Dim Lights Shining

After this long my eyes have gotten used to the dark, they don’t itch to see what’s hiding in the shadows because they know. It’s not cold here at least I don’t think so; I’ve lost all sensation that might have told me. Times before I used to fight to get out, but now this emptiness is my shelter from the world.
“Tatreana wake up, its time for school.”
Slowly I wake up. I can feel deep down inside that my body is falling into its rhythm. I know that it doesn’t matter if I pay attention because it’s the same every morning.
“Sorry, tat, I don’t have enough time to make you a lunch so you’ll have to make it yourself.”
“Fine.”
“Bye honey.”
“Bye.”
I wont bother making my self anything for lunch; I knew I wasn’t going to earlier. It’s been like this for some time already; it’s not that hard, after awhile your body gets used to the absence of food.
“Hey tat. Wait up.”
“Hi guys.” I said to a little group of friends. As we walked to my locker the little group chatted behind me. I’ve gotten used to zoning them out, their conversations are always about ‘OoOo he’s so cute.’ ’He’s so sexy.’ ’Did you see what she was wearing?’ Personally it’s not really my thing, to unimportant.
“Tatreana, here’s your test, I think we should talk after class.”
“Great.”
I sat through class dreading the talk that awaited me at the end. I hid my head under my arms trying to sleep for the remainder time but the school bell interrupted me signaling the end of class. My purple hair fell around me in waves as I walked to the teacher’s desk.
“Yes?” a chubby person asked startled to see a student in front of her.
“You wanted to see me?”
“Oh yes. Tatreana your marks are going down and 20% on a test doesn’t show me that you should be in this class. I suggest that you think about switching into a lower class, preferably one that’s closer to your ability.”
Her words came as such a shock that I just stood there as if I had walked into a wall. Was she trying to say I was dumb in a nice way? God! What a bitch!
The day went by boringly and uneventfully up until lunch. I sat in the midst of a bunch of yuppie people. How have I gotten myself involved with such different people with such different views?
I tend to zone out much like I have already.
Who does she think she is? What other class can I even get into this far into the year? Fuck off?
“Tat, what are you thinking about?” One of my friends, who has some how pulled her self out of the discussion about the newest fashion, asks me.
“Oh nothing. I think I’m going to go, see you later.”
“Okay, bye.”
I got up, picked up my stuff, and literally ran out of the caff. I needed a smoke; this day was stressing me out. Which is funny because cigarettes don’t actually calm your heart they speed it up. So I went and sat on a fence surrounded by snow thinking and inhaling today through my smoke.
Everyone, all my friends, talk as if they understand what I feel, but really does anyone here, has anyone sat awake in bed hoping that if they went to sleep they wouldn’t wake?
Or sitting alone in your room thinking of the different ways you could hurt yourself just to stop the pain in your heart?
No I don’t think they’ve felt that, and yet…there’s nothing saying that there indifferent to those kind of feelings.
Has anyone ever been left in a supermarket by their father, who never returned? I have. And I haven’t seen him since. Who’d want to?
I toss the butt of my smoke in a pile of snow but I don’t bother getting up yet. I have psychology next so I’m not in a big rush. I’ll just sit here a little longer marveling in the way the snow falls in little paths through the air. I can’t see why people hate winter it’s so beautiful. It’s the only time you can blame your cold heart, or your attitude of self worth on the cold itself. It’s my armor, my shield, which by now is wearing thin. I know people don’t believe my excuses anymore; I’ve gotten lazy in weaving them, that’s all there is to it, you have to be able to start with something believable enough to work off of. But I’ve lost my interest in peoples reactions. “Oh yeah I got that scratch from this baby bear last summer who wondered to faraway from its home. LOL it was so cute. But my dad got mad so I had to leave it. I wonder if it ever found its way home. Have you ever worn real fur before? Because…”
I personally find that if you trail off into a completely different story they forget about finding out if the first part was true. But as I said before I’ve lost my will to spin these tales, now its just straight to the point. “Oh that scar, I got that from a razor.”
Have you ever herd the song by the Styx ‘come sail away’ I used to listen to it when I’d cut myself, dreaming that I could just get up and leave, that everything would be better, more happy, more free. It never happened. Go figure.
By now I’ve finally gotten up and started walking into the school. This is a ritual with me, I do not rush because I don’t find it recommended, its not like your going to want to be there anymore if you get there quickly.
Today in psycho were working on this stupid pre-school idea that we have to design. I don’t have to do anything, none of my fellow classmates rely on me to do the work, eh I aint gona complain. So instead I sit with my head cocked to the side, listening to the little bursts of excited ideas. This whole thing has become too incomprehensible for my ‘intellect’ for me to be even remotely interested. So I take out my sketchbook and begin sketching this girl who is sitting across from me. She can sense someone watching her so she lifts up her head and looks at me with a questioning gaze. But I knew this would happen and I also knew that she wouldn’t have the guts to ask me to stop so instead she shifts repeatedly in her chair trying to forget the intruders eyes. Mind you I don’t care, she’s fascinating, the whole human race is fascinating, and stupid. Yes I realize I’m calling my self-stupid also, but we are no matter how may times we create something we kill more things instead. The end of the class rolls up and by now I’ve finished my little masterpiece, and right when the buzzer goes I’m gone. I’ve timed it and figured out exactly when and how to get out of my classes without being noticed. I don’t take my picture with me though, no it’s my little gift to this girl I’ve annoyed, and I leave it on her desk without the slightest notice. I like to think these people I find and sketch keep their portraits because they’re not like regular ones, no I capture how people look behind their masks, I draw what they try to hide. I haven’t yet found one in the garbage and I’ve seen a couple of them pinned up in their owner’s locker. No one has ever thanked me though I don’t really care, I just like showing them themselves. That’s why this day is particularly different. After psychology class, once I had submerged without any detection, and had made my way to my locker, this girl confronts me.
“Why did you draw me?”
“Straight to the point I like that. Why because.”
“That’s not a real answer.”
“Huh and to think I thought you’d be to scared to confront me.” I was surprised, not frightened, I enjoy surprises, however you see my diagnoses of people has never been wrong, so I was taken aback. “Why do you want to know so badly?”
“Why because.”
OoOoO she was feeling bold.
“I wanted you to know what was behind your mask.”
“Behind my mask? I’m not wearing any mask.”
“Wow, you could have fooled me. No, no I mean the things you try to hide away from people. Did I mention you’re rather amusing to watch, especially when you know someone’s staring. You fidget a lot, but then what human doesn’t.” I tend to ramble on when putting on a show.
“Wow I thought you didn’t know how to make sentences let alone have a theory on humanity. ”
“Blah. See I can sound intellectual when I want to, mind you I don’t really think teachers know that, their to consumed by there self concepts to even notice a butterfly sit on their nose.”
She chuckled, not an all out laugh, but still a chuckle, and not one of those hollow ones my ‘friends’ do when they flirt, but a genuine one. Weird I’ve noticed many things, but I’ve never really noticed the way someone laughs not until now at least.
“What way do you walk home?” Why would someone want to know that, it’s of no impotence to anyone?
“That way.” I said as I pointed north. “Why”
“Oh. Just wondering, we might have been able to walk home together but I walk west.”
“…Okay” Once again, why do I care, and yet deep inside of me something has changed I feel…sad…no…disappointed…yes disappointed. I haven’t felt disappointed in a long time. I didn’t even feel disappointed when my mother told me daddy wasn’t coming home. So that was the end of our conversation and right before she left, she turned around and said, “Thanks for the picture.” I was stunned for the second time that day.
As I got out I lit up another smoke, still thinking of what had just occurred. It was as if deep down inside a monster had turned over, it wasn’t a drastic change, just a little one, one that I could barely tell had taken place. I took a long drag from my smoke, and letting it out slowly I watched it dance around with the snowflakes lazily. Today had proposed problems in my journey through my life like little stones along my path. That night I wasn’t going to dwell on the teacher ‘incident’, no that was behind me or put away until a convenient time came up.
I didn’t lay long in my bed that night because something told me I would be safe, something told me that yes I would wake the next day, but I didn’t worry about it, no I forgot it as soon as my head it the pillow which like earlier never happened.