This is a sad poem about a little girl who tries so hard to make her parents happy and yet they continue to yell and get mad at her. The rhyme and rhythm of the poem is consistant and the words can be very heart wrenching. Only suggestion I have is to perhaps break it up into 4 line stanza's. That will leave the last stanza as just 2 lines, but I think that would be acceptable.
I love the line towards the end, will they ever give me a hug? Will they give me a kiss? It just paints a picture of a little girl desperate for love. Sad.
Hello and welome to writing.com! My name is Jezri and I am giving you a review on behalf of the {item: 1516434}.
Your poem, "Like a Glove" is about love that is constantly in conflict, yet somehow manages to survive and grow. You use the image of a glove to describe how the love fits.
I found the poem a little confusing because you kept using words that described how the two lovers would argue, were mad at each other, blaming each other, but were so in love. I think you were trying to show that love can survive all things, including conflict, but without including descriptions of good times too it sounds like all they do is fight and blame each other.
I do like the way you kept ending with love, (and we are so in love).
Hello! This is a beautiful poem that depicts the strong bond between a mother and her child, and especially I think between a mother and daughter. I loved reading this and how you show the relationship changed over the years, first as your child, then daughter and eventually friend. While some might have trouble understanding the difference between child and daughter, because she was a daughter as a child, I know, because I have 3 daughters, but under a certain age, they are just all kid.
I think my favorite part is the lines where she came in, (born) kicking and screaming. She fights on.
The thing I like least is the sentences seem to be rather choppy. But that can be fixed with a little work.
All in all I enjoyed this poem and look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing this with us and welcome to writing.com!
Hello and welcome to writing.com! I wish you lots of luck in the contest you wrote this for.
I can just imagine the frustration that Herbert must ahve felt trying to get the robot to work. I can't even program a simple VCR. Oh wait, they're DVDE players no, lol.
I think this story is pretty good, but the dialogue was just a little off. For example, I think, and of course this is just my opinion, that in a future where robots are created to help us out, the grammar would be programmed in a little better. I just can't picture a futuristic robot saying, I is made to work for you sir.
I did find the ending to be perfect and thought it funny and enjoyable.
This is a beautiful poem that reminds us all to slow down, turn off the outside world and just reflect on what is in our minds. I love the words and the way the poem just seems to flow from beginning to end. I know that one of the purposes of reviewing is to offer suggestions for improvement but honestly, as is usual with this authors work, I can find nothing to improve upon! Great job and thank you for sharing this with us. I enjoyed every minute. Now, to go turn off my t.v. . . .
This was a beautiful story, telling how someone who once had been so adamant that there was no God found his way to salvation. I am not ashamed to say it brought tears to my eyes. God can work miracles in many ways and I believe this visit in the middle of the night was one of them.
Now, onto the technical part of the review. I did find a few typo's. Not many.
He wasn't one of those quitequiet Atheist that would stay to himself.
If you don't have hope you can not have faith cannot, one word
Thank you so much for sharing this with the rest of us.
This story put me completely in mind of my youngest daughter, who, while claiming to be a princess, and always wanting to wear dresses, is the first one to jump into the mud. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to tell her, bugs stay outside! The ending of this is priceless and shows the love of cousins.
There were a few places where I thought commas shoulod have been used, but I have at times been told I can over use those, (while at other times been told I don't use enough,) so I will just leave it be. Thank you for sharing this with us and welcome to writing.com!
Did it occur to you that the ad's are not on your friends membership but yours? You see the ads because you do not pay for a membership, but are receiving it for free. When you view someone elses writing, including a paying member, you see ad's. I pay for my membership and the only ad's I see are geared towards writing. One liners that say things like free lance writing. They don't even count as ad's to me, just a link to someplace a writer may be interested in. After all, that is why most of us are here, to look for support with out writing. But in order for a site as big as this to support free memberships, it has to offer advertising. If you don't want to view ad's, the answer is simple, pay for a membership. Otherwise it is a small price to pay to find such a wonderful community as this,
As a side note, I followed a link for a story you wrote to your portfolio. The story is skeleton. You removed it and it refused me access, but I was curious as to what kind of a writer you are. It sounded interesting. If you are truely interested in sharing your work I would be more than happy to read it.
Hello! First, I would like to welcome you to writing.com. You will find no shortage of support and encouragement within the walls of this community.
Quite honestly, there is a lot of potential with this poem if you would put more into it. You start with asking the mirror to reveal your insecurities, yet then you don't follow up with any insecurities being revealed. Then you go on to ask the mirror to tell how you was to fail, but there is no story there of failure, just the ending that you are no more. Why are you no more? What insecurities caused the failure and ultimate demise. There is so much potential to add to this.
The rhyme and meter are good. I think if you took the time to add to the poem, develop the tale, you would have a good poem.
Thank you for sharing this with us all. If you decide to work on developing this poem more let me know and I will be glad to givce it a second look!
Now I have to say this story, about a middle aged woman, single mother, and a supposed secret admirer has such a wonderful twist at the end that I honestly didn't see it coming. Like Melanie, I was hoping for someone rich and handsome, though I suspected less rich and handsome. The final letter at the end was delicious and I can't help but wonder what Mary Anne had done thirty years before to deserve it.
I did find a few typos, which I have listed below. Thank you so much for sharing this and I look forward to reading more.
Jezri
Mary Anne finished typing a reply to an enraged costomercustomerand turned to Melanie.
"I don't know." Mary Anne paused. "I wishedwish I never got this note."
Mary Anne sighed and glanced up athat the clock ticking above the door
Who hasn't seen the ad's on t.v. Have you or a loved one been diagnosed with Mesothelioma? Those ad's with the sleazy lawyers trying to make a fast buck off of someone elses misery make me sick. And unfortunately they seem to have a wide market to feed off of because of reports that mesothelioma seems to be on the rise.
The author of this informative article lists a variety of sources of this form of cancer and gives a brief history to its beginnings, even providing links at the end for refrences.
I found this article to be veryn informative, including how the twin towers had been filled with asbestos. All I could think is, My God, they, (terrorists) might not have brought us to our knees on 9/11 but they may just kill us off yet. But not before the lawyers suck us dry.
Thank you for sharing this with us all. It will certainly give me something to think about if I ever decide to travel abroad.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is a great place to write and I hope you find all the support and encouragement here that I have.
I enjoyed reading your poem, "My New Son" . I think it beautifully describes a mothers love for her child. There is nothing like it.
There are a few places where I think the meter is off a bit, but as poetry is very subjective, this is just my opinion. You can feel free to ignore any suggestions I may have. However, I think that in the first stanza where you say,
Holding you close in my arms,
vowing to keep you safe from harm.
it would benefit if you changed in my arms to within my arms
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
In this story, a grandfather weaves a magical tale, explaining to his 4 year old granddaughter how a dishwasher works. Throughout the story the dishes go on a magical adventure, dancing and laughing upon a sandy beach and swimming in the ocean as they are cleaned. At the end of the story, the little girl helps un load the dishwasher and the grandfather discovers an unexpected surprise and the realization that sometimes magic does happen.
I loved every bit of this story, from the very beginning to the unexpected ending. I only have one suggestion. In the line:
Clinking together, the hot sand scrubs them clean with the hot sand.
In my opinion I thing the last four words can be removed, as it seems a bit redundant.
Other than that, I think this story is perfect and the ending couldn't have been any better! Keep up the great writing. I look forward to reading more.
This essay written on the importance of doing homework versus playing the game of Sims gives a look into the life of a man, who has signed up for a college course and fails to do his homework and study because of his addiction to Sims. I have played Sims before. I thought it was boring, but the author of this essay and apparantly from its popularity, so do a lot of people.
I could actually relate to this though, because I have a 15 year old daughter who continuously fails to do her homework, instead choosing the internet and chatting with her friends, or the t.v. Fortunately I ahve options, such as banning her use of these devises until her work is done. A grown man is his own concience.
A few errrors I found are listed below. Thank you so much for sharing this and good luck with your future homework.
Jezri
or that they can go out to the pictures and you actually seem them date and things like that see{/blue}
This sentence seems rather long and awkward:
I do understand why I have to try and make sure that I stay ahead of it, because if I don’t I get further behind and people who rely on me to get certain bits of information can’t and find themselves lacking it because I didn’t pull up my end.
First, I would like to welcome you to Writing.com. I hope you find all the help and support here that every writer needs in perfecting their craft.
The story you have weaved tells the tale of a young girl raised in a strict religious fashion, living among nuns and being punished whenever she questions any of their beliefs in anyway. And yet through it all she never seems to lose her faith, even when she does sometimes fall into doubt.
I think this is a wonderful story and I didn't find many errors. A good place to start would be to seperate the paragraphs by putting a space inbetween them. This is due to the way the stories format on here.
In the first line you do not capitalize God.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Iook forward to reading more of your work.
This is a humerous telling of a lunch gone wrong. The author describes the pains that were taken to impress her guest, the author of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. with her culinary skills and an attempt to interview him. From the beginning she couldn't get him to sit still or show an interest in her food. I laughed at the description of him as a hyperactive furniture-climbing writer who talked nonsense nonstop.
"Julian's Secret" is a retelling of Alice in wonderland through the eyes of a 12 year old boy. In this version, Julian finds a tiny door in a tree and with the use of some modern day equipment, sets out to investigate, meeting a little girl and her cat along the way and of course a classic run in with a very angry Queen.
This story is full of images appropriate for young children and is sure to spark the imagination. I didn't notice any errors and my only complaint is that it didn't last long enough. The original tale had all kinds of characters that Alice met along the way and while some of them are mentioned, such as the rabbit, it is only briefly. There is a twist at the end though that I like and leaves the reader wondering, dream or not?
Thank you for sharing this with us. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I love a good vampire story and this one not only is good, it's great! I love the idea of the snake as the original vampire and Eve his first victim. Congratulations, you are this years winner in "Invalid Item" . I will be sending your merit badge and award icon to you shortly. Thank you so much for your entry!
intriguing shape and I am sure hard to arrange the letters. I found it a littel confusing, but nonetheless, interesting. The poem seems to indicate a young life, with the promise of a wonderful future and then tradgedy as it is all taken away. The ending is very descriptive. I like the image of a slamming door.
This poem is cute, depicting life with teenagers and how they seem to take over everything, even the phone,. I loved the lines about the holes in jeans and missing hairbrush. I am forever trying to find a brush, and I swear we have 10. The meter seems to be off in a few places.
They ripped holes in my jeans and called it 'the style'.
The sleeves of my shirts lay there in a pile.
My jewelry was gathered and worn off to school.
"Mom doesn't care...Plus...I need to look cool."
The second line seems off a bit. Maybe something like, The sleeves of my shirts were tossed in a pile.
Nothing was sacred, not even my space.
Gone were my hairbrush and make-up case.
The TV remote had found some new hands.
The CD player blared with head-banger bands.
Again, while I love the words, the meter seems to be off a bit in the second line. In this case, maybe just changing the wording a bit may help. Gone were my hairbrush, makeup and case.
This is a beautiful poem about love, hope, friendship and family. The thoughts within are clear and create a wonderful image.
My favorite line is in the last stanza:
A realization comes over me...
the Past cannot be changed,
but it needs to be remembered.
I must firmly grasp what I have now,
or all hope for the Future is lost...
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have no suggestions for change or improvement because I think it is perfect as is.
Well written, the rhyme and rhyrhm flow easily. Puts me in mind of a Steven King novel, where the people of a town go about their business, blissfully unaware of the beast that waits to devour them. Thank you so much for sharing this.
This is a fun and entertaining read that carries the reader into the realm of fairies and more. Written in celebration of WDC's 8th birthday, it includes names of another authors stories, that when put together help create a facinating world. I not only enjoyed the rhyming and the rhythm of this story, I enjoyed clicking on the links and delving deeper into this hidden world. The only suggestion I have is that perhaps the story should be put into stanza's, helping the reader follow the rhyme a little better.
Such as:
It happened once upon a time, not long ago,
or maybe just yesterday, in another land I know.
I fell asleep ‘neath a mighty oak
and when my eyes opened, I know not where I woke.
Somehow I had stumbled about in my sleep
and slipped "Underground" where the toadstools weep.
"The Meadow" was dressed in poppies and maize
and a nightmare on legs welcomed my gaze.
A short, but cute poem. Anyone who has ever been around a child when their blankey has gone missing knows what a tradgedy that can be. With the exeptions of a few spelling errors, I think this poem is perfect.
My blankey is gone,
Everything has gone wrong,
I sleep and play,
But not today,
As iI search about,
I prance and pout,
Where is my blankey?,
He's been in my hand,
I newknew he was there!,
Just like what happened to my teddy bear....
Jezri
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