blue jellybaby's (joanne4eva) Reviews

blue jellybaby

Review Requests: OFF

3,537 Public Reviews Given

4,150 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!

I'm good at...

I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!

Favorite Genres

Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.

Favorite Item Types

Statics - fiction.

76

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14 days may be credited.

#4002142

Review of Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I saw you were looking for reviews of this piece and when I read the title and the description, I was instantly intrigued!

Storyline: I have to admit, this was quite technological and I had to re-read a couple of bits to follow the conversation. Peter and Liam have a conversation about something Peter has found but the excitement differences between the two men are very notable.

I might suggest that this chapter could be a little longer to give the reader more of an indication of what the story will be about and how it will follow on from this.

Pacing and flow: This piece flows well and moves at a good pace.

Characters: Peter and Liam are the main characters here. Peter is a geek and proud of it. I like him for that. He's intelligent and very excited over his discovery. Liam is the opposite, the jock type, the manager. They're quite juxtaposed against each other. It does make me wonder about their relationship and how they met and if they work together etc.

Setting: This takes place in an office environment. It might be worth giving it a little more description so it paints the scene for the reader.

What I liked:

I think this is a really well written line: He delivered it like a pitchman at a carnival nailing the closing line to a disinterested passerby.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

As I said this is quite clever talk and while that's fine I found I wanted a bit more about them as characters, their backgrounds etc. Particularly Peter's reaction to his discovery and what he plans to do noow.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

77

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14 days may be credited.

#4002124

Review of YOU

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I hit the random review button looking for something to read when this popped up

What I liked:

Poetry isn't my strong point but I'm willing to give it a go! This is a short poem written in free verse. It's very free in the way it's written and is emotionally raw with no holds barred. I like that. I think poetry such as this allows for free expression. It's addressed to a particular person and the whole point in the poem is to let them know how much you need them and how much you love them. I find myself wondering if this was written for a particular person.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

One thing I would suggest is that it doesn't all need to be in capital letters. I'd write it as normal with capitals at the beginning and then lower case letters after.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

78

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14 days may be credited.

#4002111

Review of Verity

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I'm here to return the review you did for me, I'm just sorry it took a while to get here.

Storyline: What an interesting story! You had me hooked until the end wanting to know what was going to happen. I figured the community wouldn't be what it was supposed to be but I didn't know why. And that ending was quite a twist that I didn't see coming.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

POV and tense: It was written in third person point of view and did a good job of showing the world as she saw it.

Characters: Luc and Jodi are the main characters here. Jodi comes across as a lovely young woman, a little easily led by Luc and very willing to follow him but nice nonetheless. Luc it turns out, isn't who he says he is. This is well hidden and I didn't see it coming.

Setting: This is set in a new community they are moving into together. The way it's described makes it picture perfect until things start to change and especially as the night sets in.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece has a creepy tone and still sits well within the rating.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

79

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14 days may be credited.

#4002109

Review of I want to write-a rant.

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I wanted to stop by and return the review you did for me I'm just sorry it took me a little while to get here. I chose this piece because it looks like a free written piece on writing and how you feel about it.

What I liked:

I'm really glad I decided to read this piece because not only did it give me a glimpse into writing and how you feel about it, but it let me begin to see who you are as a person. Writing is a hobby for most people, something they enjoy, something to get those emotions out (as you have here) and that's brilliant. Other people only write because they want to publish. I won't say either is the right one but I will say, that every time you write (and read too) you improve. You pick up on things you wouldn't have before, you learn better grammar and pick up on words you haven't used before.

I know that writing is hard and sometimes it's easy to doubt ourselves, our talent and where we're going with it but believe me, it gets better. Please keep trying, keep going, I believe you can do it and I certainly don't think you're a waste of space at all.

Do you prefer writing short stories or poetry? There are a lot of contests on site that challenge you to write and write daily and that might be a good place to start. The Writers Cramp, The Daily Slice are both contests I have entered a lot and benefitted from.

I'm glad you wrote this piece and I think even just writing in this capacity is brilliant, it's like a blog entry where you can vent and release. If you need to do this then do it, I know I have at times!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

80

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14 days may be credited.

#4002108

Review of Favorite music

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I wanted to return the review you did for me

I chose this piece because I like sharing the music I listen to as well as finding out what others like.

What I liked:

This is a neat poll and you have a good range of options. I have to admit that I'm not sure what you mean by 'holiday' as a music style. Is that like Christmas music? I would say a lot of people listen to that during that season so perhaps that would be a more generic thing. You could have something like soul/blues/jazz in there instead. Otherwise good poll!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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81

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14 days may be credited.

#4002105

Review of Keep Your Enemies Close...

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I wanted to come and return the review you did for me, I'm just sorry it took me a little while to get here. I think this piece looked quite fun and light hearted, and it reminded me a little of me because me and my sister used to argue regularly!

Storyline: I'm so glad I decided to stop in to read this one! It's really fun, light hearted and original, just like I hoped for. I really like the way you introduced the story and then take the reader through the different snapshots for each year.

I was thinking to myself, how awesome would it be if we could see those pics and lo and behold, you provided some at the bottom! Albeit not the kind I expected ! but I loved it still.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

Characters: There are a couple of characters here, the narrator and the woman she's talking to. You strike a good balance of focus on them and the story too.

Setting: This took place at the office and I think that's fine for description here.

Atmosphere and tone: Really fun! You really painted the scene here.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

82

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14 days may be credited.

#4002103

Review of Any Time C-Notes

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Maryann! I wanted to come and return the review you did for me and when I spotted this c-note shop, I realised that I have sent c-notes from here before and thought it deserved a review!

What I liked:

I think this is a really neat shop. It does what it says on the tin. C-notes for anytime and in that way, I think quite unique here. Most c-note shops are themed so having something that can be sent for anything is really quite nice.

You have a nice array of pictures including a lot of really bright pictures and things that made me happy. Sunsets and flowers; the daisies in particular were lovely

I think the fact that they're so cheap as well is great as it means they're accessible to more people.

Great shop!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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83

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14 days may be credited.

#4002101

Review of There is Something Out There.... Poetry

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I'm here to return the review you did for me! Poetry isn't my strong point but I know you write a lot of poetry and I thought I'd give it a go.

What I liked:

This is a really fun and light hearted poem about a woman who experiences a strange sensation and realises her feet are growing until she is seen by many and eventually called the real life big foot! What an awesome idea. Where did it come from?

You keep this piece light and quick. You write in rhyming couplets which is fine and it keeps the pace of the poem. I did find that until I Realised what the poem was about that I got a little lost in places as some of it seemed quite abstract but when I finished it all fit together well.

Thanks for sharing!

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

84

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14 days may be credited.

#4002017

Review of There

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Sara, you asked me to stop in and review this piece for you, so here I am!

Storyline: This opens up with a letter, signed and dated by a soldier in 1887 about native Americans they tried to capture. Then it cuts to 1987 where a woman walks through the forest and is thrust into the past when the native Americans were there.

This is an interesting piece, quite original and creative.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

POV and tense: It's written from the first person point of view. This gives good opportunity to let the reader know how the main character feels. I think you could really add to this to let the reader into her min, emotions and feelings throughout and really help the reader connect with her.

Characters: The main character is the narrator here. We don't know her name which might be quite helpful in letting the reader identify with her. You could do this through contact with her friend while they're chatting. I also found myself wanting to know more on her reactions especially concerning the sudden change and meeting the native Americans.

Setting: The setting of this piece changes and kind of blurred and while it took me a little while to realise this was happening, I think you do it well in a fluent way.

Atmosphere and tone: There is a strong sense of wonderment, history and nostalgia in this piece.

Dialogue: I think this short story could benefit from more dialogue to help balance the narrative out a little.

What I liked:

This is a really awesome, descriptive line: It gave me the cozy feeling of security like a child in a fort made of chairs and blankets.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

85

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14 days may be credited.

#3993698

Review of Chapter 2

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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Initial hook and title: Hey, I'm here with a review of this piece as you won my package at "Invalid Item"

! I found that I was really drawn to Emma so I hope you don't mind that I decided to read the next chapter in this series.

Storyline: In this chapter we see Emma continuing with her school day. We see a lot about how she feels and what she thinks. She has minimal interaction with people as much as she can manage and spends time on her own. She seems to like it this way. It does make me wonder where the story is going to go as she doesn't seem to have any close relationships.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed fine. It did feel a bit slow in places and I think it might be to do with not really having a lot of interaction or dialogue, much of it is told from her pov in her mind.

POV and tense: Again I would just watch the tense as I noticed a few inconsistencies with this.

Characters: Emma is the main character. I still feel really sorry for her but I admire the way she wants to be independent. She seems strong and fierce in that way.

Setting: We spent the day at school with Emma. It might be worth adding a little description in here and there just to show how she perceives it, especially as someone in a wheelchair. For example, can she see out of the windows or into the classrooms? Does she feel like people look down on her? Is it easy to manouvre around the school?

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

86

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14 days may be credited.

#3993696

Review of Chapter 1

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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Initial hook and title: Hey, I'm here with a review of this piece as you won my package at "Invalid Item"

! I wanted to take a look at this one because it's another young adult theme.

Storyline: This is the first chapter in Emma's life. We learn that she's a young girl suffering from recurring nightmares. After something that happened on her sixteenth birthday (great way to leave me hanging hehe!) she has become wheelchair bound and pretty much isolated.

I found myself wanting to know more about what happened and why she was wheelchair bound now. I really struggled with the story line around all of her friends deserting her. I'm not sure I'd expect people to react in that way just because she was now in a wheelchair but then of course, there were the rumours and I don't know what happened on her birthday.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

POV and tense: One thing I noticed in this piece is that the tense changes between past and present. It disrupts the flow a little bit and I would suggest having a re-read through to pick up on that and try to stay consistent with the style.

Characters: Emma is a young girl, eighteen years old. She suffers from recurring nightmares. She considers herself a plain girl compared to the social butterfly she used to be but she also prefers it that way after an ordeal on her sixteenth birthday.

Setting: This seemed to have a very contemporary context.

Atmosphere and tone: I have to say I really felt for Emma, poor thing, to be in a traumatic accident and then have to go through such isolation.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

87

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14 days may be credited.

#3993613

Review of On the Rocks Cafe

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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Initial hook and title: Hey I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. I chose this piece because both the title and description intrigued me.

Storyline: Sal goes to visit the cafe where he notices there's a new dessert on the menu. He decides to try it. As he's waiting for Sandy to make it he notices someone drawing her and runs the man out of the cafe.

POV and tense: The point of view in this piece switches between first and third person. I think you need to stay consistent within one pov to help the flow and ensure the reader is familiar with who the characters are.

I also noticed that the tense switches a few times between past and present tense. This also adds to a bit of the confusion and I think it needs addressed to make sure the piece flows a little smoother.

Characters: Sal and Sandy are the main characters here. We know Sal has a crush on Sandy and that Sandy is a waitress. Further than that we don't know a lot about them. I think that's okay for a short story.

Setting: This takes place in the 'On the Rocks Cafe'. I think that while the reader knows where this takes place it could be helpful to include some more description so the reader knows what the place looks like and sounds like etc.

Dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a little too stiff for it to flow well like natural conversation would. I would suggest having a re-read and perhaps saying it out loud to see how it actually sounds. For example you wrote:

"Sandy, you have convinced me to try the death by chocolate dessert my mouth is water just thinking about it. I am going to go for the double chocolate cookies and the cherry energy drink."

I would change it slightly using abbreviations etc to make it flow like natural conversation:

"Sandy, you've convinced me to try the death by chocolate dessert. My mouth is watering just thinking about it! I'm going to go for the double chocolate cookies and I'll take the cherry energy drink too."

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

88

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14 days may be credited.

#3993611

Review of GMOs and the Safety Concerns

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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Initial hook and title: Hey Jeannie, I wanted to return the review you did for me and when I was perusing your port I spotted this piece. I decided to go with it and educate myself a little along the way!

What I liked:

I'm glad I read this piece. It taught me a lot about Genetically Modified Organisms and where they can be found. I had no idea so many foods were affected by this and it makes me wonder how long I've been eating something that has been modified without knowing about it. I feel like I should do some research around food and safety and labelling in the UK to find out what the laws are here.

I do wonder what sort of harmful effects these GMOs can have on the people eating them without knowing.

Thanks for sharing this with us and sharing your opinion too!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

89

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14 days may be credited.

#3993609

Review of Published Books of WdC Authors Forum

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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Initial hook and title: Hi Joy, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me when I came across this wonderful piece!

What I liked:

I can't believe I haven't come across this piece before! What a really wonderful idea and so very true. Self promotion can be hard at the best of times but if we don't have others to carry the message it will soon die out. I honestly love the idea of this

I hope to stop in and read some of these books too and help promote these authors!

{/dropnote}

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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90

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14 days may be credited.

#3983797

Review of The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi William, you asked me to stop by with a review of this piece so here I am! It's an interesting title. I do find myself wondering why 0.5?

Storyline: This is a really unique and interesting piece. It's a story about Tyler and Abraham and how they met at school and the unusual contract they agreed on and signed together. I think it's a really creative idea and it makes me wonder if this came from a real life situation. It seems like it could.

Pacing and flow: The story was well written and flowed well without any disruption.

POV and tense: This is told from the point of view of Tyler as he's looking back. He's an old man now and he is remembering a time when he was young and vibrant. He even addresses the reader and apologises for the inaccuracy of events as his mind is slowing down.

Characters: Tyler is the main character and the narrator. We see things from his point of view as he's looking back on them so we get a good idea of his perception on school and life and Abraham too. He thinks Abraham is a bit odd, just like most of the school.

Abraham Foellinger is one of the main characters. I have to say I found him quite likeable. He seemed to have a lot of quirks but I think that made him a better character.

Setting: This took place at school. There is some description about the school and yard so it works well but the piece is more story driven.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece took me right back to school, to the great gender divide and the games that kept us enthralled!

Dialogue: There is a lot of dialogue in this piece and you executed it well.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

91

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14 days may be credited.

#3982031

Review of The Warmth of Spring

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought for you from "Invalid Item"

by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

with the message: 'Part of your package from "Invalid Item"

! Congrats and I hope you enjoy it!

Initial hook and title: I chose to read this piece because I think after the weather I've been seeing, I need something to warm me up!

Storyline: This is a really interesting story! It's well written and had me glued as the story progressed, wanting to know what had happened to the world. I'm a little sad that it didn't warm me through but then perhaps I can have my very own jammy day!

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

Characters: Kaya and Oliver are the main characters here. Mother and son, they have a great bond that you can see the moment they are together. I really like the name Kaya, unique. And Oliver seems to be a very nice and polite boy. I like both of them!

Setting: This takes place on an earth in which global warming is no longer a problem, instead, the harsh winters that last through spring are. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: This has a little bit of a sci-fi tone, perhaps because of the nature of the global warming issues. It also has a strong fixation with nature and the environment.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

92

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14 days may be credited.

#3981849

Review of Breaking and Entering

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Kim, I wanted to return the review you did for me. I chose this piece when I found it looking through your fiction folder and it was a combination of the title, description and the picture that made me want to read.

Storyline: This tells the story of Madril who is caught red handed after trying to steal a painting. He thinks he's being booked but the story goes so much deeper than that.

This was a well written piece with a good twist at the end that I didn't see coming. I liked that you did that.

Pacing and flow: This piece moved at a good pace and the narrative flowed well.

Characters: Madril is the main character here. It looks like he's good at breaking and entering and hasn't been caught until now. He doesn't come across as a 'bad' criminal but he is nonetheless.

Setting: The setting in this changes from the museum to the car to the office building. You do a good job of making sure the reader remains oriented.

Atmosphere and tone: There's a sense of action and suspense in this piece.

What I liked: As I said, I liked the twist in this piece. I didn't see it coming.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

93

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14 days may be credited.

#3981845

Review of Digging Up the Past

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Nikola, I'm here to return the review you did for me. I chose this piece as I found it in your darker folder and both the title and description intrigued me.

In the description I think 'discover' should be 'discovery'.

Storyline: This tells the story of Joey who seems to be on a mission in his yard. He's determined to dig it up, rain or shine, only what he finds there in the ground isn't what he's expecting.

This was a well written piece that had me hanging on for more. I wanted to know what Joey was up to and what he wanted. I wouldn't say this piece was for kids but maybe it would suit teens well.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and kept a good pace that has the reader wanting to know more.

Characters: Joey is the main character in this piece. In this short story we learn that he's a very determined young man and he'll work at something no matter what the obstacles.

Setting: This all takes place in his back yard. You set the scene well including an array of senses.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was quite dark and sad too, that a child holds onto his love of a pet. Poor kid.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

94

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14 days may be credited.

#3981839

Review of The Wish

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Yellow, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. With this piece it was the picture that first caught my eye. I might suggest adding something in the description that hints at what the story is - it might entice more readers.

Storyline: This is a short story about Sarah who likes to chase butterflies. She's been taught that when wishing on a butterfly it's carried to Heaven and on this occasion the wish is for her father.

This is a sad yet very sweet piece in which the girl simply wants her father to know she loves him. I really enjoyed reading it. I thought it could be quite suitable as a children's story but is also really well characterised as spiritual.

POV and tense: This piece is written in the present tense. I noted one thing below that I think needs changed just for consistency.

Characters: Sarah is the character here. The reader follows her as she catches butterflies, which we know she likes doing. I get the impression she's quite young due to her beliefs here so you do well to get that across too.

Setting: This piece doesn't have a setting as such but I think that's fine. It's more story/character driven.

Atmosphere and tone: As I said earlier, this piece is both sweet and sad and I think you carried that well.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

95

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14 days may be credited.

#3981773

Review of The Flame Of Mortality

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is an RAOK Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Angus! I'm here to return the review you did for me. I chose this piece because both the title and description intrigued me. Can't wait to read it!

Storyline: Oooh what a creepy piece! Andy finds himself in a trance night after night, completing a ritual for some unknown reason. Each night the man he sees in his trance comes closer and closer until he finally gets what he wants!

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed really well and moved at a good pace. It had me hooked!

POV and tense: This is written in third person. It works well to give the reader a full view of the room and what's going on with Andy.

Characters: Andy Caldwell is the main character here. The reader knows that he's going through a ritual every night even though he doesn't know he's doing it and that this scares him. He just can't seem to stop it happening. I think you capture his emotions well.

Setting: This all takes place in Andy's bedroom, although when he's in his trance, he seems to be in some dark place. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was pretty creepy. The ending was really well done

Dialogue: The dialogue between the two men was well done too. Andy is talking out loud but it seems that the man in his trance is talking to him in his head. I think that works well.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the RAOK Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

96

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3981768

Review of Unseen Force

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I'm here to return the review you did for me. I chose to read this piece as I really enjoy reading darker materials and this promises to be that

Storyline: This tells the story of our narrator, the main character, who is stuck in a nightmare. He (or she) is living in a place which is being haunted continually. They are experiencing very strange phenomenon and going just about crazy with it all.

I enjoyed reading this piece. I found it to be a good ghost story and one which has a lot of potential if you wanted to continue it.

I will say that I found quite a lot of sentence fragments. I pointed some out below here but it might be worth having another read through to find out if there are more of them.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well apart from the odd sentence fragment I found. It disrupted it just slightly so I'd see if you can find if there are any more to take them out.

POV and tense: This is written in first person present tense point of view. It does well to let the reader in to the character's mind.

Characters: The main character is the narrator. We don't really know anything about them other than this haunting and mostly that's okay but I found myself wanting at least a gender or a name. See if you can add that in somewhere.

Setting: This takes place in a home that is haunted. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: This is a dark ghost story and actually quite reminded me of gothic horror.

What I liked: I think this is a great line:

My room is their playground and I am their toy.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

I'm not sure and it may just be a personal preference but the writing in this story looks pretty small. It might be harder for some readers to read and I might suggest making it a little bigger,

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

97

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3979654

Review of Is abstinence the best policy?

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Joey! I'm here for your final review as part of the package you won at "Save My Membership Auction - Closed"

This piece intrigued me bevause of the title. It asks the reader a questino and invites them in.

Storyline: This tells the story of Susie who, after getting married to Jake, finds that she doesn't get to spend anytime with him. After following some advice from her mother she begins going to church with him and they sign up for the abstinence program together but it doesn't go too well!

I found that I didn't quite get the ending. Is Albertson's a store? If so you already said they were leaving at a dead run so they didn't break their abstinence there.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

Characters: Susie and Jake are the main characters here. We know they are newlyweds and probably still quite young. I think for a short piece you characterised them well.

Setting: The setting of this piece changes through. You make sure the reader knows where they are but it could benefit from a little background description.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was fun and lighthearted, it made me smile.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3978389

Review of Helen and Kalena

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Elena, you asked me to stop by with a review of this piece, so here I am!

Storyline: This is the story of Helen and Kalena. They're step sisters and quite close, though it seems when Helen gets sick Kalena isn't sure how to deal with it. Her step sister is getting more attention and gifts from people than she is and jealousy is what naturally happens for her. Though it seems she still loves her sister because when someone is bullying her she beats the guy up!

I have to say I was quite happy about that ending too!

I did find that there wasn't a lot of insight into the characters and how they felt emotionally. I'd suggest trying to show more than tell using internal thoughts and emotions.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at the right pace for a children's story.

POV and tense: this was written in third person. It gives the reader an all over glimpse of everyone's character and how they are feeling and reacting.

Characters: Helen and Kalena are the main characters here. They're step sisters and though it seems they have their differences, they still love each other.

I was glad that Kalena reacted in the way she did to the bullying Helen was receiving. I think any parent might be secretly proud of that.

Setting: I'm not sure where this takes place. It's not so important but I'd suggest maybe adding a little more information about the places they are to set the scene for the reader.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece has a sad undertone but you deal with it well.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3978383

Review of Encante

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Vidia! I'm here with a review of this piece as you requested me to read it. The title and description are quite intriguing and while I don't normally read fantasy I always enjoy pushing myself beyond my boundaries!

Storyline: The story opens up by introducing the main character who is also the narrator. As it's written in first person we don't get to know the characters name and I would suggest it might be a good idea to try and put it in there as a way for the reader to connect further with the character.

She feels she falls asleep and when she wakes she's being pulled into the sea and unable to stop it. Soon she finds that she can breathe underwater and life as she knows it has changed as she has become a mermaid!

What an interesting idea. When I finished reading this I found myself thinking this could just be the start of her adventure and you could certainly write more.

I did find myself wondering how and why she was turned into a mermaid. There didn't seem to be any motivation or explanation for this and I think this is something I would have wanted as a reader.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well. It moved a bit fast in places that I think could have done with a bit more explanation or description to really draw the reader in. It might be worth having a read through.

POV and tense: You wrote this in the first person. This is a great way to really involve your reader in the story and character, try using that to your advantage. Give the reader more internal thoughts and emotions as well as descriptions as she would see and experience them.

Characters: Encantado/Celeste/Cella is the main character here. As I said we don't get her name until near the end of the piece and even then before that I thought she was actually called Encantado. I think you need to make it clear from early in the piece if possible what her name is.

I also found I wanted to see more of her personality and emotions. I think if that was me I'd be worried and fearful about the sudden change and wondering what happened and why and thinking about my life on the land.

Setting: This takes place in Encante. You describe it well. Just be careful not to overload the reader with too much information at once.

Dialogue: With speech, if it ends with a dialogue tag that tells the reader how something is said, the speech should end with a comma.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

When things are written online, readers often find it easier to read things that have spaces between the paragraphs so I would suggest doing that here.

At a scene break you used: *** <<***>> ***

While this is fine it's more common to see *** centred on the page.

Generally when thoughts are shown within a narrative they are put in italics. It separates them and makes it clear to the reader that it is a thought from the character's mind.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3977960

Review of The Law of Attraction

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

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This review was bought for you from "Invalid Item"

by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

with the message: 'Part of your package from "Invalid Item"

! Congrats and I hope you enjoy it!

Storyline: For a short flash piece you executed this story well. You included all the elements needed of a good story and had me wanting to know what was going on with Jackson. He's in a mining town having a drink after a hard day when Cass, a woman from his past walks into the bar. They share a moment before he finds himself waking up to some terrible news.

Although this was a short piece you had me feeling sad for them and for what could have been!

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

Characters: Jackson is the main character here. It appears that he works hard and enjoys himself in the bar afterward.

The moment of meeting between Jackson and Cass was well done and you managed to show both affection and lust. She strikes me as a beautiful woman, one who turned heads and someone a little dangerous.

Setting: I'm not sure where this piece is set exactly but you offer the reader a good amount of context so I think it still works well.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece has a lot of different emotions from lust to affection to sadness and you captured it all well.

Dialogue: The dialogue, particularly in between Jackson and Cass, really emphasised their connection to each other. I really liked the way he finished her sentence.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .