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Review Requests: ON
1,125 Public Reviews Given
1,366 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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226
226
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 5/6 in the packaged from humdedum

Title:

I like the poem title and the description. I'm fond of the descriptions that mention what contest the item was written for and enjoy when people do that. It's interesting to see where the initial inspiration or reason for writing the item came from.


Comments:

I like this poem. It has it's elements of sad and reflection but develops an over-all positive aspect. It is about reflecting on the past and changing for a better future to me, which is refreshing for a poem topic. Some small development issues but nothing too major. Well written for the most part.


Form:

No form. Four line stanza with first/second and third/fourth line rhyme schemes.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

There is an obvious rhyme scheme. This is one poem where I'd say the rhyming is a bit much and it gives it a little bit of that sing song feeling that rhyming poetry can fall into. That aspect I'm not too fond of in some of the stanzas.


Imagery:

There is less imagery in this piece. It is more of a look into the character that is represented in the poem (possibly the author).


Favorite Part:

Stranger looking back at me
I like this person that I see


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I'm not a fan of having the title of the poem in the body of the item. It seems unneeded when there is a special spot for the title already.

"Filled with laughter filled with tears" - I know that you are avoiding punctuation in this piece, but in this line it feels like they should either be separated or have a comma after "laughter".

I almost feel like stanzas three and four can be switched. Make four three and then three four, if that makes any sense. Then again, it might not work afterall.

I'm a little bit bothered by the life that is not for me. It seems a bit more negative than the rest of the poem.

"A new life now had just begun" - the words "now" and "had" seems to clash a bit in tense. Now gives a feeling of present while had gives a feeling of past. It might work better to change the "had" to "has" in order to keep the present feeling for the change presented.


Group Review Sig 4

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Review of Do Not Enter  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 4/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

The title is the message the author is trying to give the reader. The description is helpful to give the reader an understanding of what goes on with the poem, where the influence might have come from.


Comments:

I like the concept of this poem but think there are some execution issues. This poem will be great after worked over. What I like is the tension created throughout most of the poem. The warnings given to the reader.

The over use of the word "not" bothers me a bit. I think that more variety could be incorporated while keeping the meaning of the lines in a way that will make the poem read better.


Form:

No specific form given. The common four line stanzas with second/fourth line rhyme scheme.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Most of the rhymes work and aren't overly done. There are noticeable spots but they don't jump out at the reader, which is good. The only problem I see is in the third stanza. Not sure if the rhymes in lines 2 and 4 are actual rhymes. It is close but not quite right.


Imagery:

This is based upon sparking the readers imagination. It's not about telling the reader what image they should be thinking about. Instead, what the comments do is make the reader think on their own about what they see from the poem.


Favorite Part:

In this tortured chamber
Silent demons do slumber.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Dark and gloomy here reside." - to me, "gloomy" is more of a description than an object. It could be changed to "gloom" and that would work better because "dark" can be both a description and an object so both dark and gloom can reside in a location.

"Pleasant not is this ride." - this line is okay but would be better if reworded to take out the "not". I like the not in lines one and three but having it also in four is a bit much.

The second stanza feels more like one sentence instead of two. The first two lines are okay but the second two lines don't stand out as their own sentence.

"Come not bearing gifts." - same issue here as the second stanza, I think this line could be stronger if reworded to remove the "not" form this line and keeping the ones in lines one and three.

"Nor spirits here to lift." - This line, I feel like the first word should be "no" instead of "nor".

The ending doesn't feel complete. It doesn't lead with a strong impression and after all the stanzas that lead up to it, there needs to be more.


Group Review Sig 4

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228
Review of Bathtub Haven  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 3/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

The title is very interesting and I like it. In fact, this is one where I wish the words were more reflected in the poem. I know they are in there some towards the end but I wanted to know more on the haven aspect. It's a title that will draw in readers. And the description works in that it doesn't give things away but it does tell the reader something important about the poem.


Comments:

This is a decent poem, long and yet small at the same time. I like the story behind it and I'm not always fond of story poems. From the start I knew that the scared being in question was a pet, which I like. I'm not a fan of the end. It doesn't feel strong enough to me to have the dog come back. I know it's based off a true story but at that point I was wanting more of a "haven" detail out of the poem.


Form:

No form was given. Not sure on what the method was here in the lines, stanzas and even the rhyme scheme. it works for the poem but makes a critical look a bit more difficult, but that's okay.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

I'm not sure on the rhyme. Often times it is easy to pick out upon careful examination I couldn't in this one. So, I'm not sure if there is a rhyme scheme. I guess the rhymes could be by accident instead of on purpose but I don't really think that's the case.


Favorite Part:

He would climb in my lap
And shake and he’d shiver,
He’d whimper and cower,
And whine and quiver.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

All just my personal opinion.

As the lightning strikes near. - This is fine but for me I feel like the word "the" isn't needed in this line. I'm picky about when "the" is put in front of something and feel people use it often when they shouldn't.

"That’s not my concern
I have more problems here." - since this comes off as one sentence, it feels like there should be a form of punctuation after "concern" because there isn't a strong link that doesn't require a pause between the two lines.

"I am here right now" - this bugs me a little for some reason. I feel like the right now isn't needed because it seems obvious from the present tense used in the stanza.

"He’s climbed under the desk" - this line might run smoother if changed to "He climbs". It keeps with a present tense and shortens the line a tiny bit. This gives it a little better flow.

"I end and we meet." - I think I get the reason for this line but I also was confused by it. I've heard where one ends and the other begins, and where they meet. But this seems an attempt to combine them but doesn't work to me.

"The storm has left it’s fury," - this is a mistake i've made in the past. "it's" should actually be "its".


Group Review Sig 4

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229
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 2/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

This is actually a good title. I don't often think of a phrase like that when it comes to the title but it gives the story an element that would be missed without it. The title gives me a personal connection to the author/character from the very beginning. I do wish there was more to the description. It's cool that you mention it was for a contest but I'd like to see more details.


Initial Reaction:

This is something that I can relate too. I knew nothing about plants and yet worked as a cashier at Home Depot during spring/summer. Did the big plant push really occur in August? That part I never would have thought of because of my limited knowledge, I think of spring and plants here.

In this one, I do enjoy the fact that it's in first person. I get the feeling of a friend who is like "oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed and have to tell you all about it."


Setting:

There is a sense of place without any specifics given in this very short bit of flash fiction. From this I can imagine some store details without the words being a part of the story, but it helps that I have my own personal experience to bring to the reading of the story.


Plot:

The plot is the telling of an experience one has had on a day at work. It is a creative nonfiction type of story line, though I only took the one class on creative fiction and some might disagree with that assessment.


Ending:

The ending is good. I like it as it strikes the point of the story while giving a sense of finality. It does sound like an actual ending.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"ladies were staring at me quizzically." - I get the reason for this but i'm not a fan of "quizzically" here. I think there could be a better word that has a similar meaning. The other part that I don't like about it is the use as an adverb and there is another adverb in the very next sentence. I'm okay with adverbs but don't like to see more than one in a paragraph.

The first sentence doesn't feel like enough. I almost feel like it should either be combined with the second one instead of two. Or something short could be added to make the first paragraph feel a bit more even.


Group Review Sig 4
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230
Review of Crimson Teardrops  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 1/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

This is a good title. I like the choice of color in this one and how specific it is and that really works with the second word of the title. The description is useful to understand the tone and purpose of the poem.


Comments:

Overall, I like this poem. It has decent writing and a strong message. There is an element of a dark tone to it, which is required based on the given topic. I think you have a decent poem here. I do have one issue with the ending that I will discuss in the suggestions section.


Form:

No given form. Short lines and a rhyme scheme are involved. The poem moves fast due to the short lines but not too fast and still has a solid foundation.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Most of the rhymes work well in this piece and don't take away from the tone. There is only one that I have an issue with of all the rhymes. To me, while steep works with the nature of the poem, I get the feeling it was chosen more for the rhyme than for what it could do for the poem. It sounded weird in my mind each time I read the poem and took me out of it a little bit.


Imagery:

You did a good job at creating images and evoking emotion within a short poem that doesn't have many words. It has a number of visual elements that sounds out, such as the crevice line in the middle of the poem.


Favorite Part:

Jagged edges,
cutting deep.
Tears of crimson,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

in everyway. - This seems okay at first glance but I believe it is incorrect. The line should be "in every way" with a space between every and way.

The ending is good but I have a small issue with the change from first person to third. I think it could be good with either but having both makes it a little confusing. The "I" and "me" make it very personal and give a sort of 'character' to the poem, but the third person at the very end gives the message of the poem. It might be a hard call as to which to keep but it's something to consider.


Group Review Sig 4

231
231
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Overall Impression:

It does seem a little odd to me that you would have a link to the item at the beginning of the item.

I'm not sure on the spacing and have comments on it in the suggestions section of this review.

I like the idea behind this chapter, and even the book. I have a hard time with the spacing between the paragraphs and the lack of spacing in the paragraphs. This makes it a bit hard to read. The grammar is also a problem for me. You do have a good story here, it just needs some work.


Characters:

The main character is one of interest. Not knowing their ages is a slight disadvantage at this point.

The girl, Asion, sounds rather young. She seems caring and yet capable, but still the way he addresses her and the way she is written sounds closer to child than adult.

The eyes are interesting and seem to be common trait for you to describe. The characters in the beginning have their eye coloring discussed but not much else. Kiki is one I'm confused by, having not read the rest of the book. She comes out of no where in the paragraph and I don't have the frame of reference to know who is who.

Plot:

There is much going on, though the overall plot is hard to tell. Revenge is at the center of this chapter or that is the impression i'm getting from the main character.

Suggestions for Improvement:

The extra spaces between the paragraphs seem a bit much. I have always gone with the thought that extra spaces were used to denote changes in timeframe or some other significant difference. Also, I think that the paragraphs don't have the right spacing in themselves. If someone new speaks then it needs to be a separate paragraph with a single line space between the paragraphs.

First paragraph is confusing. Is the setting yelling? I'm not sure who is speaking at first then I start to understand... with one small error. "You sickening, veil, coward.” yelled soul at the top of his lunges to the heavens." - since it's the character yelling "soul" needs to have a capital s.

"Soul took off running moving throw the forest barely missing a tree standing right in his path of travel." - comma after "running". 

"He was followed by a child with black hair and dagger hanging at either one of her hips" - either put "a" in front of "dagger" or change it to "daggers".

“Soul don’t you dare go doing anything stupid you are need here!” - put a period after "stupid" and then make the y in "you" a capital one. Also, change "need" to "needed".

"said Asion here eyes burning into Souls fire amber red eyes" - comma after "Asion" and "here" should be "her". The description of his eyes are too much and I think I'd delete the word red before fire and amber are enough.

“Asion you don’t understand that is the man the reason that my parents are dead" - This sentence is confusing. There should be a period or comma after "understand". Maybe the rest should read "That man is the reason my parents are dead."

"Said soul looking in Asion calm crystal blue eyes." - always capitalize the first letter of the main characters name. Check for this mistake in the entire piece as this is the second time already. I won't mention if there are others, just look.

“Soul don’t you get it I can’t lose you I will die from the pain." - this is more than on sentence. In fact, it could be three sentences.

"Soul felt a small tug on his cloak which caused him to look down and his eyes to fall" - a general rule is there should be a comma before which. To not have a comma would require the word to be "that" instead of "which".

"Kiki’s eyes which burned like to yellow suns causing him to fall to his knees." - I'm guessing you mean "two yellow suns".

Okay. It's about 2 am and I can't quite do all the suggestions. If you want, on the side I can give you all my suggestions at a later time. I've worked as a copy editor before and can make a ton of suggestions for this entire piece if you would like. If you aren't interested, that is okay as well. But I can't put all the minor areas that need fixing in this one. So, just the big ones from this point on.

You have a number of characters that randomly show up. Or so it seems just reading this chapter. If they are shown at the end of the last chapter so we know they are there then it's okay, but if they aren't then it's a problem.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
232
232
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Overall Impression:

I'm almost surprised to see the double space after each sentence. I was taught to do the double space when I was younger but the past several years have taught me that most now go with the single space.

The overall tone of the introduction is different but I like it.

I'm at a little disadvantage, as is the problem with this contest. I don't know who the main character is because it's the last chapter and also am not sure who Alex is. In general, I see the name and think male, but feels like this one is a female but couldn't tell at the beginning. I'm sure that is explained in the previous chapters as would be needed when using that type of name. The relationship(characters connection to each other) that seemed to be set up in the first paragraph is changed in the next ones.

I am intrigued but it's a tough ending. Any time a character dies and then there is more after it, will be a tough sell but don't worry. (I have one where the character dies the first chapter, lol).

Character:

*side note* Alex seems to be a popular character name. The entry before this one also had an Alex, and I have a novel with an Alex character. lol

The main character might be easier to relate to by mothers and such, but I can still relate enough to get into her story. Seems like a character that would be easy to follow/read and one that would invoke emotions from the readers.


Plot:

Family struggles and so much more. There is something big going on with the daughter (now that I have that part figured out) but that's all in the chapters before this. The mother has much to deal with from others and herself.


Suggestions for Improvement:

"Thinking back over the years with Alex, it seems it’s always rained" - I like this line but I think that "it's" should be "it" because "it is always rained" doesn't work. However, if you changed "rained" to "raining" it is would work for that portion but not the rest of the sentence.

"Those were the last words I heard from a child I loved unconditionally." - This paragraph seems like it should be closer to the one above it and there should be some more space between it and the paragraph below it.

"Alex’s in jail.  She denies killing me.  I rarely watch her.  Giving her my life was enough.  She can’t have me in death.  It’s time for me to move on." - I'm not sure if this is intentional but the flow is kind of jerky with all the short sentences.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
233
233
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


I love the title. Very nice. The first sentence as dialogue is a good start and it even helps give the genre of the story in that one line.

In general, I struggle with sci-fi, I still enjoy it. The talk of charged particles and quantum wave-lengths will always interest me. I'm a bit of nerd that way and so it's good to have a story that interests me on that level. Not quite on the level of fantasy, but still a good genre.

Different viewpoint of the prompt, but I'm liking it. The start with the evolution aspects of humanity, ones that are taught in classes such as anthropology, is a nice tough.

On the other hand, there will be many who will struggle with this story. It does have a limited audience with the level of science talk and details involved.

It is interesting and works well as a short story. I'm not sure how this plays into a novel but that's another contest all together (Save the Prologue).

Character:

We don't get deep into a single main character but instead see an entire species and how they solve a dilemma to their existence. The intelligence is obvious and makes them interesting to readers like me.

Plot:

The attempt of an over-evolved society to find hosts in order to continue existence and the circle of that action. The plot that starts at the beginning is shown to start again at the end.

Suggestions for Improvement:

"specialist projected to the Aki flight commander," - for me, I don't need to know the flight commander is also Aki since the specialist was one. Would need to know if it was a different species or type of being, but if the same it's easy to guess.

“It is ideally suited to us.” - I like this but at the same time wonder if it should be "suited for us". Just something to consider.

"A wave of satisfaction spread through the Aki as they started the merge." - This is okay but I think there is a better word to use than "merge". Look around a little for something that would describe the action better.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
234
234
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (3.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


Overall Impression:

It is short, which was a small relief after the almost 4k stories. However, the one big paragraph is a bit boring to look at. Readers like variety and not many will see a story in a single paragraph. Also, it helps the eyes and reading to have spaces separating into different paragraphs.

I do like the use of the prompt and even more the view of humans as not only ethnocentric but anthrocentric as well.

The word choices are pretty good. This paints a picture from the very first sentence onward.

However, I don't really get a story out of this. I think it could be expanded into a cool, sci-fi type of essay in answer to the questions of human existence and their meaning. But I don't get enough out of it when it comes to tale aspect. I just need more, something to follow and definitely more than one paragraph, even if there aren't many words.

Character:

No real main character. More of a look at humanity from an outside prospective than a story focused on a character.

Plot:

I can tell the point here is to follow the prompt and to have this sci-fi existential discussion. There isn't so much a plot as an answer to a question.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Title - While it's good to have the prompt in the item description, I think it would be better to not have it as a title. The question is meant to influence a story but it doesn't work as well as a title of a short story.

"It is the humans that are most powerful,  but they are not the most numerous nor the most powerful of earthen creatures" - To me, it seems odd to say they are the most powers and then that they are not the most powerful in the same sentence.

"Each human, one of six or seven million others, went about there lives," - a common typo, instead of "there" it should be "their".


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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235
Review of Lipstick  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

Nice title. I like it. The description is just lines from the poem.


Comments:

I like this poem. It definitely touches on a topic that is close to my heart. Nice to see a woman on woman type of poem. I need to write more since I often focus more on male/male even though I'm a woman that dates women. Odd, I know. I do like the darker version, as opposed to the one in light gray but have a few suggestions for this one as well.

While the title is lipstick, I am ashamed to admit when I read the gloss at the beginning I was uncertain. I don't wear makeup much but always considered lip gloss and lipstick to be different. But now I see that the title may be more geared towards the concept of a "lipstick lesbian". D'oh. lol

I don't know what C and N is, to be honest.

Imagery:

Nice images from the very beginning. I like the choice of coral for the coloring. It is simple and easy for me to visualize as an artist. Well done.


Favorite Part:

Her lover's lips are moist and eager.
Her coral lips respond.

ooo la la *Wink*


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

These are just my minor suggestions of what I think would look better.

"you queer." - With the cold harsh name, it comes off a bit odd to me to have "you". I think it would be a little bit stronger to just say "queer" or "dyke" (since dyke is more lesbian specific and queer is a very generic term with multiple uses).

"Fear,
aimed to shame two women" - I would combine these into one sentence. Leave the only one line sentence as the harsh name and have it move out again from there would give it a certain affect.


Great Poem and Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*

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Review of The Cowboy  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

Nice and simple title. It is what caught my attention when I was looking for something to review.


Comments:

Overall, I like this poem a fair amount. Coming from Wyoming, it is something that I can relate to even if I never was a rancher or anything of that type. The first and last stanzas are well done. The second stanza needs a little more work, however.


Form:

No specific form but it's not very consistent in the lines or the flow of the stanzas. Will mention more in the suggestions section of the review.


Imagery:

There are a few words choices that help with the images of the poem. It's not just a hat, it's a Stetson (a bit stereotypical but works for this piece). Adding sound to the snakes is another plus in the way of imagery because it places the reader more in the poem.


Favorite Part:

Stetson hat upon his head
'Neath the stars he makes his bed


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I had a hard time with six-gun and had to look it up. According to my dictionary it is just another term for six-shooter. I guess I can see how six-gun might flow better in this one but there might be other readers who fumble on it.

The second stanza doesn't have the strength that is in the rest of the poem. Each line is too short compared to the rest and none of them feel complete because of this. I would recommend adding more words to this stanza. Keep the same point in each line but add something to it to make it connect more with the rest of the poem.

Nice work and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*

237
237
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Initial Reaction:

Different characters. These aren't as interesting as the ones in part 2 nor with the dialogue as interesting. I have to say, out of the three sections I have read so far, 2 is my favorite. When considering all three together, it doesn't feel like they are all part of the same story, which might be problematic in the contest.


Setting:

Again, more focus on characters and dialogue with little to no real telling of their surroundings.


Character Development:

Two different characters, back from the first section if I remember correctly (I've been reviewing a lot so easy to mix up). These ones are not even close to being as interesting as the characters from section 2. They are okay, but confusing and a tad bit generic. Not much detail is given about them and I don't have the sense of them really developing yet.


Plot:

I'm not sure what is going on again. This now seems like a sci-fi story where as that feeling wasn't in the previous sections. I struggle with sci-fi yet love it and write it. Science intrigues me, but I have a hard time getting into the plot because the way the characters talk is very confusing. There are too many sentences in this one that don't make much sense and so it's hard to get the plot from this section.


Ending:

Is okay. Nothing special and has some errors.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Contest suggestions: You bolded the word animals. And while you were supposed to have an animal, the one that is supposed to be bolded is a specific kind of animal. Just like it had to be a specific kind of food. You do have an animal mentioned, so at least it follows the prompt but the "fishes" should have been bold and not the "animals".

Same spacing problem as the ones before.

"Brett said or rather he stated as a matter of factly" - Look up some resources on adverbs (ones that end in -ly). First tip is that they should when necessary, and rarely at that (it's ironic the only way to explain how little to use them requires the use of them). When it comes to a phrase, however, the word should not be made into an adverb. "matter of fact" is one such phrase.

Another thing to look up is the different rules for punctuation. Now Bretts starts "Not ready to take chances! There should be a comma after "now" and a comma after "starts". When you have a statement like that leading into dialogue there is almost always some form of punctuation before the dialogue part starts.

Word choices - again a problem.
"I didn't understand, what are you talking about" - Most people would say "I don't understand"

"See the thing is that some time back, somebody probably said the same things which you were saying just now. I'm using probably because I cannot exactly remember when was it said to me" - These sentences don't make sense. I have no idea what is being said.


Again, Good Luck.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
238
238
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Initial Reaction:

This section to me comes off much better than part 1 did. Even though it is far from perfect in sentence structures and the what not, there is at least a sense of character in this one. In spite of it not being an easy read I at least became some what interested in the plot presented.


Setting:

There are some bits of setting with the train station and the tea stall, but not much details at all. More would help to draw a person more into the scene and make things a little easier to visualize. I'm also one who focuses more on character than the location there are in so I understand not having it in there as it's something I need to work on as well.

The tea stall comes out of the blue and could be mentioned in a different way for us to know where the main character is located.


Character Development:

Ravi is becoming an interesting character. It is good to have one character as the focal point and point of view. Makes the story much easier to follow. There are some errors that make it a little difficult to get to know him in his manner of speech. But aside from that it does seem like a character that a reader would follow.


Plot:

There is some semblance of a plot in this one, which is a relief. I know that you have word count to worry about in this story overall, but when you do an edit also add more to the story. There needs to be much more written towards the end of this piece. By more I mean details. The mutants are a good example. What kind of mutant? I have no visual what so ever and so don't know what you mean by mutants. I have a story with mutant main characters and they are very human like but they are also the "good guys". It helps to give some description of what they look like to understand more what is going on.


Ending:

This could be a problem for you. It's really hard to pull off having the main character shot in the beginning of a story (and since this is section 2 out of 7 it's close to the beginning). The problem is that readers aren't going to want to continue reading if the character that they have been following, and they have the impression that they are the main character, gets killed. I know that his death is just an assumption because it hasn't been verified but it's hard to get past someone getting shot in the face.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

There are many things that need to be edited in this piece. I'm going to do a broad set of suggestions using a few examples.

Tense - This is written in present tense, which is a difficult one to pull off well in my opinion. Most people are used to stories being in past tense because a story is usually something that has happened as opposed to something that is happening. One error in this piece on the tense is whether the action has an "s" at the end of the word or not. Each works for different sentences.
Example: As the train is stopping down Ravi realize that cops looking for someone... In first person, it would have been I realize, but in third person it should be Ravi realizes.

Word choices - There are a number of sentences that either have the wrong word used or are missing a word to complete the sentence.
Example: Probably the shootout is not that bad thing at all! - this sentence would be better if written something like "Probably, the shootout won't be a bad thing at all!" Is not will work if changing to a bad idea, but other than that it doesn't work in the sentence.

Run-ons - There is at least one sentence I noticed that should be more than one sentence.
Example: Naeem and Ravi used to be acquaintances, knew each other through the common gymnasium but everything changed when Ravi bought some land for real estate with money borrowed from his uncles and other relatives and came to know Naeem, who is also a real estate developer has got this land transferred to his ownership with the help of corrupt officials. - This needs to be more than one sentence and maybe even three.

Another detail is that the paragraphs need more separation. Some of them are done correctly but when you add in dialogue then you bunch them together. There needs to be space because it makes it easier to read.
Example:
"Forget it Ravi"
"How can you see?"
"Everybody is watching you!"
"Who is everybody?"
"Just some people"
"Who are they?"

"Forget it Ravi"

"How can you see?"

"Everybody is watching you!"

"Who is everybody?"

"Just some people"

"Who are they?"


See the difference.


That's all I'll mention on this one. Again, good luck with the contest.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
239
239
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

I like the title of the overall story. Well done.


Initial Reaction:

I like how you added red to the bold for the prompts.

The first section of this story is like a cross between first person and second person. I have a problem with that to be honest. Second person is difficult to pull off because it feels like the reader if being yelled at or argued with in the story. The first person part adds to the confusion so I'm not sure who or what characters are involved in the story. Then it switches to third person and that is even more confusing. It's best to pick one and stick to it.


Setting:

No idea.


Character Development:

I don't know who the main character is in the section and so that is a bit of a problem. Can't see if the character is going to develop or change if I don't know who I'm looking at when reading the story.


Plot:

No idea yet.


Ending:

The ending doesn't entice the reader continue as much as you would want it to. The adverb as the last sentence makes it a bit rough.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Pick one viewpoint and stick to it.

"So what do you think what was I doing there?" - This is a bit of an awkward sentence and so it starts the story on a rough patch. As the first sentence of the story you really want it to stand out and be great. I'd change the second "what" in it.

Don't believe in "Karma" it has been propagated by the rich and the powerful - I'd put a period after karma and have the rest as a different sentence. Make it seem stronger that way.

I'm not going to list them all but you really need to figure out the sentences in the third person section. There are words not spelled correctly, a missing letter and such. There are sentences that are not separated by punctuation and the paragraphs aren't formatted right. Different character speaking should be in a different paragraph, all with a space between paragraphs.


Good luck.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
240
240
Review of Dream of Her  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

I do really like this title. It is simple and to the point.


Comments:

This is a different kind of poem. What I like about it is the concept, the story within the poem. I can see this as a real dream, whether it is or is not. I do think that the lines could be set up a little different but that is just a personal opinion as to the aesthetics of the lines.


Imagery:

The story is the image in this poem. Actions by the character within it stand out and the things that the person sees.

The ending is also very nice.

Favorite Part:

Of things difficult to embrace
Again come morning
Her words, erased


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

As far as the lines are concerned, the poem comes out short and choppy.

What I don't understand is the punctuation. There are two periods in the entire poem; in the first stanza and at the very end of the poem. I would say either add more punctuation or get rid of it all together because it doesn't make sense at this point.

Good Job and Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*

241
241
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Hello there. Here is a quick review of the last chapter you posted in the group. Will miss your presence and good luck on your book.


The bigness came from her father. - I think that the "bigness" could be substituted with a better descriptive word. What kind of bigness is it?

This is a personal reaction, but when I read the Listerian Elves the first thing I thought of was "listerine". lol, minty fresh elves.

Hecate is a loaded name and sounds like a witch name. She's the Greek Goddess of crossroads.

In Elvan lore - typo, "elven"

I'm not sure on the capitalization of Witches and Elven. Since there are different types of elves then it makes sense with the Listerian Elves because it is a title of a specific race. But when it's just elven or witches, there isn't as much of a reason for the capitalization.

The Elves suffered a human presence - minor detail, as I think the "a" should be deleted or changed to "the".

I'm a little confused about the part with the condor. Why is it important? It doesn't seem to needed and distracts a bit from the rest of the story.

I really liked the poem part. Nice.

Might want to check on spelling. Is it Liope? or Llope? or what?

The vision is a little distracting. Is it to show what she is capable of?

Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
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242
Review of Conversations  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

The title of this poem is very different. It doesn't give away the content of the poem while giving it a unique spin in the contest that the poem was included in. It is simple and I like it.


Comments:

I like this poem. Such a great collection of words combined to give wonderful images. The first paragraph is great. Although it is one of the longest (width-wise) that I've read lately, it became an enjoyable read. I see why this poem placed in the contest now that I've gotten the chance to read it.


Form:

This is a form that I'm not used to. It's very long and the lines are different, particularly the lines in the last stanza. It's long but I do like it.

The dialogue is a neat addition and well played. I would imagine that it could be difficult to get it to work well within poetry.

Imagery:

The imagery in some of the stanzas is amazing. The first stanza in particular with the use of colors and emotions involved. Emotions really come out as well as the images.


Favorite Part:

To put aside its widow’s weeds, its half-blacks and lavenders,
And today amidst the pink-orange crowning of a different dawn


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I love the first stanza but it feels like there is missing punctuation, maybe a period somewhere. I am not exactly sure where though.

Second stanza - I think that the first line at least should be "certain" instead of "certainly".


Congrats on placing in the contest and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*

243
243
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

This is a good, creative title. Nice to see something other than the prompt for the contest that it was entered into.


Comments:

The image at the top of the poem is beautiful and adds to the reading of the poem. I like the poem overall and can see why it placed in the contest. It is well written.


Form:

I like this form. Having the description at the bottom is very helpful. I believe that you followed the form and did well with using it for the contest.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The rhymes are well thought out and do not feel forced. I didn't even notice them in the beginning, which is a good thing. Well done.


Favorite Part:

Promises float, a mirage on display,
fading away leaving only dismay.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The first stanza, while designed to follow the form, feels not quite like an actual sentence. I think what could fix that is to change "running" to "run" and that would make it seem more like a full sentence. Otherwise, the sections of each line don't feel together.

Third stanza last line - "sans" is a term I had never head before. I get that it's poetic but with the line it's involved in, the reader may want to read it as "sands".


Congratulations on placing in the contest and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*

244
244
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review from your soiree buddy.

Title:

I like the title. It tells exactly what the story is about and the description below it just adds to that fact.

Initial Reaction:

Overall, this is a really good story. There are some minor ways to possible make it a little tighter, but I do think you did a great job in writing this one. There is a lot there for the small amount of words. It has good pacing for the topic of a chase.


Character Development:

The character is well done in her emotions. The fear is easy to read. I get that she is a huntress from the title and the line in the second paragraph. There isn't really a mention of her having been on a hunt in the first paragraph, however.


Ending:

The ending is good. It is very tight. I like the last two sentences in particular.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

First, a personal opinion: The font type is difficult to read for me. I'm not sure what kind it is but I'd recommend changing it.

"She could almost hear their pant." - This line is weakened by almost. If you took that word out it would make it stronger.

"She tried desperately to continue on, one foot in front of the other, but the ground seemed to rise between each step." - Here I would rearrange a little so that you can get rid of the adverb. Maybe something along the lines of: Desperate, she tried to continue, one foot... Or whatever you want to do with it

"This time, however, she lacked the strength to move" - In this line I would cut out the however. I think it would be a stronger sentence that way.

The last two sentences are good but I wonder: Are they new paragraphs? If so then shouldn't they be indented like the first two?


Nice little piece of flash fiction. Keep Writing

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
245
245
Review of Discarded  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Title:

The title is okay. It's hard to tell if it works with the story because I don't understand it.

Initial Reaction:

I'm rather confused. Is the main character hearing a voice? Kind of schizophrenic? I get that the italics are a different voice in some way or another but the story doesn't give enough detail as to what is going on.

The prom dress is an interesting take on the picture prompt. I never would have got that just by looking at the picture myself. A very different interpretation.


Character Development:

The emotions of the character are very well done. The dialogue is realistic and shows that she is very upset. You did well with this part.


Plot:

I'm not sure what is going on exactly. My guess is some guy she had just started dating slept with her and then didn't want to be with her anymore, but that is just a guess.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

These are more questions than suggestions.

A door opened, but alas, it was not the closet door
-what door opened? what is in the closet?

The telephone receiver - who is making the call? Who hangs up?

Who is the italic voice?


Keep on writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item!!*Reading*
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246
Review of High  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

I like this title. It's different and yet works for the topic. Well done since I know what experience this comes from for you.


Comments:

This is a good little poem. However, I would change the description. The feeling I got from that before reading the poem would be the look from someone who is on top down. Instead it turned out to be more of a someone near the bottom looking up. Might want to write it in a way that reflects the words of the poem.

Rhythm/Rhyme:

It has a decent flow and the rhyme scheme works well. No part of it comes off as forced, which is a plus.

Favorite Part:

It's a feeling I can't replace,
Just one touch, just one embrace.
You're so high up on your throne,
Way down here I'm all alone.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No other suggestions.

Nice job and keep writing!

247
247
Review of We Arms  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


I like the introduction. As an attempting artist the character interests me. *Smile*

Consider contractions though, such as "was not" into "wasn't". It gives the paragraph a slightly different flow and moves things a tad bit faster.

“How we have reached this point” proclaimed Dr Pecoli over a large hall filled with the din of a hundred opinions “is an irrelevant if interesting argument.” - The dialogue divided like this is a little confusing and would work better put together.

"Winter was getting started." - This seemed a little out of place for me in the paragraph.

This is a good attempt at the prompt and I could see it clearly. I feel like there could be more to the story. It could use more to show the plot of the story.

The ending combines things together well, closing with where the story left off; the artist.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
248
248
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


What I noticed from the very beginning is the use of passive voice. It weakens the blow, particularly the first paragraph and you don't want that. On the other side of the first paragraph, you have some fun things involved. "alert faces of dancing daffodils" is great and could even be a line of a poem.

The path yelling is an interesting and unexpected spin.

"Mark didn’t know how but he was suddenly standing next to Jenny gaping at the bike path below." - this sentence is a little off-putting. This is a personal opinion but I'd rather have him jump away from the road than have him not know how he got next to her. Shows more that way.

I'd recommend cutting out some of the adverbs (-ly) words. At least for the paragraphs where there are more than one in them.

'“Well, speak up why don’t you?” the Blob asked.' - since it doesn't stay a blob I wouldn't capitalize it here. I know the reason you did since it's speaking but since that's not the name or anything I would just keep it lowercased until the name is introduced.

“You can’t be real,” Mark stuttered. “What are you? We must be…” his voice trailed of.
“Puffs the name,” the thing replied. “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
- space needed between the lines since different characters are speaking.

The "dragon" is an amusing character to say the least.

From "You’re obviously not a flesh and blood dragon who breathes fire and eats damsels in distress are you?” Mark curiously asked. “What are you really?”
to “Oh! That God.” Puff sputtered. “The one you humans created back in your infancy.” They could tell that he sounded very disappointed." there are a fair amount of "replied" "asked" "stated" but no other actions. Instead of speak script maybe input a little bit of action in this part.

"Puff could also tell from the reaction of the humans that he had somehow upset them." This is in the "dragons" perspective and not the characters the story starts in. I'd recommend staying out of puff's viewpoint.

he stated." Humans could not explain the things around them so they naturally attributed it to something more powerful than themselves.

The ending... I see why you wanted to have the dragon perspective earlier. It's tough to show a multi-third person. Maybe that could be shown more in the beginning by going in all character's viewpoint.

It's a story of conversation. Almost everything is learned in dialogue which is okay but there could be more added to the story to show in a different way.

If you've never read Alpha Ralpha Boulevard by Cordwainer Smith, I'd recommend you read it.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
249
249
Review of Twist Of Fate  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I like this one. The concept behind the words is great. The only problem that I see with it is the structure. Topic wise it is a great poem.


Form:

The lines are a little long and it would look a little better (just my opinion) if the lines were separated a bit and made into more lines. It would probably flow a little better and give the poem a higher rating that it deserves.


Favorite Part:

Then I'd still have your little piece of my heart and the only thing sufferring would be my art.


Keep on Writing
250
250
Review of SD International  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a nice little poem. I like how you used a familiar place, like an airport, in poetic form. It also has an interesting dynamic due to the fact that often times meeting someone at an airport is a happy moment, but this is bittersweet.


Imagery:

The descriptions are fun and easy to visualize.


Favorite Part:

Your arrival is departing

So sweet this release but full of sorrow from loves separation


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Is it actually "urethane"? The definition from my dictionary is "a synthetic crystalline compound used in making pesticides and fungicides, and formerly as an anesthetic." Just something that made me wonder.





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