Hey!
This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!
Initial hook: Hi Lynda, you asked me to stop by with a review of this piece for you, so here I am! It's an interesting title. The only thing is I'd suggest capitalisation and get rid of the full stop at the end of it. It will make it look like this:
War and the Men who Fight it
Storyline: This tells the story of Sarge and his platoon. They have been caught, trapped and are facing the enemy. They don't think they're going to last when help suddenly arrives. It's an original idea and it flowed well.
Characters: There are several characters within this short story. Other than knowing the Sarge was the main character and that we were following him, I found it quite difficult to differentiate between the soldiers. They all respected him and took their orders but apart from names, I couldn't tell them apart. I know this is a short piece so I think that's okay but if you did want to make it clear that they're different people, you could try putting some information in about appearance of certain aspects of personality.
Setting: I'm not really sure where this took place. I get the impression it may have been in the desert but that may also by my preconceived ideas. I would suggest adding in more info throughout this piece to hint at the reader where they are. What's the atmosphere like? Is it hot or cold? Is it windy? What's the ground like? Have they got any worries like a water supply?
Atmosphere/tone: This is quite an action filled story but I didn't quite feel the tension I thought should have been there. The pacing was right, it was quick and I think that worked well, but I think letting the reader get into the Sarge's mind more would have helped. You could include more internal diaogue, emotions and physical reactions to help the reader understand him and his environment.
Dialogue: I noticed that most of this story is dialogue driven. While this is fine, I would say I think you need some more speech tags in there so the reader is clear who is talking and when. I also noticed you used a lot of exclamation points in speech. While it's fine to use these they're for effect so the more you start using them the less affective they become. I'd suggest a read through to get rid of some of them.
A few suggestions I had:
Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear
"This is my wife and new baby daughter!" He said with pride. I'm going home next month. No more tours for me. I've never seen my little girl."
When there is a speech tag which tells the reader how something is said, it needs to begin with a lower case letter. You also have continued speech here so you need another opening quotation mark.
"This is my wife and new baby daughter!" he said with pride. "I'm going home next month. No more tours for me. I've never seen my little girl."
He look at the young soldier and thought, son, don't get your hopes up right now.
Here it should be 'looked'. I'd also suggest that where we're seeing the narrators internal thoughts you put it into italics so it stands out a little more.
He looked at the young soldier and thought, son, don't get your hopes up right now.
Yes Sir Sarge!
This should have a comma before the Sarge is addressed.
Yes Sir, Sarge!
"Yes Sir Sarge.,
There's just an extra comma here where it isn't needed. I'd also put one before he is addressed.
"Yes Sir, Sarge.
Brady, you come with me." Ryan said.
This should be a comma at the end of the speech rather than a full stop as a speech tag follows it.
Brady, you come with me," Ryan said.
Looks like were in for a long night," The Sarge said
This should be a lower case letter after the speech.
Looks like were in for a long night," the Sarge said
"OK son, I guess we'll just have to wait it out."Zing! Zing! Ratatatatat!
When I read this, I thought the bullet fire was just a part of his speech. I would suggest having this on its own line. Also, you might think about putting it into italics to make it stand out or even have a little narrative before it
Ryan said. There were too many
This just needs an opening quotation marks as it's continued speech.
Ryan said. "There were too many
"Medic! We have a man shot over here! The Sargent shouted.
Here you just need an ending quotation mark and a lower case letter.
"Medic! We have a man shot over here!" the Sargent shouted.
"Any time now, take your shot! the Sarge said.
This just needs an ending quotation mark.
"Any time now, take your shot!" the Sarge said.
"Ryan, what are you waiting for, son!" The Sarge shouted.
This just needs a lower case letter after the speech.
"Ryan, what are you waiting for, son!" the Sarge shouted.
"Somethings not right Sarge." Ryan said.
Here I would suggest rewording the speech a little, or put an apostrophe before the s in something. It also needs a comma at the end and before the Sarge is addressed.
"Something isn't right, Sarge," Ryan said.
They should be here soon." Pete said.
Here it needs to be a comma at the end of the speech.
They should be here soon," Pete said.
A few parting comments...
I want to mention the spacing of this piece too. While it's fine as it stands I would suggest maybe putting a space in between each paragraph. When reading online it makes it easier for the reader and seems to flow better.
Hope this helped!
Well done on an original write!!
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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