The personality, alter-ego, whomever; that writes these chapters, seems almost rushed to tell this part of the story as quickly as possible, and while that's part of moving the reader along, you still need commas in long sentences.
See what you think?
P.1, last line, needs a comma.
Rocking hard to the side[comma] his hip landed on the floor and the back of his dark head bounced off the wall[comma] but he was sitting up with his long legs stretched out in front of him.
P.2, needs a comma
He had a pretty good cut above his left eye that had not only cost him a lot of blood[comma] but the swelling was robbing him of all but the slightest glimpse out of that side.
P.3, needs a couple ,s
His best intentions went to hell as the heavy door swung open[comma] flooding his dark sanctuary with light so intense[comma] it felt like daggers piercing his skull.
It could carry so many different tones[comma] but always it felt like the devil's fingertips dancing down his spine.
that taunted him[comma] jeering at his lack
See, more intense, more painful... right?
P.4,
Light footsteps approached[comma] then something was set down near him.
leaning his head backhack against the wall in despair as he anticipated the door clanging shut[comma] followed by a hush so deep he could hear his every breath.
P.7,
Tay’s full lower lip begging entrance and when it was not immediately forthcoming[comma] a playful nip reminded how
P.8,
Embarrassed by the clumsiness[comma] Taylor blushed and tried to get down to business turning to the food tray to feed the big man.
P.14,
His heart nearly stopped as the blond raised herhis head. Tears filled his beautiful blue eyes. The sorrow on his fallen angel's features was heart wrenching.
P.16,
David replied forcing conviction into his voice that that he didn’t feel in his heart.
P.17,
“Do you truly think that will ever happen again David?” she softly choked out.
P.21,
“Yes master,” he whispered[comma} putting as much repentance as possible into those two simple words.
What a completely different tone from the opening chapter, almost like this one was written by a different person... of course, now we're in a crime scene investigation and it's time to flesh out this set of characters as well. Let's read some more and see how this comes together.
Oh yes, me and commas, you know I wanna add one somewhere. How 'bout, after Detective? It gives the title 'Detective' a totally different flavor, doesn't it?
effectively block home plate like a brick wall against the two-five’s obnoxious playboy, Detective[comma] Luke Romero.
Very good! Drama within drama... now I understand. You did it well, vivid imagery throughout, coupled with a smooth transition of the actors becoming themselves, and the curtain drops.
Then, act one, scene one, of the next drama!
I loved it.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it just looks different in large brown fonts on a cream background, but I'd add commas where you see [here].
He sensed she wanted to kiss him but hadn’t the strength, so he moved closer and brushed her lips with his[here] ever so gently.
The stagehands removed the bed and set up the stage for act one[here] scene one[here] tomorrow night.
“While you were being fantastic[here] I was nearly throwing up, and you bloody well know why.”
I also voted for it in The Angry Rant Booth, explaining that since you'd been ripped-off by unscrupulous WDCers you deserved some reimbursement.
Unfortunately, you probably hate my reviews too.
I'm not an English teacher, I simply read and write English fairly well, so most often my reviews are geared more toward content as oppossed to the more technical side of writing English and the use of punctuation and so on.
Hopefully you won't think I'm just a GP grubbing son-of-a-bitch, but I've been reviewing auto-reward items so I can earn enough GPs to renew my basic membership for 90 days. I'm on Social Security Disability and if I hadn't been blessed with a FREE membership from Anonymous a few months ago, I don't know if I'd be here writing this right now or not. I'd hope so, I love this place, but who really knows for sure - besides God, I mean - geez!
I'm just curious... does the "rantee" know how you sliced, diced and minced them to pieces with your angry sarcasm? I'm glad I wasn't on the receiving end of it. I shiver just thinking about it.
I like the rhyme and flow of this poem and although the thought of nuclear destruction has been a theme for years; some people, like you, seem to have a special knack for helping us to see through their eyes and envision the very things that we don't want to see, much less even think about.
Then, to use such simple words to paint such a bright, vivid painting... how could one not step back and think?
I think you've captured both the look and the downtrodden feeling of the older homeless man and contrasted it quite well with what the 'man-on-the street' was thinking about and feeling as their lives interescted for a short moment in time.
The only really rough spot that just seemed to contradict itself was the part about working for food, but that food was all he would steal... you seemed to be just grasping for a rhyming word at that point.
At first I thought this was a sarcastic view of the ridiculous credit offers you always hear about and then I realized it was a step by step path down the road to financial destruction with big buginess and their attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.
Very good. I like it... except the very end, because it's true. What can we do? We're at their mercy.
As the South Park kids would say, "Those Bastards"
What a story! There was only one place where I stumbled for a second because two words were switched around but the imagery created by your words allowed my to sweep right past that and easily finish the story with my mouth hanging open in awe at the end as I quietly mumbled the name, "Davy Crocket".
Wow! What a story!
This sounded like a pretty good scolding, especially for someone who writes as much as you do, it reminded me of some things I need to pay more attention to as well. Your mention of "The Writer's Cramp" and the "Dear Me: Official Contest" got me to thinkin' about my goal of reading and reviewing at least one new person a day. I'll have to give myself some more personally attainable goals now that this one's accomplished for today.
This is a nice tribute poem which flows well and easily pulls the reader along from one stanza to the next. I think if every line didn't begin with a capital (making each line seem like a sentence unto itself) the poem might have even more impact, just because of the slight change in flow. But I also know a lot of people prefer that every line of their poems begin with a capital, so I may just be way off base too.
This poem is a beautiful tribute and I'm certain the mother referred to would love to hear it as you read it aloud.
Hmmm, every line begins with a cap and ends with a comma, but about half of those commas should be periods, since that turns it into a complete sentence and a finshed thought - before continuing on to the next. Instead of making it one long, run on sentence, like the sentence before this one.
The thoughts and emotions behind this piece are evident, but the use and then non-use of capitals gives this piece a bit of a bumpy read. I think the reader would follow along better if you made some changes as in my message to you that follows.
My, my, your spell checker really is on the fritz isn't it? Not a bad rant, but there really is a lot of good in the world and it's balanced by all the bad. If there was no bad or evil, how could we possibly appreciate the good, the kind or the wonderous? You are obviously a seeker and you will find your answers as you continue to seek them. Sometime those answers are found in the most unlikely places, so keep your eyes open as well as your mind.
Write on!
This is a rather pessimistic viewpoint, but it's true that many people feel it's necessary to be slaves to the grind simply to survive and have the creature comforts they want. Being constantly busy doesn't necessarily stifle creativity, though it may for some people; boredom and inactivity can be equally as destructive. Think of a prisoner with too much time on their hands and not enough education to exercise their mind by reading a book. Now that's sad.
If you don't know the story of the two wolves, just ask and I'll send it to you. It's an old American Indian story told by a father to his son.
This isn't bad but it is definately the writing of a young person who hasn't yet experienced the many things that she will as she gets older. I hope you find more answers to the questions you have without too many disappointments along the way.
wehter, in line 7 stood out like Pinnochio's nose when he told a lie, I suggest using spell-check and then proof reading your material before you post or publish. Your readers will appreciate it and editors will be more inclined to consider publishing your work if it's flawless.
Short but sweet, as well as charming. I'm one of those nitpickers who always chides people about not proof reading their work before they post it. I guess that's just because I had a remarkable 3rd. grade teacher who made learning fun and I just remembered all those spelling and puncuation rules; even though I sometimes ignore the rules because I like using commas to connect a run on sentence, like this one. I also like English folk who use their Us because it let's me know that they're from across the pond. But now, back to yoshi's story...
What a great description of a wasted time, especially as you cause the reader to wonder about it as well, and they wonder if they shouldn't either change the channel or else get up and turn it off and catch a few winks. I've been there before... just can't get up for the moment, so ya don't.
A most excellent piece of writing, Ray. I found myself unable to read or rate yesterday, and today, with a new day mostly behind me, I feel much more able to review more open-mindedly and reading your piece here has strengthened many of the things I already thought and believed myself. Thank you.
Oh gtreat, and now I'm at a loss for words. :)
I like it. This is an impressive piece from a young person and it shows some depth of thought. I think you will get much better as time goes by, as long as you keep at it.
I like this poem, the thought behind it and the imagery it brings to mind. The rythm or flow seems a bit choppy and not as smooth as it perhaps otherwise could be. I think if you could find a way to make it a little longer it would be even stronger, but it's quite nice just as it is.
I like the way you tied the title into the end of the poem. Thumbs up! I would have used some slightly different wording in a few places just to smooth out that little bit of roughness in the flow and rhythm; but all in all, quite good. You painted the picture very vividly in my mind.
I love it! What a wonderfully educational story. The title caught my attention, but then the explainations of 1st. and 3rd. person and switching scenes as opposed to points of view just kept reeling me and and towing me along. At the end, the Moby Dick/Melville example was an excellent close as well as an excellent way to tell folks not to be judgemental of the subject and look at the entire piece with an objective eye.
Very good.
Now THIS is the usual inspirational kind of writing I'm used to reading from you. Beautiful, touching, but with a hint of sadness because you know that Gloom and Despair will spend all their time crying on each other's shoulders.
Fear traveled slowly and cautiously using these possessions - like a lantern to light her way, or, to help her see. Something. That sentence can't just stop right there. Anyway...
This story is another very good one. The other similar story I read by you about a week or so ago (I wish I could recall the title) had other similar, but different characters and somehow seemed just a bit better than this one. I wish I could compare them side by side to better explain what I mean. Nonetheless, you've once again delivered an inspirational and thought-provoking story and I was happy to read it.
Have you considered making these stories into children's books for the 7-12 year old crowd? I just think they'd sell well, especially with some nice drawings to go along with the stories.
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