Psychic Imprint

Amidst the green mountains of Vermont nestles dirt roads with signs warning of potholes. Potholes are gigantic and cause havoc on the balance of cars in all seasons. Potholes are as common as clover (Vermont’s state flower) and can occur on paved roads as well as dirt, although along dirt roads they tend to be more severe. Driving down some roads in the spring can be compared to playing hopscotch as a child as a car attempts to avoid severe damage from the road condition. Although the condition of dirt roads may be catastrophic, the view has no comparison. The houses are spread far apart, lots of trees providing a canopy from the hot sun, wild flowers galore, and not to mention glimpses of wild critters peeking through the vegetation at the passing cars.

Two miles from where I live is a set of railroad tracks that crosses a dirt road. While this spot is clear of trees for the driver to scout for trains, it still has a beautiful view of a meadow filled with wild flowers. The railroad is still used for freight trains.

Why does this stretch of road fill me with terror?

The most direct route to get to my mother’s home from my place is by these railroad tracks on this road. I tend to go 10 to 15 minutes out of my way to go around for stability of my mind.

I do not remember the first time I questioned myself as to why I panicked upon approaching this section of road. However, each time the symptoms are always the same. First comes the quickening of heartbeat, my palms start to sweat, my breathing intensifies, and soon I am drenched in perspiration with a strong feeling of dread.

My mother has told me that I have suffered these symptoms since I was an infant. I would wake up from a sleep to scream and throw my legs and arms, sometimes turning blue as she approached this cross section of railroad tracks. As a toddler, she said I would attempt to escape the car. She soon stopped taking this road when I was with her as I had become even violent.

As a teenager, I remember riding my horse on this road to a gymkhana with my sister, Valerie. Valerie relentlessly teased me about my fear of the railroad track. She told me to face my fear. I can still remember the day. The hot sun beat down on my back. My appaloosa tossing her head as the flies quenched their thirst in her eyes. The bugs sang their allegiance to the heat with their steady piercing chant. I set myself up with determination. I was going to cross the tracks. “I can. I can. I can,” I chanted over and over in my head as we approached. Valerie, ever the comedian, ran ahead and posed herself over the tracks. She mimicked my fear and pretended to be caught in the spokes. Then she walked off and started cheering me on. “You can do it,” she cheered. She actually got off her horse and watched. Was she nervous too?

My heart started to quicken and the heartbeat in my ears drowned out the noises of the insects. The reins started to get slick from wetness. I clenched them painfully in my hands. My breathing quickened and my eyes darted to and fro searching for any danger. When the dread feeling came over me I felt like I would pass out. It was so strong. This was the first time I was outside of a moving vehicle on this portion of the road. In my ears I could hear screaming and it took a few minutes for me to realize that was me screaming. Now the creeps had gotten into my appaloosa and it snorted nervously.

I was right in front of the tracks, so close that if I were off my horse I could reach down and touch them. Valerie was just ahead. I could see her cheering but I couldn’t hear her as my head was filled with the sound of my heartbeat and my breathing. I wanted to get this over with. I nudged my horse ahead and she reared on me. I nearly fell off the horse. Valerie was at my side in a second steadying me and trying to calm down my horse. She was talking to me but I could not hear her voice. She was trying to lead her forward but the horse set her hooves down and would not budge. The horse started to rear again and I could feel Valerie trying to calm her. I was frozen on the horse, unable to move.

Valerie led the two horses into the meadow out of the middle of the road. The farther from the road we got, the more I calmed down and the more my horse calmed. She crossed the railroad tracks while in the meadow and, shortly thereafter, started back on the road. Valerie apologized. I could swallow again but felt that standing would be a chore for a while longer.

It was simple about my horse, she reacted to my nervousness. . . didn’t she?

I force myself to take the road sometimes, it is the fastest route to my mother. I always react negatively to that stretch, but I can make it through it. What causes my reaction? Will something horrible happen to me here in the future? Will I die at this place? Maybe I have died here in a past life and I still have a psychic imprint. Maybe I witnessed something here that left me traumatized. Perhaps it is all my head . . . just as long as it is not in my future.