Suffocating

*written during an extreme emotional event! parents love us, but for some reason, most of us go through those times where we feel as though they hate us and don't want us to have any fun. Some kids run away, some throw things at the wall. Me? I just write about it.

*November 2004*

I'm slowly suffocating
Dying, breathing becomes hard
Am I dead yet?
Please say yes.
I don't know how much longer
I can go on living
Like this.
Please kill me now
Before I do it myself.
Why can't I be strong?
Resist, remove their hands
From around my neck.
As I get older, their hands become tighter
And no one can hear me scream.
Inside I'm dying
On the outside I'm fine.
I tell them what they want to hear.
I barely know the person inside of me
Anymore.
Who is she?
Lost in a dark abyss
Quietly reminding me
That the life they have planned
Is not the life I want.
Their thoughts
Are not my own.
Their dreams
Do not belong to me.
As I utter "yes ma'am"
Another knife
Pierces my heart.
The pain is unbearable,
Yet somehow I find
The thought of pain on their faces
Worse.
So to keep them happy
I kill myself
My creativity
Is waning.
My fear
Increases.
The anger inside builds
How much longer
Before I break?
I can't tell them how I feel
And it makes me livid
I hate them for it,
Yet I hate myself more.
They're forcing me to hate
My upbringing.
Christianity - what is that?
Is it what they tell me?
Is there a God who loves me?
Or has He placed their hands
To kill?
They threaten.
I'm scared
To take a step.
They tell me to focus
But what on?
Their plan for me?
I do want to focus
On what I want
What makes me happy.
But no matter how hard I try,
I can't exacpe the chains
They've wrapped around me.
The more I struggle
The tighter they become.
I'm slowly suffocating
Dying, breathing becomes hard
Am I dead yet?
Please say yes.
- Brittany