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Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2315965
A young man's first day on the job at Disneyland.
New Prompt for The Writer's Cramp:
Start your poem or story with the following sentence, "I want to get rid of my shoes,” and bold it for tomorrow's judge:
Choose comedy as one of the genres.

"I want to get rid of my shoes,” Harry said.

“You don’t have shoes,” Penny pointed out, a bored sigh in her voice. “You have duck feet.”

“My duck feet are killing me.”

“You took the job, sport. Now live with it!”

“I wanted to be Prince Charming. I signed up for Prince Charming!”

Penny laughed out loud. “You aren’t the Prince Charming type, Jerry old boy. It’s never going to happen.”

“My name’s Harry, okay? And how do you know I wouldn’t make a wonderful Prince Charming? You’ve never seen me without this Daffy Duck head on my head.”

“One: You’re not wearing a Daffy Duck head on your head. You’re wearing a Donald Duck head. And two: You’re a fucking moron!”

“That is some way for Mickey Mouse to talk!”

“One: I’m not Mickey Mouse. I’m Minny Mouse, okay?”

“Yeah? What’s two?”

“Two stays the same, bucko. You’re still a fucking moron. Two will never change, ever!”

“Well, look Minnie, Mickey, Mighty-mo, whoever you are, it’s my first day in the Magic Kingdom, can you give me a break?”

“Ah Jeez, they saw me!” she whispered. She looked at Harry and took a deep breath. “Here they come, Larry. Keep your mouth shut and watch how it’s done…”

She turned to face five little girls who were staring at her from across Matterhorn Way. Once she made the turn, she was no longer the little bitch in charge of training Harry to be Donald Duck. She was Minnie Mouse in a bright red polka dot dress. Her hair was tied with a matching polka dotted bow. She curtseyed then and when she curtseyed, the five little birthday girls broke into a dead run across the road.

She said, “Hi-hi, hi-hi, hi-hi,” and touched them each on the cheek. “Oh, how beautiful you all are!”

Harry watched her work. She was wonderful! She lowered her head to the children’s level and smiled a smile that said, I am not just happy to see you; I am over the moon, beyond belief, thrilled to death, happy to see you! And the little girls, one at a time, returned her love with drawn out, eyes closed, heart-felt hugs.

“Have you met Donald Duck?” She pointed to Harry, and the girls saw Donald Duck and went to him, squealing with delight.

“Hihi, Hi-hi-hi-hi !” Larry said, backing up. They were coming closer, touching him. Their fingers were sticky from cotton candy, and they all kept trying to touch him. He noticed their matching blond ponytails. “You guys sisters?” he asked, his question echoing inside his furry, big-eyed, plastic head. Sweat was sliding down his forehead into his eyes now. “Don’t touch the beak,” he said, fending a hand away from his great orange bill. Then another little hand came at him, which he also slapped away. “Seriously, watch the fucking beak!” he said a tad too loudly.

The girls froze. Their eyes got huge. Their mouths tightened into little O’s. They were now looking at Donald Duck with genuine disappointment and hurt. They all looked crushed. Devastated. Tears formed in their blue eyes and slid silently down their pink cheeks.

They were just starting to back away when Minnie Mouse swooped in to save the day!

“No, no, don’t be afraid, my children,” she trilled melodiously. “Donald’s just an idiot!” She began herding them away, blowing kisses as she did so. “Bah-bye!” she was saying. “Bah-bye now!”

Harry watched her, fascinated. When she caught him staring, she walked past him without a word. “You were fantastic!” he tried to say.

Penny turned to face him. Her arms were in the air as she said, “What the fuck was that?” Harry looked at her silently through his happy, Donald Duck over-sized eyes. “You were swearing,” she hissed. “You were swearing in front of little girls!”

“I have no memory of that,” Harry said.

Penny was coming at him now, fast. Harry put his orange hands up for protection. “Their fingers were sticky!” he tried to explain. “Look at my tail feathers… They’re ruined!”

“They’ll arrest you, dude,” she said. “You will disappear!” She was fighting off a smile as Harry began showing her his tail feathers.

“Seriously,” she said. A laugh broke out. “You can’t swear. Not around the park. Not dressed like Donald Duck! They got cameras, man. Cameras everywhere. They’re watching, dude. They’re listening!”

“Who’s they?”

“They! Disney People. Don’t fuck with them.”

They looked at each other. Two cartoon characters sharing a moment of silence to consider how dumb they both looked. Then they laughed at the same time and Minnie Mouse slapped him coquettishly on the shoulder.

Harry leaned toward her. His voice hushed, he said, “You want to know a secret? Don’t tell the Disney Men, but I always like Daffy better…”

“Oh my God, we have a traitor in our ranks!” she said. There was a smile in her voice, and Harry heard it.

His heart started pounding hugely inside his Donald Duck chest as a circle of tiny sparkles began dancing around his oversized head.

It was then, out of nowhere, an over-whelming animalistic urge to roar, “AAAUUGAAAA” took hold of him, and he knew then what all star-crossed lovers come to know; that behind this plastic facade of red polka dots lived a real woman. Behind the painted smile was another smile filled with warmth, and love, and happy-ever-after endings in living-color.

Minnie Mouse said, “Why don’t you and me pop on over to Fantasyland, big boy? I’ll show ya around.”

Donald Duck said, “Lead the way, gorgeous,” and into the sunset they walked, arm in arm, smiling at the kids. Smiling at each other. Smiling at the whole wide, wonderful world.

--986 Words--
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