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Review Requests: ON
1,125 Public Reviews Given
1,366 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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Review of Praise the Writer  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
This was an amusing poem about writing, which was a surprising common theme of topic for a few different entries in the contest (writing that is, though all took different approaches). Satire proved a difficult challenge with the different form of humor that it requires along with the need for the reader to get the use of the genre. The inner reflection of people here on WDC is something I can see in this poem in use of the prompt.


Favorite Part:
Not sure how to explain this,
Your story just went south.
Truly, I have to disagree with you,
But I’ll try to watch my mouth.

There are a number of different fun parts in the poem. I picked this stanza because it's just after things turn south and start to get troublesome when the writer realizes they don't like that the reviewer isn't full of just praise for their item.


Final Thoughts:
For the most part, you did a good job with this poem when it comes to humor and flow. The dual aspect between writer and review proved entertaining. The last stanza is a bit rocky for me and I think it doesn't give it a solid enough of an ending. The rhyme scheme ended up creating an awkward wording with the very last line because really "What did I expect?" would sound better but then it wouldn't work with the rhyme from "rejected." Not sure how to reword it to make both work, less awkward phrasing and a rhyme that works, but if you can that would be great. But I liked the idea of the poem in particular. Because there are some who claim to want reviews, to want honest critiques but then when they get something in a review and/or rating that isn't "great" they have a hard time understanding it and instead reject what could help their writing. Nice work.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of E-Mail  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Joy .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
Interesting choice for an attempt at satire within a poem, to discuss the dilemma of emails. We like getting emails from real people but oh the spam. And satire is a type of humor that isn't easy to pen, which made it a good challenge for the contest because it requires both something from the writer but also some ability from the reader to interpret the lines in the right humor.


Favorite Part:
Spellbound Pheromones, do I need testosterone,
Milk-a-Deal, Wazza Deal, five for one,
I've won a ton. Get the feel?

This part amused me. It has a good flow and a jest to it because I can think of some of those emails. And the rhyme notes throughout makes it have a good flow to it right here. Probably what helps me like part of this is that I recognize some of them, like the testosterone bit and the I've won, though there are many other options that could have been used too.


Final Thoughts:
It took me a few reads to really understand the poem because there were parts where I wasn't sure what was going on in the poem. Part of it may be that I don't recognize a number of the emails, or that I don't quite get the royalty reference to the main character. What servants are the reference in the beginning to? I don't quite know. While some of the jest is easy to understand, not all of it is the case. And it's not easy to tell if the jest works in a satire requirement. But it was consistent and had a good flow in specific parts. I can giggle at spots of it and understand the lament over the lacking of real decent email. At times I just need to delete and I can get why the character at the end does so then is left with the frustration of the experience.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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178
Review of Life in a Box™  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This! .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
Not an easy prompt, the satire poem. You took an interesting approach with the topic you created, the little story. While it's not always easy to interpret satire, I can say that I found interest in the Life in a Box and the question at the end worked to tie things together. But I'm left a bit puzzled at the end, uncertain by what happens so that it makes it harder to get to the point. Though I'm far closer in understanding this one than some others because I can see the tale of the box and the comparison between a safe life inside and the reality or lack thereof in the happiness.


Favorite Part:
Jenny adored her Life in a Box™,
Pixelated paradise in the security of solitary.
Outsiders, they failed to recognize reality:

I like this line because it lays out an important aspect of the poem and the character. It's a good start to the poem about Life In a Box and the character's attachment to the protection from the outside world.


Final Thoughts:
Good attempt at the challenge. You wove an interesting tale, albeit not easy to tell on the level of satire, that a reader will enjoy. Thought I didn't quite understand the thread cut part. Did the one die? I couldn't figure it out. I just know that there is a loss of connection and she continues on in her safe little place with no real connection to anyone because she thinks that she can be happy living life without actually going out and experiencing anything. But that's a good point and what I guess to be the purpose behind the poem. The idea of hiding behind these computer personaes and saying this is life instead of going outside.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
179
179
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Writer_Mike .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.

Prompt:
Satire, the prompt for the contest, presents a challenge for everyone who entered. It's hard with a poem to detect the tone, the hint to humor prevalent in the common forms of satire, shows like Saturday Night Live or movies like Scary Movie, for example. The nuances can be hard to detect when reading a poem. In the case of yours, the issue to a degree is it's believable as not satire. I could see someone being serious but that may be from my stress-filled days competing in policy debate. Which thus lies the problem. Is this satire or is it just a poem making a point about something political. Hard to say.

Favorite Part:
From dawn 'til dusk on our behalf they slave
to pass the laws that keep our country free.

This set of lines has a nice flow to it. The rhythm of the lines and words work along with the sentence that follows but I didn't post that one too. It also sets the tone for most of the poem.


Final Thoughts:
A good attempt at a satirical poem to show of a commentary on one type of current political atmospheres. Didn't quite hit the mark for this judge but did write a decent poem. In some ways I could say yes, the poem is right. It's a stressful pain to spend a career writing public policies. On the other hand, I can say the same in jest like "it's such a stress filled pain to write policies with court's making decisions that don't allow what I want to enforce." One is serious, one is closer to satire because of the jest, or at least my interpretation but I may be off on that scope. How you showcase which it falls will affect the reader but the reader's personal background will also effect the result. Good attempt nonetheless.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
180
180
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there, speakcrone

I am reviewing your short story today in connection with the Angel Army and in a crazy bout of reviewing that I have going. I found your item on one of the things to read pages on the site and decided to offer my review.


Title:
The title is what drew me in to read the item. I didn't really even look at the description of the item when I decided to read it because the title was enough for me. However, the intro part is an interesting wording to describe about the story the reader will be deciding to read or not. Both work and are good to have.


Initial Reaction:
Interesting. For some reason it reminds me a little of a story I was supposed to read in college that involved yellow wallpaper but that's more because both mention a house involving the color yellow and that's about it (I never actually read the story back then). I like the idea behind this little story and the character because there is a strangeness to the focus on yellow houses that is appealing.

However, I will also say this does look like a rough draft and it needs some work. I will get to that in the other notes part of the review but the rating will be a reflection of the current state of the story, which is a start but needs a fair amount of work on the technical side.


Story/Character:
I like the idea of the story. The character who focuses on this one type of house, who imagines that it's a happy place, a grass is greener on the other side type of situation. It's something that many readers should be able to relate to because we are often looking out at others, assuming things are better and comparing. You take a good approach with this story and readers will be able to enjoy that with some editing done to help showcase the story better with some fixing of sentence structures. The character, done in first person, works well and the reader will be able to connect to the idea created from this one.


Ending:
The ending is good. While the sentence structure has the same issue as a number of the paragraphs in this story does, there is a good approach taken. The whole story has this focus on what the character wants and then they discover something by the end. There is a surprising development that works well with the story. It was a good choice to go that route with how you ended the story.


Other Notes:
These are the more technical notes. Some things I recommend working on in an edit/rewrite of the story that will make it stronger and help with the technical issues that currently exist. These are just my suggestions based off personal opinion and knowledge in writing. Hope that it helps you with your story.

First paragraph: This is okay but there are a few things that I would like to recommend that would make the start of this story a bit stronger. You want the first line and the first paragraph to both grab the reader's attention and make them have the desire to keep reading the rest of the story. I think the first sentence could be reworked a little to strengthen it and it may just be as simple as making it two sentences instead of having the comma. Also there is the line after it that needs some work.

I first saw it down the street when I was nine , it stood out,like a ray of sunshine, you know the one, the big yellow sun with a smile in every picture I drew, it made a statement it was much so prettier than mine. - This is a few sentences put into one and becomes a run on sentence. You have a couple points in here. First is about the fist yellow house, then there is the part about the yellow sun you drew as a kid, then it goes back to the yellow house but the end part gets confusing cause it sounds like it could be about either the sun or the house. I suggest this:
I first saw it down the street when I was nine. It stood out like a ray of sunshine but the kind of sunshine like the ones I drew as a kid with the big smiley face on it. The house made a statement with its bright, cheerful color amidst its bland neighbors... and continue on from there. That is just one suggestion and I'm sure you can find other ways that are just as good to beak up the sentence.

In fact, this seems a common issue in this story: run on sentences. You might want to do a little research on run-on sentences, how to spot them and ways to reword things to avoid them in the future. One on occasion in a story can work but more often the story becomes better when they are fixed.

Another example is here: Then Bam it was a rainbow for my eyes, I thought wow, just like the ones I used to draw I bet the inside is like no other, filled with staircases of candy-canes, and licorice sticks wind the stairs, so many toys, and paints and colors I could bathe in and never grow tired or bored or made to conform..I thought as a kid..I'm in heaven..this is where I belong in the yellow house, not mine.

You have it as one sentence (the .. doesn't count as the end of a sentence, and there should be a third dot if you are going to use that form of a pause because ".." doesn't mean anything but "..." does) but it should be way more than one sentence. You need punctuation after "Bam" (which doesn't need capitalized) and in a rare case could even go with an exclamation mark there. Then capitalize i in "it" followed by change the comma after "eyes" to a period. Comma after thought and either italicize or add " marks to "wow, just like the ones I used to draw." Have the rest be its own sentence about the candy-canes and licorice. Change "conform.." to just "conform." Don't need to do the double or even the triple period in that case. "I'm in heaven" should have the same method as the other thought, either italicize or quote. And really change all of the ".." parts to just single periods.

I won't pick apart the rest of the paragraphs because most of them have a run on sentence in them that need work. I'll leave it up to you to work out if you decide to rewrite this story. It's something you should consider but will take a lot of typing on here and I don't want to overwhelm by showing ever single issue in this section.



If you do a rewrite and want me to re-rate/re-review the story then let me know. Because while I do think it needs work, there is something cute there within the story and you can make it shine if you put the effort to developing it from the rough draft stage to a finished product. Nice idea, good work producing something to show on the site and keep writing.



Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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181
Review of Into The Woodland  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Samberine Everose

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Works for the poem. It is interesting enough to draw my attention, not overdone so that it's not trying to be too creative and thus push away instead of interest a reader. It's also open enough that the poem had many options for direction, which is a good choice to make when titling a poem.


Overall Impression:
Nice little poem. I found it when I was searching through some of the read pages around the site and the title drew me in. Once I saw the poem, I had to read the rest and give it a review. And I do like it. While I have a number of small things to suggest in the suggestions part of the review, I do like what you have hear and the whimsical approach you took with the poem. There is something imaginative here, like the description mentioned, and that is fun.


Imagery:
There are some fun, creative images that this poem showcases. It's a bit strange and that's part of its charm. The fireflies, sparkling embers and glowing spring flowers all create a fantastical image for the reader and one others will appreciate.


Favorite Part:
Sparkling embers, bewitched my eyes,

Not that the other lines aren't good, but I like the imagery of this line in particular and the idea of the floating embers that sparkle. The line showcases some of the whimsy and personality in the poem.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
This is where I get nitpicky and offer my suggestions on things you could edit in this poem. They are based on my personal opinion and knowledge in writing. Hope that this part can help you develop the poem, which is a good start of something that once tweaked will be even better.

Echoes were sung, beneath the leaves of every trees, - I would suggest that because of the use of the word "every" that you change "trees" to "tree". Every points to the singular even though you are discussing more than one tree. That or you could delete the word every, but it would change the flow of the line a bit.

Like chimes that dance and blends with the wind, - This is okay but I recommend changing "blends" to "blend" because it matches with the tone that "dance" created in this line.

Fireflies surrounds me, and warmth my cheeks, - This line is a bit... off. I think part of it is that "surrounds" should be "surround" (It would be a firefly surrounds me, or fireflies surround me, but only one of the two words ends with an s). The other part has to the with the end of the line, "and warmth my cheeks," because there seems to be something missing. It sounds incomplete, that or "warmth" is an incorrect word choice. You could say "warms my cheeks" as in the fireflies warm your cheeks. You could also go with "warmeth" but it's not really a word and some might wonder why you added the "eth" part.

Leading me to leap in their wings,who lift. - Minor detail here too. Space after the comma but also, it feels incomplete. I can guess that it means they lift with their wings and it's you they are lifting but something is missing in the line at the end.

Now I have much freedom to fly so high, - This line is okay and you could keep it how it is, but I do think that it could be tightened up and made even better. The words "much" and "so" are used to enhance the words they are near but in the end they actually weaken the sentence. My suggestion is to change "much" to "the", cut out "so" and add something to the end to finish the thought. Or I'm sure you can find another way to fix the line too that works just as well.

Those flies softly plunge me, in a gem with silk, - I like parts of it but I think you should change "flies" to "fireflies", maybe even say the instead of those in the line because it's more consistent with the previous stanza. Flies and fireflies have different connotations to enough of a degree that it's good to keep to the one in the poem.

I saw a beautiful fairy, and gave me a wish. - This line... I don't know. It's nice in that there is a fairy and I like fairies but it doesn't have a strong, this is the end of the poem feel that it needs. The second part of the line is confusing to a small degree because you are the actor in the start of the sentence but the actor technically would be the fairy in the second half but that's not quite how it's written. I would, if not rewriting the line entirely (which you could consider doing), at least add in a "he" or a "she" before "gave" to help fix the line. But really a rewrite to something a bit clearer and more final would be a good option because the ending line of a poem is vital and needs to leave a lasting impression on the reader.


Nice work with this poem. If you edit it by chance and ever want a re-rate/review then let me know. Keep writing!


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
182
182
Review of Blinded Art  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Zoe Ross

I'm Dawn and I found your poem in the searching for items to review and the title caught my attention. Thanks for sharing the poem on WDC.


Title:
I liked the title and the description of this poem. It caught my attention and made me want to read it, which is what you want from the title and the description. Well done there.


Comments:
I liked the use of color here. It makes for an interesting poem that is a little different but at the same time quite poetic. It reminds me a little of this poem I knew in high school that talked about a child coloring flowers different colors than the expected ones. I put a number of colors into a poem once and liked the outcome, yours does well in that you took the colors and put them to good use in this case. And I also must admit that I appreciate the mention of the color but that you didn't use colored font in the poem.


Form:
Nothing specific though it's a common form of 4 lines per stanza and a rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
This poem does okay with the rhythm and rhyme scheme. However, lines 2 and three are a bit off rhyme wise because green and seem don't quite rhyme, at least not in the same end rhyme that the rest of the lines use. The rest work pretty well.


Imagery:
This is where the colors really help because I can imagine them. I can picture the green sky with pink clouds in it, or the lilac sea and blue sand beaches. Creative images that I personally enjoy and even makes me want to put such into a painting some day.


Favorite Part:
The sea is lilac,
And the sand is blue,

I like a good percent of the lines in this poem actually but this is a good example of a spot I loved and one I can easily say why. The image that it creates in my end is fantastic. I can see the lilac waters as they flow toward the blue sand. Very nice.


Conclusion:
Overall, good job with this poem. I enjoyed it. Keep writing!


blue case sig created for me by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
183
183
Review of The Gaiman Story  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello SteinFussel

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Different approach because it's not so much focused on the content of the story but the inspiration.


Initial Reaction:
Very nice. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman though I've only read a couple of his books so far. I don't get BBC, or well any channels, so I am not familiar with the opening that inspired the bit of flash fiction but I could still appreciate the story. You did a good job with this tale and by the time I got the end, which didn't take too long cause it's short, you had sparked my interest. I enjoyed the story and could read more.


Character:
Interesting. He's not a strong, reader gets to know them type of main character but you are working with limited space and the plot is a bit more important in this case than the details of the main character. He is the vehicle for the story but focus isn't on him but what is happening around him and the mystery that isn't solved.


Plot:
Very nice. While it's inspired by a different writer, the story stands well on its own and the plot has a great moment near the end in this very short piece. There is kind of that "dun dun dun" (that music used in some tv shows when something worsens and the mystery increases) moment created when the reader learns more in the story. Well done.


Ending:
The ending works. It is enough, even though we don't know what happens as the mystery isn't solved, to make it feel complete in a strange way as a flash fiction story. On the other hand, it also would work if you wanted to expand the story and make it longer. You catch the readers attention and I wouldn't be surprised if others wanted to read more to find out what is going on, to solve the mystery.


Other Notes:
I don't have much in the way of notes here, as you did a good job writing this story. This part is where I give suggestions based on my point of view. Hope that it helps you and if you don't agree with something, you're the head of the keyboard. So, here is the little bit I have to offer. At times the voice does get a bit passive in this small story. It's not too bad and if you left them in I don't think it'd deter people from reading the story but if you were looking to develop or edit the story there are a few sentences that could be strengthened by making them more active.

A man was standing on the pavement, looking straight at him, mouthing words. - See, this is okay but I think if you reworded it that it could be a stronger sentence. If you could remove the "was" I think it would sound a bit better. Something more like: A man stood on the corner, staring straight at him and his mouth moved forming inaudible words... okay, maybe not quite that but you can get the idea and create something better.

For some reason, that he could not imagine, that man looked unusually pale like all color had been sucked out of him. - Here, the first half of the sentence is weak because it gives some random thing that the pov character doesn't know. Instead, cut out "for some reason that he could not imagine" part and just say the man pale man looked as if all the color had been sucked out of him. Or something along those lines.

Have you considered putting when he first sees the photograph to say there were 8 guys in it? Just curious because in the beginning the wording is there are "several". I mean, I understand that it might be done to keep the reader in the dark a little but since there is a limited time between him saying there are 7 and realizing the difference from before, it's okay for the reader to catch on a mere second before the MC. I think it would work either way.

Oh, also if you would like more to read it, you might consider giving the static item a content rating. That might help because then people could find it in searches and such. I'd say 18+ would work fine for the story.



Anyways... Nice work on this story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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184
Review of "Going Nowhere"  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Sca

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I have gone through and reviewed something from every student in the class and now it's your turn. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title works for the poem. The description is nice in that it tells what the poem was written for, the poetry class, and the form used. If you're going to keep this poem for a long time and edit, you could consider adding something about the poem content in the description too. But if not then it's fine this way too.

I do recommend taking the title out of the body of the poem, especially if you keep the spacing this way. You might be able to leave it in if you change the spacing on the rest of the poem but leave the spacing between the title and the poem itself. Right now it looks like the title is the first line, especially since you put punctuation in the title, which also isn't needed.


Comments:
A good attempt. I am guessing that poetry isn't your top writing preference but it's good you were able to take the class in PDG and get the forms done. And you did go for witty with this little poem, which is something recommended in the form description that I have. So, you worked to embrace the form, which was nice to see. Even if it's not your forte, it's good to learn from a different type of writing every now and then.


Form:
Triolet - From what I can see, it looks like you followed the form well. It has the right rhyme scheme and line repetition required.

I recommend putting a note at the bottom of a poem (you can use it in dropnote form if you check out the writing ml tips) about the form used. I've seen it both ways and either works. You want a little space between the end of the poem and the form description so they can take in the poem on its own. But having it there will help because some readers will be interested in knowing (especially those reviewing) about the form to see how the poem follows it but not all of them will want to take the time and search for the information on their own. If you do it in dropnote then they have to click on the link for the info to drop down, that way it doesn't distract from the poem itself but is available for those that are interested in finding out about it.


Other Notes:
There are just some suggestions based on my knowledge and opinion of poetry. You can take what you think will help improve the poem if you decide to keep it in your port and leave the rest behind. I just have a few technical comments as the content of the poem is fine.

Spacing - In poetry, every line, pause and even space between the lines has an influence on how the poem is read. While with stories I think more people need to put spaces between paragraphs than do, in the case of poetry, I don't recommend putting a lot of space, especially between single lines. There should be at least one space between each stanza (which is a group of lines) but a space between each single line isn't needed and in fact messes with the flow of the poem. By putting the amount of space you have between each line of the poem it causes the reader to have very large pauses while reading it, ones that aren't needed. So, I suggest putting it all into one stanza, no space between and no using the doublespace feature that is available on static items. It will help the poem in rhythm and appearance.

Punctuation - The commas do help in the poem, however, I do think that the punctuation could be reworked. I am a fan of either no punctuation, or following all the punctuation rules and using every single one needed based on the sentences used in a poem. I don't recommend to anyone the middle ground where it's some punctuation used and not always the ones one would think would be needed. There are a few changes you could make in this poem punctuation wise besides the one I mentioned about the title. For example, if you're going to use punctuation at all in the poem, I would recommend putting periods at the ends of each sentence (not line but sentence, as those differ) and in particular at the very end of the poem. You can put commas at the ends of lines if they are needed in the sentence but if that spot in the sentence doesn't need a comma then it's not needed just because it's the end of the line either. The moving from the one line to the next works as enough space in most cases for a reader. Or... you can remove all of the commas and use no punctuation. Granted some people will comment about how they think it needs punctuation, but I think this one would be okay without any.

If you edit this poem and want a re-review/re-rate, then let me know and I'd be happy to look at it again.



Overall you made a good effort with this poem and produced a cute little bit about a dog and a donkey. Nice job and I hope you keep developing your skills as a writer.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
185
185
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings LdyPhoenix .

My name is Dawn and I am reviewing your survey to explain in part why I picked it for the short stories newsletter I wrote. I found the item by searching for characters because of the topic I had chosen. Having showcased the survey and answered the questions myself, this is the last step. Reviewing what you have created here.


Title:
The title is nice and draws people in to the item. Though I will say I didn't quite get the emphasis that existed in the questions on identifying with the main character, but that's okay. The description helps with this factor and the question in the description is the big one.


Overall Reaction:
I liked the survey overall. It did have a bit more of focus on identifying with the main character on a personal level but that is a good question to ask writers and readers. While I don't need characters to be like me, there has to be some connection, interest, or other reason to read about them, especially in a longer story like a novel.

The layout is simple and well done for a survey with the types of questions presented in ways that a reader will understand. I like that you kept it simple with not much frill. No writing ml or emoticons needed here. It gives it a little bit more of a formal feel but that is a good approach in this situation.


Other Notes:
I don't have any editing or other notes available. I know the item was made years ago and that's okay in this type of item because even if you aren't collecting the responses anymore, the questions are ones I think many need to consider when they think about writing. I know a few who could use some focus on character before they write a story. Something like this can help them see some factors a writer can consider when trying to write a relateable character. I hope others will take your questions on character into consideration.

Thanks for having and keeping this item in your port. Hope the answers over the years have proven useful to you and the people who answer the survey.


blue case sig created for me by Kiyasama
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Andrea . I came across your In & Out activity back when I searched for character items to feature in my first official newsletter. I am also review this fun little question as part of "The WDC Angel Army"  [ASR]. Thanks for sharing this great little thought provoking activity.


Title:
This works. It draws the person in because it's something that anyone who reads novels may have considered in the past and tells them they can share their thoughts with someone else. And the full question form in the description was a good choice. Draw the viewer in is the goal and you achieved that with me.


Initial Reaction:
I liked this In & Out. I must admit that I don't often search for those kinds of activities or take part in them. I have only created one in my almost 8 years of being on the site. However, I like when I find something that asks me a creative question that involves either writing or reading. And I'm a fan of anything that promotes reading. *Wink*


Nitpicky suggestions and other notes:
Here I just have a couple minor suggestions that you could consider if you ever wanted to go back and revamp the In & Out. These are just my thoughts on some possible ways to rework it and hope that it helps you.

First sentence - The wording of the fist sentence has an off feel in my head. I think it's because of the first word. Starting with "Ever" I get the feeling like either the tense is wrong after it, or that some words are missing. Two possible rewrite options are:
"Have you ever dreamed of being one of the characters you've read about in books..."
or
"Ever dream about being one of the character you've read about in books..."


The simple nature of the questions presented works but you could also add that part of the item. The In & Out is one of the places where I think writing ml and the right few emoticons can spice things up. Spruce up the appearance and it would add to the overall affect. Though be careful not to overdo it as a little bit of well chosen color and the right emoticon can go further in improving an activity items appearance far more than random emoticons and varying colored fonts ever could.

Also, you could provide at the end an example of how the answer might be worded because the item type has a set bit of words that start off each response. In the case of yours it is "I want to be" but in some cases the answers don't flow with that start because they just post how they want to respond with their full sentences. Granted you can't change much on how people respond, that is on them and not you. It couldn't hurt to give a sample answer or two. Plus that way everyone can see your answer to the question even after there have been more than 50 responses. Just a suggestion.


Overall, a nice little In & Out for people to take part in and even after many years past its creation date, a timeless question for anyone to answer. Keep up the good work.

Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of All Her Own  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there AbbyReed

I thought I'd check out your port and do a little review for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I have tried entering the Daily Slice in the past and know the challenge in can present so looked forward to offering this review. Hope that it helps you and thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
A good title. It works to draw the reader in, has an appeal along with fitting well with the story. After reading it I can see the connection, which is nice but not always easy to achieve with a title. The description worked for when the contest round happened but now I would suggest changing it to have something about the story and not just the contest that inspired the entry.


Initial Reaction:
Well done with this story. I don't know what prompt you had for this one but you managed a dark tale here. Reminded me of the one character from Of Mice and Men except with cats, babies, female character and that she had a bit more awareness to her actions along with different reasoning for her actions.

I will say that while this story did have a dark quality, always something almost haunting about it, at the same time it didn't come to me as scary. Reminds me a little of something I tried writing for the contest(not story wise but degree of horror) because the mindset of character is messed up and it's a bit creepy but at the same time I don't feel the horror of it. But I also don't understand horror as a genre so that may be the issue.


Character Development:
Interesting choice in character. We (the readers) get to see her desperation and what she wants. In a twisted way, we can feel some empathy towards her as the main character and even though it's creepy what she's doing at the same time I could also feel her triumph in finally getting what she wanted, getting one of her own.


Plot:
Wish I knew the prompt if there was one that inspired the story. The plot is good for the dark type of story that you created with what she wants and what she is willing to do to get it. Creepy about how she prefers things to be in her life and mentally messed up but a good approach for a story.



Ending:
The end works for the most part. We get to see her get what she wanted even though we at the same time don't want her to have that because of what she's doing. It works and brings the title into the story too, which is a good option. Some might wonder about the things she didn't notice at the end, it does leave something untold but also does pull a tiny bit out of her pov to a more distant approach but that works out okay too.



Other Notes:
Not much I have to say here except for a couple minor details.

First Paragraph - I had to look at it more than once but it appears that the first paragraph is written in present tense, while the rest of the story, including the end, is in past tense. The things that gave it away were words like "is" and "watches" and such. Also, it feels a bit disconnected near the end of the paragraph because most of the paragraph is about how difficult it is but all of a sudden we get "she had done it before". Right tense for rest of story, though I would suggest either adding something to lead between the sentence before that one or I would maybe put it down to a different paragraph.


Overall, good job and attempt at a daily slice, which is a challenge to write not only cause of the genre (for some) but also the length and deadline. Well done.

Keep Writing!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Character speaks  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and found your portfolio on the Newbie forum so decided to check out what you have posted. Most of my advice will focus on the technical aspects of this piece and not the content. Hope it helps and to see more writing from you in the future.


Title:
An interesting title. For many of us we think of character as in the people we write, but there is a person's character and it's good to promote that to people. I see you added a teen category and that's a good choice. The description you put added an interesting question and helped give the reader an idea of what to expect when deciding to read the little piece.


Comments:
This item is listed as a poem but is lacking some of the structure that would make it easier to read. As a bulk paragraph, it's harder for someone to read, makes it slower, and lacks the pauses that the usual poem structure provides with different lines and stanzas. This doesn't make it bad, just with some tweaking it would give the piece more flow and be easier for the reader. If someone used it as a spoken poem then with their voice they could add in the pauses and cadences to hit the right points, but since we are reading it online instead of listening, we need some other methods to get the same understanding.

About the rating: I don't want to discourage so I will give a slight discussion on the rating. While 5 stars is desired by many, it's something that I believe should be rare and for the story/poem that is something near perfect and publishable. A 2.5-3.5 is what most items will receive on here because we put out our first drafts looking for ways to make the items better. 1 does feel harsh at times but a one star has the advantage in that it can only get better whereas there isn't much one can do when something needs work and gets a 5. So, hopefully that helps make this understandable. And I am always open to re-rating an item after it has been rewritten. Just let me know if you make changes and want another review.


Favorite Part:
You are who were meant to be, so let it get out so people can see.

This line to me is the entire point of the piece and a great message. I am all for recommending people accepting their own self and letting others see who the real them instead of a fake mask we like to put up when someone else is involved.


Suggestions:
I am going to copy and paste some of your item in here and give an example of what adding some space and putting part where you get into the rhyming (the more poetic part). This is just something to consider but it can give you an idea of how it could look if you decide you like the structure and stanza approach because of what it will offer the item as far as readability is concerned.

Here is one suggestion for spacing. It's a bit hard based on the sentence structure and their are a couple minor errors that could be fixed with an edit, like the ' needed in dont and doesn't. But aside from that, this takes the rhyme scheme in consideration and shows more the poetic aspect of the item along with some combination of prose as it doesn't all follow the same structure or sound like a poem. At least to me. Of course, you don't have to follow the suggestion but if considering poetry on here, looking into structure, lines and stanzas will help.

My suggestion for the first part of the item:

So this is for the people whose names have been in other people's mouth and phrases. This is for the people whose names have been put in a new version of true cases.

It doesnt matter what they say because what truly matters is what they're gonna pay. No, dont get excited. They wont pay you, they'll pay life whenever it's due. I know right now it seems a little unjust or unfair, but really who cares?
After that they wont have any option. It will be like playing a short game of truth or dare.

And then you'll be like,"wow those people are rude and cruel"
but dont let it get to your veins,
because the truth is that they're mentally insane.
You are who were meant to be, so let it get out so people can see.
So why are you afraid of showing people the real you?
Why are you ashamed of showing people what you do?

You are who were meant to be,
so let it get out so people can see.


Hope this helps and keep writing. We all take time to learn and with each item we create that is another step forward.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Door  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello AbbyReed

I'm stepping in to do the reviewing out the lesson 2 from "Invalid Item"  but this will also be linked in the review portion of our group, "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I did not have anything to do with the lesson and that fact might affect my review a little because I have to try and figure out how the story works with the individual lesson in mind having never read the previous incarnation of the story. So, here goes with my review over the passive voice lesson and this story.


Lesson 2, Passive Voice:
I am going to try my best but there are a few factors with the lesson and the approach taken that make this difficult. Because I haven't read the first version, and you didn't do the bold and red font (keeping in the sentences you were editing for passive voice), I have no way of knowing what you changed as part of the lesson. Next time I would suggest following the method the lesson recommends or doing it in separate static items at least.

While I don't know what passive parts you cut out, I do know some still exist at least according to the handy little site I have used to help point me in the right direction for story edits. Editminion.com is a helpful tool though don't rely on it 100 percent because it does have flaws and won't always be accurate. But I will post a couple spots that it found and make suggestions to get a more active result.

The slight shake of the blue pencil poised at her eye was the only hint of the quaking in her gut. - Not bad but a bit of rearranging of the sentence can cut out the "was" in this case. "The only hint towards the quaking she experienced in her gut came from the slight shake of the blue pencil poised at her eye." Is one example of a rewrite to make it a more active sentence but there are a couple other ways to do it if you play around with the sentence.

While "was" is common for passive voice there are plenty of times when it is okay. Here is an example that even though editminion highlighted it as passive, it's not necessary to change it: Grace knew she was lying.

This was the logic of a fourteen-year old lashing out with anything she had. - This is another one that's not bad but also could be reworked. I also picked this one because the voice differed a bit in this sentence than the rest of the story to me. Probably because it's about the other character but tries to maintain the voice of the main character to a degree. You could reword it to something like "she lashed out with the logic of a fourteen year old, grasping at anything she had in her arsenal." Or something else. Oh and "fourteen-year old" isn't right. I don't quite remember if it's fourteen year old or fourteen-year-old but you either hyphenate or don't at all.

There are some others, like the use of "are" in dialogue and such. It's hard to tell at times what to keep in and what to change because passive is one of those acceptable sometimes just not always type of rules. Passive voice is a hard lesson because it's a continual struggle for many of us and is part of the reason why learning to edit is important.


Other notes:
Here is where I'm going to give my overall opinion of the actual story and not just what is passive and what isn't. It wouldn't be a proper review without at least talking a little about the story in general.

I must admit that my mind went a different route when it came to what she walked in on at the start of the story. I thought something a little worse would be going on and you probably intended that with how the story is crafted. Though for most PDG activities you'll have to be careful when going for the type of story because it sounded almost like something sexual happened. I wouldn't have guessed the real thing she walked in on. Maybe a hint or two layed out earlier in the story would help in not giving away the surprise but for a second read showing the facts were there for the reader.

Rating wise, okay, here is the deal with this one. Yes, 13+ rating does allow for mild sexual and drug references. However, PDG has a slightly higher standard in material they accept. There is a reason some of my reviews don't even get connected with PDG and it's because of the content of the items I'm reviewing, for example. From now on, I suggest not having a drug or sexual reference in a story you are submitting for a PDG item. And yes, I even asked another instructor from PDG about this so it's not just me saying so.

Other than that, you have a decent scene. I did find the conflict a bit tame for a short story and while it had sibling drama, the resolution happened pretty fast. I almost wish there had been something more to the resolution than "okay, I won't tell." But at the same time it's easy enough to understand why she wouldn't want to based on the glass example.


Hope that you learned well from the lessons of the class (I don't know if you've done lesson three but if you haven't you might want to do that one) and take what you learn to apply to future stories. Keep writing and you will continue to improve.

Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sparky

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item as part of "A Romance Contest"  [13+] and also in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. It was fun judging the contest for Bonnie and I enjoyed reading all of the entries. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
A good title considering it gives the reader a hint along with the description of what to expect in the story. That is useful to a degree because some might not like the element of surprise the story could hold if it weren't hinted to in the title/description, though if you wanted to surprise the reader with the story then all you'd have to do is take out the hints in this part and it would work. The description does sound a bit like random stuff put in, though I can tell the relation to the prompts if someone doesn't know about the contest they may wonder what they all mean.


Overall Reaction:
This was quite the story. I did get into it on an emotional level, connecting with the main character and her emotions of the potential loss of her ex. Even though I knew it was related to April Fools and a type of joke, I forgot that part when I started reading it and the end came as a minor disappointment. I wanted the situation to be real and to keep the emotion in place. When it all ended up as a joke made I was a little disappointed. And at the end we know it was a joke but we have no idea why, what will happen to the characters or if there is a shot for them as a couple. We just get cut off before finding out anything else.

The factor that went into the results of the contest round, I will admit, is the genre. A romance contest will have some specific requirements that other contests will not because as a whole the genre has requirements that the readers will expect. This story, to me, felt lacking when it came to the romance side in part because of the joke. We get in the beginning that they used to be a couple but overall, this ends up not as a romance story which played a part in my decision.


Setting:
Hospital room. Provides a good setting for the emotional part for a good portion of the story. Keeping it in the one room works instead of having it go from place to place. It's a good focal point as far as settings are concerned.


Characters:
We are with the female character as far as point of view is concerned. The guy is there but we have a limited view of him. It was a good choice to go with her for this story because we get into her emotions, the regret the fear and realization that someone she loved might die. It's a bit different when the joke gets revealed but overall, she was a good choice for pov.


Plot:
The plot is okay in general. If I look at it from the requirements of most romance then it becomes lacking because the "will they get together" question doesn't quite exist nor is there an answer for it at the end.

Some might find it questionable to have the doctor be the one playing the practical joke. It may be hard for some readers to believe that could happen.

The joke ruined it a little for me because we don't know the doctor, we don't see him till the incident and there is no hint of their practical joke nature from thoughts of their past. Which makes it feel a bit disconnected from the rest of the story. Overall, I wanted to see more of the romance, something to show a relationship or at least more of the love they may still feel for each other, and for me it didn't work in this story.


Ending:
The ending is okay but a big cut off. We get the April Fools and then it's over. We don't get enough resolution for my taste. It's just, haha april fools and then, the end. We don't get any resolution to their relationship because of the joke and also because of the prompt you chose. While it was listed, there is a minor issue with a character dying at the end when it comes to romance. We don't get to see how she handles the joke after it happens beyond the slightly corny line that ends the story. It probably will work in a different context, just a general story that asks for april fools jokes as the prompt.


Other Suggestions:
I don't have as much here. My biggest technical issue in this piece is that for me the paragraph structures were a bit odd. For the most part, from my research, it's better to either put space between paragraphs or not at all. Consistency is key. I recommend people put a space between paragraphs. The thing with this story is you do that part of the time but there are a number of paragraphs that look like they are different ones but there is no space between them. I don't know if these were accidental misses or done on purpose but I would either delete the spaces and click on the double space option below, or add in the single space between the paragraphs that don't currently have it.

I'd also recommend using the exclamation mark a bit less. It's one of the punctuation marks that are to be used with caution. Sure it works but often isn't needed. Many will suggest only using a couple for the entire story and I'm in that camp when it comes to that form of punctuation. It's a personal decision but something to consider.


Thanks for entering the Spring Romance Contest. I enjoyed my time as the substitute judge and reading all the entries. Good work and keep writing.



image made by me for group affiliation


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Notions  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello piewhackett1

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is what drew me to this poem. That and the random reads feature because I wouldn't have found the item without that little features. I've never really used the random reads before but glad I gave it a few clicks in order to see your work. There are many great members on WDC and I enjoy seeing what they write. Back to the title. The title itself is great because it shows potential for many things that could come up as the writing. Many different poems or stories could created under the title "Notions". And the description you chose gives a little hint to get a readers attention without giving much away.


Comments:
I like the concept presented along with your poetic style. The first line does get a little ummm Dr. Seuss-y is the best way I could describe it. I get a little of the green eggs and ham stuff in my head if I just read that one line, but the rest steers it away from that format.

I will admit, however, that I am not one who likes colored font for writing. When I see a story or poem or even in a review using color I search for a reason behind the specific color and wonder why they decided to go that route. On yours, I had to wonder why the red. I like red but there didn't seem to be a connection in the poem to the specific color used. I also find that it's a bit strange in my mind to do a poem in colored font because for most in the industry if you submit an item for publication you wouldn't want to use different colors when it comes to the font. But I notice that a number of people on the site here love using different colors for no visible reason other than they like the colors.

It is also interesting how one paragraph is focused on "me" sort of a first person approach and the paragraph after it has a "you" focus, then it goes back and forth. That worked out for this poem.


Form:
4 lines, 4 stanzas, no specific form given. That is fine.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
There does seem to be a specific rhyme scheme used in this poem. There are a couple spots where the ends do rhyme but that is more by change than on purpose I assume based on the rest of the lines.


Favorite Part:
When you get an idea write it down right.
Many of the greatest notions are forgotten.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
I won't point out every single line but I do recommend doing another read for the punctuation. Some of the lines sound like they might be missing a comma or to be two sentences, like in the last stanza first sentence. While some of the middle of the sentences feel lacking in punctuation, I also feel that not every end of a line needs a period. Some of those can be combined because a line doesn't necessarily need to be viewed as its own sentence. A sentence can cover a number of lines in a poem. It's something to consider.


Thank you for sharing you writing on WDC and I hope you continue to write and hard your work here. I am always happy to see members who have been here a long amount of time and still post and work on their writing.


image made by me for group affiliation
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello A*Monaing*Faith

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and also as part of the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Well considering the basic idea behind the small little attempt at a haiku poem, the title makes sense. It's quirky and would probably draw some attention as people will wonder what a tomato vampire might be, so that works. It's part of a daily challenge, based on the contest and day number listed, so that gives information too and it's nice to know what contest, which the book item the poem is in does that well.


Comments:
This poem has potential but in the end didn't work for me. I felt almost like it was two different poems cut and pasted together with the first half, the part in first person as one poem, and the rest as a different poem. I was also confused by the different font aspects, the italics then bold, then colors. I don't know why they are done that way but it didn't make sense in my head at least.

While the idea of the vegetarian vampire is amusing, I think it's one that needed a different form, one with more lines and syllables allowed, in order to pull it off. As a haiku, it just didn't work for me.

The rating is based on this single poem, and not the book in its entirety.


Form:
A haiku is a simple but difficult form. Having only 3 lines, 1 stanza and specific syllable counts requires a certain finesse. While it looks like you followed the form, I had some struggles over the content that was used in the attempt. While, I know that many write haiku's about things other than just nature, and that is fine, the disjointed nature that I listed above made it harder to understand this particular haiku attempt.


Favorite Part:
The initial idea behind the poem. I'm not a fan of vampires in general, even the mention of them usually, but this idea would be an exception to that fact. It has an amusing concept and could be developed further.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
This is my general suggestion of the poem. I'm not going to pick it apart line by line as I feel that isn't necessary. These are just my opinion of what I think would work better for the poem. If you decide to keep it however you want, that is fine too.

First, the different font things. - I am one who doesn't like random colors and such in writing online unless I can see the reason for it. This is a case where aside from maybe tomato being red and considering the prompt the red almost made sense, nothing else really showed a reason for the differences. It's just kind of random and without purpose, which I know some like to do on WDC but for me, it doesn't work as well and instead distracts the reader. I would recommend not having the italics, or the colors, or the random underlining of one word unless you can warrant the reason for doing those things in the very short poem.

I would either go with the italic portion of the poem, and write the whole poem in that voice, or delete it and write the poem in the distant, look at the vampire who eats tomato aspect. Doing both at once doesn't connect well together and with the poem being so short, it's not enough room to have it so disjointed. The first part in the first person pov had an interesting voice, but I imagine the problem with is was that you don't have a lot of room and wanted to get in the vegetarian tomato part, which is fine. However, if it can't be done in the first person, then the beginning needs changed to keep the voice the same throughout.


Hope you are enjoying the challenge of the month long contest and having fun writing the different kinds of poems. I know that a month challenge isn't easy, having done them before, and sometimes you struggle to get the poem, but in the end having written these will help improve your skills as a poet. Good effort and good luck with other poems in the future.


image made by me for group affiliation


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Suitable since this is just supposed to be that, an introduction to the character. There will be other titles that come up I'm sure, but you're just starting so this is okay. The description says what it is for but not about the story or plot, that is something I would recommend maybe rewording because unless people are looking for character building types, they might skip this one over.


Initial Reaction:
Interesting. It started off a bit slow and I wondered at first if this was going to be one just to learn about the character and not have much conflict but the ending helped change that. Overall, I enjoyed the story the more I read.



Setting:
Typical fantasy so far. While it's not shown a lot in detail in this section of the story, there is enough to hint at the typical almost medieval but not quite fantasy setting with castles and magic, war torn countries and such. Would like to see a little more that makes it different, its own, but I'm sure you'll get around to that at some point.



Character Development:
The focus of this story is on character development, so it worked out okay for the most part. It feels more like the start of a story than a focus on character development though. We do get some information about Dafyd, but it felt more like just a regular story with the plot being a large focus, though it did show a caring character who is learning and growing.


While I am able to suspend belief about a bird growing to be giant (with magic after all), I had a hard time with the bird's name. It's okay to name it after someone but maybe since that someone is not only alive but in a good part of the story, it would be easier to use a part or their name for the bird and not the whole name. It would still be named after her, just with more of a nickname instead of her full name. I guess the full name isn't too bad, it's just since most recommend not having anyone with very similar sounding names, I'd imagine an issue might come up with a character and an important aspect of the story having the exact same name. But I could be wrong.


Plot:
Interesting so far, though the overall story still is yet to come and there hopefully will be more about this character. Right now the character reacts to what comes up but we don't know the goals and conflicts facing the main character.

I like that you introduced the bird first before bringing up the conflict that required using the giant bird. Always need to show the item that can save the day used in regular moments before pulling it out of the hat and going "tada!" and you managed to do that. At first we have no idea what the bird has to do with anything other than showing the struggle in learning magic and how caring the character is, not to mention that it's a younger character without the age actually being given. Though I almost think we need to see something else where that mantra about mistakes being useful or the one about trying could be used again before we get to a bigger moment when it becomes necessary to help solve a bigger conflict, but that depends on the real overall conflict and focus of the story.


Ending:
The ending is when things started picking up. There is a danger and a change in action that moves the character forward. It's more of a beginning than an ending in a way because it's obvious there is much story from this point, and so the end is just where the scene stops and not the story.



Nitpicks and Suggestions:
I don't have much here. There are some things that need developing but I think this is just a starting point and not something you want to publish as a short story, per se. So, I won't nitpick much on the minor details.

Or rather, it all began when his friend, the princess Brendora, stormed into the room holding an injured bird. - This is my one nitpicky point, because it caught my attention right away and since it's the beginning of the story, it stood out. My issue is with "the" before princess. Since this is an introduction to her character I get where you are coming up, however, I think it would work better just to call her Princess Brendora, instead of calling her "the princess Brendora". If you want to use "the princess" it would have to be more "the princess, Brendora, stormed into the room".


Good job and good luck with the story and challenges ahead.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and of course with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is a bit fun and links to the little fun type of poem. It does have an interesting aspect to it, promising an adventure for the reader right in the title. It's good to have the type of poem form in the description, but more would be even better. I would suggest adding a little detail to hint at what the poem is about in the description. It could be something simple and short will be enough to draw a reader in to pick the poem to read over other choices.


Comments:
Interesting poem overall. I like aspects of it, but other parts didn't work for me on a personal level in how I react to poetry. Certain lines sounded great but other parts of the poem don't have a flow in my head and the rhythm got lost. While I like the idea of the poem, it ended up not being one for me.


Form:
I have not seen the form before, so it was interesting to see a poem created in the different form type. In rare instance, I liked the repetitive lines the most in this poem. It follows the form to my knowledge, since I have a limited base as it seems a relatively easy type to do.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
To me, this is the part that didn't work out in this particular poem. The repeated lines have a bit of a rhythm to them, but the other sentences cut that off a bit. They don't have the same flow and even though it's not supposed to have rhyming (and I prefer not rhyming in many ways even though in this one the lines I like the most do rhyme) there are word choices, in particular at the end of sentences, that affect the flow. And having them be all little sentences gives a staccato feeling in a way, it's short beats and that makes it a bit rocky sounding in my head.


Favorite Part:
I like pizza, hot dogs, and chicken wings,
So why does my Mom make me try new things?

I like this part because it's cute, believable, childish and sets up the rest of the poem. It also has a decent rhythm in part because of the rhyme but also in part just because of word choices and sounds in general. In fact, I would take some thing from these lines to add to the brief description in order to draw more readers into picking the poem to check out.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple comments on some of the lines in particular that the flow struggled for me.

The allergy line followed by the doesn't want me to die were both parts that seemed too short and messed up the flow for me. I also had a harder time linking the sentences in this part of the poem because they were so short and I don't feel it worked with what you were going for. While it's cut to have the poem be about trying something new and maybe being in secret liking it, I think in order to show that you might need a longer poem. Though it is a bit believable to be from a child's pov with how it is written.

Something about the child confiding to me, the reader, in this poem was a struggle for me. I like the idea of a poem written from that perspective but for some reason tonight I just struggled with this one.

However, good job making the effort with the poem and taking on the challenge of the form. Good luck with it in the contest.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E] as well. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
I like the title as it connects to the original inspiration but also has it's own little twists. I was a bit confused about the choice in golem, but that was more because I didn't know what it was. A quick look in my dictionary helped to fix that. And the description is good because it explains what you are trying to do with the retelling of a possibly familiar story depending on the reader.


Initial Reaction:
Kind of fun that I get to review this piece. I really wanted to enter the contest too and I feel a little bad because I had an idea but it turned out too big to do in short story and last minute, so I didn't get to enter. So many contests are struggling for entries right now. But to the actual reaction to your story.

Honestly, I own a copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep but I have never read it. And I have never seen Blade Runner. So, I had no idea if it followed the storyline or how much and such, but I still enjoyed reading your version.


Setting:
Set in medieval times for the contest that inspired the story. I think you did pretty well showing minimal aspects of setting in order to give the medieval appearance without taking it too far. The clay part worked out great for that factor and also the connection with the story that inspired it.


Character Development:
Overall, interesting. I didn't quite expect it to go the way it did, partly because I had never read the original story or seen the movie it inspired. Yet it made sense with the character and the different sections we got of him. We saw little parts of him that later on connect when the reveal happens. I think he worked well for the role and even with the sections of story where it feels like a little story might be missing but there are often word count restraints to consider affecting his development a little.


Plot:
Well done. The sections tell/show the important part of the story, the ones the reader needs to see for sure. I don't remember the word count limit but you didn't have a novella or even novelette option so they sections make sense in this case to tell the story. While it's obviously not the most original idea out there, when writing from someone else's story that's kind of a given, I think that's okay. We don't have to always strive to come up with the idea no one has had since that pretty much doesn't exist anyways. And you do put an interesting tale together with this one.


Other Notes:
Overall, there isn't much I can point out in this section of the review. This is where I give the nitpicky suggestions and point out specific areas to rewrite/edit. But overall you did a good job with this story. I only have one thing to really mention and it's definitely a nitpicky, follow if you see fit but you're okay probably if you don't type (and yes the -ly words in this section are a bit of a reference, lol).

Adverbs - You do okay for most of the story but there are a couple points where you can cut out a few of the adverbs and make the sentences stronger. The ending paragraph is a good example. There are 3 -ly words in that paragraph and two uses of "quite" which can be a weak word at times too. Handling those types of issues, adverbs and other weaker words will just be the last little touch to make this a very strong story.

Overall good job and I'm pretty sure if I had gotten my story done, you'd be the winner of the contest. *Wink*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Winter Sonnet  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is simple and to the point. It's nice in a way that it tells what the poem is about while at the same time informing the reader of the form all within two words.



Overall Comments:
Content wise, I really liked what you have in this little poem. Not keen on some of the delivery, which I'll discuss further down, but I like the overall words and topic, even the question at the end, which works well in the piece.



Form:
Have to admit, I tend to stay away from sonnet forms and such almost as much as I wish I stayed away from ones with syllable counts when writing so I wasn't as familiar with the form as I should be considering my years of poem writing. Looks like you did well following the form, from what I can tell. Maybe having the form at the bottom of the poem, and prompt if there is one, would be a good idea for readers who are unfamiliar with the form so they would know what it involves. I am still working on doing this with my own poems but it can be a nice touch and most contests don't count that part in the line or word count, and having it at the end, after the reader has read the item is a good spot for such.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
Looks good from what I can tell. The rhythm is okay, flowing throughout the poem with only slight stumbles on parts I mention in the suggestions part of this review. The rhyme scheme looks correct and makes sense.



Favorite Part:
Small child in winter likes to run and play.
She loves to feel the snowball's icy kiss.



Other Comments and Suggestions:
These are things I noticed and have suggestions for but are all based on my own opinion so you can take what will help you and leave the rest at your own convenience.

Black Bear in Winter, In his cave so deep, - Capitalization in this part of the sentence seems unnecessary, especially since it isn't carried over to the other stanzas. It might have been the prompt and thus you wanted to emphasize it, but since that is not mentioned anywhere, it's not something I can tell as the reader who knows nothing about the contest. With something like capitalization in the middle of a sentence you want to make sure the reason for it makes sense and that you are consistent or else it just looks like a mistake.

She loves to feel the snowball's icy kiss. - This is okay but I kind of wondered about the word choice when it came to the snow. I don't think of snowballs as having an icy kiss because it makes me think of snow packed into a ball and thrown at someone. I would think you were going more for snowflake and maybe that would be a better word for this line.

This is a personal opinion, but in general I'm one of those that are against the use of colored fonts for the most part when it comes to stories, poems or even reviews. There are times and places where I don't mind it but most of those are in things like contest and forum pages and not actual writing. On the rare occasion a poem using one color, or a couple words colored for a specific reason in a writing makes sense. But I especially am not for random coloring like I've seen in some reviews and stories where paragraphs are all different colors but there is no apparent reason for the color choice. I know that the color font is a bit more "fun" but I have a couple reasons for the ant-color viewpoint.

1. For the readers - some fonts and colors are harder for the reader, especially online. Some of the bright colors (yellow is a big no but some of the pinks, oranges and such can be hard too) will be difficult for some readers and depends on their eyesight, computer, browser, etc. Always have to keep the reader in mind to small degree at least, even if we write more for ourselves because on here others do sometimes read them.

2. Professional aspect - For the most part, publishers expect stories and poems to be submitted in a simple black text on white format, so I always tend to keep that in mind.

While fun, I just don't see the reason for the color use in this particular poem. Like pink for the bear one? I don't see a reason. Brown maybe though the bear you talk about is the black bear. Only pink ones I know of are well... care bears. The purple is the only one that sort of relates to the topic in the stanza but even that is iffy. Granted as I said before, this is all my personal opinion. I know some love to do different color fonts for no noticeable reason, but I'm not one of them.


Long winded review, but I will add, overall you did a good job with the poem. The color was distracting but in general, you have a nugget of something good with this poem and think with some minor polishes it could be considered for some publishers who do poetry. Good luck with the contest and keep writing.

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Review of NaPoWriMo 2016  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hello A*Monaing*Faith

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Not sure what the title is for the Round 6 poem that I'm reviewing out of the ones in the item. But it was nice to know the form.



Comments:
Woah. Wasn't expecting the picture but having figured out what you meant by the poem about midway in reading it. Wow... wonder if that cover qualifies as 13+... lol. Yeah, anyways. The poem was different. I know that you're trying for bad so that makes this review different too. So in an odd move, since I know nothing about Harry Potter, I'm going to comment on one point in particular. Didn't he star in the Horse thing when they were still making the Potter movies? I remember that whole, actor has nude scene thing brought up years ago. Just made me wonder about that part of it.

But I don't know if this qualifies as very bad, though I would definitely say it isn't a great poem either. It's a bit awkward for sure.



Form:
The poem followed the stanza rhyming form posted in the description about the one for round 6. The rhyme scheme worked with the couplets and the stanza line count works with the minimal requirements.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhyme followed what was required and works for the most part. The rhythm of the poem is also fine though there is a stanza where I have question of sentence structure. Even with that one, the rhythm of the poem is fine.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple of comments and things that came up when I was reading. My own opinions of course, just a few things to consider if you decide playing with it.

The second stanza, I wonder about the punctuation. It seems like that should be more than one sentence. The rhythm of the words still worked out but still I questioned the sentence form. In fact, some of the other paragraphs have a similar potential issues. I am not the most knowledged of when to use ";" versus putting it as more than one sentence.

No other comments really cause it's an attempt to write something awful. Since this is supposed to be bad I'm going to give it 1 star. Hope you enjoy that. *Smile*



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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


*Bullet*Title:*Bullet*
An interesting title. It's almost like the first line of the poem but not exactly the same. Most of the time I'm on the fence about first lines as the title but it would kind of work in this case. So it made me wonder why you did "the shoulder" instead of "your shoulder" or well, I have another suggestion I'll post in the next part.

The description is funny though doesn't say much about the poem. But it could still work to draw someone in cause they are going to wonder what strange topic you chose for your rare attempt at poetry.


*Burstbl*Overall Impression:*Burstbl*
Pinnocchio! Yeah, that was pretty obvious but kind of fun aspect about this poem. Though I couldn't help but think don't crickets stop making noise when someone is standing too close to them? Not sure, but the realistic detail isn't really important in the situation given.

Though I wonder how it would sound using first person instead of second. "Cricket on my shoulder" etc. Something to play with maybe just for fun. Though the second person does work, for poems at least. I don't recommend it for most stories but very short poems like this are different in that respect.

It's fun to do a random poem at times, isn't it? I do this on occasion too. I don't write poetry much anymore at all, but I do a random one every now and then for fun. This one was fun, and I hope you enjoyed writing it at the very least.


*Clip*Form:*Clip*
I'm guessing there is a form used based on the type of rhyme scheme but I don't know which form it is. If you did use a form maybe post the type of form at the bottom of the item so people know which one you used for it. Also makes me wonder if there is a syllable count and I don't know if any suggestions will ruin that, so knowing the form would help here. So, form or not, take that into consideration when considering my comments and recommendations.


*Speaker*Rhythm/Rhyme:*Speaker*
The rhyme works, I think, assuming it followed whatever form might have been used. At first I wasn't sure since most of the rhyme scheme follows aa, but the b ones throw that off a bit. However, seeing it followed throughout the short poem makes it still work. Rhythm isn't too bad either, though some areas I do stumble over but those are pointed out later on in the suggestions section of this review.


*Starbl*Favorite Part:*Starbl*
Since your head is of wood.
And decide if you're for real.

I like this part even though I have suggestions to slightly change both lines, but it's the definitive part of the poem and key to its success I think.


*Tools*Line-by-line and Suggestions:*Tools2*
Here are just some minor suggestions of things I noticed when reading and are all just based on my own personal opinion. And most are based on not knowing if there is a required syllable count or not, so might change the outcome if there is one.

"To school and not the play." - "the" throws me off in this. Is he saying to go to school and not to go see a play? That's kind of what I get from the line but I wonder if you mean, he shouldn't play. Might want to change "the" to something else like "to" if that is the intention.

Since your head is of wood. - This line I feel is lacking a word. I want there to be "made" in between "is" and "of" in order to complete the sentence.

And decide if you're for real. - In this one, I would suggest deleting "for" and making "you're" into "you are" since if it's Pinnocchio related then it would be whether he is a real boy or not. And even if it's not related to that, to me it would sound a bit more solid this way, but it's just my suggestion.


A quirky, kinda fun poem. I enjoy the strange when it comes to poetry and this one worked for me. Keep writing!


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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and also with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. Thank you for sharing your writing.


*Bullet*Title:*Bullet*
The title works for this particular poem/story. It interested me but then again I might be a bit biased by anything that mentions elves. While it's great that the item won and having the contest mentioned in the item description, I would recommend adding more about what the item is about because not all will be biased and might need more than just the title to draw them into reading it.


*Starbl*Comments:*Starbl*
First off, congrats on placing with this in the Writer's Cramp round. Well done.

This is more story than poem though told in poem form in a way that almost hides the rhyme scheme, which isn't easy to do. Though I almost think the rhyming isn't needed because then when I look at it to check the rhyme things fall a little. I'll get to that later. I do like the story idea behind it and overall found this an amusing piece of writing.

The prompt was one that didn't interest me, I must admit, when I saw it in the contest. However, I like the approach you took with it and kicked myself a little that I didn't consider a fictionalized version of the "celebrity sighting". You took a creative and interesting approach with the body in the trunk and even made it a bit of the season using I'm guessing one of santa's elves for it doesn't seem like the other kind of elf.


*Headphones*Rhythm/Rhyme:*Turntable*
Some of the rhymes make sense and almost go unnoticed. However, when I examined the rhymes in particular because I do that when reviewing rhyming poems, I found a number of ones that are close but don't quite work. The first stanza is fine but some of the other ones are a bit rocky in rhyme scheme. Because most of the poem rhymes I'm going off the assumption that you were trying to rhyme. If not then I'd change some of the ends so it didn't make it seem like a rhyme poem. If you are then this stands. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

...my toy car.
...shining stars.
See it's close but the s throws it off a bit.

...is really sick."
...in a fix."
While the x has a sound close to the ck, there is a bit of a difference that makes this part noticeable. And the rest of the stanza doesn't even always follow the rhyme scheme that most of the rest of the poem does. Lines 3 and 4 don't even rhyme. Nor do really 5 and 6, though they are closer than 3 and 4 were in rhyming potential.

These are just two examples but there are a few others. Something to consider if you rework this fun little piece.



*Thumbsup*Favorite Part:*Thumbsup*

I will never forget that day; I was just a cocky elf.
This white beard was not there, dashing was my pretty self.
Toy factory was my workplace, North was my home.
These ropes were not there then, I used to freely roam.
Merry was my name and nature, an elf distinguished.

-- Great set up for the rest of the poem/story.

*Tools*Line-by-line and Suggestions:*Tools2*
These are some things I noticed upon reading and suggestions I have. Hope they help.

*Bulletr*Content rating: This is a minor one but I'd either change the rating a little from "E" to ASR at least or possibly 13+ or the other solution would be to cut out the word "s***ty". It's just not something I think from what I've read on here that qualifies as E.

Fairy Senorita, the biggest actress, was standing right there; - Okay, this is just because of the santa elf thing but when he says "biggest actress" I thought she was big size wise, like a giant. lol

I do not what to do, my magic has failed and I’m now in a fix.” - I think the sentence is just missing a word. I would imagine it is supposed to say "I do not [know] what to do,..." instead.

The toy factory is just a dream of past, a pleasure left behind. - My mind keeps wanting to add one more word to this line though it's a simple one, some reason in a rare case, my mind thinks it should be "dream of [the] past" though without isn't bad really.


Overall, good job with creating this item for the Writer's Cramp. It was a fun read. Good luck with the Giselle's challenge and keep on writing.


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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering this little story in my What If...? contest fantasy experimental round that asked you to come up with your own what if question. This review is connected with the contest but also in connection to "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+] and is An "Invalid Item"  Review .


*Burstbl*First Impression*Burstbl*
An interesting story that has an occult premise stemming from an interesting what if question. A little hard to read personally but just due to a technical aspect and I think the story could have used more words to show the tale more, but overall I did like the idea behind what I read here.


*Castleleft*Prompt*Castleright*
Yep. This story works for the castle prompt, involves an interesting what if question to instigate the premise of the story, and counts as fantasy. I liked that you went with the occult on this story as it gave me some variety when it came to reading all the fantasy stories. It's great to see how diverse the genre can be in general.


*People*Characters/Story*Gears*
While there are characters, there isn't really one that is the guy to root for in this case. It's not so much a character's story but a story about the situation and the "bad" decision that goes on in the tale. That's okay in this case because it's a plot driven story with more of a... they had it coming approach when it comes to the characters.

A story that has potential and could work as the start, the bare bones of a story but needs to be developed. A rewrite with some plot consideration along with a focus on how to show the reader parts of the story, the action and the characters/creatures, will help this piece.

*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*

Format - This is a very just my opinion approach. For me, it's harder to read a story that doesn't put a space between each paragraph, since this is all done reading on a computer. And the Tab before each paragraph doesn't help in particular when almost all of the paragraphs are really short. It's less helpful because it doesn't separate as well as it would with longer paragraphs. I'd recommend not only adding a space between paragraphs at least for the online version but also to add more to the story, to make some of the paragraphs longer and have more variety in paragraph length.

The Chant - The part where they chant, you have it as short sentences, different paragraphs for each sentence with quotation marks used. That is okay but since there is more than one speaker for it, I don't think it needs to be that way unless you had some action of something going on to break up the paragraphs. I'd either put it all as one paragraph (not really recommended) or don't use quotations and center that part. I think that the reader can understand the words are being spoken when it's called a chant, and will need a space before and after the chant in this approach even if you don't do space anywhere else because it's different than the normal dialogue and text.

Word Count - While the contest allows up to 3,000 words, this story is less than 800 words and it could have used more to really show what is going on. Because it's so sparse we get a set of names but we can't really see anyone as the reader. Sure, you don't have to describe every one or everything in the story, but if you pick certain ones to add detail to then I think it would help. Fantasy is hard to do in flash fiction and you had room in this contest, consider trying to do more next time maybe. It's a challenge to know what a story needs, which is where rewrites help.


Good work at creating your own what if scenerio and entering the contest. Please keep the story viewable until after the winners have been announced, at least. Keep writing!

Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


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Image #1865879 over display limit. -?-

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