Hello, Wilshire

I have to be quite honest. This was littered with a lot of grammatical errors, and it did impede on the ease of reading for me. However, I think it has potential. Before I get into the rest of what I want to say, I want to go over the technical stuff I found. It's a big gigantic, but I took a chunk of my morning to finish this in hopes it might do you some service. Most of it's organized from beginning to end, but I tried to clump some of the common errors together. Feel free to take what you agree with and junk the rest.

Grammar Stuff:
...out for the summer[.] I am going out with some... - I don't think the sentence following the comma is related enough to the first sentence to call for a semicolon. Instead, I think a period works just fine.
...mid-June night [is] this nice... - Oops! I think you forgot a word.
While I wait for my friends Jeanette and Lucille to come by[,] I think... - The whole phrase before the suggested comma is an introductory phrase. If you hadn't put their names following friends, your comma placement would be correct.
...trying to have [somewhat] of a social life[.] It's really not... - Somewhat in this context is only one word.
...life as it comes at me[,] and it's worked out... - Two coordinated clauses require a comma separation.
...was at [its] most gorgeous point... - With an apostrophe, it's would mean it is in this context.
...and eye [makeup] like most everyone else.
...in the room[,] even if she isn't... - Introductory or dependent clauses also require commas for clarity.
You know[,] the usual.
About four or five blocks down the street[,] I saw...
Leaving the house in the highest of spirits[,] we began walking, laughing...
          In the above two bullets the phrases before the suggested commas are introductory, thus, commas! (I know... I know... )
By the way[,] Lucille[,] those...
...are so cute[.] Where did you get... - This is dialog, and although we have a tendency to talk as though we are speaking run on sentences, I think the period here helps the reader with flow.
...to be really good[.] We should watch...
No[,] never heard of it...
...my oldest friends[,] and lately these nights...
Therefore[,] we were all in exceptionally... - Therefore is an introductory word.
No[,] nothing ever happened with him...
...over to Lucille[,] who was smiling right...
...down the street[,] I saw a group of... - (Introductory phrase.)
..."whoops" and yells [that] they were making..
...in front of us[,] they momentarily came within earshot...
...a dark grey band [t-shirt] that read...
...and shorts[.] [He] had shaggy hair... - Ending this sentence here helps improve readability, without taking away from the description.
...his friend [who] was saying it didn't look...
...our other friends [who] happened to be going...
...type of people [who] could be found here.
          With the above three bullets: Who or whom refer to people. That or which refer to non-humans.
For this reason[,] I start most of my nights... - Introductory expression.
Well[,] it was pretty busy[,] but none of us...
...anyone there[.] and, [M]oreover, the people there didn't... -
...was very crowded at the time[,] and the bartenders were...{/}
...I'm having a lot of fun[,] and everyone...
...happy hour there[,] and they have great prices...
...about being too small[,] and I always...
...were only 10 cents[,] and they had...
...inches below her shoulders[,] and her skin...
          The above six bullets: Two coordinated clauses.
Luckily[,] we were able to find a table...
...both liquor and beer[,] which was nice[,] since I very much... - Parenthetical phrases are usually surrounded on either side by commas.
Once he got his order[,] he turned carefully... - Introductory.
At this point[,] he said half to us[,] half to no one at all...
...the bar opened up[,] and we were able...
...or has [a] bad vocabulary.
...I paid the barkeep[,] and went out...
...spring quarter[,] and they were...
Apparently[,] John was another guy [whom] Lucille had...
John's house was a little out of the [way] from the bars...
Every so often[,] a group of party goers...
At this point[,] we were all pretty tipsy...
...but at the last minute[,] she caught herself on a car parked...
Which was humorous[,] in and of itself[,] because she did not see...
The night was feeling wonderfully swell[,] and I felt amazingly...
I tried to choke out a warning to Lucille[,] who was still in the middle of the street[,] but I was hardly able...
...and into a concentration[,] she tended to...
...came racing past us[,] I heard a loud crash...
At this time[,] it call came together[,] and I noticed...
When I got there[,] he looked worse than I could imagine[,] and I...
...I looked back at him[,] I thought about how much...
...I had thought he was[,] and I couldn't...
With a slight smile[,] he said to me...

article of clothing form each shop... - I think you meant from.
and atually had a half grin on his face. - Oops. I think you mean actually.
Just rather than flowing beautifully into a room and into a concentration[,] she tended to tip... - I see where you're going with this, and I think it's really beautiful imagery. Consider the first part of this sentence. Just rather than flowing... it doesn't really make sense? I think if you were to drop the casual tone you could really make this sentence dazzle.


I think you did a good job at giving your characters personality. I didn't have any trouble with deciphering who was saying what, and from what I gathered, their personalities fit well. The dialog was strong and fitting.

About the ending: I felt like you went to great lengths to flesh out a lot of character development and build up. The ending, and maybe done on purpose, felt disproportional comparatively.

If you decide to go back and re-work this, please don't hesitate to let me know. I'd be happy to read it over again and make another rating.

Hello, Ella Marie Wathen

I like the idea of reading this from three points of views, as you've done. I think that for easier reading, though, it might have more impact for the reader if they were fleshed out more.

I think that you have a distinct style for, forgive me if this was not your intention, teen writing. The descriptive nature of the characters you wrote about really reminds me of a story and style geared toward younger readers. I think part of this has to do with the fact that you're following them from first person point of view, and that the descriptions they give themselves are 'in character' - if that makes sense. (For instance, one character referred to their self as 'bodacious')


Some technical stuff I came across:
...my parent[']s mistakes. - The apostrophe is missing before the possessive, indicating a plural noun.
...floor too[.] The house...
...I waited [there] approximately... - Oops! Wrong use of there/their/they're
...Ella's eyes grew wide as it sunk in what I was saying. - I think with a little bit of reword, this could say the same thing. Maybe something like: Ella's eyes grew wide as what I said sunk in.
...at me[,] but I did...
...not an easy task[,] [for] all of my outfits were designer.
...teen movies[.] Everybody is close...
...looked[,] she was 'All That'...
But[,] what was I supposed to do? - When a conjunction begins a sentence of this nature it needs to be followed by a comma.
I doubted this immensely[.] [However,] because I knew, I just knew, Marie... - This is the best suggestion I could think of for making this sentence work. Splitting an overly long sentence up into two or three can really help, without having to change the meaning.
...and he was wearing a football jersey[,] and even... - Two coordinated clauses require a comma between them for clarity.
In my old school[,] this is... - The phrase before the comma is an introductory phrase, so it needs to be followed by a comma.
...the hall for him[.] I paused, batted... - Sometimes, when there are obviously two apparent sentences combined into one, the simpler solution is to leave them as two sentences for easier readability.
...students came in[,] and I could tell... - Two coordinate clauses should be separated by a comma.
...taking role call. I think you meant roll call. (A list of names.)
...being here yet[.] They always come late...
make up coated makeup coated
In the sentence she raced down the road..., I'm really not sure what you mean. Maybe you could re-word it or add another sentence for clarity.
For right of passage did you mean rite of passage?

Capitalization for entire words has its use, but I think it was used excessively in your story. I understand that you're trying to use it as inflection in your dialog, however, I don't think it's needed. If you need to stress what the narrator is saying, I think you can do so with better supporting text.
*exlcaim* Watch out on word repetition. There were several instances where you repeated a words and phrases, that weren't in parallel sentences. With a word such as beautiful, a thesaurus might come in handy.
I've found that excessively beginning with sentences with but or and can easily be avoided by removing the word entirely. I think it would be a good idea to go through what you've written and count how many times you do this, and see if you can't cut some of them.

To be honest, I had a difficult time reading this. I think that you put a lot of time and effort into developing your characters. Now I think it's time to go back and perhaps work on grammar and editing, so that this can become a really polished piece.

If you ever decide to go back and work on this some more, I'd be more than happy to go back and read and review it again. Keep writing!

Heyas, Jeff

I think this a great tribute to the last ten years. Even though you discussed politics a little, I think you did so in a non-confrontational and non-aggressive manner.

Reading what you wrote gave a nice insight to the type of person who are were and who you are. I think the ending line you have is perfect. Bravo.

Hello, Kathleen

This really made me laugh out loud! At first I wasn't sure where you were going with it, but that's my fault for not reading the teaser!

I really enjoyed the casual commentary, and the humor. The pictures at the end were especially adorable and laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

Hello, Sum1

I love the question you ask in the teaser. Not only is it somewhat philosophical, but it does its job in 'teasing' the reader to read what your poem could possibly mean.

I only have two suggestions that I can think of, as far as punctuation goes:
...their lives acting, but then again[,] maybe not
On the street[,] the father Mime had died...
The reason I suggest these commas, is because it appears you've gone to great lengths to put proper punctuation placement within your poem, with the exception of the ending lines.

I think you did a good job on your rhymes, too, although I do think that scene/seen is somewhat of a reach considering the other rhyming words you provide.

I really enjoy the way your stanzas are set up to purposefully separate the story in pieces. While this may seem like a given, it feels as though you've given extra care to telling your story through the stanzas and poem. The first stanza nicely sets the stage, while the following build up to this tragic, heart-breaking end.

Bravo!

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Riot

Hello, piewhackett1

I think this poem shows a lot of true patriotism and does so with enthusiasm. It seems to be made up of a series of couplets, and the rhymes, although not perfect, do the job well. What I enjoyed best was the message behind the words, expressed with your words. (Decipher that! )

The punctuation with the ending lines is consistently ended with periods. With some of the lines, I think this is a practical end, but with others I wonder if a semicolon may work better, or even a comma. Rightfully so, I feel that you've neglected punctuation within the lines, in some parts.

My favorite stanza was the first. It gives a good opening to the poem, but also seems more personal and directive.


Keep up the great work!

Hello very thankful

I really liked the fantasy folklore feel of this, and I agree with your genre choice for categorizing it the way you have. I also like the title of the poem and the way it was placed in the first and last stanzas. I think, though, that having faerie repeat in the second stanza as well might be a little too much.

Although I didn't spot it until the end, naturally, it seems as though you ended every line with a period. The only exception is the second to last line. While I don't feel like the sentences were misplaced, I question putting periods in excess if the entire poem follows this same pattern. Just something I noticed.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

Hi there, Cowgirl Cat

I thought this poem was cleverly written. However, I have to be honest when I say... I feel that this "spin" is somewhat overdone. I can definitely see this as a personality; it does have voice. I think, maybe, it was just too much over-the-top.

As I said before, it is clever. You got my attention though and I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writin'