Just a thought

I used to think that to get along in life you had to be whatever everyone else wanted you to be, so I would spend most of my days hiding inside of myself, watching people, learning about people so that I could figure out what it was that people needed from me. “This girl is very quiet, she needs someone to help her open up” I would think to myself. And so I would transform my observant self to an outgoing happy girl so that this other girl would feel more comfortable. “This guy likes to be laughed at, I will laugh for him.” And so I would transform from the happy outgoing girl to the laughing idiot and the class clown would feel much better about himself. “These kids are sad and lonely, they need to realize they aren’t the only ones.” And so I would transform from the laughing idiot to the depressed and sorrowful girl and the sad kids wouldn’t feel so alone.

I used to think that I had to hide myself as long as possible, because my personality was something very precious that should only be visible to those that were worthy so that my true self would not get damaged, and so I had very few friends, but they were great friends because I spent months observing and choosing them, picking them apart and playing roles for them.

I have the same friends to this day, they know me inside out, and I know them inside out. There is one difference, I don’t try to please people like I used to anymore. Now I am just me and this seems to please most, and the ones that it doesn’t I don’t even notice. I’m still quiet, in the manner that I only speak when I have something of value to say, but that is just part of me. I still change around certain people, but it is only a variation of who I am, but that gives me substance and depth.

You know those people who people just can't stop looking at them, not because of their physical appearance but because of their inward appeal that radiates through their skin? I want to be one of those people. I want to be one of the people that everyone wonders about, that everyone is intrigued by, yet they have no idea what it is that intrigues them about this person. You know those people that both genders can't help but stare at? I want to be one of those people. I want people to tell just by looking at me that I am wise but mysterious. I want to change everyone I touch, for better or for worse, I want to make people think, I want to make them dream, I want to make them wonder, I want to make them sad and happy and stupid and wise all at the same time. I want to breathe until the air becomes too thick to inhale, I want to live until life has too much depth; and then I want to die happy, knowing, satisfied, that I have left a mark on peoples hearts.