Indelible Ink's (indelibleink) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

361 Public Reviews Given

374 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I try to imagine I've just taken a seat in the waiting room at a doctor's office and picked up a magazine to pass the time. Suddenly - what's this? - I stumble upon your little work of art. As a result of reading your story, either I will 1) I like it so much I MUST have it, so I stuff the magazine down the front of my shirt and hope the doctor isn't checking my heartbeat today, or 2) Become so nauseated at the ineptitude displayed by your chicken scratches that I will beg the doctor to consider me for an emergency euthanasia. Chances are it will be somewhere in the middle.

I'm good at...

I like to think I can recognize a good story when I see one. I can also recognize general structure errors, but it is important to realize that I 'ain't no stinkin' English teacher' either, so I probably won't catch everything. Besides, if it turns out what I'm reading is a real train wreck, it's likely I'll get frustrated with all the errors and shut the review down prematurely. I will try to be as constructively critical with your piece as I would wish for someone to be with mine. Okay?

Favorite Genres

Dark/Horror/Scary/Thriller/Suspense/Supernatural/Humor (intentional or otherwise)/Drama/Ghost...

Least Favorite Genres

Anything that says you didn't do your due diligence before sending it to me is -- in my mind -- a "crummy genre." Nor do I wish to read your political rants -- as enlightening as they may be...

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories/Fiction

Least Favorite Item Types

Poetry! Unless you're convinced you have something that will sway me because it's A) Damned funny, or B) So sad I'll begin blubbering three verses into it. Otherwise, you'll probably cure my insomnia. Poetry ain't my strong suit, gang!

I will not review...

1) Your homework 2) Your kid's homework 3) Anything that suggests to me that you didn't even bother to use the spell check feature before sending it my way. In other words, if you sent me stuff because you are simply too lazy to correct the simple stuff yourself, then don't waste my time (or yours)! NOTE: ***Please keep it under 3k words; I want to have time to write my OWN stuff which can be ripped by some other reviewer - I deserve equal time, you know...***

26

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14 days may be credited.

#3918633

Review of Finale

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello there, Unwritten Insanity

! Indelible Ink

here, with review of your work. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

1) Overall Impression: I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed this. (Maybe that's sort of scary unto itself)? Setting this up as you did, with the psychopath rationalizing this as just any other, ordinary addiction was really well-played, and although I sensed early on that this guy was going to be something of a nut-job, it didn't become readily apparent to me until near the very end in exactly what fashion the craziness would manifest itself.

2) Best Part(s): I thought the whole thing - start-to-finish, was set up quite nicely; you caught my attention right off the bat and I just had to see where this was going; couldn't stop reading.

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: Personally, I didn't think the parentheses were necessary here. For one, parentheses are usually used for smaller chuncks of information; it didn't feel right to see them used for such large parts of the story. I realize you were trying to seperate the killers thoughts from the regular narration, but I think the reader whould have picked up on that quickly, as there was a definite 'tempo' to the story, and a change in the manner of presentation. Maybe it's just me, though. Also, there were a few grammatical errors, such as 'relieveing (reliving) everthing he just did', but they're not deal-breakers by any stretch.

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: As I said, this was a great read, I found it fairly captivating. I think you are a gifted author.

5) Suggestion(s): Outside of the parentheses thing and what I mentioned earlier, I think this is spot-on crazy-good.

I have no doubt I'll see more from you in the future!

Oh, and by the way, this is a

** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. If not, come on over, read one of my items, and rip me a new one! After all: I'm a Rising Stinkin' Star; I can take it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

27

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14 days may be credited.

#3917780

Review of Fiction 4: Friday's Freedom

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there, revdbob

! Indelible Ink

here, with review of your work. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

1) Overall Impression: Love the perspective of the prisoner prior to his parole hearing. You sort of wish every prisoner would take the time to contemplate his future with the same introspection as Sparrow. For that matter, heck, I wish I took the time to think through most of my own decisions as well as Sparrow did! Unfortunately, most of us are rather impulsive and tend to think short rather than long-term. Even more to the point, most of us are rarely 100% honest - even with ourselves.

2) Best Part(s): I thought you set it up nicely, with the convict very pumped to get out of the Big House initially, and then you did a nice job of transitioning to him giving his potential release further thought.

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: I think - and this is just me - for the story to be completely 'objective' some mention should be made as to whether Sparrow had a girlfriend - or even family, or buddies; somewhere - anywhere. That usually tips the scales in favor of one electing to 'get out' and then letting the chips fall where they may. I mention this only as I think typically there are other factors someone in Sparrow's position would have to consider.

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: It was well written and fun to read; I found it very entertaining & thought-provoking.

5) Suggestion(s): None other than what I already mentioned. It's good stuff, and I thank you for sharing it.

Oh, and by the way, this is a

** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. If not, come on over, read one of my items, and rip me a new one! After all: I'm a Rising Stinkin' Star; I can take it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

28

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3913613

Review of Wind over Hill 1.1

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello there, Jake Billings

. Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story per your request. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

Please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Here's exactly how I see this, Jake: This is a novel chapter which is top-heavy in background and somewhat lacking in story. Before I go any further, let me state for the record that I have been accused at times of being a bit lax with my background presentation and heavier on the plot in some of my stories, so you may have just run into your 'polar opposite' here! With that in mind, I'm trying to be as objective as possible, but I keep coming to the same conclusion when I go back over the novel.

But, back to the review...Look at it this way: I pasted this story into word and it tells me you spent 1604 words essentially detailing a conversation between a couple - of some royalty - about throwing a ball. Not to be trite, but I didn't see much more than that.

I advise against beginning your story in this manner, mainly because you're going to need a little more in the action department to keep your reader from leaving your story and moving on.

For instance, you mention a character Marle, who will - sometime in the future, I assume - sit around & tell his stories. We don't know Marle - he has no history - so none of the couple's comments about him are even relevant to the reader at this point.

It becomes more of the same because the next conversation is about Hedley, another unknown, who they haven't seen in 4 years. Honestly, Lady Witton's comment, "But it really doesn't matter anymore," pretty much sums up the entire conversation - for me - at this point. Seriously, you need to ask yourself: What has happened in my story up to here which makes the reader want to stick around and find out more?

In essence, the conversations read to me like 'filler'; ask yourself what the story would lose if those conversations had never occurred? What here grabs my attention and makes me want to read more?

The conversation where he asks his wife to tell him about himself might be acceptable if information revealed has an impact on the story, but it still is too wordy and drawn out.

There are a couple more mini-conversations, but they provide little more than reiterate what we already know: that the Lord & Lady are decent folk. You need to get me involved with these people, besides simply liking them.

What Stood Out (Favorably): In spite of my ranting, you write very well. You know how to put together a sentence and depict an event with little trouble. You're easy to read, and with some favorable action going on, I'm sure you'd knock out some pretty good stuff. Your descriptions are excellent strictly speaking in their presentation, but what needs to be achieved is a proper balance between description and story.

Characters: The characters are well-defined here, but I'm not of the opinion it's necessarily a good thing. As I mention below in the 'background' section, you devote sentences - and even paragraphs - to character descriptions; in other words: too much information. Try to blend the information in slowly rather than an information 'dump'; the reader won't remember all the stuff you laid out at the beginning anyway - unless he's taking notes!

Story: The problem here is that there's not much which qualifies as a 'story' per se. So the Lord and Lady are talking about throwing a ball. So what? There's no hint of a problem anywhere, so what's the story? You have to throw something out there for the reader to want to continue, and honestly, so far there are absolutely zero questions which need to be answered here. No conflict. No bad guy. No dishonest caterer, even. If I'm going to chapter two, you have to grab me in chapter one...somehow! Know what I'm sayin'?

Background: Imagine this: You are painting on a canvas and you have a great idea for what you are going to paint, but only have a limited supply of paint and colors to work with. You spend a great deal of time and effort getting your background squared away to your liking, and - finally - are ready to start the focal point of your painting, but guess what? You're almost outta paint! You spent it all on the background! As a result, your main attraction is overshadowed by background and you fall far short of your desired results.

That analogy is what I'm using to describe the beginning of your story. The first paragraphs go into an enormous amount of detail before a word is spoken or somebody even moves. Now, for contrast, check out these sentences when the conversation actually begins:

"And we’ll sit around a fire, and old Marle will tell his stories,” said the man.

“And when the fire is getting low, we’ll lie back and look at the stars,” said the woman.

“Then we’ll fall asleep.”

"said the man", "said the woman"...Now, when you built up to these sentences, you used a number of descriptions about the man & woman to set up the conversation. Rather than the drab, simple "he said" "she said" presentation, why don't you add a touch of your descriptions into the sentences, which would add some life to the sentences and reduce the beginning of the story, which contains way too much background info standing all on its own.

Maybe something like this:

"And we’ll sit around a fire, and old Marle will tell his stories,” said the man, as he adjusted his full-length white tunic.

It's just an example of how you can blend in some of the information in the conversation so the reader doesn't feel like he's being inundated with information...

Dialog: I don't see anything wrong with the dialog, technically speaking. But with regard to the content, that's another kettle of flounder.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Two things I think you need to do to make this an Amazon best-seller: Blend your background information in with the story, slowly as you tell your tale. The reader doesn't need to know if the guy was not tall but was slim, or every detail about his jerkin, and even if he does, trickle that information in, rather than blasting away with it. 2) Work on your hook to keep me reading! Every stinkin' story ever written that was worth a darn has been that way because readers wanted to know more - because they were 'hooked'. Provide your reader with something to ponder in that first chapter, so he'll want to see the second...

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I hope there was something useful here, Jake. I wouldn't take my comments as the gospel; wait to see what others have to say; look for common themes in each of the reviews and then think about what your next step should be. In any case, I wish you well with this undertaking; you have all the basic requirements of a good writer, and I know this will be a good story when it's all said and done. If I can ever be of further help, or you have a question about something in particular, don't hesitate to say something!

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

29

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14 days may be credited.

#3908858

Review of Is There Light Out There?

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello there,Isola Bertolucci

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your poem(s) per your request. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

(Note that I pasted both versions into the review, colored 'em red, and commented on each individually as I went along; general comments were made at the end...)

Version 1:
Is There Light Out There?

Heart-crushing agony.
Feelings of hopelessness and doubt:
Like being in a hole so deep,
Not a forgiving light to be seen.

(I can sense the author's torment and feeling of futility which typically accompanies depression; there is the overriding thought that it is a hole from which there is no escape)...

Catatonic, so let there be sleep;
As sleep is a blessing...
Or is it?
Does sleep not foster an even deeper darkness?

(Sleep is often craved by those clinically depressed; as it is an escape - albeit only temporary - from the perceived horror of being awake and dealing with that which torments us so. In the case of depression, sleep is often metaphorically recognized as death - more permanent - and therefore the often perceived 'solution' to depression. To those so afflicted, death presents a viable means of escape)

Stumbling backwards, falling, (I really like this line)
Falling into the deep hole of anquish. (Sense of despair mounting)
Suffocating thoughts of anger building, building!
Not in control of one's senses.

Frustration turns to sadness;
then sadness to self-doubt.
Where is the light?
Has it burned out? (Is there any reason to hope for salvation?)

I very much liked the order of this poem and the descriptions used. I found it easy to read - even for someone who is not all that into free verse poetry - and the message was chilling.

Is There Light Out There? 2nd Version

Frustration into sadness;
Sadness into self-doubt.

Stumbling backwards, falling,
falling into the deep hole of anquish.
Suffocating thoughts of anger building, building! (I remember someone telling me that a writer shouldn't rely on an exclamation point to do his/her job for him/her. The point was: If you tell it correctly, the reader will feel it w/o needing an exclamation point. I still use them, but I really try to avoid it when possible. I think it's a good thing to strive for, regardless)
No longer in control of my senses. (Liked it better in V1: 'one's senses')

Heart crushing agony.
Feelings of helplessness and self-loathing.
It's like I'm in a hole so deep, (I don't think the first person reference is necessary; as this reflects the feelings of all who suffer from severe depression)
not a forgiving light can be seen.

Catatonic. So let there be sleep;
As sleep is a blessing...
Or is it?
Does sleep not foster even deeper darkness?

Where is the light?
Has it burned out?

Overall, this second version seemed a bit more herky-jerky to me. The author might argue that one who's depressed might be thinking that way - which is true - but I was more caught up emotionally with V1 - for whatever it's worth)

Initial Impression: I thought the first version was superior to the second; as I stated earlier, I thought the flow in V1 had a good order to it. Perhaps if I had not read V1 and started with V2, I'd have thought differently.

What Stood Out (Favorably): Word choices and order, as noted in V1. Word choices were good in both, but the order of them had more of an emotional build-up in V1.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: My own personal opinion is number one is very good; a 4.5 in my book, for reasons stated. The second version didn't read nearly as well to me; I gave it a 3.5. Since I compared the two in one review, I'll take the average of the pair and give it a 4.0

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. You and poetry seem like a good fit, Izzie. Putting feelings on paper is not as easy as it seems for many (such as myself). Keep at it; you're a good one. (Ha-ha...Note the lack of an exclamation point).

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

30

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14 days may be credited.

#3884802

Review of Selfless Self-Gratification

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hello there Prosperous Snow celebrating

! Indelible Ink

here, with a review of your work as co-judge of "Invalid Item"

. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

As I generally do with items small enough to fit in the review tool, I've pasted yours in here so I can add my comments directly as I go through the item. (Note: If there are multiple errors of a similar nature - I will only point out a few early on). For ease of identifying my comments, they will all be in red like this. That said, let the games begin...

It was a selfless act of self-gratification
there is no other logical explanation,
I saw it sitting unguarded on the table,
with its chocolate icing looking exquisitely eatable. (Note: while the spelling of 'table and 'eatable' both include identical letters - the last 5, anyway - the pronunciation is quite different; perhaps 'edible' is worthy of some consideration here for the last word of the stanza)

It had been so long since I enjoyed the flavor
that I could not remember its sweet savor.
I told myself one slice would suffice
and that eating more indicated an unquenchable vice.

Since it would take too long fresh coffee to make,
I decided to have a glass of milk with my cake.
On the table I put milk, fork, knife, saucer, and glass
Then I pulled up a chair to enjoy my repast.

In the saucer I place a very small piece,
Poured milk in the glass, ready to begin my feast.
What I did next cannot be denied
I picked up the fork and pushed the saucer aside,

With fork in hand I ate the entire gâteau,
I did not even save the small slice for you.
If you are hungry, the milk is still fresh,
I know you are thinking I am a chocolate cake lush. (Probably a bit of a stretch with the last two rhyming words here; 'fresh' and 'lush' make strange bedfellows)

1) Overall Impression: I realize this is intended to be humorous, but it was difficult for me to navigate in spots.

2) Best Part(s): Some of the lines were certainly funny. But as a poem, it wasn't funny. See the difference?

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: Sometimes near-rhymes work; in other cases not so much. But that alone isn't the real issue here. To me, I never got into any rhythm with this poem because the syllable count varied tremendously from start to finish. I never got my internal drum beating with the poem, if you know what I mean.

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: I think it requires some work in order to be a good poem...

5) Suggestion(s): If it were me, I'd try to take out as many of the non-essential words as possible, and try to establish a cadence with this baby, so your head starts rockin' while you read it. It needs to be trimmed in spots. The syllable count in each stanza varies greatly from its predecessor; I'd try to establish a little uniformity if at all possible.

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. After all: One item can produce a whole spectrum of comments; which certainly invites an array of opinions. Know what I'm saying? (That's okay, I'm not sure I do, either).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3884801

Review of Death by Hunger

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

Hello there Dominique

! Indelible Ink

here, with a review of your work, as I'm a co-judge of "Invalid Item"

. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

As I generally do with stories which are small enough to fit in the review tool, I've pasted yours in here so I can add my comments directly as I go through the story. (Note: If there are multiple errors of a similar nature - I will only point out a few early on). For ease of identifying my comments, they will all be in red like this. That said, let the games begin...

I always said I wouldn’t be like her, but as I look around my room at three in the morning I see I failed myself. Maybe if I hadn’t been so desperate or even picky(reads awkward; better left out) I wouldn’t be in this position. Thomas rolls over and grunts, throwing his heavy arm over the length of my body. The scent of him reminds me of the first time we met.

It had been a year ago ('been' and 'ago' both represent the past; choose/use only one) and I was at a friend’s party. She had promised me the time of my life after breaking up with Neil Mason. Neil was 5’7 and a whole bag of worthless. We dated for a few months, but he never tried to make a better life for us. He thought his apartment in the slums was perfect for us. Don’t get me wrong I am not Miss prissy, but I am above the slums. For Christ sakes I work as a paralegal at a law firm. (My own reaction here is that I'm stunned a paralegal would give Neil three whole months!) I deserved better than a guy who only worked as at a bar on the weekends cleaning up. Not even a bouncer or bartender; (You have a new thought now, so you have to separate that new thought, preferably with a semi-colon) what was I thinking? I was promised this party would make me forget all about him and boy it did. That night I met Thomas “Tommy” Hagemeyer. He was 6’2 and built. He could probably pick me up and throw me across the room. I would find out later that picking me up was no problem for him at all.

Tommy, sliding his (sliding his....what? Hand? Wallet? Barbie Doll? I'm being silly here, but only to illustrate the importance of taking the time to proofread before you declare a story 'fit' for human consumption: You really omitted a fairly important word here) under my gown brought me out of memory lane. Just looking at him made me want to hurl all over him. (Not exactly GQ cover material here, is he?) I thought I had gotten better, but I'd gotten worse. Neil at least made an honest living, but didn’t have the motivation for more in life. Tommy won me over with his flashy house, car, and the promise of the world. That desperate heart of mine fell for everything before my brain knew any better. I would find out four months later that not all of Tommy’s money was honest. His hand is riding higher. I hate when he is high. I decide that since I am up; some late night house work would be best for me. I slide out of bed quietly and head for the laundry home to start the wash.

“How did this become my life?” I wonder out loud as I separate clothes. I remember back to my childhood and my mother pops into my head. She was a no good explain (you lost me here) when it came to the type of men to date. My father was a complete loser and my mother stayed with him long enough to have my brother and me. Before meeting her husband she dated men in between who were no better. Drugs and alcohol is all these men knew. Heck that is all my mother knew; our grandmother took care of us for the most part. I promised myself I wouldn’t follow down the same path. What happened to me?

I crushed all through high school (I hate to sound ignorant, but I'm unfamiliar with this) until my senior year when I was checking out colleges. I met Brett Johnson 5’9”, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a junior in college. I choose Morehead University just because of him. Don’t get me wrong I got my education, but I also got educated in other things as well. I spent Brett’s every free minute when I wasn’t in class in his Brett's bed, the back of his car, and wherever else we could find. I thought we were in love until I caught him in bed with another girl in his bed. That was the end of us and my freshmen year of college. I spent my next three years in and out of beds of whoever would have me. I wore my heart on my sleeve and desperately wanted to be loved. For that reason I thought every man that showed me attention was it.

Placing the first load of laundry in the dryer I remember something Brett had told me a couple of months ago. I happened to go back to Morehead for homecoming and ran into Brett. How I hated that man for what he did to me. During the social time before the homecoming Brett came up to me and introduced me to his wife. I couldn’t help, but think, wow he cleaned up his act. While talking to some old friends he came up to me and asked could he have a word with me. As much as I hated him I wouldn’t show this anger in front of others. I remember this conservation like it was yesterday.

“What do you want?”

“I want to apologize to you. I treated you wrong when we were together.” He said rubbing my arm. “When I met Nicole and fell in love all I could think about was the way I treated you and how wrong it was.”

“Oh, is that so? I faintly remember then that you didn’t care you were sleeping with other women and that I should be okay with it.”

“I thought because you had me most of the time and I threw ‘I Love You’ out there that should have been okay. I felt at that time I gave you what you needed and wanted. It took me growing up more and meeting Nicole to truly understand what I did and you actions after that.”

“What do you mean my actions?”

“Oh come on Jen, I know you slept with my friends and my friend’s friends.”

“So your saying I became a ho?” I said with anger in my tone. How dare he judge me when he cheated on me.

“No, that is not what I am saying. There is this quote by Cervantes that goes ‘ Hunger is the best sauce in the world.’ It reminds me of you. I hope that one day you push down the hunger for love, so you can wait for someone who truly loves you for you.”

“Jennifer!!!!” I heard Tommy yelling while coming down the stairs. I knew I was trouble he didn’t allow me to leave the bed other than to go to the restroom. Brett was right I jump from one relationship to another and they all sounded good until I was full sort of speak. (If you re-read the previous two sentences, you'll see they both contain multiple errors and - the omission of 'in' before 'trouble' changes the meaning of the sentence considerably! It appears to me that at this point, you are trying to wrap up your story quickly).

“I am in the laundry room.” Yelled out (Who yelled out?) finishing folding the clothes I have had gotten done. As fast as I spoke his huge frame was blocking the door.

“Now you know that I hate to sleep alone Jen baby.” He said with that cocky grin I hated.

“I know but I couldn’t sleep, so thought I would get come cleaning done.”

“You should have woken me up. I was worried about you.” He said running his rough hand down my face then down the front of my chest. I knew where he was going with this. In few minutes I would be naked on top of the washer and arguing would just bring punishment to me. Tommy reminded me every day that I was his and would be his forever. Every day I remember that quote that Brett told me. When I think of it I see homeless eating out of trash cans and how every now and then the food makes them sick and how one day it can kill. Brett tried to save my life, but I went back to my the food I found in the trash and he it makes me sick every day. (I really like the metaphor here). By God he will be the death of me.

1) Overall Impression: Not a bad story, but you need to brush up on the sentence structure & punctuation. If you have a situation where there are enough errors that cause the reader to go back an re-read some sentences - as is the case here - your reader isn't likely to stick around very long.

2) Best Part(s): Overall, you supply enough detail for the reader to get the gist of your story, and I really like your next-to-last sentence. Very creative.

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: Again, the sentences here tend to be fragmented, and you lack proper punctuation to separate thoughts. When you finish writing something, have a friend proofread it, or let it sit for a couple of days. By reading it with 'fresh eyes' I think some of the mistakes will then jump out at you (at least that method seems to help me).

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: This could be an interesting tale, but the plethora of mistakes in the general telling (which by the way, could be aided by a little more showing) make for a difficult read. The best story in the world, if told with a bunch of writing mistakes, will not be well received.

5) Suggestion(s): As I said earlier, the potential for a good story is here. As submitted - particularly when written for a contest where (presumably) the bar is raised somewhat - you need to bring your 'A' game. As suggested earlier, have a friend give it a general read-through, and do the same yourself, before submitting. The results will be much more gratifying.

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. After all: One item can produce a whole spectrum of comments; which certainly invites an array of opinions. Know what I'm saying? (That's okay, I'm not sure I do, either).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3884799

Review of A Feast of Hunger

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there ! Indelible Ink

here, with a review of your work as co-judge of "Invalid Item"

. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

As I generally do with items small enough to fit in the review tool, I've pasted yours in here so I can add my comments directly as I go through the item. (Note: If there are multiple errors of a similar nature - I will only point out a few early on). For ease in identifying my comments, they will all be in red like this. That said, let the games begin...

The echo of a spoken vow
heard faintly o’er the years
reaches out to my heart now
but can’t erase the tears.

The dreams we shared at the start
have faded over time
leaving behind a wounded heart
but there was no crime. ("and yet there was no crime." might flow better)

(For whatever it's worth, I thought the first two stanzas were darn near perfect)

The yearnings that seemed to consume us
were lost along the way.
The trials of life now seem to doom us;
our path has gone astray.

(Unfortunately, the above stanza didn't work well for me. For one thing, the syllable count jumped - probably more noticeable compared to the first two stanzas - but you cut back again in the final two stanzas as well. Also, the rhymes of 'consume us' and 'doom us' just felt a bit forced compared to the rhymes in the rest of the poem)

As I drift off the hunger comes
for all the might-have-beens.
I wander through a world of crumbs
as I count up my sins.

The morning light reveals your face,
I reach and touch your hand.
The hunger’s lost in your embrace …
I finally understand.

1) Overall Impression: I liked it for the most part; in a few places the rhythm faltered a little, in my estimation. Plus, I'm not particularly into 'mushy' poetry, but that's a character flaw on my part - just ask my wife - she'll{/i} tell you! (P.S. I didn't penalize you for my shallowness).

2) Best Part(s): As I said, I really loved the way this began: crisp; I flew through it.

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: My biggie, as you certainly are aware by now, is the third stanza.

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: What otherwise was a very good poem had the one hiccup - no point in belaboring the issue...

5) Suggestion(s): Okay, I'll belabor the issue. I don't think it would be too difficult for you to touch up the 3rd stanza; and double-check the meter in a couple of other places.

Late note: Congrats on turning blue!

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. After all: One item can produce a whole spectrum of comments; which certainly invites an array of opinions. Know what I'm saying? (That's okay, I'm not sure I do, either).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3884798

Review of Mr. Maybe

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello there ! Indelible Ink

here, with a review of your work as co-judge of "Invalid Item"

. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments.

As I generally do with items small enough to fit in the review tool, I've pasted yours in here so I can add my comments directly as I go through the item. (Note: If there are multiple errors of a similar nature - I will only point out a few early on). For ease in identifying my comments, they will all be in red like this. That said, let the games begin...

I see him sometimes in my head
so handsome, fair, and tall
he’s not quite charming as a prince
he’s nothing much at all

and at my kiss can display
some rather froggish warts
but when he smiles I misrecall
those less than perfect notes. (less than perfect rhyme, too!)

or how about, perhaps:

but when he smiles, how I recall
the warmth that smile imparts. (Hey, I'm just brainstormin' here...)

Mr. Right is just a dream
a bubble or a rhyme.
Mr. Wrong is way too real
we’ve met a thousand times.

Heathcliff’s mad and Darcy’s proud,
Rochester is married
Vamps, I fear, give me the creeps
Romeo is buried

I’ve given up on Aragorn
and Peter Pan’s a baby
I’m old enough to compromise—
I long for Mr. Maybe

1) Overall Impression: I thought this was a darn good poem. It was crisp, great flow

2) Best Part(s): The entire thing. (Even the part I decided to nit-pick about wasn't bad).

3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: Minor, but as noted above.

4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: This is one of those poems which is a pleasure to read; I really enjoyed it: humorous in parts, but ultimately sad...

5) Suggestion(s): As far as I know, this is the first time I've read anything by you. Glad I did. Keep it up!

Note: Congrats on Winning the contest; nice job...

I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. After all: One item can produce a whole spectrum of comments; which certainly invites an array of opinions. Know what I'm saying? (That's okay, I'm not sure I do, either).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3881238

Review of "The Collaborator"

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there, oktchr

. Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story per your request. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Note: As has become a popular M.O. with requested reviews, I paste the entire story into the review tool (if practical) and make my comments in red. I find it easier - for both of us - to understand what I'm talking about rather than trying to reference by paragraph number, etc.

The Collaborator

She sat silently in the old rocker, staring down at the black satin garment draped over her knees. The lace & shimmer of the ebony fabric seemed out of place in this dusty room. She looked up at the cracked mirror on that wall to her right. The scar on her forehead was already beginning to fade. The images of the gleeful faces in the crowd might take longer. When her hair grew back, possibly she could arrange her tresses just so, as to cover the wound above her eyebrows.

He had loved her hair. He would often spend the late evening hours brushing her long dark locks watching them sheen in the candlelight, knowing that the ritual helped to soothe her fears. For a brief moment she was glad he was not alive to see her like this.

(Comment: While I realize that proper names are not relevant in this story, my personal thought is that there are too many "She's" and "He's" in the first two paragraphs - to the point that it became redundant very fast for me. Perhaps if you mixed it up a bit more with different references - perhaps throwing in something like "The woman sat silently in the old rocker" and/or not starting so many sentences with "She's" and "He's" it wouldn't jump out so much. Certainly not a biggie, but I did notice it immediately the first time through).

**************************

“We’re enemies, you and I”. He spoke to her softly but with a tone of irony. The blue eyes revealed a hint of amusement.
“So I am told.” She tried to be flippant with her response.
“You don’t fear me?”
“How could I fear you when I’ve just made love with you?”
“Could it be the forbidden fruit that enticed you my dear?”
She pondered his question briefly. The allure had been strong. She had watched him from the side of Cherbourg’s main road that first day. The quiet crowd had gathered to stare glumly at the troops marching into the city with their odd goosestep. One man standing beside her in the crowd wept openly as the soldiers marched in unison down the
red bricked streets of Cherbourg.

“I succumbed to this handsome face and those strong arms, I was helpless! She laughed.
“For your sake we should be discreet.”
“Yes, I suppose that we should.”

This fall day in 1944 had been unusually warm and pleasant in France. The warm breeze almost made one forget the surrounding war-torn countryside. (I'm almost certain that war-torn is hyphenated). He had wanted to escape as much as she even if it would only be for a couple of hours. She had to slip away quietly so as not to be noticed.

“I used to walk out to this spot when I wanted to be alone.”
She tried to remember the last time she was here.
“Do you want to be alone now?”
“No.”
“Were you seen?”
“I don’t believe that I was.”
She saw no reason to alarm him needlessly. She had in fact been seen but only by a child playing behind the old hollow stump off the edge of the path. The boy was not likely to know why she had been silently hurrying up the hill along the rocky path.

The narrow passage had become almost a tunnel through the hedgerows that were centuries old. If the hedges that were matted with thick roots and old stones had closed in growth, the thicket would have been impossible to penetrate. Unbeknownst to her he had previously probed the wider trail for land mines and found it to be clear. Nevertheless, he felt this private path to be much safer. The smaller secluded trail would take her through the wooded area and into a clearing, an oasis away from the shelling and destruction that had plagued the French city before occupation. It would be their own escape from the Hell on Earth in which they had found themselves to be existing.

She had chosen to ignore the boy and continued her pursuit for the afternoon of paradise that surely awaited her.

“Why must it be this way? Our countries are at war but we are not. Why must we be forbidden from one another as if we had borders etched upon our hearts?”
She shivered slightly as he followed the curve of her spine with his fingertips. The afternoon sun which had been beaming through the treetops earlier in the afternoon had warmed their bodies but was now beginning to lower itself to the horizon, producing a swirl of rose and lavender clouds.

“We are not forbidden as such but the repercussions of sleeping with the enemy could be harsh.” He watched the goose bumps appear on her flesh as he neared the base of her spine, tracing its path slowly with his index finger.
“I would be shunned.”
“Being shunned by the townspeople would most likely be the mildest punishment they would inflict upon you.”
“So let them all hate me for loving you.”
“Their hatred runs deeply my darling.” He thought of feeling the bitter stares boring into his back and of the elderly French woman who had spat in his direction. He could have easily shot the tiny woman on sight but chose to leave her to her venom.

(A couple of general comments here (This applies to most of your dialog throughout - not necessarily with the paragraph above): 1) Must admit to being not used to this type of 'paragraph structure' if you will... It appears to me you're grouping segments of conversation regarding specific thoughts, and I see the logic, but...

I'm not the brightest bulb on the planet - so it may very well be me - but I found it easy to get lost in remembering who was saying what after a few dialog sentences strung together consecutively. This will sound like a COMPLETE contradiction to my comment above, but here I would have welcomed a random 'He' or 'She' thrown in there just to keep me on track. Your descriptions in this story are so good, perhaps you could throw a couple of discreet references to who's speaking in so I don't need to go back and double-check. Again, it just may be me (refer to the 'brightest bulb' comment above), but I'm just trying to keep it real here).

“The war can’t last much longer. When it is over then they will have to accept us.” She sat up and began pulling her stockings past her ankles and up to her knees. The air was beginning to chill her now that the sun was rapidly sinking behind the distant hills. He smiled at her naivete’ as he helped her into her petticoat and fastened the metal clasp at the back of the collar on her faded dress. She had to dress quickly. She would have to go alone and he did not want her having to find her way through the woods in the dark. She watched him don his olive green uniform with the red symbol on the arm. The intersecting bars against a white circle upon a red background, which symbolized the fall of France and had struck fear in the hearts of Europeans everywhere, was to be worn on the arm of such a tender and caring man.

He kissed her gently.
“We must not linger here any longer my love.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“I am wrong to endanger you. Go now, quickly.”

She ran out of the clearing the through the thicket with the sure footed precision of a young deer. The familiar trail from her childhood made navigating through the dusk a simple feat. The air blew the loose strands of hair back away from her face as she hurried back down the path leading to the shell damaged buildings at the edge of the town.
***********************(This is fine as present/past separator)

She rocked slowly now in the rocker. If she had made the decision to flee and find refuge within a neutral country as so many had done, things could have turned out differently. Perhaps she would not be alone here in this wooden rocker gazing into a cracked mirror. Perhaps if she had been more cautious in the presence of the child playing at the old stump the boy would not have been curious enough to follow her through the thicket that warm afternoon. He had told of what he saw. “Morale Woman” they had all labeled her.

“When it is over then they will have to accept us.” She smiled bitterly at her own words. He lay dead in the doorway of the crumbling brick building less than a year later. He had defended his station as the American troops ambushed the French town liberating it from German occupation. He was a remaining “sniper” they said. He fired at the overpowering enemy until his death.

D-Day plus 6; it had been a bloody battle. The Normandy Invasion had taxed the beaches of Omaha and Utah to full capacity. The necessity of taking Cherbourg’s huge port had become paramount for the American troops. They had discovered the lovers’ clearance at the top of the wooded hill that had overlooked the old railroad yard. Then artillery had been aimed at the town below them until the city had become a huge ball of fire and appeared to be engulfed in flames. The saturation bombing had shaken Cherbourg as if having to endure a monumental earthquake.

His corner building had remained a strong point. He had been one of the stubborn Germans still holding out. His own gunfire had continued to ring out in hollow pops amid the flames. The American infantrymen had been ordered to burn out any resistance. “Burn out”, a battle phrase that simply meant to fight and kill them.

But he had not wanted to die. The day had been much too beautiful. He had not wanted this to be his last day to see the sun beaming down through the smoky haze of the bombs.

And he had not wanted to be taken from his unborn child.

The first shell from the clearing landed just beyond its target. The second clipped the side of the old building causing it to partially crumble. He had continued to fire in the direction of the hill, in true David vs. Goliath fashion. The third shell landed inside the building spraying brick and shrapnel into his body. He had not suffered-he’d died instantly, reassured another “morale woman” who had witnessed the scene while cowering behind cover across the shell-cratered street.
***********************

She knew his blue eyes had stared in a lifeless and fixed state. She knew his blood had trickled into the dust and debris around him. She had no way of knowing what had become of the body.

She became again aware of the black shiny gown resting upon her lap. She smiled softly as she admired the delicacy of the satin and crimson trim. The newness and beauty of it was so rare in these ugly days of war and hatred. French fashion had been nearly impossible to come by during the occupation years. He had brought it to her during the most difficult of times. He desperately had wanted to put a small light in her hellish young life since that they had all found out. After all he’d felt responsible for bringing all of this upon her. The smile faded; she knew it would never be worn.
******************************

The French Resistance thirsty for revenge, was fighting back. All who had ever been a threat to the French Cause were now going to answer for their disloyalty. France would punish her own traitorous citizens far more severely than any foreign prisoner could ever expect.

When they came for her she was ordered out into the street and she was told she could be joining the other collaborators. She was initially unsure of the meaning of that word.

She was now to pay her dues they had told her. She would be branded so that all would know her shame. She would wear the mark for defiling France and her God.

They would have ended the punishment with the sheering. Her hair had been shaven to the scalp leaving burns where the razor had scraped too closely. The man with the cigarette had watched to be sure that no growth remained; that she was left only with her humiliation. They would have stopped there.

The branding was to be her payment for her unspeakable immorality. No painted mark for her-she had crossed the line to earn any such mercy. Her hair had fallen in clumps around her and blown across the red bricked ground like fall leaves scattering in the wind. They had then approached her with the iron that had been smoldering in the coals which was to be her true keepsake from France.

It was thin but had been molded with precision. It had glowed slightly. She had screamed only once as it was seared quickly into her forehead. The true horror was not in the pain but in the putrid odor of her own burning flesh.

The man with the cigarette had smiled at her pain. “Wear it for all to see as you parade your bastard child through the streets” he had taunted her.
*****************************

The sudden squalling of the infant jarred her thoughts back into the present. He lay at her feet in the makeshift bed. There was to be no cradle for this babe of nearly 8 weeks. His face was reddening as if in anger-demanding his overdue feeding.

She lifted him from the old wooden drawer and placed him in the crook of her arm. His sobs quieted as he hungrily suckled at her breast. She smiled inwardly as she saw his father’s eyes. His silky down of black hair intensified the clear blueness of them. The irony of her child’s crowning glory while her own had been shaven to the skin briefly amused her.

They had not harmed him, this “German sired bastard”. Feigning compassion, they’d declared their quarrel had not been with the child. He was however to see the crossbars, the hated swastika from whence he came burned into his mother’s face-to stay for the duration of her years. “No painted mark for this one” hissed the man with the cigarette.

She thought of fleeing with the infant but the war was nearing its end and there was nowhere to run. She looked into the fractured mirror once again. Yes, when the locks reappeared with time, she would wear them as to cover the fading wound above her eyebrows.

Initial Impression: Not generally one for war stories - or romance, for that matter - I had to have an internal conversation with myself before deciding whether or not to review this. Glad I did, as I was immediately drawn into the story and enjoyed it very much. Your detail was impeccable; I enjoyed every word of the dialog. Awesome.

What Stood Out (Favorably): As mentioned above, your descriptions of the two lovers via narration and dialog was top notch; I could feel the emotion from beginning to the unfortunate end.

Characters: Feel like I was standing amongst them throughout; that's how vividly I saw them. I hurt each time the bad stuff happened; I felt their joy when the good stuff happened.

Story: The story model itself has been done a million times; two people of vastly different backgrounds falling in love. No matter; you told this with such skill I went back and read it again you did it so well. (Ah, to be able to paint a picture as skillfully as you...)

Background: Good enough for me to easily envision every scene in the story.

Dialog: "Very believable - I'm not an expert on the subject but I thought it both authentic and realistic. In other words, I bought what you were selling.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Other than my little rantings early on - and they were very minor so please don't take them any other way - I felt this was expertly written and a joy to read.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. When I say I wouldn't mind reading more of your stuff I'm actually being serious - I think you're quite gifted.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3865878

Review of Rue

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello there. Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story per your request. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

(Note: With relatively short works such as this I think it's just as easy to paste the entire story into the review and then insert my comments in a different color, like this, rather than trying to reference them by paragraph, etc.)

The scorched air seared the sheriff’s lungs, spawning coughs. Raw and burnt flesh coated his throat. Tears spilled upon his leathery cheeks, glimmering in the glow from the flames.

He struggled to rise and collapsed onto his side. The spreading darkness from his abdomen matched the swelling pain. His fingers dug into the dry earth beneath him, birthing trenches. (Two paragraphs in, I'm a bit concerned there might be too much emphasis on description - even 'over-description' if you know what I mean - and not enough on moving the story forward...)

His town was dead.

Flames licked the night sky, morphing the natural purple to a demon red. Tufting smoke swirled with malevolent fury; the bloating, savage darkness swallowed and encompassed all. Mirages of buildings flickered beneath the murderous fire. (Now, I'm even more concerned...)Bodies littered the ground in scattered heaps; the innocent as well as the sinners. A crumpled dirigible lay helpless beneath a deflated, smoldering gasbag. (For a tale seemingly set in the "Wild West", the presence of a dirigible doesn't really seem to fit. I'm no expert on the subject by any means, but I was under the impression that dirigibles were not in the United States until the late teens and really blossomed in World War I).

My town, the sheriff thought. My home.

Signs of panicked life popped in and out of his view: People screaming, clutching little ones and the last remnants of whatever meant the most to them. Wide eyes peered from ash-stained faces. Gaping mouths uttered cries of incomprehensible sorrow.

A lone man skulked in the chaos, arms raised against the flames. He spotted the sheriff, and hesitated. The figure petrified momentarily before cupping his hands around his mouth and calling out, “Sheriff! You dead?” (Personally, I like this, along with “Done kilt the sheriff,” below, as it adds to the logic of a simpler time - child-like innocence, especially with the "You dead?" question - very telling...)

The sheriff responded with a dry wheeze, which rewarded him with a sandpapery scraping along the inside of his throat.

The man loomed, walking slowly, his face childlike behind a thatchy beard. “Done kilt the sheriff,” the man breathed. The sheriff recognized him: he was the new banker, come all the way from Bedford.

A pair of men rushed past, dragging armloads of merchandise from the derelict remnants of the general store. The banker offered only a vacant stare at the affront; he was mesmerized by the eternal wall of flames. ('eternal wall of flames' just strikes me as a little over-the-top for the situation) The thieves rushed into an adjacent building – the livery stable – no doubt looking for more to loot. Fresh tears, these of frustration, sprang to life from the sheriff’s eyes. He was losing all he had sworn to protect.

The ground shivered, accompanied by a low, rumbling groan. Within seconds, the roof of the stable imploded, showering the inside with burning planks and hungry fire. The men screamed within, though not for long. (I assume you're meaning to say the men within (the stable) screamed; as written it appears the men are screaming internally.)

“My God,” murmured the banker, but his further commentary was interrupted by a sound like a thunderclap. His head snapped back, and his body tumbled in a heap, inches from the sheriff. A wet hole glistened in the center of his forehead, and his glassy eyes reflected the raging flames.

A flicker of darkness emerged from the chaos. It shimmered and trembled in the heated air, moving with ethereal and savage grace. The darkness solidified as it neared, merging from a formless obscurity to a man-shaped shade. It bore familiarity. (Up to here, I thought this paragraph was the narrator; not the sheriff, until I read the last sentence) His burning lungs were unable to thaw his suddenly frozen heart. (I particularly liked this sentence; well done)

Him.

The shadow form loped forward, a ravenous wolf cornering a wounded hare. The man wore only faded jeans and boots. Muscles bulged amidst the emaciation, trembling beneath skin the color of ink. Mismatched eyes seemed to glow from the dark skin. A revolver dangled in his grasp.

“Sheriff,” the Indigo Man growled.

“You were to hang,” the sheriff rasped, the words crumbling in his ashen throat. He floundered in the smoke and dust. His vacant gun belt offered no solace. He stared with hazy disbelief at the specter before him. “You were to hang.” It was the only thought that seemed capable of escaping him.

“You crossed me,” spat the Indigo Man, his features twisted with rage. “It didn’t have to happen in such a way. You all killed her. You all chose this path.”

He raised the gun. The sheriff stared into the barrel; it depths were limitless and brimming with despair. For the first time in years, his body quaked with fear.

The click of the hammer echoed amidst the roaring fire.

“She killed them boys,” the sheriff croaked. “You’n her both. She was an outlaw.” He trembled before the impending fit of coughs could escape him, and then spasmed with each horrible hack. Blood trickled onto his soot-drenched chin. “Outlaws get hung. Even the pretty ones. You reap what you sow.”

The flames raged behind him, crackling and hissing as they persisted in their feast of all. The moon winked from behind the wall of smoke, small and pale and alone. The sheriff’s eyes closed in silent prayer, and when they reopened, he found that nothing had changed.

“I’ve done many a good thing and many a bad in my time,” intoned the Indigo Man. “I’ve robbed and I’ve killed and I’ve bullied my way to where I am. Truth is, that’s the only way to live in this place. The only difference between us is I don’t wear a star on my chest.”

The sheriff said nothing, and trembled as pale teeth peeked from behind the dark skin.

“Welcome to the reaping,” snarled the Indigo Man; there was a sound like the world splitting apart, and then darkness.

Initial Impression: I really enjoyed this story; and I like your writing style. I think your early paragraphs may be a bit top-heavy in what - to me, anyway - is perhaps termed 'over-done description'. In other words, I think it's important to keep the story moving; to me it seems that early on you became more concerned with clever background than with story. Later on, I think you had a better balance as I didn't feel like the story was taking a back seat to description.

What Stood Out (Favorably): The above criticism aside, you certainly know how to tell a tale - and tell it well. I enjoyed reading it; you had me wanting to see if the sheriff was going to somehow weasel out of certain death or bite the bullet - literally.

Characters: You painted a vivid picture of the sheriff, the banker, and Indigo Man. I could see quite clearly the events as they transpired.

Story: The basic premise: 'evil vs. good in the old west - with the line between the actual good and the actual evil perhaps somewhat blurred - has certainly been done before. However, it was written with the skill that keeps a reader focused on the story regardless of the outcome.'

Background: Very detailed, and as mentioned previously, perhaps to an unnecessary degree, but there was no question about the environment or setting.

Dialog: Told with a western flair; I 'spect it 'peared dang accurate to me.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I should mention a couple of things about my review of this story:

1) I noticed you have other chapters featuring the Indigo Man; I made it a point to NOT read anything else you'd written as I wanted to give you my thoughts about this standing all on its own; I didn't want other information to perhaps influence me one way or the other.

2) This is important for you to realize: I am often criticized in my own writing for not offering enough information about my characters; I've always been more of a 'story guy' than a 'character guy' - for whatever that's worth. I've really tried to add more about my characters in recent past, and I'm actually starting to like it (a little) but the point is, I tend to be more 'story heavy' than some. I'm not saying it's right - I'm just saying that's me and it's part of my perspective - for better or worse. I'm just throwing that out there should you think I'm a bit wacky.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Like I said earlier; I like the way you spin a yarn; you have an engaging, enjoyable style. Hope there's something here you find helpful...

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3841477

Review of Hajimete no Koi ga Owaru Toki

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello there. Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story per your request. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: At first glance I rolled my eyes for a second...Oh no!....Not poetry - no, make that free verse poetry - which is even worse - to boot!

Having said that, I will now admit (but don't tell anyone I said this) that I thought you pulled this off quite nicely. I may be wrong here, but I took the person in poem and contrasted her 'dreamy' or perhaps 'rooted in the past' personality with the more 'set in reality' narrator in the story, and saw pretty much differing views, which I assume is exactly what you were shooting for here.

What Stood Out (Favorably): As you probably have gathered by now, I'm not terribly into free-verse poetry, and it pains me to say this, but you did a nice job here, in particular the incorporation of the poetry with your story.

Certainly, this was written - and certainly read like - something which came from the heart (although I hope for your sake - at least in terms of being real - it hadn't)!

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: The second sentence in the first paragraph was a bit much for me. I'm probably something of an oddball in this regard, but I think sometimes writers can get caught up in the usage of metaphors and the like; to the detriment of their message at times. Fortunately, (for me, anyway) you toned it down after the first paragraph and simply told the story - which you did nicely, by the way.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I enjoy your style of writing; you know how to tug at the heartstrings of the reader seemingly without much effort - I was just sort of swallowed by the story before I knew it - and I thought you did a nice job. Thank you for sharing...

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

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14 days may be credited.

#3827501

Review of Forsaken

Review by Indelible Ink

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello there, . Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing the poem you mentioned. I sincerely hope this will be of some benefit to you

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: It's always fairly easy to recognize that which comes straight from the heart. Unfortunately, sometimes the message isn't all that optimistic or encouraging. The thing is - in this case - it's not supposed to be. It describes a situation which anyone who is in - or has been in - a long-term relationship would probably agree is one of the most devastating possibilities of such relationships: infidelity, and the lying & cheating which goes hand-in-hand with same.

What Stood Out (Favorably): Again, this is a very emotional poem. While this is a scenario which most would never wish upon another human being for obvious reasons, the author allows to take a peak into her heart, and experience along with her the anguish associated with a long-term relationship which went south. If you can read this poem without the slightest hint of emotional reaction, you haven't taken the time to digest the message. I think the author did an awesome job of conveying her experience poetically; something I'm certain most of us would really struggle with...

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I'm not what you would consider a 'serious' poet - the vast majority of poems I read fail to elicit much of a reaction out of me one way or the other. Consequently, I very seldom review a poem. This is one of those rare exceptions, as it got through to me quite convincingly, and I urge anyone with even a cursory interest in poetry to give it a read. They won't be sorry.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

38

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14 days may be credited.

#3824837

Review of The Neighbour

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello there, Jayne Regan

. Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Jayne, I really enjoyed reading this story. I thought it was fast-paced, and though it was just a little predictable, you did such a good job with the presentation that it still creeped me out.

What Stood Out (Favorably): You did a nice job painting a picture of Justin - who was quite the 'charmer,' wasn't he? Ditto with Jessie - I sensed her increasing level of uneasiness when she broke her cell phone, and the shower scene had me thinking of Janet Leigh in Hitchcock's Psycho - which is not a bad place to be, by the way.

Story: As I alluded to earlier, I was certain Justin & Jessie were going to meet again - and not just for tea and crumpets. Again, you set a high level of suspense early with Rob's note on the fridge and then you painted Justin as an anti-social sort with implied emotional issues - which soon came to pass! The pace was rapid and never seemed to bog down anywhere.

I did like the ending, which apparently someone suggested to you - it reinforced just how much danger the leading lady was in. (So I'm not sure it was actually necessary for you to mention it right at the end).

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Nice job. How come I don't see more of this in your port?

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Yes - I mean it - write some more of this stuff. I think you're pretty damn good.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824832

Review of The Wooden Pen

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello there, dddreamcat! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Absolutely loved this. No doubt a bit biased, as I really love the 'Serling-esque/Hitchcockonian' manner in which this gem was written. There were a couple of minor issues, along with the not-spacing-between-paragraphs thing, but it really doesn't impact how much I like this. Nice job.

What Stood Out (Favorably): I loved the way you set this up. Normally, I feel I can spot plot twists a mile away; never saw the Small Pox /plane crash thing coming. (I love it when that happens). The conversation with Katy's sister Connie, and with Tibbens provided a great deal of info about the protagonist; could empathize heartily with the poor girl.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: There are a few hiccups along the way, but nothing which seriously confuses the issue.

1) I think your story - as well as all stories - benefit from proper spacing between paragraphs. No exception here - it's simply easier to read along (especially on a computer screen) without one losing his/her place.

2) Early on - after these two sentences: "A tall muscular man with black and grey curly hair. He shook her hand." You start a pair of sentences which could stand to be capitalized. I think there were at least one or two other instances farther down, too.

3) "Sally don't you remember, that every Hallows eve since 1904,(sp)one of us gets to pick out a life of someone who died and live out there their last day?" I'd also probably insert a comma after Sally, and dump the one after remember - I think if would flow much better.

There are other instances where I think the insertion of a comma (or deletion of same) would help. But I'm not going to jump all over you for that - I like the story too much...

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Good stuff - I'll have to rummage through your port again some time to see what other gems I can come up with. Thanks for sharing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Indelibleink Laughing Guy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

40

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824831

Review of Afraid

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hello there, Demyx Fairchild

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: I like your imagination. I can tell you like to write horror - with a bit of romance mixed in, no? You like to describe the action in some detail, which is good.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Take this sentence: "She was covered with the most minimal amount of modesty." (I dare you to say that fast ten times)! Seriously, though, a number of unnecessary words here - not to mention a massive tongue-twister. How about, "She was modestly clothed."? Direct, to the point, and eliminates some of the redundancy. There are a number of places in the story where you 'over-describe' a scenario. Somewhere else, I remember you describing her perception of castles now as 'bad evil things." In this case, I think one or the other (bad or evil) might suffice.

Here are my biggest criticisms:

1) "Her body was torn apart, she was hanging onto life by a thread." That's your second sentence in the story. Somehow, though, throughout the rest of the story, Lisa was able to converse with no problem. In other words, her mannerisms didn't coincide with your earlier description, if you know what I mean.

2) And then, the so-called 'hero' of the day, Tristan, who was a real-life cop, and 'rescued' Lisa? Here's my question: This guy - again, a cop, mind you - waited for two whole years for the 'right' time to rescue Lisa?
And, apparently the only reason the time was 'right' was because the captor died (presumably from old age)? This cop was aware of Lisa's location, and with an entire police force at his disposal, still waited - while Lisa was being beaten & tortured and Lord only knows what else was happening - for two years? Good thing Lisa's captor wasn't in his twenties when this went down, or we'd still be waiting for Eliott Ness there to make his move.

It's not realistic, particularly when the family is incredibly grateful and Lisa's mother tells Tristan, "You're pleasant." I'm not sure, given the circumstances, you'd ever hear something like that. I think you have to play some of this over in your mind, and try to think of what they might say on CSI, or something like that, to make the sentence plausible.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I noticed you're new here. Welcome to WDC - I think you'll find many helpful folks here, along with many writing resources at your disposal. I wish you the best with your writing endeavors.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

41

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14 days may be credited.

#3824829

Review of Feed them, my dear.

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello there, JubeCube ~ official homeowner!

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Do you mean to tell me you knocked that thing out in an hour? That impresses the hell out of me! Definitely one of the easier 5.0's I've ever given.

What Stood Out (Favorably): You tell the tale so well - so convincingly - I feel I'm right there observing your own personal horror. You have to have a pretty demented mind to come up with - not just the story - but the vivid detail and imagery - but I absolutely love it. Really, I just went over to the Daily Slice to see how you fared - and it's borderline criminal that you were the only contestant and didn't get the victory you so richly deserved.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I don't know - maybe you stumbled somewhere in the story - but if you did, I sure didn't pick up on it.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I really, really like this. So, howsa come I haven't seen more of your creations around here? You definitely have a lot to offer...

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

42

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14 days may be credited.

#3824828

Review of A Tragic Misstep

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello there, A. L. Silver

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: A very personalized look at a young woman plagued by an eating disorder (and the peripheral problems which accompany it). I know very well how the mind can distort one's reality and provide the rationale for someone to do something they might - under 'normal' circumstances - never consider.

What Stood Out (Favorably): You provide plenty of descriptive detail which reinforce the horrors of the journey into your own private hell. Certainly, one begins to empathize with your plight very early on.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I think sometimes a writer can become overly consumed by the idea of writing with, for example, symbols/metaphors to such extent it begins to cloud the impact of the underlying message itself - sometimes to its own detriment.

I feel that may be the case here. Particularly early on, in the first two paragraphs, it just strikes me as a bit overdone. While I certainly am no Rhodes Scholar, I like to think my command of the English language is sufficient enough to allow me to read most of what is written with a minimum of confusion. In this case, I found it necessary to go back and re-examine what I'd just read to make sure I was getting the message being sent.

Compounding the matter was the fact that in some instances, the sentence(s) which followed was/were written in the same way. At the very least, the reader should be allowed some time to come up for air. (Translation: Don't go back-to-back with symbolism - it can get confusing).

It's like a master artist who has painted a true work of beauty, but is not satisfied with that; he continually finds it necessary to add some detail here - embellish something there - etc. Suddenly, he realizes his original masterpiece is no longer visible, having been consumed by all of his so-called improvements. Maybe not the best example - but it's the best I could think of. The point being: Don't let your desire to paint a perfect picture destroy your original intent.

Having said all that, there are many writers/readers here who I think love the very thing I'm criticizing, so don't let my reaction throw you. I just don't fancy it the way some others might.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do.There's no question you have a very solid foundation as a writer. You're new to WDC and I'd like to welcome you here!

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824826

Review of Finding Treasure

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there, E E Coder

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Nice, unassuming - yet unsettling - tale about a kid forced to babysit his kid sister as Mom prepares lunch while visiting the beach. I liked this quite a bit.

What Stood Out (Favorably): It can be difficult - at least it is for me - to set up any story and add a dose of horror with such a restricted word count. I thought you did so with impressive ease - I found it to be a fun read.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Hard to find anything to moan about here...all I can say is, "Keep it up!"

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Nice job, and thanks for sharing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824822

Review of The Woods

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello there, fishercollins! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: I like the way you presented this - for the most part. Good story-telling here, and doing a nice job of lulling the reader into thinking that Mitchell's only concern was his over-active imagination. At least, that's where I was before you lowered the boom. I thought you played that well.

What Stood Out (Favorably): Good detail on the insight provided into the boy's thoughts - as well as the history of - the woods. You built it all up innocently enough until the end - Mitchell's end! The thoughts of stuff happening early on - all which proved to be just his imagination...guess that wasn't entirely the case, huh?

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Early on, I picked up on a pattern to your writing style (for this story, anyway): You'd write a paragraph of a number of sentences, and then, BOOM! - a solitary sentence all by itself, which I have to assume was meant for impact, yes? I'm guessing this as it appears you tried to make these 'stand-alone' sentences carry more weight than the others.

Here's my opinion on that: Done a few times in a story, you will achieve those results; the stand-alone will also stand out. But, as is the case with most anything that's done often & indiscriminately, you soon lose the impact value you are looking for. Your story is strong enough to stand on its own - you don't need something catchy every so often to keep the reader's attention.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I notice you're new to the site. Welcome - I think you'll like it here...

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

45

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14 days may be credited.

#3824821

Review of He's Back

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello there, Diane

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Wow! Pretty intense. All I can say is that must have been one lousy movie the family was watching to elicit a reaction like that! My guess it just had to have been a Stallone flick...Rambo? Rocky?

No - in a more serious vein - I thought you did a very nice job of increasing my blood pressure under very limiting word count restrictions. That's very tough for most people to do - especially for a master of the run-on sentence such as myself - hope you did well in the contest, as you deserved to.

What Stood Out (Favorably): You took us to Meg's panicked state immediately, and never let up until the very end. I enjoyed it immensely. Obviously, to accomplish this task with such a restrictive word count, every word needs to matter, and I didn't see where you wasted much in that regard. Well done.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Don't ask me why this bugs me (maybe it doesn't, and I'm simply wallowing in the joy of being presented the opportunity of taking a shot at a red suitcase; I'll have to ask my therapist), but I don't think I've ever considered someone trying to cover either someone else's - or her own - mouth with a fist. I can see an open hand, or a cupped hand, or maybe even a dusty old issue of TV Guide , but I've never thought 'fist'....

For whatever that's worth.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Seriously, again, I thought you did a nice job with this.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#3824818

Review of Chapter 1

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello there, Kate Reznik

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Okay, I went into this baby - admittedly - slightly dubious, as I noted the first chapter had been started about 7 years ago, and there was no reference to any chapters after that. So I figured it had to be pretty lousy if you hadn't continued the thing.

So, I must admit to being pleasantly surprised when I read the chapter. I thought it was well written and entertaining. So why did you pull the plug on it?

What Stood Out (Favorably): The brief description under the title asks "Who is the Revenant?" and NOT "Who is James?" so I figured from the onset that poor Mr. James was running - literally - on borrowed time. Regardless, I enjoyed the chase - I thought your descriptions were well done and with a bit of flair; the pace was fast, and I was disappointed when the chapter was over. Could easily have read further - had there been more.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I think you could use something other ther than the '<' or '>' signs to designate the protagonist's thoughts. With all of those 'greater than' or 'less than' signs I was starting to flash back to some of my old math classes - and I sure as heck don't need to do that! Use italics or even quotes - but the math signs look awkward.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. So, inquiring minds want to know: Who IS the Revenant? (That's a cool name, by the way). Write more so I can find out more about this bad boy!

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

47

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824815

Review of White Top Mountain

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello there, BaileyJames

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Loved the way you set it up. You really creeped me out with what I thought was an exemplary build-up. Then, 'boom' - you let the air out of the balloon with barely a whimper. What I'm saying is, you built up this exchange between Andy and the 'demon of fear' (I had to call it something), and we come to expect a confrontation of some sort, so you can't then just say, "Demon won....end of story!" Which, in essence, is what you did do.

Picture yourself sitting around a dark room, telling that story to a group of people. Think how you made everyone around you super-nervous with the details about Andy slowly having a nervous breakdown, and the Demon so powerful...

They would not have been happy campers without some kind of showdown or something!

What Stood Out (Favorably): Again, the build-up was terrific.
I was getting sweaty palms myself from reading it, and I just love that sensation. You take your reader to that level and then, something's gotta give, man!

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: How about something like this: The demon keeps adding more and more details about how Andy's wife and kid died, and he keeps reiterating there was 'nothing more he could do' to help them (in whatever manner they died). The demon keeps adding more and more details (and the demon's loving this all the way) about how they died, and suddenly Andy comes to realize that HE WAS responsible for their deaths; one of the reasons we went to the isolation of White Top Mountain was so he could forget that he COULD have saved their lives, but cowardice in some form prevented it from happening. It could then end with him walking out into the blizzard without a coat or anything so death would 'take him for his sins' of something equally creepy. Know what I'm sayin' here? You obviously have the talent to write it, my friend, so just do it!

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I feel much better having gotten that off my chest. Hope it's some help to you - in some twisted fashion!

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824812

Review of Tangled Webs

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello there, Iva Lilly Durham

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Loved the plot. However, the format of the tale - more of a newspaper time-line than a story - took much of the emotion out of it. If I'm not mistaken, I don't think there was one line of dialog in the entire thing. I think it probably would have benefited - greatly - had you personalized this - at least a little bit.

What Stood Out (Favorably): Again, the whole premise was excellent: Brilliant doctor with the motivation (at least to him) and the means to get rid of his wife. As the title implies, unforeseen things have a way of popping up and backfiring, as is the case here.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: I think a good story could easily have been great has you introduced some more emotion - in the form of glimpses into the personalities of the main characters - into the story. Such an emotional roller-coaster shouldn't be left to determine its own destiny, if you get my point.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. It's a good story - as witnessed by the awardicon - and I thank you for sharing...

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

49

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824810

Review of Trip To Pavandong

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello there, swati

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: The good news is that you have a vivid imagination - and that's a start. You also have a fairly good idea of how a story should generally progress - also good to know.

What Stood Out (Favorably): You have a general grasp of how a story should flow, and identified your characters and added dialog to add some life to your story.

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: There are a plethora of issues here; I'll address those I feel are the most prominent:

1) A single exclamation point ('!') is all that's necessary to to indicate a level of excitement; using three - or four - or five - isn't generally recommended - it doesn't increase the excitement level any. In other words - show that level of excitement with your words; don't rely on a lousy symbol to do it for you. In fact, there are some writers who refuse to use an exclamation point at all - they consider it a unnecessary crutch.

2) Look at this sentence, for example: "As the darkness descended, the surroundings became even more scary than before." Telling your reader that the surrounding are scarier won't cut it; you need to show the reader it's scary, or the reader won't buy it.

3) Make sure your sentences have some logic to them. For example, look: "They were in their Land Cruiser..." Literally, this implies that the five of them each pitched in 20% for the Land Cruiser. Not likely, and I doubt you meant it that way, so just say, "They were in Joe's Land Cruiser..."

4) Right after a paragraph where their vehicle was flipped over, and they were all praying, you followed with this: "It was complete darkness and they all passed out…………………." Now, one moment they're all terrified - the next they all take a snooze - in unison. If that is actually the case, you have to provide at least a hint of justification for them all going nighty-nite together. Have a witch behind a tree throwing spells in their general direction, or something. Present it so the reader will say, "Ah-hah" when something like that occurs; and not "No way!"

5) There are multiple instances where you begin dialog without capital letters, or ask questions without using question marks. Try to be more consistent in that regard.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. Keep working at it - it will come. The more you practice - the quicker you'll get there. Pretty profound, eh? No, seriously, stick with it and you'll get there. That's what my wife tells me. Thanks for sharing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824808

Review of Prigioniera

Review by Indelible Ink

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello there, CJ Reddick

! Indelible Ink

here. I'm reviewing your story because I'm participating in the Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre and happened upon this item. Here's hoping my review is of some value to you.

Keep in mind that I'm not a reviewing professional. Actually, I'm not even a writing professional, either. So please do not feel offended if my views don't coincide with yours - this writing thing can be pretty humbling for even the best of writers. With that in mind, let's proceed to the feedback...

Initial Impression: Well done! Noticed you had gotten an Honorable Mention in a recent Twisted Tales Contest - one of my favorites - so was curious just how you managed that. I love tales with surprise endings, and you didn't disappoint!

What Stood Out (Favorably): You told your story quickly, convincingly, and with a minimum of words. I had no problem whatsoever visualizing your characters or their environment; it moved with a good pace: MY kind of story! Masterful the way you set up the ending. I pride myself on figuring out twists - can honestly say I never saw that one coming. Congrats!

What might I suggest for improvement? Please know that any criticism(s) are offered in the spirit of helping a fellow writer: Not much - although I prefer that you space between paragraphs - simply makes reading easier. Nothing else to squawk about - good stuff.

Best advice I can give: Keep writing. (Duh.) That's far and away the best thing a writer - at any level - can do. I'm glad I stumbled across this little gem. Thanks for sharing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT THIS REVIEW - AS PART OF A CONTEST SPONSORED BY THE DARK SOCIETY - MAY HAVE BEEN DONE AS EARLY AS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO THE FEBRUARY 14TH 'MASSACRE' DAY WHEN IT WAS RELEASED AS A PUBLIC REVIEW. CONSEQUENTLY, IF YOU'VE MADE CHANGES TO THIS STORY RECENTLY, IT'S INDEED POSSIBLE THIS REVIEW MAY VERY WELL HAVE OCCURRED PRIOR TO THOSE CHANGES.

Final disclaimer ('Bout time, huh?): I sincerely hope this review has been of some benefit to you. If my review was less-than-flattering, just consider the source. And lastly, if I have succeeded in agitating you to the point of retaliation, I do apologize, but please make note of my address below, visit my port, and "let me have it."

Indelible Ink
indelibleink.writing.com

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Image #1614214 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .