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Review Requests: ON
1,125 Public Reviews Given
1,366 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering my little, experimental fantasy round of the What If...? contest. I hope you enjoyed the challenge of creating a what if question to go along with a story with the image prompts. This review is connected with the contest as the judge, the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and An "Invalid Item"  Review .


*Burstbl*First Impression:*Burstbl*
Good effort at a fantasy story using the character Persephone. I don't know whether it's good or bad that I'm not very familiar with the mythology behind this. I'm aware of Persephone and Hades but I don't know the details exactly, so in some ways I can see it as its own story away from such, but in other ways there are parts I don't understand because I don't know if it's something you're creating or if it came from part of the mythology.

*Castleleft*Prompt:*Castleright*
Works for the contest. Mythology type of fantasy with an interesting approach taken. However, you didn't post in your story which prompt you used. I can tell by the description in the story but next time make sure to double check what must be in the static item. And I'd actually recommend putting the word count and the what if question at the bottom of the story instead of at the top. Having the what if at the top influences the readers understanding of the story, whereas if I hadn't read that right away I could have wondered more about what decision she would make before it happens.


*People*Characters/Story:*Female**Male*
Persephone - Makes for an interesting character in a way, even though my knowledge of mythology in general is lacking. I liked some of what we get to see in your attempt at making the character your own, but I would have liked to see even more early on. And it was ruined a little for me because I knew her decision before she made it since the what if question held the decision and was posted first. I wish I had more of a visual for what Persephone looks like in this story. I just can't quite picture her in this short story.

Question: Is she talking to herself in the story? Cause the dialogue is shown as regular dialogue but I don't know who she is talking to in it? Is there someone/thing she's talking to, or is it just her talking out loud and answering to herself? I couldn't tell and it confused me a little.

The story has potential but I also think there is room to grow and develop the story further than the current draft. There is room to expand, grow and show a little more. Maybe there is a way to show more why she makes the decision she does. I felt too distant in the story to really care about the decision and needed something to pull me a little more.


*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*
These are other minor notes to consider if you are going to edit or rewrite, some things I noticed the few times I read the story.

Spacing - A minor technical and I'm not saying this is wrong. I just find it interesting to see a story done with the double space between sentences. I remember when I first started learning to use the computer in elementary school that we had to do a double space after periods and question marks. But somewhere along the way there was a switch to single space. So, not often nowadays that I see a story where someone does the double space approach.

The Ruby Shoes - I didn't get this part and in the beginning, since I'm not familiar with what is going on, I found the mention of the shoes a little distracting. Is it to explain what she is not like? Cause I'm sorry but I see ruby red shoes and immediately think of Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. That and I just had a judge use Oz for a prompt so that probably doesn't help the situation. Why does she have ruby red shoes? What makes them unlike her? At the start of the story I don't know enough about Persephone to really know so it doesn't tell me anything but instead makes me stop reading to wonder what the point is with the shoes.

HIM - I would recommend not having the reference in all caps. I know some will disagree but I find it distracting. I don't mine, in this rare case, to have it as Him since it's referring to a deity basically, but I don't think all uppercaps is necessary for such.

Last paragraphs - This is very minor. Just is missing the space between the paragraphs at the end. Since you did the space for the rest of the story would be a good idea to keep it uniform and have the space there too.


You write well and have potential for some great stories. I hope you continue to develop the craft and keep writing. Please keep the story viewable until after winners have been announced.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


Image for contest made by Neko

image made by me for group affiliation
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Review of The Wherewithal  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering this story in my What If...? contest and for trying out my experimental fantasy round where you had to create your own what if question. This review is part as the judge of the contest and part in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and I hope it helps as you continue to write. An "Invalid Item"  Review


*Burstbl*First Impression:*Burstbl*
I liked this story. I might be a little biased though since you used a mage character *points to username*, hehe. Great choice for a fantasy story and the idea in general, the battle through one's own psyche made an interesting tale. And this is a story that I enjoyed to read, I'm glad you entered this one in my humble little contest.


*Castleleft*Prompt:*Castleright*
*Star* Yep, this works. Uses the image prompt and came up with a story specific what if question that could have produced the story in question. Definitely counts as magic too with the world and character. Hard to have a mage and have it not be fantasy. Nice job with the prompt.


*People*Characters/Story:*Male**Female*
There is only the one character, well unless you count the instructor mentioned since there is like a moment to her, but almost all of the story is about the one character and her walk in the wherewithal (great title and world/min creation by the way). She works for a character, strong but with enough struggle to make for tension to exist, enough of a question to get nervous while reading.

Story wise, I think you did a good job with not only the plot but the pacing of this little story. Especially since the world is limited within her psyche, but you managed to create the imagery well, especially when she ... looks down! It's like walking on a rope bridge, you are never supposed to look down but you always look down.


*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*
Since this story was well written, in this section I get to be nit-picky. Mhuahahaha! Just kidding. *Wink* But these are all minor things and just my suggestions of ways to polish the story.

First paragraph - This is good for the most part the lines because they are just 2 sentences come off a little long and makes for a slightly slow start. It's tough to pick the exact right words for the first line, first paragraph to draw the reader in. This is a spot you could fiddle around with in edit if you choose to do such.

Miserably she took another step forward, and then another. - This is okay as you do a good job at limiting adverbs, more so than many stories I read on WDC. However, I think in this case, the adverb chosen still weakens the sentence, especially considering the importance of her taking steps forward. This tells us she is miserable but maybe there is a way to show a bit more, or to at least use something a little stronger than the adverb form of miserable.

She shook, remember Gathri’s teaching. - This made me stumble having the inner monologue connected to the action like dialogue would have. Maybe if the sentence part was longer, more than just she shook. This might be a good spot for a little more visual of the main character or the type of trembles she is experiencing.

And to take another step along the narrow bridge. - This is one of those single sentence lines and I can tell the reason but I'm not as fond of the single short line sentence when it begins with the word "And". That feels like it needs to be connected to something even if using the word as the first one of a sentence (which in general "and" shouldn't be used as the first sentence often).

The Wherewithal had thrown so many horrors at her in that time. - Right here feels a bit in a different voice for me. The "so many" is a little generic to but also for some reason didn't feel like a good fit with the main character's voice, at least not in my head.

She herself had walked the Wherewithal so many years ago, but of course it was different for every mage. - Another spot with a "so many" so again a tad generic but also the two parts to the sentence make me feel like I missed something. But it's a good spot to point out that the challenge isn't the same every time since we don't know yet quite where we are but it gives a little hint.

In the end, all she could do was pour bittersweet catalepsy into their cups and wait. - This is how nit-picky I am being cause I like the story this much. You accidentally have 2 spaces between "bittersweet" and "catalepsy" when there should only be one. Also, what is catalepsy? I tried to look in my dictionary but it just says "a medical condition characterized by a trance or seizure with a loss of sensation and consciousness accompanied by rigidity of the body." Not sure that can be put into a cup. Or is it a metaphorical cup?

Throwing out her arms to steady herself, Tulei teetered on the lip of the path and looked over the edge. - Okay but could be developed more. You had enough word count available to show even more in this section. Great idea to have her almost fall after making a resolution that she could do the challenge. But I'd say expand the look over the edge part into its own sentence at least, if not put more into the paragraph beyond the steadying herself and looking down.

She sucked in breath; the river was there, surging hundreds of feet below. - "sucked in breath" sounded odd in my head. Well, I guess breathing is sucking in air but what's the air like in the Wherewithal? this could be examined and maybe there is a better word that breath. Maybe another sense can be added to paint more of a picture. Some recommend to try and use all 5 senses if possible, so might be something to try.

Over the Edge - In fact, the short paragraphs could all be expanded and a couple more added to describe what she sees when she does the forbidden "look down" considering the emphasis on avoiding such earlier in the round. Unless trying to submit this to a market that requires under 1k words, I think you have a little more to describe and have some more actions in this section of the story. Expand a little and see what she might see/do.

She opened her eyes.
And took another step. - This is okay but something about having the short line start with "And" bugged me a smidgen. I would have brought down the "She opened her eyes" from the paragraph above and combined them. That way the last paragraph leaves off with the italicized thoughts and we get the end line as her new resolve and taking the next step.


Overall, a great story. Hope I wasn't too hard on it but I think this has potential beyond just an entry in my contest. Please keep the item posted and viewable on WDC until I have at least announced the winners. I will greatly appreciate that. Oh, and keep writing!


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!



Image for contest made by Neko

image made by me for group affiliation
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Review of The Bridge  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this story in the fantasy round of the Weekly Quickie. Congrats on the Honorable Mention. *Wink*


First Impression:
Nicely done. It sounded like an actual fantasy world but also with the end like a prefect combination of fantasy world and two people doing an rpg. What I really liked, and partly why this story placed, is how you managed to make the story sound erotic without the characters actually doing any of the expected actions one might require in erotica. In fact, you managed to make their fight (a physical, swords and staff fight) erotic. Well done!


Prompt:
*Check* Absolutely a fantasy story and gives enough of a hint to show the epic world without going too much into the bogged down epic details, since it was a quickie still.


Characters/Story:
I had to laugh at the character names. I almost wouldn't have noticed with the first one, Areollas the Amazon because it almost seemed like a plausible amazon name but when you added the male, Maximus Erectus, that ended it there. Oh dear goodness, what did you create? lol But somehow, you made them work instead of going too far into the overly silly. And the two have a good dynamic going throughout the whole story. They really do counterbalance each other.

The story made sense. Guarding the bridge, the fight, and the end worked together in a surprising way. Though it could also work without the scrabble if it was kept in the fantasy world as well.

Other Notes:
I did find it a little odd, cause I notice things like this, that both weapons used were phallic. At first I wondered about that, but reading the story I could see the obvious reasons why. She handle the wood, he thrust his sword and such. Though it did make me wonder why so many weapons have a phallic sense to them. hmmm Something strange to thing about. lol

Also, this may be one of the few times where it's okay for the story to not be rated GC in an erotica entry. While sometimes a sensual approach keeps it from such rating as well, the way you used the sword play and the not going overboard with language makes it work okay, but it was close.

While the end is fun with the dialogue between the two characters, it did leave just a little to be desired, like I would have liked to have been shown more of the fight or something and that might have made it place a little higher. But overall you did a great job.



Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep Writing!


an image made for the contests I host and take part in that are adult orientated
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Review of The Tictoc Man  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Plume

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing this story as a student of "Invalid Item"  These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
I liked the title for that is what convinced me to pick this story over others when I was looking for something to review.


Initial Reaction:
Overall, an interesting idea. This is a good start and with some work could really develop into a great story. While there are different things that could be fixed or developed, I think there is something good in this story and you should consider developing it further. If you do work on it and would like a re-rate/re-review, just let me know.


Character Development:
The characters in part are what really make this story, in particular the character that is talked about. The Tictoc Man is the driving character even though he isn't the viewpoint one. I wanted to see more of the character. I don't get much of a sense of the person working on their paper because they become kind of a stand in the background so the reader can get to know what they are finding out.

I had to read it a couple times, since it's in first person, however to figure out who was the main character as I noticed the second time that the dr might be the I in one of the paragraphs. The problem with first person is that if you're going to change who is the main character it helps to have something more than an extra space to indicate that. Maybe this story would work better in third person. Or keep to the one character, unless this gets expanded. When a story is this short, it's best to limit the viewpoint to one character, especially in first person pov.



Plot:
A good start of a plot. The characters are trying to figure out this case of someone who might be able to see time. The ending carries a lot of weight, and if expanded could become a strong story. It definitely has that "different" factor that places look for and such potential for more. I do hope you work on this one and expand it to show more because you do have something here.


Other Notes and Suggestions:

Format - While this is just a personal preference, I would recommend putting a space between every paragraph. I know not everyone does this on WDC but it's something that makes the writing easier to read on the eyes since we are reading on computers. You can either hit return an extra time after each paragraph or click the little box on the edit page for double spacing and that will help. Also, since you have different sections, I would suggest more than one space to separate each section to indicate the change, maybe 3-4 or more. Maybe even a couple asterisks or something to indicate there is a difference because even with most the paragraphs not being separated the change of tense is a little jarring with only one line break between each section.

Tense - I got a little confused with the switch from past tense to present tense. I think is has more to do with the spacing because it was harder to register them as different sections. The back and forth also gives it a little too much of a jumpy feeling since each section is very short so we don't get settled in either tense before it gets changed again. I think the switching could work with a little teaking to the format.

Adverbs - There are a few too many words ending in -ly in this very short story. While it's not a very bad thing, they weaken your writing when there are that many. For something under 1,000 words I'd recommend only one or two as a general rule because most in publishing agree that less is more when it comes to adverbs. At least, try not to have several in a paragraph if possible. Rewriting them to something stronger will help your story.
For example, consider: After nervously extinguishing his cigarette with the heel of his shoe, he immediately lights another one. Suddenly he stops, grasps my arm, and says: “Do you agree that most creatures can see only the three dimensions of space?”
What if it read more like: Seconds after extinguishing his cigarette with the heel of his shoe, he lit another. The black lighter trembled forcing him to pause to get the orange flame to do its job. Done, he stops, grabbing my arm hard enough for his fingers dig into my flesh, and says:" - This is just a suggesting of course, you can rewrite however you want, but consider how it could look without the adverbs and instead of telling the reader he is nervous, using something to show it.


Nice Work and Keep Writing.

image made by me for group affiliation
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering the camping round of the weekly quickie. My apologies for the delay in the review.

First Impression:
Nicely done. The writing is good and the story unique. I liked the approach to the prompt that you took with this story and appreciated the entry. The font looked different on my computer, I wasn't sure which was used but that didn't bother the reading of it or anything like that. Overall, good job.


Prompt:
*Check* Involves a very creative form of camping and in the end there is mention of a tent so that qualifies for the round's prompt. Nice work on the creative approach to the camping topic. You got a couple bonus points for creativity with this story.


Characters/Story:
Both of the characters are interesting, at least the little bit we get to see in this quickie. I do like that the effort he put into the camping scene, the little details really showed something about him, her and their relationship.

POV - The one issues with characters I really have is there isn't really a main point of view character because it jumps back and forth between the two. The point of view doesn't go in depth with either character either, giving it a more distant feeling and a tad less intimate that a focused POV would have held. If you focused on just one character, either the male or the female, it would have strengthened this one just a bit because it feels a bit head hoppy just past the middle where we go from him to her to him and such. Plus not jumping would give you word count to focus and show more on what is going on, what the one character is experiencing and such.


Other Notes:
These are a couple minor things I noticed. Overall, great job with this story.

Passive Voice - I'm not very good at this so I can't pinpoint many places but I would recommend combing through the story and checking for passive voice just in case (if you want to edit or continue the story). Some of it dragged a tad and I think it had to do with the sentence wording. It could be strengthened a little between that and maybe a more focused viewpoint.

Other than that, the mechanics are mostly solid in this piece.

And since I posted the winners already in the contest forum, congratulations on your first place. Would you like the gps or the merit badge? Just let me know. *Smile*



Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie.


an image made for the contests I host and take part in that are adult orientated
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Review of Death and Amelia  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering the Family Guy Inspired round of What If.

First Impression:
An different approach to the prompt given. Death developed an interesting character that wasn't quite like I've seen before, which is always good since sometimes it's not easy to avoid the more expected personification. It was a good read and I enjoyed the story in general.


Prompt:
*Check* This does follow the prompt. It took me a bit to get through the part where he wasn't taking someone who had died, but nothing wrong with that. I do like the approach you took with this prompt and overall you came up with an intriguing story.


Characters/Story:
The main character, death, wasn't quite what I expected him to be but in a good way. He had an interesting personality that stood out in this piece. Sure, the overworked, frustrated at his job thing has been done before but you found a way to create death into your own character. Good work with that because truthfully it's not an easy task even though a few chose the prompt. I liked your approach to the main character and even the small glimpses I got of the secondary ones.

The story has potential. I will admit, the beginning part was a little bit info-dumpy. While the information was somewhat entertaining, I got into the story more at the end when we finally get to see him interact with the living human. While some of the stuff in the beginning and middle is interesting and displays a lot about the main character, there are parts of it that feel like a bit too much information and makes it a little hard to keep reading. Want to work a little on not only getting out the information you want the reader to know but also enough to grab them and keep them reading. It's a hard task to find the right balance for any story. With a little tweaking, I think you will be able to get past the slight hitch in the story and smooth everything out while keeping the base of the story that you created. If you ever go back to edit this story, good luck with that development because it could really give you something interesting in the end if you go with that approach.


Other Notes:
Overall, this story is well written. There weren't any glaring errors that took away from the read and it's obvious you put effort into this story. Good work.

Beginning - One thing I would maybe suggest is a rewrite of the first paragraph. It's not a bad paragraph but the first line doesn't really grab onto the reader. The first line "Death sighed." Only has interest really because it tells the reader right away that death is the main character, so it has that positive note but there might be a stronger first sentence out there that would serve the story more. Something to consider.

Technical wise - I prefer there to be a space between each paragraph but that seems to be a personal quirk. It's not necessary per say but something to consider. I know a few others who also agree that it's just a little easier to read online when there is a little bit of white space between the paragraphs. But at least you had the tab at the beginning to help keep it from being a block of text, that is greatly appreciated.

Ending - The ending is kinda interesting. At one point I kind of wondered why Death's next line would be about Hemingway, but at the same time with his "voice" it works too. So, in the end, I kind of like it. There is the potential for more but it also has enough of a concrete feeling so that it can feel like an ending to the reader and they aren't being left out on anything.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


Image for contest made by Neko
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Review of The Apostate  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and I am reviewing your poem today for the New Year Auction. Hope you enjoyed the reviews.


Title:
Interesting title. I'm not 100 percent sure on how the poem is about the apostate, but it is an interesting word and I learned something new from it. And it's a form I didn't know either, so it caught my attention even without the description to help, though it does help some too.



Comments:
I like this poem. The last line is a bit strange since it has to combine the words that are used at the ends of the lines for each stanza but overall, it's a good poem.



Form:
I had never seen this form before but I think I like it. There is a challenge to it to keep the poem sounding umm poetic, without coming across as forced from having to use the specific words at a specific point. It is an interesting form that I will have to try at some point in the future. Thanks for sharing a good example of it. Judging by what you have down about the form, I would say that you followed it correctly. Good work.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
Kind of a rhyme but more of a using the same word at the end of the lines based upon the form requirements. The flow of the lines and stanzas is nice. Makes the poem easy enough to read but not overly easy as in too simple.



Imagery:
Waves and sirens both provide a visual for me. The dark clouds and the liquid promise, all good choices in visuals



Favorite Part:
The waves caress the shore, offering an answer
as the wind whispers in a voice like sigh.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
No advice for this poem either. I like what you have going and even though the last line was a little strange, it probably was a good challenge to get the three words needed in the one sentence for it to work in the poem. Good work.

Keep Writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of Season's Blessing  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and I am reviewing your poem today for the New Year Auction.


Title:
A nice poem that is seasonal but also beyond, so the title works for such. Kind of interesting to use part of the poem in the little description but I'm not sure that the description gives me a reason to read the poem. I do like the monotetra so checked the poem out more for that than the line description.



Comments:
Normally, I've gotten to where I'm not the biggest fan of rhyming in poetry and repetition usually bugs me. But forget all that in this poem's case. I liked the repetition in the last lines of each stanza, a lot. And the rhyme didn't bother me. Sometimes it just works for a poem and since the form calls for it, good thing it works in this one.



Form:
The monotetra isn't too difficult of a form to follow and based on what you said about the form in the bottom of this static item, you did well. I think you followed the form how you should and pulled from it an encouraging piece. Nice to have a form with some requirements but also some room to wiggle. Well done with this form.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhyme scheme is pretty strong and it is consistent. You have a handle on keeping to a scheme when a poem requires it. The rhythm of the lines are pretty good as well. At the end, the part that became the little description, I wasn't sure if it was a complete sentence or not at first. Sometimes when I read it, I get it right and sometimes something goes off in rhythm in my head.



Favorite Part:
Let us each overcome the pride
that removes us, bridge the divide
and claim the love we’ve set aside.
We cannot hide. We cannot hide.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
There isn't anything I can really point out and suggest to be changed. I like this poem even if it doesn't feel "perfect". I like the message in the words and hope others come to appreciate this poem as well.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of Bygones  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and I am reviewing your poem today for the New Year Auction.


Title:
This has a good, one word title that embodies the theme of the entire poem. I like it and the description as well. Nice to have the form in the little description below the title. I wanted to look at this poem in part because of the form chosen. I like form poetry and have attempted a cyhydedd hir before. Nice choice in form to use for this type of poem.



Form:
Cyhidedd Hir is a very interesting poetic form. I am glad that you have an explanation of it in the item because it has been a long time since I'd attempted the form. It's good to have something to refer to when checking out a certain form. I need to remember to follow your example when doing form poetry. *Wink*



Rhythm/Rhyme:
As far as I can tell, this follows the forms requirements though I didn't count every single syllable of every line. The one issue with a specific rhyme scheme like this one is that sometimes the lines end up either sounded forced or unfinished. An example would be the second stanza. I feel like there should be something after appraise to complete the train of thought but there can't be because of the syllable count, line numbers per stanza and rhyme requirement. In the first stanza, the yen sounds a bit odd to me even though I get the point of it being there and everything, it almost seems like if it wasn't for the rhyme scheme there could have been a better word choice for the line of thought going on in the stanza. But overall I like the topic and that you stayed dedicated to the rhyme scheme of the form.

The overall flow of the poem isn't bad. The rhymed sometimes adds to the beat and a couple of them that I pointed out did pull me out of the poem a bit when I was reading it, but overall the flow is decent for this type of poem.

Favorite Parts:
Pictures from back then
make me recall when

&

I find it bruising
at my dream loosing.
Still, it’s amusing
how much time weighs!



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
First Stanza - Is okay, though yen is a little struggle for me. It sounds weird in my head though I get the purpose of it in the stanza.

Second Stanza - I would suggest looking this stanza over in particular and maybe do a rewrite if you see it fit and possible to keep it within the form requirements. The two sentences are off sounding to me. The first one is short though I like it better than the second of the stanza because the second one doesn't feel complete. Course, this is just to me, if you really like it then no worries.

Third Stanza - I'm not sure on the commas in this stanza. There seem to be quite a few and because of the line breaks, there might be one too many. Something to consider.

Fourth Stanza - My main suggestion for this one is actually just to remove the exclamation point. I'm more in the mind of not use exclamation points unless absolutely needed in any writing, but that may just be me. The sentence doesn't feel, to me, that it needs the emphasis of the exclamation.


Overall, good job working with the form. I liked the topic you chose and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of firefly  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Title:
This is a nice title and subject for a little poem.


Comments:
Overall, this is a good start at a poem. You show potential and will get better as you write and rewrite/edit. Some people don't like reworking poems, but all of us have room to improve.

If you are interesting in different poetry forms, you should check out this item:
BOOK
Poetry Forms  (13+)
Poetry Forms Easily Explained - a work of Bianca with additions by kansaspoet
#945530 by Bianca



Form:
I think you meant to say the form is "haiku" instead of "hiku". The poem has potential but the lines are a little off in syllable count. Traditionally, the haiku is a 5-7-5 form that focuses on nature (though many will write about anything really when writing this form). Your poem syllable scheme is close but the syllable count you have going in this one is 5-6-6.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
Not a rhyme based poem, which is refreshing. The overall flow of the poem is at a good starting place that has potential to improve. I think that with the current structure, I think it could flow better in free form instead of a haiku. But if you want to stick to the haiku, that is (of course) up to you.


Favorite Part:
The topic, firefly, is what I enjoyed about the poem. Also the last word, "sorry" which gives it an innocent ring to the very short poetic spirit.


Nice Work and Keep Writing.
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
Confused. The story is well written for the most part and her viewpoint is clear but when we get into his viewpoint it began to feel rushed. I'm not completely sure what is going on other than the fact that his plans and what she thinks will happen are not the same. It had unexpected twists that caught my attention and I was interested to know more.


Prompt:
Does follow the prompt of romance movies creating unrealistic expectations, in particular from the girl's viewpoint. I have seen the movie she references though I don't remember the details of it exactly. But I easily see the prompt and that's all I ask for in this part.


Characters/Story:
She is a character that stands out though her name was a slight distraction because I had to stop reading the story to wonder how to pronounce it in my head. She seems to think everythng is great, that she is doing things right and everything will work out for her. We needed her viewpoint. It was interesting how instead of showing him and her together we get one, then the other.

Thank you for doing something to separate the two viewpoints. Some will just jump between without even space and that makes it hard to read, but having the space and dashes helped me to easily switch from her pov to his. His part went by faster and I had to look back because I got confused at the dialogue. At the second read of that section I realized there was a passenger in the vehicle, which I didn't catch the first time. The only real problem with the rushed-ness of this part is he mentions things that the reader will want to know more about but instead of any form of explanation, he just moves on. Like is he an alien? I don't know. Maybe. He talks about being different but I don't know why. Or is it is just that he's gay. That would work too, but I don't know what is going on enough at the end to figure it out. So that makes the ending feel a little incomplete.


Other Notes:
While I am counting the entry this round, if you enter another round please try to get the story posted in the forum by the deadline. It was only a couple of hours late but I am a stickler and won't count a story that is even 2 minutes late especially since this contest is month long so there is time for people to enter compared to say my weekly contest I now co-own. I always do the deadline at 11:59 WDC time, so keep that in mind. I'm not disqualifying this round for late entries, but it does count slightly against your entry, but since you followed the prompt and did a decent job writing it doesn't hurt that bad too be honest. I am thankful to have your entry even with the tardiness.

Adverbs - They are okay to use but not very often. There is more than one instance where there are two adverbs in the same paragraph and that might be a little too much. This is particular of the part where we are in his pov. Some readers can handle adverbs more than others and while published work does have some, it might help develop your writing more to work on limiting the number of adverbs you use per sentence/paragraph/section.

It's kind of interesting because the Scott part is longer than Blaise, but it feels like it goes faster, maybe because the paragraphs are shorter. Also there are more instances in it where things are mentioned then dismissed leaving questions that go unanswered. In her side we get in the short amount exactly what she thinks is going on and why.

""Only if you'll be my knight." came the cheeky reply." - This last line is okay but it might be stronger if the "cheeky reply part was first so the very last thing read was the part about him being his knight.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
212
212
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
An emotional story that deals with a tough topic of abuse but in a strong way because unlike many (unfortunately) she leaves him. Is a bit passive which in part may be because we are being told about the relationship that was in the past instead of being shown it. But overall, decent writing to showcase something that isn't always easy to handle.


Prompt:
Course since you talked about it in chat, I knew that you weren't going for comedy and that's fine. I can see the influence of the prompt and that's all I really ask for because even though the prompt was to have the romance movie be what ruins the relationship this is close enough. It would have had more of a connection if something in a romance movie made her leave but that might have pushed it too much into being unrealistic sounding and deterred from the story.


Characters/Story:
The character in focus is the female as the abusive boyfriend is only talked about by the main character, though it is in third person. We don't get to know her name in this short piece. I would have liked to have more description to get to know the main character more, or at least have been given a name. I hate when even first person doesn't tell us the main character's first name because I feel the name is an important part of their identity. Also, when you work on showing more than telling in a story, I think you will be able to create an even stronger story.


Other Notes:
Nice work at getting a topic that some would struggle with and making it easy enough to read. While there is room to grown and develop (as there always should be) this is a good point to jump off from when working to learn more about writing.

One of the common things you will hear in writing advice is "show don't tell" but for a simple phrase it is definitely easier said than done. The trouble with trying to convey something that happened in the past while having the character move forward is that talking about it comes of as telling. There isn't much description, the voice gets more passive, and it lacks an emphasis that showing would give the story. Course the problem with showing more is that it tends to increase the word count, so that makes it harder to do in flash fiction or very short stories, but it will eventually make for better writing. It's something most of us have to develop as writers (I'm still working on it too).

You did have some really good points that some wouldn't have thought of, like the part about the little bit above her lip getting red. Stuff like that will make your story stand out and easier to visualize for the reader.

Passive and weak phrasing are the other thing to work on (as many of us need to work on them in writing). An example is near the beginning you have "was supposed to be" "was" is often a sign of passive voice. The sentence after has "seemed" and that is an example of a weak word (one I use too often in my writing and am working on fixing too). If edited, changing things like the passive parts and adding more visual/senses to the story to bring it more to life, you could have a really good piece.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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213
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
Great title. I don't know if you've seen the comedian that inspired the prompt that almost everyone chose to use, but her example is Twilight because she claims that Twilight ruined her for real men. She was funnier though because it was her who picked to watch Twilight then she said she would get in a fight with a guy after that and tell him "I need to date someone that can fly"... lol. But on the other hand, it is kind of interesting that you decided to have the male character pick Twilight of all movies.


Prompt:
Good to see a story that uses the prompt in some way or another. I wasn't quite sure if it was the guy who actually is ruined by the movie, but that would almost make sense.


Characters/Story:
The roles were almost switched in this story, which did make them very different than what someone might expect. It's also interesting how "bertha" rambles about how abusive the relationship is in the movie when she possibly is abusive herself. Though her name was almost too stereotypical. He was rather funny, though even I don't believe he wants to watch that movie for the forest. That would be like him saying he watches Brokeback Mountain for the mountains. Sure they are nice (filmed in Canada and all) but probably don't want to claim that is why you watch the movie. With the story, I really would have liked more. The story is pretty minimal, but that may have been the point, so it wasn't horrible except I would have liked more to read to see your writing skills more.


Other Notes:
I'd get rid of the word count in the title because it detracts from what you have going for it. Have the word count in the forum post or in the item either before or after the story.

I would recommend not using a colored font but that is really up to you in the end. I am rather against it with only a few exceptions. For a short story, the color doesn't really serve much of a purpose. In fact, it can distract from what you are trying to tell with the story.

Another thing I don't think you need is "the end" at the end. When there is no more story the reader pretty much assumes that is the end. In fact, I think you could have worked more with the end to make it stronger.

Personally, I would have liked to have a little space between paragraphs. Just one extra "enter/return" after each one would really help because the space makes it easier to read on the computer screen.

One thing to maybe work on in future stories is to limit the number of "saidisms" in one short story. Considering most of the story is dialogue and most of the time you have things like "answered", "squeaked", etc. Keep some of them but maybe cut a few out with either "said" or an action instead. That will help develop the technical side of the writing in the future as there are some who are against "saidisms" in stories.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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Review of Fire to Ashes  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Last review in coffee house package from ~WhoMe???~

Title:

Very nice title. The description makes me wonder if it was entered in a contest because I know that there was one or two involving darkness and light. Even if it wasn't, I like the description. It gives a tiny bit of insight but gives nothing away.

Initial Reaction:

Format wise, I don't often see the tab used with each paragraph. I see it sometimes but far more often I don't see it used at all, and not with the extra space between paragraphs. Not sure if it's my sister's computer since the page is so long but the lines look a bit weird to me. I'm betting it's how her browser page is set. The lines are so long there aren't many lines after the first one since some of the sentences are very short in this piece. So that makes it look odd to have tabs. Nothing wrong on your part, and I probably am rambling a bit when I could be saying something more productive.


A fun change after the last story I read. Went from basically no dialogue to lots of dialogue. I like dialogue. I like the first line in particular. It grabs the readers attention at once, is dynamic and when added thing next lines, even becomes amusing. I think it's my favorite part of the story.

I was a little curious as to why he was adding to the fire if he was waiting for it to die, since that is when "she" was going to appear. Just something I had to think about.

This line "where all spirits walked on top of something fluffy as if coated with moss," amuses me.


Setting:

Good use of setting in the backdrop of the story. It's not the focus but there is enough to give some sense of bearing.


Character Development:

Well done here. The character is the important part of this story and how he changes from the beginning (not wanting to waver) to the end (I'm not telling so anyone viewing this has to read the story to find out).


Plot:

Good plot that follows the character. Well done.


Ending:

I like the idea behind the ending but think it could use some work. The last two lines feel too much like you are telling the read when it could be shown. But keep the grenade pin as part of the last line. But don't tell what happened with it, show it. I would explain more but I'm still learning how to show instead of tell as well.

There are good aspects to the ending, great ones even. Just not all of the ending is as strong as it could be.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Biggest issue is the ending. Some parts could be worked on but not too many stood out in particular.

"Osman opened his eyes with a sweat when" - this felt a little awkward to me. I don't understand the opening eyes with a sweat. I can't figure out how that works, feels or looks like.


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Review of Autumn  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Another review from coffee house package gifted by ~WhoMe???~ .


Title:

Nice and simple title. It is straightforward and yet invokes many images, thoughts, sense with a simple word. And a good title for a haiku chain. Helps to have the form used in the little description.


Comments:

I like reviewing haiku and haiku chains because the form is easy to understand and tell if written at least somewhat correctly. This is true even though I'm not fond of writing them myself. I also really like haiku poems that use nature as a topic since in some studies, it says that the poems should be about nature.

This is a haiku chain that has nature in it. Yay!

Good poem. One thing you do well is to use a variety of words with different syllable lengths in each line to get the required syllable counts. It really adds to the feel and rhythm of the poem. Overall, there is a feeling of both connection and disconnection between each stanza, or sometimes between the lines within the stanza. For the most part, I like that feeling. The last stanza is a little iffy to me. it feels a little too weird and pulls me out of the reading a bit. I get distracted and confused when it comes to the "heart breaking in" part, and had to read it a couple of times to figure out what was going on. Not too bad, but something to look at if you ever go back to this poem.


Form:

Haiku form, 5-7-5, repeated in 4 stanzas. Well done. I checked each line and they have the correct syllable counts.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme here. The poem has a bit of a disjointed flow to it, which under normal circumstances that would be a bad thing, but for most of this poem it works (as mentioned above).


Imagery:

Some nice images in the poem. Mentions of colors, animals and other aspects found in nature add to the imagery of the poem.


Favorite Part:

scarlet leaves of bitterness
soon the harvest moon


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Don't have many suggestions. As mentioned before, if you ever do go back might consider working the last stanza a bit. But overall, good haiku chain.


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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Another review as part of the package from ~WhoMe???~ might get the rest done in the next couple of hours.

Title:

Good title and description. Both set up the poem well and draw in the attention of the reader. Sure, some may not like it based on the title but that's their problem. *Wink*


Comments:

It's an older poem, but one that caught my attention so decided to review it anyways.

First off, I like the song that influenced this poem. I believe it's one we performed often as a warm up in my high school choir, or at least part of it. So, I have fond memories aside from the normal patriotic aspect. Your use of the lines works well for an over all great poem.

It helps to have the dialogue marks around the different sections, separating it from the rest of the poem. Another option would be italics, but I think the quotation marks work best just for standard citation and what not since the segments come from someone else technically.

Form:

For line stanzas with an a/b/a/b type of rhyme scheme. The stanzas are uniform with a slight variance of line length with the last stanza in particular, but nothing that stands out too much in an awkward way. So, it works. The simplistic form works well with this piece as some complicated poetic form would possibly take away from the words of the poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Has good flow. The rhyme scheme is done pretty well minus the first stanza. While the words are well chosen for the most part, the first and third line of the stanza don't have the solid rhyme that the others have. The word "days" in my head has an ending that sounds close to a z sound while "grace" has a soft s. The "grace" works better in the third stanza since it's matched with a word that has a similar sounding end.


Imagery:

Some good images here both in the quoted sections and the non-quoted ones. The line that is posted as my favorite part is one good example. From the quoted parts in particular, "amber waves of grain" always catches my imagination. I can see golden grain waving in a breeze. Then again, I was raised in a town where part of the name is "wheat" (for real).


Favorite Part:

When hate is howling at heroes,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Might consider the rhyme thing I mentioned earlier within the first stanza. That's the only thing I'd really change in this poem.


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Review of When Mama Wrote  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review from package by ~WhoMe???~ . My section is a few weeks later than expected, apologies but hope to finish the reviews soon.

Title:

Nice title. It is simple, to the point and yet draws out a feelings of memory and reflection. The description is just two words but gives enough without letting the reader know too much before reading the poem.


Comments:

Very nice. I like the overall tone and the individual points. There are a few in particular that are so well written and imaginative, they really make the poem come alive. I enjoyed reading this. I get a real sense of character, Mama, out of the lines, which is something I don't often see in poetry. Well done.


Form:

I don't see a specific form here, or mentioned, so I'm going to guess it's a free write. Works well for this piece. I think it sounds better than forcing a rhyme scheme or some form. Letting the words go can often create wonderful things, like this poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme. At least, I didn't notice it. The rhythm/flow of the piece is good though there is a point or two I'll mention in the suggestions portion of this review.


Imagery:

Great job with imagery. That first set of lines, wow. I can see the shopping bags. You do a great job with small amounts of words to create different images in this poem, along with emotions.


Favorite Part:

Her words, plastic shopping bags in flight,
testing the wind,
in shrieks of joy,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Mama, on a serious roller-coaster ride," - This is okay, but I found the "Mama" part to be a bit jarring and disconnected from the rest of the stanza. It doesn't seem needed and might be a little better without the word. It would improve the flow a tiny bit.

"though the lines reel while she writes." - I stumbled over this line and had to read it a couple times to figure out quite what it meant. I almost thought it should the "through" but upon re-reading, I realized that wasn't the case. So, it's not bad just might consider it since it stalled me a bit.


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Review of Ally  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


My apologies for taking so long with the review and judging the contest. Check for winners to be announced soon.

Title:

Nice title. It is short and sweet.
The description is interesting enough and tells what the story is about.

Initial Reaction:

This is an interesting little story. A bit too much tell, but that can be worked on. I think you do a very good job at using fragment and/or super short and one word sentences in a correct fashion. The story starts off well but the first paragraphs kind of waiver in good lines and random telling that doesn't show the reader why they should care. Adding spaces in this could really help because right now the structure of the lines is actually a bit off-putting.

Consider the writing rule "show, don't tell" if you go back into this story. This is very much a tell story, to me, because the main character, in first person, just talks to the reader. We don't get to see much and that holds this story back. It could be a very good story, even in first person, with some development. I need more about the main character and to see more things happen. Some telling is okay, but there is just too much of it for me in this story.

Nice use of this particular prompt. It was a popular one and you took a unique approach.

Character Development:

It's done in first person. But I don't really get to know the main character. It's all about him talking about this other person, Ally. And, if I hadn't been told in the item description it was a man, I would have guessed the speaker to be female. I think it's the "sleepovers" that gives that impression. Oh and I think "sleepovers" is two words instead of one, maybe.


Plot:

Person struggling with the murder of someone he was close to while not knowing who did it.


Ending:

Has a bunch of questions, including one of the prompts. I'm not a big fan on that, personally. Though, this is one of the better methods of having questions in a story as we are at least given a main character and it makes sense in the personal dialogue that is the entire story. However, it's not as interesting of an ending as it could be. If we knew more about the main character, and about why we should care about his ramblings, it would be better.

However, the last line is great. That I would keep if the story was to be developed.


Suggestions for Improvement:

In the description, I believe it should be man's instead of mans, since there is ownership of the account.

The body of the text needs more space. Either check the small box in the edit item page where it says double space, or add an extra return between every single paragraph. This just makes it easier to read on the computer screen instead of having everything together as it is now.

"It’s funny, I didn’t even know she knew that many people." - the comma doesn't feel like the correct form of punctuation here. It's close but not quite right.

"It’s funny how one life can bring an entire town together." - a bit boring and repetitive since the "it's funny" is the start of a nearby sentence. Leave one as is and reword the other.

"The killer covered their tracks to well." - small typo here. Should be "too" instead of "to".

"Her death was sudden, random. In a way. To her killer it was anything but random." - This repeats what we've already been told earlier in the story.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
219
219
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


Apologies for the tardiness of the reviews. Past month has been crazy busy and such.

Title:

Love the title. It's great to have one that doesn't use the prompt or the question as a part of the title. And you have a fantastic title here. It's interesting and will grab a reader's attention.

Initial Reaction:

Personal: I'm not a big fan of military stories in general, though the prompt does make such a story make sense since it's about a war. Sci-fi sometimes confuses me, and the military type was always hard for me to follow. It's not my personal preference, but that won't hurt in the judging.

I feel like the more interesting parts of the story are cut out, told in a couple of sentences or paragraphs. The elements are told instead of shown and the reader isn't given enough of a character to even root for or care about. It's kind of like attempting to put an entire novella/novel into a short story and it just doesn't work as well. And much of it is told instead of shown.


Setting:

The setting works well. While my geography knowledge is limited, I can still get a general feel for the location since I've at least heard of the places mentioned. Seems like a good location for this story.


Character Development:

This part starts off fine but then we are cut out of the character, so to speak. The readers aren't given a main character by the end to follow, which makes it harder to connect and reader. We don't see the character develop as he changes to one of the mutants. We are merely told it happens and nothing more.


Plot:

I'm a little confused as to the overall plot. It comes off a little bit pointless, if at the end all die. Not to mention, there is no real way to tell, who or which side to root for overall. With parts of the plot just kind of told to the reader, it's harder to follow and understand what's going on and why.


Ending:

The end feels weak. We aren't in any of the characters any more, certainly not the main one we are introduced. It's a sad way to end, with them dying but it's not a good sad. It doesn't make me feel much because I haven't been given enough of a character to feel for because of the way the story is told.


Suggestions for Improvement:

There is a small box when editing an item to make it double spaced. I would suggest either clicking on that so it automatically gives the story space or putting an extra enter between paragraphs. It's just easier for a reader that way, to have a little space.

Of the first 5 paragraphs, 3 start with just his last name and another one starts with his full name. Something a general reader might not notice, but as a writer I'd suggest a little more variety in paragraph beginnings.

He pulled onto a black strip of concrete that had once been the autobahn.

"Little did the man realize that he was about to find out just how possible it truly was." - While I get the reason for this, it is a little jarring. I feel the story up to this point is in the main character's point of view and for a random sentence to not be, throws the reader off a little bit.

"He would wake up three days later in what appeared to be some sort of isolation booth." - This is another element, line that sounds a little off. The problem with elements like this is they "tell." We aren't as close to the main character, into the character's pov enough. So, we are being told what is happening to him instead of really seeing it happen. This is where working on show, not tell, would make the story better.

In fact, after that line it becomes way more telling instead of showing, particularly with the actions involving Lateen. It feels like you are trying to get an entire story told in a couple of paragraphs.

Last few paragraphs don't have the indent that the rest has for the first line. Might want to at least fix that.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
220
220
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 4/4 from the coffee house. Don't know who is doing the other reviews but hope your package gets done soon.

Title:

The title amuses me. I'm still not sure what it means, but it draws my attention each time I look at your portfolio. Again, no caps. *Wink*
The description doesn't tell much but is one of the times that second person works.


Comments:

Different poem and rather long. It's not quite an epic length but longer than most poems I read on WDC. Not bad considering the length and it's not like the lines are each very long in length.


Form:

Not a specific, known form, but there is an indication of one. I like poems that are consistent in their forms, even if they aren't using a specific one. It's good to be creative, of course, but also to have some reasoning behind them in my mind.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme, which is a good choice with this poem. The rhythm/flow of the poem is decent as there aren't many spots that hinder the reader. Not many points of stumbling and that's always a good sign.


Imagery:

Good imagery. It isn't the focus but the small details are what make the images stand out within the poem. The orange parts are different types of images, but add amusement as well.


Favorite Part:

There she sways in her leotard,
lost in a mob of tumblers,
chanting on naked toes.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"My daughter
the seven-year-old," - this isn't quite a complete sentence. It's a reflection from the second stanza but that's hard to tell since it's marked as it's own sentence. Maybe adding something to it would make it seem more complete.

"Not from negligence
I hope you know," - This stanza is a bit confusing. Feels like a word from the sentence is missing because it doesn't feel quite complete.

"to worry the concern" - this line is a tad confusing and could use some work. I'd pick one and rewrite the sentence to either have "worry" or "concern" but not both.



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221
221
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 3/4 in coffee house package. Again, sorry for tardiness on this package but it'll be done soon.

Title:

Not bad, though I have no idea what/who/etc Bukowski is. As usual, I'd knock off the all caps. It's more bothersome than attention-getting. I do like the description. It doesn't help me figure out the poem but it does catch my attention and make me feel intrigued enough to read the poem.


Comments:

I'm a bit confused with this poem. It's rather disorientating and I still have no idea what's going on in the poem after reading it for the third time at least. The language is a little off putting. I don't have a problem with language but with the disorientation it's harder to understand the reason behind it. Seems a bit fitting to the character but still don't know enough about the character. Also, I don't often see poems with language, so part of it may just be that I'm not used to it. I use language more in stories than poems, but don't often have poems in dialogue. At least this was a dialogue type, so that helps.


Form:

No specific poetry form used, or at least none given.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

It does move decent for the most part. The confusion muddles it a bit but there is a sense of flow as I stumble along the lines. No rhyme scheme, which is better for this type of poem. No need to force rhymes with this type of poem.


Imagery:

There are some good images in here. I like the part of the mini van being a coffin. That had a great visual element to it and added to the poem. Helps to have images to ground the reader a bit for a poem that can be a little confusing.


Favorite Part:

Can’t a dead tree still stand?
Can’t a eunuch still pretend to be a man?


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Make Charles spin in his grave and grin." - Not sure, but if you're going for past tense, I would change "make" to "made". Also, think it sounds a little bit stronger. I dunno. Just a thought.

No other suggestions.


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Review of JENNIFER ON ICE  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 2/4 from my part of your coffee house package.

Title:

I like the title and it makes sense with the poem. Again, I would remove the caps locks button in creating the title and only have the first letters of each word be capital, maybe not "on" though. You should rely on the title and description to grab a readers attention instead of having the title yell out of the page. *Wink*


Comments:

This is a decent poem. It has an introduction that catches my attention. I like the elements described at different points, the imagery. It's also very sad, as I'm sure was the intention. A few minor elements detracts from the poem but they are easy to work out.


Form:

No specific form used, which is fine for this type of poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The flow is okay in this poem but the punctuation issues that will be discussed below interrupt it.


Imagery:

Nice job with imagery in both the happier, creative elements with the skating, and the heart-wrenching and sad elements of the ending.


Favorite Part:

A dancer dressed
in classical music
and sheathed in blades
of quicksilver,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The second stanza in the poem is very intriguing and has great details but it's a bit of a run-on. As one sentence it goes on too long and starts to get confusing during the end. I would rework some of it towards the end so that it's more than one sentence but keeps the elements desires and descriptions of the skater.

"She is her." - I don't think you wanted a period at the end of this line, because of how the next line acts like an extension from this instead of being its own sentence.

"She sits and watches" - This stanza doesn't flow quite right because the punctuation is a bit off. Here there isn't enough punctuation, such as commas. I'd look it over, read it out loud, and consider where there needs more in the stanza.



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Review of WORLD WAR ME  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


This is review 1/4 by me for your Coffee House Package. Apologies for the delay in the reviews.

Title:

The title is an interesting one that will draw readers in. However, I would recommend not having the title in all caps. Myself, I don't like text yelling at me and that's what all caps does. Instead, for the title, I'd recommend capitalizing only the first letter of each word of the title.
The descriptions below the title is good too. I don't know the connections to the actual words of the poem, or who the "you" is but it's still good and will intrigue a reader.


Comments:

This is a different poem than what I am used to. It has some sense of emotions but it's not as easy for me to connect with due to the nature of the topic. That's not something you have to be concerned with, however, because there are plenty of readers that are meant to be the audience for this type of poem even if I'm not one of them. I can appreciate the elements used to create images and the personal discussion of the poem. All of the edits suggested in this review are my opinion. It's a decent poem but there are some minor, technical issues through out to consider.


Form:

No specific form used.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme in this poem. The rhythm has some solid spots but a few sections aren't as good in the flow aspect. Those are discussed in the last section of this review. Any time sentence structure feels a bit off, it messes with the flow of the piece.


Imagery:

This is one thing you did pretty well. The mushroom cloud line is a good example of the imagery used in this poem and certain word choices throughout create images in the reader's mind.


Favorite Part:

The countdown begins.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I like the first stanza but as I look at it from a technical standpoint, I am a little confused. It doesn't feel like a complete sentence when I look at it as a whole. I guess, I don't mean incomplete as a non-sentence but incomplete as it doesn't give me an answer to what "it" is in the first sentence. I assume it is faith but the way the sentence flow goes that comes off a big odd sound wise in my head.

"With questions barking like gunfire" - There isn't anything wrong, per say, with this line. However, I would recommend considering past tense for the "barking" to see how that feels in the line as "barked".

"World War Me." - Interesting choice, but each time this is put in as a single line, they don't need a period. They aren't an actual sentence and thus don't need the punctuation.

"The bombs will drop out the sky then," - This is okay but I think a tiny word is missing here. I'd put "of" after "out".

"There will be wounded," - This also feels a bit incomplete and confusing even with the rest of the sentence. Maybe add another word in this line, such as "many" before "wounded". Just a suggestion.

"I’ll be taken prisoner" - Check the entire stanza this is the starting line of because the punctuation doesn't look right.


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Review of Telling Time  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 1/2 in the packaged from ~WhoMe???~

Title:

I like this title. The double T words look nice and it's the type that will catch my attention. I'm always for playing around with time and writing poetry about it. The description is helpful for the most part. Not sure on the three exclamation marks, lol, but I am glad that this says what type of form is used in the poem.


Comments:

This is a pretty good poem. The repetition doesn't come off as too much and the rhyme scheme doesn't have a sing song feeling, which is good in this type of poem. I think the topic is a good one and one that works with the given more. I like the idea of time, the removal of it and the strength that comes from that aspect into the character that is the speaker of the poem.

There are some minor elements or typos that I have pointed out in the section below but not too many really. This is well written and solid for the most part.

Nice job working with a form like this. It doesn't have the syllable count, which is what I like about this form, but instead it has the rhyme and repetition.


Form:

I am glad to see a form to be honest. The villanelle is a good form, one I've done in the past. You have followed the form rules well from my observation. The rhyme scheme is correct and so are the repeated lines. Well done with the form.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

A bit obvious in the rhymes, but not overly so. It doesn't jump up at me as being to obvious or forced when it comes to the rhymes. Having that second line to break up the "a" ones helps with that in this type of scheme.

Favorite Part:

No red flag is up, hours promise to stay;
As seconds stretch, limp flowers I forget,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Since the "villanelle" is in the item description, I'm not sure if it's necessary to have it in the item body as well.

"Have you noticed?I made a choice today." - space after the question mark.

"My vagrant life to my liking I set," - This line leaves me with an unsettled feeling. I even looked up the word vagrant and I'm still not sure if it works with the other half of the line. I know the rhyme scheme is important in this poem but this line could use some consideration and possibly change it.

"To tell the time, I threw the clock away." - This is okay. I find it a little odd to use "the" in front of "time". To me, the is invoking of a single entity that is very specific, and I know time can have that element but I'm not feeling it here. I think just taking off the word "the" would work and it would be stronger.

"While I sat to sip my bliss with chardonnay," - the tense of "sat" in this line. It throws me out of the poem a bit. I almost feel that the "sat to" could be removed and the line would work just fine.


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225
225
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 6/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

I do like this title. It's fitting and draws attention to the reader, giving them a reason to choose this piece to read. I like the description but kind of want to know what contest it was written for since it does mention a contest.

Initial Reaction:

The first couple of sentences don't feel like a strong introduction to the story. it comes off to me more as a telling of information but not a grabbing of my attention.

This reads to me as a personal story, kind of like someone is telling it to another person. It certainly doesn't have the tone of fiction in my mind. The first person adds to the feeling giving some sense of experientialism to the reading but for the most part stays with telling. There are wonderful lines and descriptions, which are the strong notes of the story. The rest is more of a tell what went on type than a showing.

I like the storm and can see the event occurring. I've never had this happen myself but know it can occur. Weather here can be rather strange and have dramatic changes in a matter of minutes, so I can relate to the situation.


Setting:

The descriptions of the setting are the highlight. Even with the crayola comment down below, I love the link of the colors with crayons and paints. Helps that I'm an artist (to some degree, like what is in my bachelor's). The setting is important in this story as it's a strong part and not just a character focus type.


Character Development:

We get to see into a small adventure that the character goes on, but this isn't about the character changing. It's a flash fiction piece that is about an experience more than about the character that is personified in the first person telling of the hike.


Plot:

The plot is about a day, a hike that is met with a random storm. Nature is the key element in this story and the character is the bystander to the event.


Ending:

The ending is good. I'm not all fond of having titles in poems or stories, it takes a special one for me to think it's a perfect choice. Here I'm not against it but I do think that the capitalization isn't necessary. Keep it but don't make it stand out so much. The last line could use a little work as well, but that is discussed in the section below.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"The sun was shining, it was going to be a beautiful day." - This feels like it should be two separate sentences instead of one. The comma doesn't feel like the correct form of punctuation.

"It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons." - This is fine. But for me I don't thing that the crayon company should be given a gender. "It" would work better than "her" in my mind.

"A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky; cool enough to almost quench your thirst," - This paragraph gives off a feeling of second person, bringing in the "you" when most of the story is done in first and that change brought me out of the reading a bit.

"It was here, rushing at me." - to me, this comes off a bit contradictory. The first half of the sentence makes it sound like the clouds have arrived while the second half imply that they are on their way.

"Maybe though, they didn't all like to leave." - I like the concept of this line but it's a little weak. It would be better to be stronger in the ending, to make the statement instead of go about it in this light of tone.


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