An Appointment Gone Wrong

"You have to wait at least four months in order to get an appointment!" said the nurse, pointing her pen at him.
"Well, the doctor says I only have three months to live. So that makes up for it," said Benji.
"Why do you need to see a physician if you only have three months to live? Don't you know there are healthy people who are dying right now? Who's going to see them?"
"The doctor told me that I had a certain guarantee. Chief among those was the guarantee of a final sendoff - a kicking into the woods, if you will. I'm not certain as to when it will all come to an end, but...hey, here comes the doctor now."
Just then, Doctor Swamy walked into the office, wearing his trademark white coat and construction helmet. Wait a minute: construction helmet? The other doctors were hurriedly greeting him and then continuing on their path. Doctor Swamy walked right past Benji, then stopped.
"You're the one who only has three months to live, is that correct?" said the doctor.
"That's what it says on my birth certificate."
"What?"
"Just a little birth certificate humor."
"Well, I'm afraid the joke's on you. We don't accept birth certificates as payment anymore, so if you're going to die..."
"Doctor, I need your help."
"What exactly do you need my help with. I've already delivered...my diagnosis. What more is there for me to do? I was planning on going on a three-month vacation. Just to...clear the air."
"Look, doctor, do I have something in my eye?"
"He who strains at a gnat, then swallows a camel. Am I right?"
"No, doctor, I have three months to live!"
"Then you understand the importance of a man's time. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
"Doctor."
"You have to wait four months."
"Doctor. I may have a way for you to extend my life to four months, even longer."
"You're selling snake oil! I've spent half my life in the same medical school course and they've told me over and over again that once a man contracts bubellic cancer, there's nothing left for him to do but play a few rounds of golf and not pay his internet bill."
"But doctor, there's a new procedure..."
"No, my son. There is nothing new under the sun."
"But father..."
"Why did you just call me father? I'm not a catholic priest. I'm a doctor!"
"Yeah, but you just called me your son."
"It was in the sense of belittling your importance, not absolving you of all possible faults."
"Doctor, I may be able to prolong my life just long enough to make an appointment."
"With what? It better not be one of those dag-blasted smartphone apps!"
"DagBlasted is the latest app on the market for those suffering from bubellic cancer. Using the latest in BarbieFlix technology, this app separates the money from the body, helping the human to better contemplate their mortality."
"Is that really the name of that app?"