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Rated: E · Short Story · Family · #813533
Winner Writer's Cramp 2/10/04
You are a reporter for a national entertainment magazine. A famous celebrity couple have chosen YOU to be the only reporter to cover the wedding. Using the celebrity couple of your choice (either a real celebrity couple, like Demi and Ashton, or you can pair a couple of celebs you think belong together, like, say, Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson, lol) - write an article about the wedding for your magazine, describing who was there, where it was held, what everyone wore, etc

Dog Day Afternoon

Editor’s Note: This week’s Weed & Feed Column by Fred Thurgood has been preempted so that we may bring you a special column by our roving reporter George Wainwright. Fred will be back next week with a column titled: The Dandelion; A weed or Salad Fixin’s? Fred also asked me to remind you that if you buy two - hundred pound sacks - of Big & Mighty Dog Food from down at Thurgood’s Feed Mill this week you get a free pooper-scooper with the purchase.

          Well folks, yours truly has been a reporter with The Bugle now for a little over two years. In that two years I’ve covered some mighty exciting events. Who could forget the Applesauce Festival from down at Bradlee Junction or the Potato Festival from Baker’s Crossroads? None of those however prepared me to report on what has to be the highlight of my career, the recent celebrity nuptials that occurred right here in our very own Chestnut Springs.

         No doubt by now, you’ve heard the stories and the rumors. Yes, it is true, as this reporter can attest to, Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin finally, after all these years tied the knot. Never before has our small community been blessed with a visit by celebrities of this stature.

         The wedding, which was to occur at the Smithfield Grange building, quickly grew in size until it had to be moved to the Dauntless Firehall. The boys down at Dauntless were quick to offer assistance as one of their very own was in the wedding party. Sparkplug, their mascot, was an usher. The groom’s best man was none other than the venerable Mortimer, who for all appearances, took the occasion very solemnly and was well behaved. That, or he was still a bit woozy from a recent tranquilizer shot. Mortimer was attired in a black studded collar and wore a bright peach colored ribbon on his tail. He had, by far, the most sparkling smile of the wedding party. Shaggy Dog, who arrived with actor Dean Jones in a Volkswagon beetle, also attended the groom. Several other notable guests were seated on the groom’s side. They included, fifty of the 101 Dalmatians and professional crocodile wrangler, Steve what’s his name, from that country down under.

         And then, there was the bride. A more lovely countenance has never been seen in our neighborhood. Freshly groomed with a warm glow to her pelt, she wore a matching black studded collar and peach bow. From the look in her eye, this was obviously the most joyous day of her life. It had been rumored for years that there had been a relationship between these two, but try as they might the paparazzi were never successful in capturing the two of them in a compromising position. The bride was attended by Penelope, who was proudly escorted to the festivities by her owner, Old Mrs. Martin, the grade school teacher. There was a bit of a problem when Mrs. Martin spotted Mortimer and he flashed his pearly whites at her, but an attentive Little Jim, who assured Mrs Martin that Mortimer had had all his shots, quickly overcame it. The rest of the 101 Dalmatians were seated on the brides side.

         Officiating at the wedding was none other than Little Timmy from the show Lassie. In real life Timmy goes by the name of Gordon Shumway and has grown up to be a Lay Minister in the Church of All Faiths. In addition he also owns several used car dealerships and a Roy Rodgers fast food franchise. Even with the ending of the show,Timmy and Lassie have remained life long friends.

         There were some notable absences from the wedding and these included June Lockhart and Glenn Close. It is rumored that years ago there was a falling out between June and Lassie and it is thought to have something to do with contract negotiations and a failure to include a part for Lassie in the show, Lost in Space. Glenn Close was not invited because of her eagerness to play the part of Cruella Deville opposite the 101 Dalmatians in the movie of the same name. Both, I am told did send congratulatory emails. Another notable absence was the film crew for the PETA Wire News. I’m told they were delayed when their van flattened a Monarch butterfly out on Rt. 53. A rival news crew from HETA, (Hunter’s Eating Tasty Animals) is offering film at eleven.

         Security was tight at the firehall with both the police chief and Barney, his nephew, providing round the clock coverage. The firehall was decorated in peach ribbons and each guest received a complimentary black studded dog collar on their chair along with coupons for Big & Mighty Dog Food. This week if you buy two - one hundred pound sacks - down at Thurgood’s Feed Mill you get a pooper-scooper for free. Several of those free pooper-scoopers could be seen in action throughout the wedding and reception. They appeared to operate most efficiently.

         This reporter was in awe of both the wedding and reception and sits here at his desk staring proudly at the autographed photos he received from both Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin. The only blight on the whole day came during the reception. It was held under a tent behind the firehall. There was a bit of a stampede when Garfield showed up…
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