I see the future

Does everyone sometimes look at their past and present?
What has changed, what we changed, what the environment did? And what we chose at the end.

In my case, I have always been striving to reach something in life, even if my younger self didn't know what she wanted, even if she was just going by what everyone was telling her but all she wanted was to have a brighter future even tho none really helped her.
Is it better or worse? When someone helps us? When it's easier for us to find ourselves and find what we want to do in this life, find the purpose.
Since I never had anyone to guide me properly, to tell me the things I needed to hear I grew up my inner knowledge with youtube, watching people who talk about life, struggles, embrace the truth and the meaning of the little things, the normal things happening to us and how normal it is to not know what you want being 16 or 18, 20. I always thought I don't do enough or I don't make good goals when in reality I already had everything and I was already taking little steps, already making progress, already living the way I wish... I just didn't notice it and I always rest longer, take time to bloom, I will admit I sometimes need someone I could trust so they could give me some water to continue growing(this is what I lacked so much).
I never attached myself to anything, so a feeling of losing is not really what I can relate with, even if there were times in life when I didn't want some people to leave. Eventually, it's what we can't avoid.
I will be 20 soon and I have never gotten drunk, I don't smoke, I don't go party till early morning (my anxiety/depression or excited thoughts do it for me or art, even now writing this). I don't do any of those because I never got an opportunity and when I got it, I was already too mature for that. I found it boring and instead I wanted to do, reach something better in life, see the world, embrace things we are afraid to talk about, help those who struggle, find with interesting mind, with beautiful heart people and do my best to leave a good impact on those I meet.
I understand that we are not perfect, none of human beings can be angels, can we? Can we always be productive? Can we always be good for someone or something? Expectations always make disappointments. And to tell the truth, not the life-created rules, but we. Humans.
Life never had rules in the first place. We either make ourselves suffer or be free. And each of us chooses which path, which choice to make.

Social media, gossips, talks, a picture of someone can makes us think that someone is always doing perfectly fine, making a world a better place, when the reality is different.

I grew to find myself being attached to people who are not afraid to embrace their vulnerability. People who remain kind even if the world wasn't to them. Even if life made them be afraid or go mad (I was there too) they got back or stayed the way they truly are still.
To protect our own happiness, to enjoy life better without the right knowledge or guide we can make mistakes and loose people or not take the opportunities, say the things for which we can regret later on. I was there too. For one moment I found myself being a little more selfish in a toxic way, being a little more demanding for a potential partner, asking them to be a bit more open so I could understand, not giving them a chance after our argument but I think it was meant to be like this, because that person wasn't a green flag in the first place, they didn't listen what I was asking them and got protective too. Were protective even when I was vulnerable and apologized. But they allowed me to be back to be myself, to look at the world with innocent, curious eyes and open heart+mind.

I can never be more grateful for my younger self for going through all the hell and toxic environment alone (not entirely, after all, there was one person online, my partner much older and mature. She was the reason I was smiling and probably without her I wouldn't understand love. 2 years, she was there for me and it took me more than a year to let her go, It was indeed so hard...)

Today I can breath, today I feel like I can go anywhere, do what I want and not be tied up. I found new people as well, people I can trust and rely on (what my child, and teenager me wanted so much). After such long time, I can be a little more calm. It's still scary, I'm still anxious but I want to live, so I will live the best way I can.
That's the only wish I have for this life. I don't really care what I will come to work as, as long as I enjoy it and can live from it, I just want to to what I like, I want to be who I am, I want to become better, less afraid, more confident, more believing in myself. If I manage to do that, I might manage to inspire better others to do so too.

It's probably so little I ask from life, isn't it? At such young age especially. And it's not that I even ask something from others. Wanting to live better is inner work. So it means I will just be purely doing and making myself happy not asking someone else to do it.
Maybe people who experienced enough in life suffer, faced troubles not just with anger or tears and left their broken heart but tried to heal, understand, to understand... To understand "why?" why it all was happening, opened their mind to welcome the truth
Those people can't ask more than such simple things... Like love, peace, freedom, happiness. True happiness.Openess.

All I crave is Honesty. Vulnerability. Truth. Embracing the real.
(that shit is good, it connects people :D )

That's why... "Beauty lies in simplicity"



If anyone read this whole... Well first of all thank you, I'm new here, I don't know how things work here, I came here only to have a place where I could just write not only journal like now about my personal life. I wrote this at 1 am, please excuse my grammar, I am very tired but am glad I wrote this