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The ups and downs and the ins and outs! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  I am just getting used to this "blogging" thing so bare with me! ( I am also aware that my grammar, punctuation and spelling need working on.)
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| well it is early in the morning here and it is cold and wet again. (I hate winter!) I was fortunate enoough to read Cinn   entry about nicknames (sorry should have added the link, still find this confusing)I quite often think about nicknames we too are a family who now like nicknames. when the big kids dad and I were courting and actually the whole time we were together he called me Panda (Amanda the Panda) When we had our first child though we were adament that I son was not going to have his name Channing shortened. Ever! To the point of telling family (DO NOT SHORTEN HIS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!) But then Child number 2 came along. Her name is Mahalia-Rose (after the great Mahalia Jackson). When she was about 0ne and could crawl around independently, we went to an out door picnic concert and although we had plently of food Mahalia crawled around to several people picnics stopping briefly to help herself to some of their food and then moved on the the next picnic. It was so cute and amuzing. It wa like watching a magpie bird swoop down repeadedly to get food. so from that day on she was known as Swoop, the swoop and then that would sometime mutate to the Sweep or the sweeper. However at the age of about twelve she decarled that her name was Mahalia and was not to be called any thing else. It was so hard to get out of the habbit of calling her those names. During this time and I have no idea where it came from but Channing's Dad started calling him Jimmy James. This soon became Jimmy or Jim. He is 19 now and still gets called Jim or Jimmy. Something that blew me away year later is when my mum reminded me that grandad was always nown as Jim even though his real name was Roland. My next youngest daughter Anisa from a very young age gets called Noony or Noon She always gets called this still now at 13 but I think she is just so used to it that it does not bother her. My youngest son Taj 6 his nickname and again I am not sure where it came from is Boo or The Boo which as he is learning his rhyming words reminds me it rhymes with Poo. I do not really have a nickname now unless you include the fact that the Big kids dad now calls me Mum all the time (we have been seperated for coming on 9 years so I banned him calling me panda) So nicknames i love them and where they come from thank you Cinn Oh an my sister and her family have always been known as the Ferals nothing feral about them! Blessings Andi |
| So I pull out of the driveway and start driving up the road. Out of nowhere I turn to Anisa and say "It is the 13th right?" Her response "Um...no mum, it's the 7th" "Crap" So we are now back home and I have another week to ponder the birthday party...oh joy of joys1 Blessings Andi |
| My joy of joys...Not! I am taking my youngest child and son to a little friends 6th Birthday party this morning. Most mothers would have joy in there heart about such a thing but me...not so much. I think it is my older age catching up with me. It is unfortunate for him that he was born the last of 5 children and that I had him at the age of 37. I remember back to when the big kids were young and how much energy I had. Oodles of it and then some. Now these days I struggle to get out of my own ways somtimes I am so bloody tired (Chronic fatigue doesnt help the situation.) Also when my big kids were eventually in the mainstream school system (as they were homeschooled till the ages of 12,9 and 6 respectivley) I was so involved. I became class parent and joined the P&C association and before I knew it I was theie treasurer, I was at the school more than I was at home as I put my hand up for everything. Now that my son is in his second year of schooling, though still in Pre Primary (as he repeated) I have gone in the complete opposite direction. We have just finished first semester and I have managed to not engage with one single parent from his class. Not neccesarrily a consious effort to do so but I feel tarnished and tired from the endless hours upon hours that went into the big kids schooling. So I decided I had to bite the bullet. When I looked in his tray and found the B'day invite my first reaction was 'oh really!!!!!!" of course as I was thinking that I put my 'shit smile' on for Taj and said "how exciting!" I do not even know what the child looks like and least of all which parent belongs to this child. Taj will be of no help If I say "Point out which child is Sam for me" he will just look at me and say "Ugh, don't know" So I have enlisted the help of my next youngest daughter to accompany me to the party, she is just 13 but a true little blessing she is. Because the last thing I want is to be sitting there looking like a loner so I at least have Anisa to cushion the akwardness as I finally attempt to engage and mingle with the parents. I assure you I am not a horrible mother but also with age I really have a low tollerence for Bullshit talk and fakeness. However, for my sons sake I realise i cannot avoid it. So I am going to suck it up and put on the show of my life. Well just about time to leave, wish me luck on my venture. Maybe I will get some good tales to tell. Blessings Andi |
| Greetings all 7/5/14 It is 10.30pm here and I have been lying in bed reading. No one may find this unusual but for me it is very unusual. My anxiety grasps me so tight a lot of the time and it prevents me from being able to read for sometimes years at a time, due to lack of concentration, blurred vision from medication (even with my glasses on!) and my brain just not being able to absorb what I am reading. The other day though I picked up a book that my youngest teen had purchased not long ago (but she herself has not read yet.) and found that I was able to read it with some ease. As you can imagine I have been very excited about this and have been reading when time allows. This book has drawn me in and the main female character is awesome! I have fallen in love with her brazenness, her ambivalence and her passion for life. I have been getting signals from the start that there is something deep and underlying going on within her and I have just reached a part of the book where she has a terrible reaction to a certain situation. It brought a tear to my eye to feel her pain but then I realized I was feeling my own pain. I have had to shut the book and I am scared to go back to it and see how it unfolds. This is the reason I do not watch the news, hardly any TV and definitely not the newspaper. I get so deeply affected by what I read. Which you may say is the whole point! And it is. But I struggle with the fact that I get such extreme emotions to so many things. I mean for fricks sake! I have even been known to cry watching a sponge bob episode. (FYI Sponge bob is so the coolest dude!) Anyways I just wanted to get this off my chest or I will not be getting any sleep tonight. I will be brave and face my fear and find out what happens to young Sky and now I have yet another thing to process. YAY!!!!! Blessings Andi |
| Mushy brain syndrome This syndrome is mostly found in over stressed individuals. Symptoms: Inability to focus and connect thought processes together to accomplish the desired outcome of the task at hand. Fussy headed, confusion,anxiety, distress, lethargy, and sometimes tears. Finding oneself standing in one place looking blankly into thin air looking confused and concerned. mumbling to oneself in disjointed wording. Eg: 'If I do this now then I can do that then! but hang on... how do I fit this in? One has a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. Treatment: Is based on 6 main actions. Stop, Breathe, Hydrate,let go, nurtue, Gratitude. Stop where you are physically and mentally. Take several deep mindful breathes, relaxing into each breathe feeling a little more tension realese on each breathe. Drink a glass of water. (Note to self, my brain does not work without water.) Letting go is the process of realising that one cannot carry all burdens oneself and sometimes need to take a break from problems causing mushy brain syndrome. the process of doing this can be modified to suite the indiviual. This is mearly an example of how one can let go. Firstly recognize that mushy brain syndrome is process. I Say to myslef either in my mind or physically out loud. "At this time this/these burdens are to great fo me to deal with. I hand these issues over to the higher power of my understanding. Let go let divine. (ie:use what wording fits for yourself) Nuture: I then go and just chill out for a bit. for me that is either a lie down, a meditation or just simply zoneing out watching TV for half an hour or read a book Gratitude: It is important with mushy brain syndrome to still find at least one thing to be grateful for. Gratitude helps to restore balance and remind me that mushy brain syndrome is also providing me with blessings. Outcomes: In the act of following the above treatment. I find that after sometime of restoring I am now capable to attend to the takd at hand. All be it I may have to follow this process again through out the day but slowly I get on task one issue at a . time. I do find that mushy brain syndrome sometimes means I have to completley let go for the rest of the day. In this case I reassure myself that tomorrow is a new day of new beginings. If you are suffering from mushy brain syndrome modify the above to suite your desired outcome. Blessings Andi |
| Tuesday 24/6/14 Upon reading Jessica's ramblings (sorry I do not know how to add a link will learn though) the words "Man Crush" were mentioned and this took me down the path of thinking of my son! No! NO not down that path, You have a twisted mind! hahahaha My eldest son is all of 19 yrs old and he loves his family and he LOVES his friends. He left yesterday morning on his first overseas adventure without family for the first time. LMAO!!!! hahahahahahahahaha I laugh because yes he did go over seas but not to a new country or far off city, merley to a little island off the coast of Perth, called Rottnest! Rottnest is only about a half an hour boat ride (which by the way they dont mind charging a fortune for) and the island itself takes only about an hour to walk around, from beggining to end. However this is Channing's first rottnest adventure (it is too expensive for the average family, hence why he has never been!) Anyways "Man Crush" they were the words. My son and his friends, bloke to bloke, always tell each other that they Love the other person. I hear him chinwagging on the phone organising his next big night out and at the end of every call I hear him say "Love you bro" and I know it has been said back. I adore the fact that this new generation of young men are not afraid to show and speak their feelings for each other I know back in my day if a guy had told another guy that he loved him he probably would had got a punch in the face. And when they greet each other in person yes there is the bro hand gestures and fist punches but they also hug! It is an endering quality. And they mess around with each other about whom they each have a "Man crush"on. I know recently on Facebook my son posted a pic of him and one of his mates with there arms around each other and my sons mate's Mum Said "Jord, is this Channing coming out of the closet, you know letting his parents know he is gay" Jord told us this and Channing just cracked up and told Jord's mum that she was the first on his invite list to the wedding. For Jord's Mum and myself this is not what WE grew up with. Not only do they have each other's bacs I know and they know they can go to their mate and show emotions. I am so proud of the lovely young man my son has grown into. (Good job MUM!) Blessings to you all till next time Andi |
| SHIT!!!!!!!! I wake at 4.30 am it is now 5.30am My 13 yr old daughter hasn't been to school for a bloody month now. We had a huge meeting at the school (Yet again!) last Thursday and my daughter said she would come back to school today! So what am I greeted with at 4.30 this morning when I just want to sit out back have my coffee and a ciggie! My 13 yr old daughter saying "I'm not going for the first two periods of school today" I'm like "UM WHY!" "Because its science and I cant just jump straight into it or I am going to hate it so I am going at recess!" she is very strategic for she knew somewhere deep down inside that I had not had my coffee yet and also that there was 4 other people still sleeping who could not be woken up so I start challenging her on this but of course it is in whispers. making my point while whispering just did'nt cut it and my mind was mush, pleading with me to make it some coffee! so who won? The 13 yr old, who tricked me. She had youth on her side and the energy to match this! at bloody 4.30 am Curse not being on the ball so early in the morning!!!! And darling daughter "JUST GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" |
| The Darkness was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It's blackness so complete and heavy, I could not see myself, or any part of me. I only had a sense that I existed amongst the darkness that consumed me. I had heard of a gate that led to the "Land of Light" Only in silent mutterings, in distant corners. They passed as quickly as they came This darkness, I am tiring of. I have also glimpsed this gate. so fleeting, a tease, a muse, Out of my sight, out of my reach. There is no map to get to this gate. This land definatley no GPS Address. This darkness is so engulfing and forever I am being blocked, no way forward, to the gate I know is beyond. One day in sheer frustration and anger I shouted! "Will someone please open the gate for me, for the light beyond will surely guide me!" Breathing heavy with desperation, brought to my knees with the weight of disilusion, I heard a far off voice. "We cannot open the gate even if we wanted!" My anger rose but only a saddened, tired voice came from me. "But why?" Tears streaming down my face as defeat had hit me hard again. “We do not hold your key!” the distance voice said. Confusion and panic overtook me as I searched in the darkness for my key. “But I hold no key, where do I find it?” I now pleaded, desperate again. “The dragon holds the key, his is big, beastly and seemingly unbeatable. He breathes fire that has shunned many away!” Fear was gripping me. I was no match for a dragon. But curiosity got the better of me. Timidly but with determination I spoke. “Where do I find this dragon?” The voice from beyond was calm and direct. “Only you can find the dragon and retrieve the key!” My surly inner teen burst forth with the sarcastic thought of “Of course it is!!!!!!!!” I quickly settled my inner teen realizing that I and only I was responsible for my lonely, fearful inner child and my surly sarcastic inner teen. My heart pounding and my mouth dry I dared to ask “Can you guide me at all?” “All I can tell you is what I know myself.” The voice calmly began. “You must enter the Dragon’s Den. Upon which you will be faced with many obstacles of that which you will have to face with truth, love and strength in your heart.” There was a brief pause from the voice before he continued. “You will come face to face with fear, guilt, shame, anger. A loneliness you thought could never exist and a sadness so deep and overwhelming you may truly believe that you might die from it……. Fear will grip you! Fear will tell you to turn and run as far away as you can. But your challengeis to face these foe’s put before you, as they will benefit you well. For each daemon you face, feel and befriend, will calm the dragon. Once all is done, the dragon will be tamed and the key you can take with ease, eventhough you ay feel that sheer exhaustion will prevent you. The reward, I must tell you is the greatest reward in life! The key, to the Garden of Light. Where freedom can be found. A freedom you can’t possibly imagine even existed.” My head bowed as I again was knelt over one knee. Fear was racing through me at a pace I could not keep up with. Every part of me was screaming to run and hide! As surley this had served me well in the past, had it not! “Or had it!” a voice in my mind said that sounded a lot like my own. These three words hit me hard and I felt them in the pit of my stomach, churning. I breathed, sighing heavily as I mustered all my strength. Lifting my head, staring into the blackness. I shouted with courage in my voice. “DO NOT FORGET ME, FOR I WILL SEE YOU SOON1.” I was still. The fear inside me worse than I had ever felt before but as I stood with my fear, hand in hand ad face to face. For the first time ever I saw a far off glow of light, so tiny to my eye. But still!......... IT WAS LIGHT! My fear had become courage, My journey had begun. |
| Yesterday was one really weird days. I dropped my son off to have a play at my sisters and then was planning on going to meet with a friend. However just before I left my sister's place I got a phone call from my friend and she was as sick as a dog. well she didn't feel like company and I sure as heck did not want or need a bad cold. I now had the day to do what I wanted but nowhere to go. I drove down to the beach and pondered for some time. I had recieved a message a couple of dasy earlier from an old male friend of mine but I had not answered. He is someone who I have known for coming on 5 years now. we had a very up and down thing going on. So I decided to reply to the message and long story short he asked me to come over to his place. I typed 'yes on my way; but my head was saying 'why are you going there!' It was strange driving there as I felt like something other than myself was taking me there because several times I said to myself out loud "why am I going there!" This is a man that I gave my heart to. This was the man who had broken my heart several times (not through infidality) and here I was driving to his house. It made no sense to me at all but I went with the flow and thought to myself 'you obviously need to see him, all be it, one last time to really see that he is never going to change' It had been six months since I had seen him and I had little contact with him during this time. I arrived quite calm and with expectation that things would unfold as they usually did. I was greeted at the door by him, which in the first place was different as he usually just texts me on the way there that the door is open and to just come in. I had my guard up as we went through to the lounge room and I sat with my arms and legs crossed. (quite definate body language!) and then he started to speak with no abandon. He spoke words I had never heard him speak before, he spoke with emotion and actually looked me in the eye as he spoke. He spoke of having a heart (something I thought he would never get in touch with). I was so taken aback by what he was saying and how he was delivering his words with such passion that I was actually speechless. I was meeting this person for the very first time. (so to speak) I think my jaw was actually dropping to the floor. He didn't just speak of his love for me but of his passion and direction to serve others. He is a suffer of ADHD and he unfloded to me this amazing plan to start a non profit organization for the whole familys of those affected by a child with ADHD. He said for the first time in his life it was not all about him, but others. My whole world was turned upside down in a matter of moments. It was both wonderful and frightening all at the same time. He said he did not expect me to trust in him that this was real and that he would have to prove it to me. WOW!!!!!! I guess I am going to find out if this is real, I sure hope it is. |
| Blessings in my MUD PIT! It is early where I am and I didn't get a chance to get on WDC yesterday. But it was a good day. My little mud pit seems to be getting bigger by the day and the pain of trudging through it knee deep has been tiring. But I had great blessing's yesterday. I had an appointment at 10am where I got some very useful information about my role in my daughters eating disorder. I cherish the input of my female mentor. Blessing Number 1 After that I got to spend some quality time with my darling man Sean. Three whole hours! Blessing number 2 I then zoomed down and picked my big boy up from the ferry as he returned from his three day break in Rottnest. It was only 3 days but I missed him a lot. Blessing number 3 My darling eldest daughter came and had dinner with us and stayed the night. I have not seen her in about 6 weeks. Her laugh just makes me smile. Her being here brought light relief to the pressures the house has been under. Blessing number 4 I even stayed up till about 9pm!!!! that is huge for me!!!!!!! Today the journey is just beginning but I look forward to it renewed somewhat. Blessings Andi |
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It's too bad that you missed that opportunity when you were younger. It seems like it would have been really great, but you do what you can to provide despite the decisions you make. Now you've got another opportunity that you can take, which is exciting!
I don't know but I did feel strongly it was the perfect prompt. So maybe you both projected your thoughts to me.
