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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| And today I called my local representative. I hate that Tuesdays are so busy. On the list for tomorrow: researching Iowa's suck it up buttercup law (because, yes, that's being considered and it is most likely at least as dreadful as it seems) and making phone calls to my reps in the state house, too. I told my mother that I cared about this today. She said she'd call, too, if I sent her the proper numbers. And that I should run for office if it bothers me this much. I told her I wasn't sure if I was the person people would follow. But that idea is in my head now, and I don't know where it will lead me. I love and hate my editing project right now. I see my art echoing life in different places and I want to edit it out, to create something different, but I also need to be true to my experiences. Funny, when I was younger I didn't think I'd ever be a feminist, or a humanist, or a whateverist. But I was in school in a much different time. Answer: The Ides of November would have been the 13th. Must be the supermoon. The world is going to hell in a handbasket. |
| I woke up at 330. And since then I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried. I should not be crying in the middle of the night for a loss that I can't really explain, but I am. This is part of how this election has changed me and the world around me. There was an article, I don't know when exactly, but somewhere near the debates - and it talked about how the emotional abuse tactics that Trump used during the debates were dredging up memories in abused women. They were right. The result has made this entire campaign worse for me. Bad enough that he turned on a light for this incredibly hateful underbelly of this country - but so many of them take his win as a reason to take it out on their fellow men. I am heartbroken. I feel like the scar tissue from all the sexual assaults, harassments, and other abuses have been ripped off and the wounds are so much more vivid because of that. I woke up this morning thinking I need a self-defense class. And a lot more therapy. And to stop looking in fear at males that I know a little but not very well, worrying about what might happen. Not everyone is a narcissistic asshole. But I have deleted facebook friends (that i hadn't met but are promoting hate and bad-lower memes) and one, whom i have known from college (Jori's' husband), I have had to unfollow because he is simply stirring up the pain and hoping to cause more discomfort during this time of unrest. I cannot handle it. Apparently I can't handle a lot of things when I wake up in the middle of the night crying and my only solution is a self-defense class. For the first time, I read about Trumps proposed gun reforms and I'm thinking about purchasing one. And my heart hurts from that idea. The words echoing in my head this morning, that will go into Next Jane somewhere - when they tell you it's his word against yours it means they believe his word, and not yours. |
| I'm tired. So what else is new? I suppose it's been a busy month. ICON submissions were due the 1st, and I've been slowly going through them. I'm not sure what to do for one of them. He's brilliant but I feel like i've missed something important in his story. (Second read-through today, comments, whatever.) I've been hating what I sent off. Then I told a person about it at swim lessons, and I might have had a change of heart. But only a little. I still think I really missed something in that story, and I don't know what it is just yet. Dilbert's been sick. It always feels like the he's messing up my week, but this time he did go to the doctor. And DocSheer found hernias (more than one?) and they don't think that's what's causing his pain. So there might be something else wrong with him. Like we need something else? He need surgery. I couldn't be there for the CT scan (i said I'd sub weeks ago) and I won't be there for the surgery consult because it's Tempest's Halloween party at the same time. It's always something. Workout Partner asked what was new, and so I told him. He talked about laziness in his ex-wife. Funny, I guess we have a few things in common. One is music. The other seems to be fitness. he also said I need to be there when Dogbert needs to learn to play baseball. I'd like it to be a joke, but it really isn't. I did laugh when he said I needed to put that boy in a sport because he's so energetic.  He's a firefighter. And he offered to allow my kids to visit (with me and my husband) on a Sunday. I guess Sunday is the family and friends kind of day. Tempest was seriously impressed for fire safety. She tried to ask an intelligent question and I swear she absorbed every word he said. Dogbert was less impressed, but he did ask the guy "Um, what's in your pants?" I kinda wanted to melt into the floor, but the answer was his wallet.  My husband wasn't feeling well (imagine that? He said it was his sinuses and not specifically his abdomen, but I don't know about Dilbert.) So only the kids and I went. We had a really good time. He's also ruining sleeves for me. And the long opera gloves for Scarlet Overkill costume. Because, yes, I am getting stronger. But those muscles just don't fit in shirts that actually fit the rest of my body! And in exchange, I'm making him more limber, more flexible. It's slow going, because he's a bit older than I am and he hasn't stretched in years. But he sees why he should, and I'm glad I can make a difference for someone. Because I've long since given up hope of changing anything about Dilbert. He is who he is, he's going to sit on the damn couch, and his most strenuous hobby is either brewing beer or tailgaiting. He doesn't stretch and I can't even say I'm surprised that he's got a hernia, maybe I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. And I can make a difference for my kids. Because at least they'll have one parent they see moving. Not just hiking or biking or teaching fitness classes, but get up and do things, adventure, conquer challenges- just because the world exists. They have so much energy, that's true - they need an outlet and not to let it drain away or whatever Dilbert's done. Also, side note, cancer sucks and I know far too many people struggling with it right now. The RPG gamemaster? has it in the bowels. One of the writers who ought to be coming next week to ICON but will be skyping in? Hodgkins. G's surviving grampa? Has it in the esophagus. Pastor at the church? Has it in the tongue. And that's not counting about six once-removed friends of my people who struggle, too. We didn't watch the third debate, and Dilbert mostly slept through more of Once Upon A Time, which we're catching up on instead of watching the debate. Plus the news of hernias and something else perhaps wrong with him is troubling both of us. The costumes came today> Scarlet Overkill for Tempest and for me, plus Jake (of Jake and the Neverland Pirates) for Dogbert. I need a crinoline and it'll be perfect. I have orange hair as of today, and Dogbert adores it, which will also look nice with the spider bride costume. And with the proper undergarment on, I think I'm pretty close to where I want it altered. Plus i managed the foundation garment all by myself! (This is a feat, I had to get help in the dressing room because I was in a hurry. It's very secure, however, and that's exciting.) The gems should come tomorrow, because i WILL be Scarlet Overkill with the oversized ruby saying if you can take it from me you can be my henchmen!  Plus there's been trouble over getting me books. And I am not sure what else to do about that ,but I need to do something. No wonder I'm exhausted. Also, for the record: 1325 days in a row at 750words.com and 33 days in a row at Duolingo (Swedish). Got school pictures for both kids and they're adorable.  |
| *breathes* So... Friday we went to Jump Into Fall, a school event for Tempest. We expected G and her family, and they were there. Did not necessarily expect S and her family since they switched districts (Don't get me started on how full Bettendorf is on itself but S's family is buying into it). However, it was nice to be all together. EXCEPT - Saturday I get a text from S's mom about how Tempest said something that bothers S's mom. She couldn't give me context, but the quote is "no we don't talk to her anymore and we will never talk to her again!" Supposedly about G's friend whom I've never heard of before, possibly a neighbor. G heard it, G's mom did not, as relayed to me by S's mom (which only puts my radar up, apparently, because S's mom discussed this with G and her mother, and S - but I guess S didn't hear it either). I feel my spine prickling just wrapping my head around all of that. S's mother texted me suggesting I talk to my daughter about this because this isn't a nice thing to say about someone. And that's when I started getting defensive. Because it isn't about her daughter. I have NO idea what context is between my daughter and this other girl, or even if G is involved between it at all. The other part is I know my daughter well enough to know that she's not going to remember something she said in passing unless there's something emotional behind it, and if there had been that we'd have all noticed. Sometimes it's just what these girls say and they work it out. They're 7, and mostly they don't hold grudges for long. S's mom also could not provide context at all. Only this simple line and who it was directed to. Dilbert advised to not get defensive, to just say I'll talk to Tempest and leave it at that, so I attempted to. And while I did talk to Tempest, she has no idea who this little girl is and she has no recollection of saying those words. (Big sigh.) So S's mom sees me Monday at the Y, asks how I am, to which I reply sweaty. It was after class and it is exactly the sentiment for after that class. Then she texts me again when she's off work and I'm all clean. How did the talk go with Tempest? All I said was "fine why?" She said she just wanted to know, and i refused to respond to it. WHY IS SHE CHECKING UP ON ME? I talked to Mrs. Light today, and she understands why I'm on edge about this, that S's mom has overstepped, and when I asked her if I was being unreasonable about this (a question I often ask her if I am worried about overreacting) she reminded me that because of how my parents overstepped in so many ways when I was young, that I am likely more sensitive to this kind of line being crossed. I appreciate Mrs. Light's insight. No wonder she's my bestie, huh? She knows me well enough to understand why I'm just so not okay with all of it. But she gives me enough perspective to recall when I was younger and how my parents did all of those things to me and how I got sensitive to it in the first place. But that doesn't mean I can just let it go. I guess I'm re-evaluating my friendship with S's mom this week. When S, G, and Tempest are all out together, S and G run off and Tempest has to catch up - which is something I generally leave them to figure out and not interfere. It's that raising an adult and not a child thing- I'm not going to be a referee forever. I can't. That's not what a mother should be. I know I was way more independent as a 7 year old than my daughter is, but I need to remember to push her toward being more independent and not fixing everything for her. Back to breathing. Breathing is good. |
Made an order Wednesday. They said it'd be here Friday, by 8. All the other stuff we ordered arrived during the day, around 3. 8 came and went, and still no package.  And tracking still says it's on time. I only have a week to finish this story. And I don't know. Couldn't go visit the Lights, because they're sick. And I'm tired and sad. Plus I have a sub tomorrow so there's no point to go to yoga. Think I'm heading to the studio for yoga instead, and I'm not sure what else. Hope I can at least get through this story tomorrow. After the school thing (Dilbert was late. He was working. He forgot.), we were late going and we got home 7:15. So he went back to work for a few hours. I'm exhausted. But i did get the kids to bed and I just don't know. |
| Workout partner pushes me. Except this time, when I pushed myself to do PiYo and then said yes when he asked if we wanted to run. Stupid me. Don't say yes after PiYo. My legs have been burning for four days (now) because I did that new PiYo lesson for 3 in a row- Mon, Tues, Wed. And not yet have I done the entire thing.  But... I ate lunch before I met him, because I get hangry and I don't like to put that on people. He wiped a crumb from my mouth with his hand. Didn't tell me, just did it. Then, later, when I was flagging because I am NOT a runner, he smacked my butt. We also saw a flipping mosquito? that had wings as wide as my hand and from tip to tail was a few inches longer than my hand. WTF on both counts. |
| So... having friends is difficult. G's Mom still suffers from PTSD. She said she hadn't been to therapy all summer lately, and she mentioned she can't drive by her parents' old house (sold and occupied by a new family for several months now) which means she can't come to my house because she would have to drive past that house to get here, AND Tempest is overwhelming to her. [Tempest is a lot of noise, all the time. However, I can't make Tempest be calm and quiet and take her turn in conversation. G befriended her anyway in Kindergarten, and they've been good friends. S moved out of the district. Persia open enrolled her kids out of the district. The only other friend in her class has occasoinally gone to S's house on Wednesdays last year and to G's house on Wednesdays this year. Tempest asks me if she can have this girl to her house sometime on Wednesdays, but it isn't up to me. I've never been asked. I do'nt know why. And it's hard to hang out on Wednesdays when G's mom is overwhelmed by my girl and can't visit my house. Our old gymnastics friend - the one we switched to Tuesdays to at least see more often - switched out of Tuesdays before summer started, and we haven't seen her since her birthday party. Tempest tells me she misses this girl a lot and keeps asking to see her, and all I get in response are "oh, we're busy" and "oh, we're out of town." I don't know how many of these responses I'm supposed to field before I give up and say they must not be friends anymore. At least R&D's daughter is still friends with Tempest. And Photogirl's daughters. But R&D are recovering from having a little baby and Photogirl's kids live across town and get out of school later than we do. Today I started being very curious about Tempest and G's interactions at school. Because I want to know how much G's mom affects their play. Lately when G's mom is with us, she's trying to get Tempest to be calm and quiet (like her daughter) and G doesn't complain. But her mother is very much trying to control the situation. While I get that Tempest can get super excited about things, I'm not sure that G is unhappy with how that goes? That's hard to describe. |
| I ordered a gymnastics mat off amazon. Even though we now have prime, and it was sort of prime eligible? it says itl'l be here in like a week. Sigh. Tempest is a bundle of determined energy when it comes to gymnastics. She was watching videos, working on her handstands, showing off before the make-up class, and then did the make-up class and wanted to try more tricks when she got home, and was sad when I informed her it was bedtime. She wasn't thrilled to be making up the class in the "old gym" but I explained to her that I'd paid for the session so she'd complete it, and I tried to explain the overlap to her. She sort of gets it, and she stopped complaining. She was in a class with older girls today- 8 and 9, but it wasn't more advanced. They still stretch for 20 min.  I'm a yoga teacher, and I like stretching significantly more than most of the next guys, but that's insane. We saw an hour class at the one gym, and they did 10 min stretching, 10 min on each apparatus, ended nearly exactly an hour, time to get girls out of the way and new ones out there for something else. (Floor was replaced by tumbling, but it took place where the floor exercise would be.) The other gym's class was 1.5 hours, and it was still about 10 min stretching. I wouldn't want her to go out and actually try to challenge those kids, though. Tempest hasn't done any beam work there this week. Trampoline, bars, spiderweb, rope. No tumbling, either. How many minutes has she spent this year, sitting on the floor, with one ankle crossed over the other knee, doing circles with said ankle? It occurs to me she was perfectly happy before i put her in that tumbling class. Before she saw the Olympics. Before she realized she was bored. But life after proves to be interesting. She'll compete?! Life before was also BEFORE she realized she really loved it. Before she would passionately turn cartwheels for as far as there was room. Before she wanted to do handstands for half an hour in my living room. Before she set her intention to do it. I won't say she's the best. I won't say a lot of things, but I'm going to let her lead this thing. I'm tired. I'm seriously sore from yesterday (bike 8 miles, upper body workout plus stretched out partner, hard class - ended up having terrible form on those last few push-ups during class becuase i couldn't hold them anymore, and a little bit a tai chi). fitbit said over 10k steps (a rarity for me to get , oddly) and 106 active minutes. Dogbert has been ignoring me. I have to find a way to engage him. Not sure how I'm going to do that. At least he really loves his new school. He's excited to go after a bit of a bumpy start. but he's napping, and now he doesn't want to go to bed at night. Oh, and not to forget it is the 15th wedding anniversary today. Visited R&D's new baby boy, and his head seems small. Then I really thought about it, and realized my kids had monster heads for their size. Well, gee, just to make it easy to push out. MONSTER HEADS! And one had a monster body, too. |
| If you don't practice as much, does that mean you're going to not be as good? I'm struggling with the decision between gyms. 1. 8 hours a week. That's huge. I don't know what to do about it. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around 8 hours per week. And it wouldn't be right away, it would start next school year. She'd have a more grueling schedule for summer, most likely. 2. 1.5 hours a week, and she can compete now. She has the basic skill levels in bar and beam and she's close on the third part. And it stays to that sort of practice until Level 6, rather than 8 hours at Level 3. 3. What kind of burnout rate do you see among competing gymnasts? 4. What do I do for Dogbert during that time? There's only so long I can drag him from one of Tempest's things to the next of Tempest's things. He's 4, and he wants to do his own things, too. While I'm initially really on board with the soft-core gym, Dilbert brought up the point of how great she'd be with that much practice. And she would. So I just can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Damn, parenting. Do you have to be so hard? |
| I was only half joking when I posted on FB about researching to create a mini-gym in my living room for Tempest. I found tumbling mats, about 60-80 each, and I think I'd need 2 for the living room. I'd need something to block off the stairs, but she's old enough to learn to aim better perhaps. A balance beam on the floor runs around 65, and one propped a few inches above is 125. And a small bar just off the floor to practice those handstand skills is 75-110. We went to the first gym last night. And unlike where she is now, they spent about 10 min stretching in the beginning, including splits skills. Then her group tumbled, did the beam, went to bars, then vault. It was well-timed to be done just before the hour was up. Tempest hasn't been on a real vault before. I haven't seen them use it for her classes. She wasn't required to do an entire vault where she is, but she had to run, jump up with the springboard, and then tumble over with round mats to guide her. She hasn't done bars the way they were doing them here for quite a while. Not since her last teacher, I think, and she only did that a bit. I've seen them on bars but they weren't doing those kinds of skills. She did okay on the beam. But again, she's never done that little foot dip. I think she has done airplane style stunts but she had to work for it. As for tumbling, they were working on those elusive handstands, and she loved every minute of that class. She was practically beginning me to sign her up right there. ask I told her we needed to wait. We will look at the other gym on Monday. And she settles a little bit, but she thinks she's sure. I don't want to tell her I'm not holding my breath for her to be an Olympic champion. The thing is she wants this now, so I'm asking. So I'm changing things up, So I'm working hard to get her into where she needs to be to make it happen. The soonest she might compete at either of these places is next year - however, they are willing to challenge her, and they're willing to tell me what it takes, and that's probably going to be twice a week at least at the recreational level we're at now. Since I did ask, he told me team competition practices are 8 hours a week, and it's spread over three days. I told Tempest she wouldn't be able to do anything else, and she seemed okay with that. I'm not sure I am yet, but I'm getting ready to change my schedule around. One thing my mother has noticed: Tempest is very much "I'm going to the Olympics for gymnastics" or "I'm a mermaid" or "I love space!" And Dogbert is just Dogbert. And he'll tell you that. "No, I'm just [Dogbert]" if you ask whether he's going to be a fireman or a merman or anything else. He just wants to be himself and that's enough. "Are you a [fill in the blank humorous thing]?" "No, I'm [Dogbert]." I worry if we're at something three nights a week, half an hour from home, that Dogbert might suffer for it. But Dilbert and I are on board with this for her, and she's tumbling all over everywhere if you give her half a chance. She'll show you what she's doing. And practicing swinging on bars, she'd land, then she did her ta-da gymnastics stance to the audience. Cutest thing ever. I know I have to support her in this if it's what she wants to do. And so far- it definitely is. In news of Dogbert: I signed him up for a tap dance class that his friends are taking, and I'll have to talk them into the Y (because it'll be cheaper for all of us) once this class is done. But he gets to be with his friends, and that is something good. He's been missing them lately. I have him and Tempest in tumbling there, especially since it challenges them so, and Dogbert just learned his cartwheel on his own about two weeks ago. So proud of that kid! He wouldn't have done it without that tumbling class. But if she chooses Gym Number 2, our Mondays will be gone, which is when those tumbling classes are at the Y. Nothing is ever easy. |
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