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Review Requests: ON
1,559 Public Reviews Given
2,107 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviews typically cover: initial responses, technicalities and mechanics, favorite parts, areas of improvement, and overall impression.
I'm good at...
Honesty, and finding what works versus what doesn't work. I will never give you a rating I don't think your work deserves. I am also particularly good at spotting grammatical errors and typos.
Favorite Genres
Philosophy, Steampunk, Horror, Dark, Emotional, Science Fiction, Technology, and Political Science. I'm sure there are more that I'm missing.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Western, Religious, and anything froufrou.
I will not review...
Chapters and Novels, unless arrangements are made prior.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 -4- 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
76
76
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this group, and hope to be added back to it when you have a chance. *Heart*
77
77
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (5.0)
I hope when you feel better you'd reconsider bringing this back. I absolutely love and miss it! *Heart*
78
78
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm going to go ahead and do one of those fly-by ratings to get this started, but you can bet your booty I'll be back to celebrate with you! *Bigsmile* *Heart*
79
79
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think you did a pretty good job with this. Keep up the great work! *Smile*
80
80
Review of Hunger  
Review by Riot
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I love this! It really made me laugh. But, alas, you cannot hear me...
81
81
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello Bill,

I think that this poem has some good direction and touching philosophy. It's true that you must treat one with respect in order to stay free. I think this is a beautiful statement.

I ran across a couple of things in this poem. It seems to me as though you've decided to go with proper punctuation in some places. Since this is the case, I really think it should be across the board.

For instance: When you love someone[,] you've got to be wise[.] That would also mean that the end of sentences throughout this sound also end with a period. Be careful of where you put commas because they are not always needed. I find it helpful when I'm writing poetry to put it through an editing program because it helps me to see where punctuation should be that I may have missed when writing.

Truthfully, the end of this got a little rocky for me. I felt like a lot of your couplet rhymes were forced merely to say one thing that was on your mind. For example, you bring up a snake, which I suppose is a good representation of ill-willed people, but then you talk about turning gray so that you can show them love by getting out of their way. It seemed to me as though gray was placed there merely so you could end the next line with way. I felt similarly about the embrace/space combination, but I did think bringing snake back into the picture was clever.

Overall, a philosophically sound poem, but one that needs a little bit of work. Keep up the good job! *Smile*


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82
82
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello there,

This is another piece that I think has a lot of potential, but needs a little work on presentation.

I appreciate the parallel sentences to some degree, but I think that the overall repetition of it in every single sentence is a bit overwhelming. I feel like the pressing issues that you're bringing up are being lost in translation due to redundant statements that the piece could simply do without.

Again, I like where you're going. I do think that you did a better job with this one grammatically, but it still needs a little bit of work. Maybe you could run this through an editing program after removing the opening redundancies to each sentence. It might help give you some insight to what you're actually saying in the sentences themselves. *Wink*



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83
83
Review of What Happened  
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hello there,

First, I want to say that I think this has potential. I like where you're trying to go with some of your sentences, but I think it needs a lot of work. Since it is only one paragraph long, I figured I'd go ahead and examine it in parts.

*Bullet* What happened was minute men piled up high adding up to hours, what happened was the new transition of power. - I found this line to be extremely confusing. As far as I know, minute men are missiles designed to be launched within a minute. In case of nuclear war, they're designed to be launched at a fingers touch, assuring mutual annihilation. Are you trying to say that they were launching so many that it would take them hours to launch them all? Is this a clever play on words? Either way you cut it, this sentence needs a lot of work. Your hook really can't be this confusing and poorly worded; I almost clicked out completely and would've if I hadn't seen it was only a paragraph long.

*Bullet* Old money to new money[,] you could count [them?] both with both [two?] hands. - Are you saying the number of rich is the same number? A small number of people who control everything? That's what I got from it, but I think it could probably be worded a little more concisely.
*Bullet* From the owners of the sea to the owners of land. What happened was propaganda and public deception, only wealthy war lords setting the foundation and participating in elections. - Okay. I know where you're going with this, and I really like some of it. I think what I'm getting tangled up in is the presentation of this. I'm really not sure how to improve this without completely re-working it for you, and I have no desire to write your work for you. Also, what happened that was propaganda? What's the deception? Are you purposely being ambiguous? It's okay if you are, I'm just trying to help you understand what I was thinking when reading this.
*Bullet* What happened was overzealous spending weighing us down till[until/'til] we could no longer float[.] What happened was losing gold and silver to promissory notes. - There's not much confusion here. I can follow this. The sentences just need a bit of work. *Wink*
*Bullet* What happened was fearfully trading all we had for more protection[.] [What happened was a dark age church state resurrection[.] What happened was secondary entity patriotism and "in God we trust[,]" but as it's always been[,] the happenings are solely up to us. - Again, these sentences need work.

I have say, I'm not a huge fan of the incessant repetition of what happened. I get that this is a big rant in a way, and a kind of 'open your eyes!' type piece, but I just didn't feel it. I think it would be easy to put a little more personal meaning into this. I can appreciate the anti-governmental tone and even come to agree with some of it, but it was just too scattered and ambiguous to really relate to.

I think this may be better as prose or poetry. I can see this easily be changed to the sort of pacing one would find in that kind of narrative. I'd still kill all of the what happened lines though, personally.

Overall, I can see this become so much more, I just think it needs a bit of work to get on the right track and really send the powerful messages. I hope to visit your portfolio for more work in the future. *Smile*



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84
84
Review of The Unselfish Act  
Review by Riot
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello Muskie,

First, I want to say thanks for sharing this. I know it's not always an easy thing to do; exposing your personal experiences can be somewhat daunting at times.

As I read through this, I found myself knowing a lot about Ms. Hillcrest, but nearly nothing about you and your family outside of the fact that they had adopted her as their personal charity case. (Sorry, that phrase really kind of makes me cringe. It seems very condescending.)

I spotted a few technical things along the way. Below are some of the things I came across and wanted to comment on. (Some, truthfully, are simply quick fixes so you don't have to hunt them down yourself.)


*Thought* Technical/Mechanics
*Bullet* As I was growing up[,] my family didn't have a lot of money. - A comma is placed after up because the first four words of this sentence are an introductory phrase.
*Bullet* Despite this[,] my parents seemed to always be taking care of the woman at the end of the road. - Another introductory expression.
*Bullet* She lived there with her 3[three] kids. - Generally, numbers ten and under are spelled out.
*Bullet* Most of my hand[-]me[-]down clothes ended up at the Hillcrests'. - Certain word sequences require hyphens.
*Bullet* As I grew older[,] I learned to respect what my parents did. - Another introductory phrase.
*Bullet* Nancy, as my parents referred to Ms[.] Hillcrest, wasn't much of a mother. - This line didn't tell us much. You already described how the children looked dirty and how her place was never in good shape.
*Bullet* She said when I was 5[five], I was in the front yard playing with my brothers.
*Bullet* When she looked up[,] I was on the road, two or three houses down and headed for[toward] the country road. - There's another introductory phrase here, and I think you mean toward the country road.
*Bullet* My mother was 7[seven] months pregnant with my youngest brother at the time.
*Bullet* I can't imagine the fear that struck my mother's heart when she [had] seen the 18 wheel semi-truck rolling down the country road, knowing that if I didn't stop I would be killed.
*Bullet* Apparently[,] I never saw the truck, and only kept laughing at the imaginary game I was playing with my mother.
*Bullet* Apparently[,] Ms[.] Hillcrest was on her porch and witnessed the whole thing. - I understand that this is being told from your perspective, but I think you may want to take a peek at words that you use frequently. There are a lot of repeated words; two paragraphs alone begin with apparently. Truthfully, I think you can get rid of all instances of it. There's not needed at all and don't alter the meaning of the sentences you've used them in.
*Bullet* A heart beat before the truck plowed me down, I was scooped up by her as she dove across the road. - I think you may want to rewrite this. There are issues with the sentence structure.
*Bullet* If her funeral was an example of her life; her children didn't even come. - This would be a full sentence if reworked a little, and I think it would make more of an impact. You could do something like: Her funeral was an example of her life; her children didn't even attend.
*Bullet* Despite her failures;[,] her one unselfish act saved the life of a child. - I noticed that you tend to do this a lot in this story. Generally speaking, it's safe to use them when you have two independent clauses that you want to bond. For example: "My husband has baby vomit all over his shirt; he likes to hold his daughter even when she's gassy." - You don't want to use it with conjunctions, like and, but, or, nor, for, so, and yet. "My husband has baby vomit all of her shirt, and I have no desire to hug him." A comma would be used here, not a semicolon.
*Bullet* For that, she will always be my [hero][.] - I don't personally think hero needs to be capitalized, but I suppose you could if it's a title you're giving her. Either way, the sentence should end with a period. *Wink*

Overall, I think this would be a much more emotionally charged piece if there was some more information in it. I understand that you were a child, and you seemed innocuous enough, playing an imaginary game with your mom, but why, aside from being a child, should we relate to you on a personal level? If you decide to revise this, I'd like to come back and re-read and re-rate it. Thank you for sharing! *Smile*


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85
85
Review of Fear.  
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello there,

I think there is a lot of pretty good imagery here, especially near the end. Although I can appreciate that this is free-verse, the excessive line breaks was somewhat distracting. I think many of these lines could be combined into one and improve the quality of the flow and imagery.

My favorite part is stanza five and six:
*Bullet* Darkness/Flames/Licking your body clean/Evaporating the shell/of everything *Left* This is pretty awesome imagery. I like the idea of the flames acting as a cleansing agent along the skin. It could be complete annihilation. *Thumbsup*
*Bullet* Slowly[,] nothing/A black injected abyss/Calmly sucking in/Obliterating light/Destroying *Left* I think this is absurd and amazing, but I'm a fan of nihilistic imagery. *Wink*

I think with a little bit of work, and possible fleshing out, this could built up to a powerful ending. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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86
86
Review by Riot
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Just here for a drive-by rating. *Bigsmile*
87
87
Review of Untitled.  
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello there,

I thought this was a pretty good attempt at writing poetry, as your teaser suggests.

I liked the opening lines in the poem: I feel empty, like a pen with no ink. So many thoughts, but non in sync. - Although I can appreciate the following line, I think that the whole alcoholic without a drink line may be a little overdone.

I felt like the last stanza was the weakest compared to the first two. Why are you crawling, why are you appalling? For me, it seemed as though these may have been stated the way they were just for a forced rhyme because there was nothing earlier to indicate this sudden change in character reflection, you know?

Overall, as I said, a good attempt at writing poetry again. I think you did a good job, but you may want to consider looking over your metaphors and rhymes. If all else fails, you can just convert it to free-verse. *Wink*


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88
88
Review of Heart?  
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Elby,

I think there's some really nice ideas in this poem!

*Bullet* Yet still upon my sleeve be worn / To chance a break again *Left* I wonder if [A] chance to break again sound better? I love these lines, though!
*Bullet* With this eternal darkness / My soul an empty room! - I adore this last bit!

The last part of this is a very lovely notion. This poem definitely has an older feel to it. I can't help but notice, though, that there is punctuation in certain places but then non-existent in others when it seems appropriate.

Overall, a lovely read. Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*


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89
89
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Much better! Good job at editing out some of those really long run-on sentences. *Thumbsup* *Smile*
90
90
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello there,

I think that you have some really stellar lines in this story. Before I get into the rest of things, I'd like to get some of the mechanics out of the way:

*Thought* Technical/Mechanics
The train roars again, it's[its?] whistle runs shrieking across the fields and trees to run up to his window; opened to let the cool night breeze slip into the room. - I think you should probably revisit this. I think it can easily be split into different sentences for clarity.
Something gutteral[guttural] shook him from his slumber... I'm not sure if guttural really works here. Guttural is synonymous to: throaty, husky, gruff, gravelly, harsh, rasping, deep. With the way it's described in the story, its usage doesn't seem to match any of these synonyms.
The signal is still bellowing out in that cool early-autumn air, but now has to contend with a pounding heart, filling the man's ears: thump, thump, roar - thump, thump, roar. - I really love the imagery in this, but again, I think it's simply too long. I feel like you're trying to cram way too much into one sentence.
The sharp cracking of twigs and [the] rustle of multicolored leaves - no less beautiful by moonlight - was all that could be heard in the forest outside of the rustle of small animals carrying on as they do, or iconic sound of a cricket chirping. - I love how you put in there how they're not any less beautiful by moonlight, but the clutter in this sentence was distracting from the overall beauty of the first part. The sharp cracking of twigs and the rustle of multicolored leaves, no less beautiful by moonlight, was all that could be heard. *Left* To me, this is so much more powerful. I know it's probably a little more ambiguous than you were going for, but you can always bring in the woodland stuff in another sentence or in another place, you know?
"What do you mean[,] die?"
"Who the hell was he talking [to]?"
"Both of you[,] shut up and get working[,]"
*Questionbl* ...the up until now silent one... - This is very awkward.


I'm going to stop here because I think you get the general idea about how to tackle editing this. I think that your best option is to run this through a grammar editing program. Remember, too, that although dialog reflects on how the character is talking that basic grammar still applies. *Wink*

Overall, I thought this was a good read, but it needs work and more focus on formatting. I would very much like to revisit this once it's edited so that I can re-read and re-rate it. Thank you for sharing! *Smile*



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91
91
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hello there,

I have no idea what I just read. That being said, I think the word combinations are pretty fun. It did make me laugh, simply because it was so silly. I'm not entirely sure if you meant for this to stand on its own. If not, I might suggest putting this under drafts or specifying a genre that reflects on its absurdity. *Smile*


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92
92
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
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Hello there,

I think you have a good start to something bigger, and it's obvious that you have a story you want to tell. I think that in the meantime you may want to consider marking this as a draft. There is also a bit of awkwardness in the grammar which you may want to fix when you come back to it. I hope you decide to email me when you have this complete, as I'm interested in what the final product will be. *Smile*



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93
93
Review of Reflection  
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+
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Hello there,

I think this is an interesting little piece on body image. I have a friend who struggles with these feelings all of the time. In fact, I've been tempted to write a little on this subject, and your work has been a bit of a reminder to do so. Before I get into more, I'd like to just get some technical things out of the way.

*Thought* Technical/Mechanics
It hurt to look[,] and the image was just part of her pain. - It hurt to look is an introductory phrase, so it should be followed by a comma.
She didn't understand why the feeling's were the way they were. - Something is off about this. Did you mean to say that she wasn't sure about her own feelings? Was this meant to express detachment between her self image and the 'I' in herself? I think with a little clarity this would be so much stronger.
When she would go out to places people would address her as "Sir" or "Mr.[,]" and it was all the more confusing because she didn't feel like any one of those. - You need a comma between coordinate clauses. *Wink*
Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable by being the person she was and she knew very well who and what she was. - This sentence is awkward. Maybe you could split it into two sentences to provide better voice and understanding. For example: Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable? She knew very well who and what she was.
Maybe everyone else was confused[,] and that is why they didn't see her, the way she saw herself. - The first part of this needs a comma for clarity. The second part doesn't actually seem to need a comma.
screwed[-]up

I think that the reader may be able to relate a little more to her if you gave some more examples on why she felt the way she did, or perhaps even some more examples of how society didn't understand her. You've done a good job at some of the internal reflection, but I think this would be stronger if there was 'more' to it than just 'Sir' or 'Mr.'

Overall, I feel like this is going in a good direction, but it needs a bit of work. Perhaps with some grammar editing and more fleshing out, this could really shine. If you decide to change this please let me know, as I'd enjoy coming back for another re-read. *Smile*


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94
94
Review of Simple Answers  
Review by Riot
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello there,

The end of this made me chuckle. Although a simple observation on the writer's part, it's amusing none-the-less. It really tells us something about our times, doesn't it? *Wink*

I am still working on getting to the rest of the stuff in your portfolio, but this was the first one that popped up. I know that you're looking for help editing, so although this piece was short, I decided to go ahead and show you a few examples on what I think could be improved.


*Tools2* Technical/Mechanics
This can not be happening!", Jack - The comma would go before the quotation after happening, but since you used an exclamation point it's not needed. Also, cannot is one word.
Needless to say, being late was not an option[,] but here he was, like a mindless zombie, repeatedly pressing the elevator button for the 6th floor. - There should be a comma after option. Also, I have to point out, I've read some of your other work concerning zombies. I wonder if this metaphor for pressing the button is really suiting. *Laugh*
He had been there so long that the cup of coffee he had purchased next door had gone cold and had a foul taste. - he had is not really necessary. It's a given that he purchased it because of the beginning of the line, and it's made more clear in the end part of the sentence.
Time was running out[,] and Jack could feel anxiety seeping in. - There needs to be a comma after out because the first four words are an introductory phrase.
"...did this have to be happening today", he though as he continued... - The comma should be on the inside of the quotation.
The light were lighting up where they should[,] and he could even hear an occasional "ding!" echo through the shaft. - There needs to be a comma after should, again, to separate clauses. I also found it odd that you'd describe a light as lighting (where they should). I just think there may be better ways to say that.
He was now, officially late, and still the elevator... - There's no comma needed after now. *Wink*


Overall, I thought this was chuckle-worthy in the end. I think you did a good job at making Jack feel like a real person. I felt anxious when he was anxious. I am just not very sure that I think that as a moment in time this really stood out for me. I am giving this a three out of five star rating because I feel that it needs a bit of grammar work. This is in no way intended to deter you from writing. I have read everything in your port and I know you have stronger pieces than this, so I hope you continue to keep writing, for sure! *Smile*


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95
95
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (3.5)
Huh, what an interesting concept. I like fairy tail twists, though, so it was a worthwhile read. *Smile*
96
96
Review of Caged Freedom  
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like the concept and imagery in your two poems. Come back, so we can see more! *Smile*
97
97
Review of Caged bird  
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is pretty good! Too bad you've been gone for so long...
98
98
Review by Riot
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello Tinker,

I thought this was a pretty cute poem. I feel like this would have excellent pace in some parts if it weren't for the extra spacing. I think that you may, as well, want to look at properly capitalizing at least some words and using proper punctuation.

Overall, a fun little poem, and a good late night (early morning?) read. If you decide to rewrite this, please do let me know so I can come back for another read through and rating. *Smile*


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99
99
Review of The move  
Review by Riot
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello back at you... *Wink*
100
100
Review of Lonesome Lament  
Review by Riot
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I felt emotions through this poem, some that I could relate to. I think the first stanza is a good opening, for sure. Good job! *Smile*
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