This is the second of the three reviews you won in "Invalid Item" I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one reader's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work shine, and to rubbish with the rest.
First Impressions:
Another great title and teaser; another enticing opening and satisfying ending. Thanks for using the correct genre and rating. Consider adding two more genres for more exposure to your work. Cultural and fantasy might fit with the theme.
Suggestions:
he felt the faint vibrations of the engines slow. The faint pinging
repetition, consider: dim/slight/quiet/muffled/weak
Damn.he thought. - comma instead of period
The air was rich with energy and seemed to
A pleasant breeze came off the water and the air was warm
The soaring spire of the lighthouse was like artwork and seemed to
If the parallel construction in this paragraph is a device, I'm not sure it works. Consider shortening the sentences for a rhetorical effect if that was your intent. Otherwise, maybe mix up the clauses a bit and/or switch out "was" for a more specific verb.
It feels like home, The - period instead of comma
perfect replica of a human hand
The hand is beyond the lighthouse, but how big is it? "Replica" implies an accurate reproduction, i.e. the same size.
his mind was filled with thoughts
What kind of thoughts?
It was as if the makers had known there'd be this day as he approached without fear to stare at the display and felt energy coalesce around his mind.
Think about making this two sentences for clarity.
Shine:
Lyle grabbed a quick shower and as he re-entered the control cabin, he felt the faint vibrations of the engines slow. The faint pinging of thrusters cooling told him that a stable orbit had been achieved.
I felt the vibrations shaking the cabin all around me.
Overall:
Again, a stupendous ending, tying everything together. I like how this shows the ephemeral quality of time with inner questions. Lyle's excited rush to understand what he's seeing is palpable, and it spills out onto the earthling reader.
There's a 2001 vibe here, sci-fi meets romance. An enjoyable story about finding home in a strange land.
This is the first of the three reviews you won in "Invalid Item" auction.
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one reader's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work shine, and to rubbish with the rest. Nitpicking is my specialty.
First Impressions:
A great title and good tag line tease the reader into the story.
Suggestions:
For me, the transitions between the father's lap, the dock, and the ship are a bit rough. Normally, I would say skip the first paragraph, but here it adds to the story. My suggestion is to fold the first paragraph into the third near the discussion of mythical dragons. That would leave the first line as:
The last tendrils of mist were thinning as my father and I walked across the creaking planks of the dock in the pale shadowed morning.
It's a great line, and a nice paragraph to pull the reader into the story.
and suddenly my eyes stopped.
I got an image of someone's eyes seizing up, and I'm not sure that was your intent. Suggest: fell on an imposing figure (or other phrase where the object is identified.)
below decks he was the cause of much speculation
his middle name/initial was the cause
always I watched and learned. He always
repetition
fighting of pirate renegades - fighting off
Foundering, the ocean showed no mercy
"Foundering" means "taking on water", so it should modify ship or bow instead of ocean.
A few spots were you may wish to make the phrasing more active. an island could be seen - an island appeared
The ship was singing - the ship sang
in a voice that would book no argument
Brook might fit better here, as in "tolerate".
his proud demeanor filling me with pride
repetition
I found myself standing
I found myself scrambling
I felt the sting of salt water
In general, felt/found/noticed/seemed suck the intensity out of a story. Here, the meaning doesn't change with:
Looking to the bow, the sting of salt water burned my eyes, the tearing blurring my vision.
Consider straight description for most phrases, although "I found myself" is a nice colloquial touch once in a while. In a longer piece I would never have noticed it.
Shine:
We ran before the storm but soon were engulfed in mountains of dark water that avalanched relentlessly. A sharp crack filled the air and the mainsail, already tattered, came crashing down.
Overall:
This story comes alive in the description of the sea as a living entity. The voice holds reverence for a great leader and those spots where William remembers his lessons feel "real".
Great ending! Two lines to sum up the story with verve and metaphor. Nicely done.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Such hope and determination in this poem.
Suggestions:
It isn't clear until the end that the first stanza is set in the distant past. The easiest fix is to add "have" for context. *cringe* I do think the switch in tenses could be more smooth.
"fragrance"
A description or metaphor here might add to the lovely image. Smelled the (two syllables?) of southern pine. damp scent/lush green/whatever. Just a thought; sorry the examples are lame.
My favorite line/s: I gleefully meandered beside
giggling waters and smelled the
fragrance of southern pines.
Final Thoughts:
Fabulous imagery in this piece. I especially loved the metaphor of life as journey. Inspiring, sensual poem.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
A strong statement of faith and testimony.
Suggestions:
I have no specific suggestion for word choice, but did find more questions than answers in this poem. What is "servitude to mere men"? I do have a Christian background, but I'm not sure what the quote has to do with the poem.
Thanks for the author's note at the end. It clears up a lot. I'd still like to see some specifics here, as each person has a different idea of what it means to serve God.
My favorite line/s: He alone is worthy of all my honor,
glory and praise.
Everyone needs to refocus on their purpose now and again. Thanks for sharing your deep convictions.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Fave lines: There seems to be nothing
That you can compare
To watching a new mother:
Sitting in a chair,
Adorable. The simple words reach into every mother's heart, pulling up the smell of baby powder and milk, the lullaby sung to the rocking chair's creak.
Hello, Ritz!
First, welcome to Writing.com! If you have any questions about the site or my review, just send an email. I hope you find use in this review. Please accept or reject my suggestions according to your map of this item. Examples are prone to be overwritten for effect.
First Impression:
Nice title and tag line. Mostly true stories are the BEST.
Suggestions:
One of the neighbours told us a skunk had gotten in the building. It was so bad in there you could hardly breath.
Although it probably did happen, it isn't necessary to say a skunk got into the building; we already know. The smell and the roped off building tell us that.
Is the neighbor saying she could hardly breathe? Instead of a general "you" reaction, maybe the speaker can give more detail? Describe "so bad". Then describe "could hardly breathe". She said the scent was so overpowering she started wheezing/ran outside/almost hurled/whatever. This would be a great contrast with the friend who can't smell anything. Or use dialogue to showcase the flavor of Vancouver.
“Will, buddy,” my husband says, “Where are you?”
This is fine. But consider some sort of reaction by the main character as she's listening to his end of the conversation. “I think you better get up and come over to our place. They have evacuated your building,” my husband is a little concerned for him.
The last phrase is not a dialogue tag, and should be a separate sentence. Even better, describe how the husband is concerned. Does she hear something in his voice or see his brow knit? If it doesn't draw a clearer picture of the speaker, take it out. We know the husband is concerned, because now we're concerned! The minute the reader knows the neighbor has slept through the whole ordeal, we get a bit tense. Telling us what we know destroys the tension you've carefully crafted.
Favorite line/s: “How does it smell in your place?” my husband asked.
“Cat needs a bath but why do you care?”
You did a great job leading me by the whiskers to the ending, which I didn't see coming. I did get a clear picture of the neighbor at the end. That's one perfectly hilarious ending.
In studying this ideal called "humor", I found a link to one of your updates in an old comedy newsletter. Now I'm stuck in your port getting caught up on last year's news and wondering how I could have missed the Macaroni Millionaire.
This one was especially funny. You jump right on the bucking political bronco and ride that bull till he's panting in the dirt. Great timing.
You should send your resume to the Daily Show. No, don't! Just write more funny stuff.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. Please accept or discard any suggestions by comparing them to your blueprint for this item.
While the piece feels unfinished, the last two lines are classic! More humor like that would bring vibrancy to your story. What kind of advertisement? Is it a radio, TV, or print ad? It sounds like a radio ad, but I can't be sure.
Let me give you a walk around our lovely facility.
First we have leisure time.
This might flow better as "leisure area" or play area since it's a tour.
A cute take on your class assignment. Do the animals get Care Bears to play with?
This review is no expert opinion, just musings on your poem.
Thanks for exposing me to the Monotetra form. The effect mimics the repetition of the night bird singing. I have no suggestions; I think the wordplay is lovely and the rhythm perfect for the subject matter.
I liked every end line, but I think the last stanza is chilling in its summation.
Not for me light promise of morn
Hold back the dawn, hold back the dawn.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. Please accept or discard suggestions according to your blueprint.
Ouch! Been stabbed myself a few times. I like your attitude of hope and acceptance after being bludgeoned by love. It proves the adage: "Any love is better than no love at all." Okay, maybe that's a song.
A couple of years ago, on a day that started out like most others, everything changed. My search had come to a halt for weeks; however,
The second sentence is throwing me. I thought the "relationship-free existence carried on for years" so I'm not sure which search had been halted for weeks.
Fave lines: The wall of ice around my heart started melting and my insides warmed. Love was returning to the surface.
I took the liberty of peeking in your port, and it was packed with juicy metaphors. I bet you could find a way to describe the wall of ice that shows your personality better like the road comparison. Because the item is short, maybe an extended metaphor? Just musing.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. Please accept or discard any suggestions according to your blueprint.
Fave lines: And bowls all the vowels on her floor
Spurt by blood and restless howls Fantastic imagery!
Waves are shattered from pieces
Of red risen ink and ill seeding wails
This poem does have a classic tone, even without the references. Varied phrasing and repetition is used to lead the reader and emphasize emotion. (Although the double punctuation here threw me: face...!)
Beautiful words and images. The centered text shows off the structure you've created.
I do suggest a line by line edit for flow. Subjects and verbs should agree so we can parse the phrase.
Who shall I sink to with?
For a breath had me kissed as mad as I am for she = ?
Oh, so the sky wears down...
And leave the moon abandoned above all unnamed hopes - leaves
These are what battles has made carved - have
The theme is painted well with vivid imagery. You took a chance mimicking a classical poem and it works! The anguish of senseless violence comes through so loud it's almost overwhelming. It may need a tweak here and there for clarity so everyone will get the message.
This isn't a deep, meaningful review, just a general impression.
Seems like this snippet of darkness was written during a hard time in your life. I hope you've come to see the lighter colors of the rainbow of life.
It would be nice to be shown these emotions, either through a poetic description or the recalling of an event. The support is so general that I'll have to disagree with you on the theme. Serious emotion here, but consider a more teasing description--why is this piece your favorite?
Serious emotion is a great place to start this piece.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. I'll leave the technical advice for the poetry experts.
Sonnets are hard anyway, but melding two forms yields rigid structure. A few of the end rhymes felt forced, which isn't surprising. For example: Thinking of my days in school,
Never was I considered cool.
Making all the grades to please,
Some subjects went by with ease.
Consider pumping up the first line to show your personality. It doesn't really say anything except you were in school. If it were my poem (and I don't know where you're going with this line) I'd say something like:
Compared to well heeled kids at school
never was I considered cool.
or
Thinking eons back to school,
I was never considered cool.
In the first instance I'm saying my empty pockets put me at a disadvantage, the second says I'm old.
Fave lines: Well, look at that, I wrote a sonnet
And now I wear a teacher’s bonnet.
The irony of your final thoughts gives this poem an extra push into humor and realism. The cat distraction was cute, too. Thanks for introducing me to the Pushkin Sonnet and explaining the requirements.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. Poetry is not my forte, but I do recognize some of the work that went into writing this.
Love the double acrostic here. The imagery is both ethereal and concrete, the perfect mixture of technique and spirituality. The words feel precisely chosen for meaning as well as sound. This is especially evident in the last line with the "sibilant" wordplay.
fecund limbs gilded with sap,
I like the imagery and phrasing here, although the word "fecund" is hard to say.
So double points for using "maw", triple points for using "chi" , and quadruple points for sparking inner questions with lines like:
Sound the tuneless aria as you reach where near meets far.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Maryann, your stories always make me smile!
I like your logic of the politics behind the shenanigans on Gilligan's Island. Gosh, I could clearly see the characters plotting out their next move on a replica of the island made of coconuts and driftwood.
I haven't watched Survivor in years, so I'm not sure how Hunter is like the professor. Might want to throw in a line of explanation for those who don't watch the show. And add a visual--a telephone made of coconut shells or something. The professor is right handy with the gadgets.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Great job showing remorse and regret from the shooter's point of view. The word choices, rhythm, and rhyme match the tone of a young person in jail. I still can't imagine the guilt, but the message is clear. Some mistakes can't be fixed.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
It's a delight to review your entry in the North Star contest, where one of nine monthly winners will be chosen as the best of the Rising Stars for 2008.
First Impressions:
The description of the characters is intertwined seamlessly with action and dialogue. Exceptional writing.
Suggestions:
I know it was hard to get all that detail into the word count, but after the contest consider fleshing out the sound of the women's laughter. The contrast with being deaf is there, but it could be deepened.
I found it odd she wouldn't mention her brother's an archaeologist. It's generally considered a pretty cool profession.
And I'd also like to have more info on the man in the leather coat.
signed with vehemence
Maybe stabbing motions or something visual?
mingled by a white, shrieking noise - mingled with?
My favorite line/s: A vibration echoed off the left side of his body sending his heart rate skipping. Wendy grabbed a fistful of sleeve and yanked as a car rocked to a halt inches from his leg
Final Thoughts:
This story proves that 2,000 words is plenty when you find the right mixture of backstory, dialogue, and intrigue. Fantastic write.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
It's an honor to review your entry in the North Star contest, where one of nine monthly winners will be chosen as the best of the Rising Stars for 2008.
First Impressions:
Strong imagery in this piece. The picture of the frightened child by itself is enough to pull the emotions--great opening.
Suggestions: The squeak of the appliances
shuts down the flow of thought
I'm not sure how appliances fit into the theme. What is it about the sound that shuts down thought? Is it merely irritating or does it bring fear?
My favorite line/s: The muse is a toddler
who cannot learn and hope
with an empty belly
or a slap across the face.
Final Thoughts:
I love the metaphor, and I know all too well how fickle and skittish the muse can be. Great ending, reminding us that our talents and experiences are enough to push us to keep writing.
A late welcome to Writing.Com! Your hand cracks me up; I love it.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. Please accept or discard suggestions according to your blueprint of this work. I found your item in the recent For Authors newsletter.
The opening and setup might be condensed a smidgen. But the ending is orchestrated seamlessly--even though I knew it was coming I still got misty. The conversation with the wife and kids brought the character to life, so I cared when he died. The tone and word choices of the operator lent urgency and deepened the drama.
Fave lines: The snow thickens outside the windshield. He does not know where the road ends and the shoulder begins. His grip tightens on the wheel.
Nice job! I hope to read more of your work as your port grows! (Hint hint. )
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
A delightful tale. I related to the mother's constant harping about dirt in the nest, and the realization that kids remain sweet despite our inadvertent bitterness. Her squirrely reaction to the gift was a joy to envision.
Mrs. Oura wrung her paws and worried. “You don’t think he’s a little crazy do you? I’m so afraid he might run out in the road like poor Uncle Henry.”
Proof-positive we need an icon to mimic beverage-spewing laughter. I suggest {e:snorfle}
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
What a great essay! It really explains the nature of the holiday, the melding of cultures that started at the first campfire and continues into the present. Moving and educational at the same time.
Thanks for explaining the silly ritual that always makes me smile--the turkey pardon.
First Impressions:
A romantic holiday story with style, emotion, precision, and an "E" rating. What's not to love?
Suggestions:
The ending felt tacked-on to me, because there aren't enough hints that the priest's emotions will be important. He feels one-dimensional until the final scene. A clue or two placed earlier would go a long way toward filling in the gaps. An alternative is to whittle a sharper, condensed image of the priest lost in thought to stand as contrast.
My favorite line/s: Her opposite palm flattened beseechingly against the window, fingertips curling against the smooth surface as she fought the wave of loneliness with little success.
Final Thoughts:
The flowing prose sprinkled with reflection and description carries this romantic story into our hearts. Your unique style shines in this short piece. Well done.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
I suggest separating this into stanzas for ease of reading. Plus you know we're going to skip to the last stanza and sing the whole thing. At least I did.
This is a cute ditty. I only recognized a few of the terms, so I guess it's apparent I never fish, huh? I know what six spools of mono looks like, but I don't know what Senkos are. So I probably didn't get the effect you intended.
But I did enjoy the creativity of this parody, and got a picture of the author bedecked in the spoils of the sport and tangled in the mono.
Write on!
Have a fabulous 12 days of Christmas!
Kimchi
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Suggest: fell on an imposing figure (or other phrase where the object is identified.)
