months together and yesterday we went to a sunflower field. We exchanged small surprises. We both happy cried – David loved his keychain and I loved the card he made me. Yes, I even put the card that David made me with my Happiness Box entry for yesterday.

Dad said he loved this photo and I should get it framed. Would it be weird to ask dad to frame this photo for me for Hanukkah and ask for a Hanukkah card? I’d like this as a gift.

The Only Way Out is Through
We got through our rough patch, thank goodness. Sometimes the best thing you can do is talk it out, cry, rage, cry some more, apologize, even more crying, forgiveness and kindness.
Last weekend David told me he has been doing a lot of things with me that he never thought he’d be doing. Being the Anxious Nelly I am, I asked him if he was happy and having a good time. Yes. Hell, there are things I’m doing that I never dreamed of either and I’m happy.

Squad stuff. Stephen visited last night and we had some good laughs.

What is it that you think happy people have? And what makes you happy? Also, what is it that you have as skills or characteristics that you’re most happy about?
I once looked up what makes people happy and happiness is such a cop out of a word. It’s better to have joy because joy is more long lasting than happiness. While I run a Happiness Box Project, a year or two into that project, I learned and realized that all feelings are important. We need to experience happiness, sadness, anger, and every other emotion; we can’t be happy all the time because that doesn’t make a joyful life. A joyful life is filled with happiness, sadness, anger, every emotion, as well as gratitude. We are grateful for the happy times in times of sadness and anger, but we need that sadness and anger too. Joyful people often express all of these emotions without guilt and they allow themselves to feel those emotions.
After I was raped, I couldn’t cry for two years. Looking back, I believe that is what made me one big ball of anger and rage. Crying is cleansing and it’s emotionally healthy. 2013 I had so much loss and I just couldn’t cry. It took me until May 2015 that I could cry and I have been crying non-stop. Okay, maybe not non-stop, but when I am upset, I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to feel the upset and I allow myself to express that upset to others. Same with happiness and every other emotion. It took me talking to Mary McCree, my boss at the senior center, and being honest about what was going on with me. She understood and comforted me. I needed it at that time. Just like opening up to Lucky Logan. We opened up to each other and while nothing came of it, I believe they opened the door for the relationship I have now.
I told David why I was upset about his trip. I don’t care if he takes a guy’s trip for a few days, I hope he does take those more often. I was upset because I know Erich is jealous and he’s jealous that David and I did the beach a few times. Erich didn’t want to invite me to one up me, but it failed miserably since the room had bed bugs and they could only stay a day. I told David that this behaviour upset me because Tommy did that all the time. I probably should have realized I didn’t have a relationship with him, it truly was a nothing burger, because I was never invited to family events. While his mom did buy me gifts at times, they didn’t really see me as much of anything and I wasn’t to Tommy either. David apologized, and I told him he wasn’t the one that needed to apologize, but I didn’t want to hold that one in any longer. I’m still healing from that shit show with Tommy and while Chris says I shouldn’t talk about the past, sometimes I need to. Sometimes I need to bring up those things, so David is aware and I can move on.
Yesterday when I was over at David’s, Erich was more civil towards me. David told me that Erich is beginning to understand how happy I make David and that I will be part of his life going forward. We are eventually going to get married and start a family. Maybe Erich will let go of the jealousy. I know I’m letting go of the retroactive jealousy I have of David’s exes. They may not have been ace, but David is very satisfied with me and he is choosing me. He didn’t choose them. David loves me for who I am.
I also came to this conclusion: While I’m still young, not many people could stand me in my 20s romantically. I could not anyway. This one is much better, and maybe it’s because we are maturer than our 20s. I also worked on myself. People who do find someone in their teens and early 20s and it lasts, great for them. But, that wasn’t my story, and that’s okay. My story was very painful back then and it was very painful until I met David.
I am happy I came to that realization and right now I’m happy that David brought me downstairs last night for an hour, we cuddled and cooked and spent couple time together.
 
Our 1 Year Anniversary
We planned the Renaissance Faire in February, as you were driving us to Harrisburg for our first Valentine's Day together. I saw the sign and exclaimed, "I haven't been to the Ren Faire since Middle School!"
You smiled and said the same thing, but added, "mom always wanted to go. She didn't get a chance to before she died." We had to go.
We didn't really start talking about the Renaissance Faire again until the end of August. I remember what sparked it too.
You grabbed my hand and led me to your room. I love the artwork you have hanging on the walls and as I was turned around, you grabbed something. When I turned to face you, you presented me with a lovely ivory box.
I opened it and it was a necklace, a necklace meant for Renaissance costumes. It was your mom's. I was wowed and we exchanged our "I love yous." As you were putting the necklace around my neck, we agreed that we had to go to the Renaissance Faire.
The Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire is only active on weekends, unless there are school field trips. Our first anniversary was a Thursday, but we could really celebrate the Sunday after. We agreed that this would be an anniversary gift to ourselves. I booked the package deal: two tickets to the Renaissance Faire and an overnight stay at a bed and breakfast.
For a few weeks I planned activities. I wanted to see what was going on and there is always something going on at the Renaissance Faire. However, last week I checked back to the website to see what the writ would be for Sunday. I saw that unicorns were going to be there. Therapy unicorns that guests could hug. Oh boy! Oh boy! I told you that we just HAD to meet the unicorns all last week, and that was the first thing we did.
At first you weren't going to join me, you were going to stand on the side and take pictures for me with my DSLR camera. However, as I was waiting in the long line, I knew you wouldn't be able to get a good view from the side. I was in view of you and I'm so glad you came over when I gestured for you. You finally agreed to come with me and you would meet the unicorns too.
Your mother also loved unicorns and she would have loved this too. Her spirit was also joining us. The line moved quickly and it was our turn to meet one of the two unicorns in no time at all.
When we walked to greet the emcee, she asked me if my little girl dream of meeting a unicorn is finally coming true. I was hype and I squeed, "yes!" She led us to Lucky Star and I got to hug him. You took a photo of me hugging Lucky Star and I got to tell him what a sweet, handsome unicorn he is.
You then joined in and the emcee took a photo of us with Lucky Star. She gave me dust to make a wish, then asked if I wanted glitter in my hair! OF COURSE! I squeed again and got a glitter bath. She gave me extra glitter as you took more photos.
You didn't want a glitter bath, but he got caught in one. "Mom would have loved this and she would have danced with you in this glitter bath." We both smiled and agreed that the wind that came along was her, and you got some of the glitter because mom wanted you to join the fun.
We were talking about this experience in bed the morning after. While you slept, I scrapbooked our Renaissance Faire anniversary. You then woke up, admired me scrapbooking.
I took a break, laid down next to you and said, "yeah, this was a childhood dream, but there is something else that makes this dream come true even better."
"What's that?"
"I got to experience it with the love of my life. I got to experience this with you by my side."
We hugged, and I decided to add what I told you to the scrapbook layout with the photos with the unicorn. We are still rocking the glitter somewhat.

Before we left, we bought some kettle corn and took some more photos. We left at 5:30 and stopped at CVS in Manheim. I wanted to order some photos because I was going to scrapbook a layout for the Happiness Box.
After I printed 6 photos, we were on our way to the Smithton Inn in Ephrata. We had to drive through Lititz and the country roads were gorgeous. I couldn’t help but take photos from the window. The sun setting on the fall leaves on the farms took my breath away. David loved the scenery too.

Smithton Inn was gorgeous and our room, the Sage Room, was lovely. It also had a fireplace. David lit the fire, and we watched Big Hero 6.

We’re cute!” We both absolutely adore this photo and it captures our relationship very well. Enjoying some popcorn in the comfort of each other while watching Big Hero 6.
This was the first movie to make me cry since the trauma. This was the first movie that made me cry for the first time in a year and a half. When that part of the movie, where Baymax shows Hiro that Tadashi is still here, David held me. This always reminded me that Nan was always with me, even if she wasn’t here with me in this realm. I held him too and we both felt our feelings together.
It’s not always easy, but we talk it out and just love one another. I’m beyond grateful for David. I feel safe and comfortable around him, and he feels safe and comfortable around me too.
Yep, this really is the essence of us.

When it was over, the fire was still glowing and I worked on my scrapbook layout.

The next morning, we woke up and were served a delicious breakfast. Rebecca, the inn keeper, was friendly and loved chatting with us. David was served a French toast with turkey sausage, and I was served a quinoa dish with the turkey sausage. The quinoa was delicious and Rebecca wrote the recipe for me. The turkey sausage reminded me of kielbasa and I may have to find that again. Turkey kielbasa – perfect!

After we checked out:

We had a lovely anniversary and we’re looking forward to more to come.