Getting Over

I can still remember the look in his eyes that night. It was so terrifying, he looked as though he was on a quest and I was the conquest, the prize. That is a detail I will never forget.

I had met Nate a few weeks before, my roommate brought him home and seemed like a wonderful guy. His eyes were so captivating, a crystal blue I have never seen before. I just felt I had to get to know him and hang out with him more.

That night, we were all hanging out in Jon's room all of us drinking. I had gotten to the point where I felt I shouldn't drink any more so said I wanted a non alcoholic drink. Little did I know, the guys I thought that I could trust, I soon found out, I couldn't. I kept drinking not knowing the more I so called “pop” I drank the more drunk I got, they had spiked it so that I couldn’t taste it. I finally decided to go to bed because of classes the next morning

Nate came down with me because he had to get his things and I needed to sign him out of the building. As we walked through the door he closed and locked it. He used his body to block me from opening it. He pulled me close and started kissing me, when I tried to pull away, he just tightened his grip on me. He somehow overpowered me and my voice had escaped me.

I remember closing my eyes and that's all I remember. After he had left, I curled in a ball and cried. I felt as though I was dirty and shameful. I wasn't strong enough to over power him. No one would believe me because of how much I liked him, so I never told. The shame and filthy feeling just swelled up.

Each time I got into a new relationship, I was afraid it would happen again. I no longer wanted to be alone, but I never felt safe again. After that night I was never able to say "no" afraid that he would just take whatever he wanted.

That lasted for two years or more. Then I met a wonderful friend who I could trust and talk to. He helped me put more trust into Jesus. No matter how I felt about myself, Jesus still loved me. He showed me nothing that happened was because of me but because of that man.

The more trust I put into Jesus the more I healed. I leaned on him when I felt as though I was falling, I called on him for strength, he was there to hold me when I cried. Though I am still healing, I am in a loving relationship. Though in the beginning I was scared and stood on guard every time I was kissed. It has been two years since we met at a Chi Alpha meeting. I almost let my fears get the best of me but I am glad I didn't. We are now engaged to be married and I couldn't be happier. He helped heal me and showed me that all men are not like that one.

Although the sense of security is still a little shaky, I continue to pray, on my own and with my spiritual family as well as my fiancé. I cannot let fears run my life because then Nate would have control over my life again. I can't look to the past anymore, I need to look forward and see bright future there is. My security is better, the more I put my faith and trust in Christ, the more I heal.

The man that hurt me can never control me anymore, if anything he made me stronger as I grew. I only wish that I told someone sooner, maybe I could have saved someone from the same humiliation. I don't know what has happened to Nate and I don't care. I am writing this to let all the women out there know that things like this can happen to even if you think it can't. Have the strength to fight and not give in as I did, tell someone they will believe you.

Never will I let another man destroy me like that or control my life to the point where I was afraid to do anything. I have come to where I can talk without crying. The more I talk and the sponger I get and as I heal, his face escapes me and the look in his eyes has faded . . . I am my own woman and my life is mine.