How Long

         I didn't mean for any of it to happen like it did. It was just one of those things where suddenly you're doing something and you have no idea why you're doing it, you just know that it feels right at that moment, you know? One of those things.
         Jeremy and I had been dating for over a year when it happened. I had thought that there was no one else, ever, in the world for me. He was tall and dark, with brown eyes you could lose yourself in for minutes on end. Wonderfully built. And what was inside was nicer than what was out. Quiet, sincere, thoughtful. Granted he couldn't kiss well at all, but he was still everything an fifteen year old girl could dream or hope for, right? Especially as he was three grades ahead of me, and for a junior to be dating a 8th grader was practically unheard of. I considered myself the luckiest girl on Earth.
         I moved during my freshman year, and I think that was what started it. I knew no one, was so lonely, and missed him so much. And when David walked into my life I had no intentions of doing anything with anybody, okay? Like I said, it just happened.
         David was, and is, the opposite of Jeremy. Short where Jeremy is tall, skinny where Jeremy is well built. They’re both dark, but that's as far as resemblances go. Same for personalities. David is loud where the other is quiet, and really doesn't think about anyone but himself. Ever. He can also kiss better than anyone I have ever met.
         And see, this is the whole problem. I shouldn't know this. I shouldn't know the ins and outs of David almost as well as I know the ins and outs of Jeremy. I shouldn't know whether David can kiss well. I shouldn't know when his birthday is or his tiny pet peeves. But I do, and now I'm not sure if this is the best or the worst thing I've ever done in my life. Which is why I'm suddenly telling the whole world, right?

         I started off saying it was all Jeremy's fault. (I still think to some extent it was.) He never called, only emailed when I emailed him first. I made excuses for him, said that he was busy with school and things, that he would call/email/write when he had time. Unfourtunately that was the one thing he never seemed to have. I missed him more than anything else back home,and to have him ‘ignore’ me like that was torture. So I guess I partly used David as a revenge tool, to show Jeremy that someone else liked me enough to pay attention to me. To remind him of what he was missing out on.
What happened with David and I was so much more than that, though, so much more than that.
         It was 2 and a half months after I moved that I started hanging out with David. He was in four of my classes at school, and I frequently baby-sat for his little sister. I don't know how I never noticed that he was always there when Kat needed sitting, but then again I didn’t really think of him like that at first, y’know?
         David and I became like really good friends. We hung out together after school all the time and though I never thought much about it, if people didn't know I was taken they assumed David and I were going out. To me David was just a really good friend that happened to be a guy. I should have wondered when I never told Jeremy about David except in passing, especially when I spent nearly every waking moment in his company after awhile, but I excused it by saying that I forgot, or that David wasn't important enough to be included in my talks with Jeremy.


         It all came together when I was baby-sitting for Kat real late one night. I was scheduled to babysit until like 12:00 a.m. David got home around 7:30, a little after I arrived and his parents left. Kat, exhausted from a full day of playing, dropped off around 8:00. D., as I had taken to calling him, and I just hung out back in his room for awhile, watching cable and talking. I admit it did look pretty suspicious, with him laying there and me with my head on his stomach teasing him, but hey, what the hell? Besides, Jeremy hadn't called for like two weeks by that time. I was in a devil-may-care mood, and besides, it was D. What could happen?
         When we ended up having a make-out fest all over his bed I fully realized what could, and did, happen.
         "I really like you. Will you go out with me?"
         "What about Jeremy?"
         "He's not here, is he?" With that backwards logic and that smile that I now realized I had come to love he enchanted my heart forever. I gave him an answering smile back.
         "Sure, why not?" Didn't really seem to change all that much anyway. We were practically going out already except for the kissing part if you really thought about it.
         And Jeremy WAS being a jerk ok?
         After a year of Jeremy I had almost forgotten what a really good kiss was like. I can honestly say that to be making out with a handsome guy with a great smile back in his room at 9:00 at night, coupled with a water-bed, cable, and the knowledge that no one'll be home for at least two hours, is absolutely wonderful.
         (I know what you're thinking. Girl+guy+room at night+no one home=WAY TOO FAR! But it didn't. I'm not like that.)
         I'm still not entirely sure how long this make-out thing went on for, but it was on and off for at least an hour. I was dazed by the end of it, my lips flush from his and every nerve ending tingling.
         Ok, say I'm weird or whatever, but you know that feeling you get when everything’s done and over with, when you're just laying there together and it feels like the whole world is at peace and nothing could stop you now? I never got that feeling with Jeremy. It was like there was always something missing, something that could have been better. With D., everything was perfect.
         All I can say is he wasn't like Jeremy.

         David and I agreed not to tell anyone about it, especially at school. It wouldn't do anything bad to HIS rep, (except for 'Alright, big D. scores again!' in the locker room), but when the whole school knows you're going out with someone else because you turned down Timmy Gorlon and then they find out you’re cheating on said boyfriend, the word slut does get thrown around some. I hadnt been at Rowley High long enough to brave an assualt like that. Besides, I still had Jeremy to think about. If Mom or Dad found out they would be sure to mention it to him at some point. And there was still a part of me that really didn’t want to lose Jeremy just yet.
         I still wasn't sure how, and if, it was going to work out. I was just so tired of Jeremy's shit, and David was right there, and making much more of an effort then Jeremy to be there for me…so I figured, 'What the hell?', y’know?

         Everything went well for awhile. Jeremy and I weren't talking much by that point anyway except for the occaisional IM or email, so David couldn't come up in the conversation, and David and my relationship was going wonderfully. Except for the tiny pang of guilt I got if I thought of Jeremy while I was with David. Or that same twinge I got when I signed off of my IM's with 'Love ya, babe, bye' while David was in the room.
         I figured that David knew what he was getting into when he asked me out, so he could deal with it, and as long as Jeremy didn't find out everything was fine. I know you are all thinking that I should have just dumped Jeremy by this point, and I agree, I should have. I was just scared. So I fooled myself that everything was fine until I went 'back home' over Christmas vacation.
         I didn’t think Jeremy even noticed how distant I was the first couple of days, probably because he was being equally so. But I certainly did. I tried to remedy it, to put some actual love into the little hugs and kisses that were supposed to fly back and forth, but it was no use. Jeremy was obviously still ‘into me’, but for me the so-thought impossible had happened for me. I was over Jeremy.
         I tried to tell him, I honestly did. But the words just wouldn't come out. I even thought of doing it right before I left so I wouldn’t have to be around his pain, leaving him to ponder what he had done wrong. But I couldn't do that to Jeremy, I just couldn't. He was better than that. And so every time I got close to telling him I'd just freeze. I could never finish.
         Besides, when I really thought about it, Jeremy was and always had been the better choice. Yes, he was being neglectful, but he really loved me. (I doubted if David had ever heard of the word love sometimes.) To try and explain to him that I had cheated on him with David was more than he could handle. To explain why when I couldn't even explain it to myself was even harder. How do you explain thoughts that just float at the back of your mind and never really surface, that run away when you grab at them, reasons that make no sense to you either?
         So Jeremy thought everything was fine when I left after Christmas vacation. When David asked if I'd told Jeremy I told him no, and he, being David, didn't care. Well, at least for awhile.
         Late January it began getting harder. Jeremy had decided now, once it was too late, to start trying to be the boyfriend he should have been before. Perhaps he had sensed the distance I was so worried over at Christmas-time. But, either way, he decided to once again become the Jeremy I had once loved, and I was discovering that lingering wisps of feeling still surfaced when he told me he loved me in that quiet tone I had adored. Which would have been a good thing except that David had decided that Jeremy wasn't getting me back. It became a frequent conversation.
         "When are you going to tell him? You can't keep this up forever."
         "I don't know. Sometime."
         "It was sometime 2 weeks ago. It was sometime over Christmas vacation. It's eating at you. Just do it."
         "Look, you're not the one who has to break this guy's heart, OK?"
         "So Jeremy is more important than me now?"
         "I never said that, David."
         "Then just tell him. It'll hurt him more if he finds out from someone else. At least if you tell him you're being honest."
         And what hurt the most is I knew he was right. Even though David had ulterior motives, he was still right.

         So I did it. I told the truth to Jeremy. I was shaking when I called, and I almost didn't do it. Again. I just let him talk, waited to see how long it would take before he realized I wasn't dominating the conversation like I usually did. It wasn't very long. I had rehersed what I wanted to say, tried to cushion my message so it wouldn't hurt so much. Please, like I could.
         I just spaced out for a minute, wondering if I really had to do this. He had lived without the pain and humiliation for long enough and it hadn't hurt him. Couldn't I just let it go on for awhile longer? But I did do it. I told him. I think I'll hear that voice trying not to cry forever.

         "Claire, whats wrong? You're totally spacing out."
         "Jeremy, there's something that I need to tell you." I don't know how my voice sounded to him, but to me it had never sounded so guilty to me, had never sounded so small.
He noticed it too.
         "What?" There was an urgency and apprehension in his voice that made me wonder if he had indeed noticed over Christmas, if this boy wasn't as dumb as he pretended to be. I wouldn't put it past him. It was turning out that there was a lot I didn’t know about either of us lately.          "I-don't-want-to-go-out-with-you-anymore." It was a whisper, run together so fast I was sure he would ask me to repeat it. He didn't.
         "Why?" Why? Don't ask me why. Why do you still love me when I don’t love you the way you deserve to be loved? Why do I love David? Why do the stars shine? I don't know, don't ask me why.
         "I don't know. I can’t explain it. I just don't." Where were all those reasons I had justified everything to myself with? Where was my great speech? All gone at the miserable sound of Jeremy's voice.
         "Is there someone else?"
         I was in absolute silence. I had hurt him enough, hadn't I? Should I just completely snap his heart in two, break him forever? I guess my silence was enough to answer his question though, because he just said "Oh. Well, bye."
         He hung up on me. I hate being hung up on.

         Well, I did it, right? I told him. I guess everyone is ‘happy’ now, or should be. But if we're all happy, then was is there this hole where my heart should be?