Brownie Points

BROWNIE POINTS

I bought a humble residence on the outskirts of the town.
A tidy little property; brand new, two-up two-down,
Nestling in a shady suburb, we’d be happy here for sure,
And life was hunky-dory until the Browns moved in next door.


They drew up in their Jaguar, it glistened in the sun.
My Lada looked inferior, something must be done.
At the showroom I decided on a Mercedes Estate,
With trendy tinted windows and personalised number plate.


Their caravan arrived next day, a very swish affair.
For them to own things we don’t have just seems so damned unfair.
So now I have a motor home and I bought a boat as well.
There’s no water for a hundred miles, but it’s flash, so what the hell?


The Browns ripped out their windows, it really was amazing,
How quickly they replaced them, complete with triple glazing.
So of course we had to follow suit and now our new exterior,
With stained-glass leaded windows is looking far superior.


The Browns employed some builders; it filled me with dismay,
To see their home extended, I must take action right away.
So now we’ve a conservatory, four bedrooms and two showers.
The Browns may have a big house, but it’s not as big as ours.


The Browns have two smart children; they go to private school,
Being a compact family suddenly feels uncool.
We only have the one boy; we hadn’t planned on more,
But now we’ve had to breed again so we’ve got two-point-four.


The Browns have ordered satellite; there’s a dish high on their wall.
We only have five stations so we can’t compete at all.
But now we’re having digital, ninety channels, interaction,
And I’m watching my new plasma screen with a smile of satisfaction.


The Browns installed some decking and two massive water features,
They’ve created a gigantic pond and filled it full of creatures.
So I’ve been on the internet and bought my own reptile.
And now I have to make a sign ‘Beware the Crocodile.’


The Browns built a pagoda, an arbour and a shed,
A tree-house for the children and a weed-free flower bed.
So we’ve had to do the same as them, but of course we’ve added more.
It’s taken every inch of space but we can still squeeze through the door.


My bank keeps making phone calls; there’s a loan shark on the street.
If I don’t pay my debts off soon I could wind up dead meat.
But money doesn’t matter; one-upmanship’s the game,
To get one over on the Browns my one and only aim.


Lately it’s been very quiet; there’s been no activity,
Perhaps the Browns have realised they cannot better me.
I’m feeling quite exhausted and a little bit perplexed.
But I’m ready for the challenge of whatever they do next.


Today it says ‘For Sale’ outside the house next door to mine.
The property stands empty; of Mr Brown there is no sign.
I thought I’d won the battle but nothing’s fair in life.
Because this morning I discovered he’s absconded with my wife.